Anyone finding themselves suddenly uncertain? « Back to Group Discussions

[wrenmoon]

I don't know if I am just being anxious, so many things factor into my experience right now- many losses and years between births and my halfway being excited and halfway preparing for another loss, but I have been wondering if I will go to a birth center this time instead of a home birth. I had great experiences with both my births, the first was 16 hours and the second was 45 minutes accidentally unassisted. I don't know that I would make it to a birth center anyway... I trust and love our midwife, she is one of my favorite people on the planet.

I just have this worry. Like I haven't had before. Could it be that I'm older now? Big gap between births? more tired? Four losses between my last birth and now? Lost my trust in the process somehow?

Has anyone else here experienced this sort of thing? I just wonder if it goes with the territory being someone with my history or if there is something I will need to give more energy to. I don't want to feed the anxiety needlessly.

On another hand, I can't even believe I'm thinking about where to give birth this early on with my history... Have I mentioned that I'm having trouble sleeping and have tons of all night time to think about it? Sheesh.

[cynthiamoon]

Not sure how far along you are, but I can sympathize with feeling like no matter what I think I shouldn't be thinking it because it's too soon and anything could happen.  It feels terrible, but having had one MC before, I remember how much it hurt to have hopes dashed and I send many sympathies your way for the many times you've been hurt. I can't decide if I should be realistic and planning for this, or if every minute I spend planning before 2nd trimester is a waste of emotions :(. I'm trying to be positive anyway by doing things like avoiding fears, doubts, and reading too much about MC. 

[talldarkeyes]

Yeah, I know how you feel. I am petrified of another missed miscarriage and yet so grateful that I have made it this far (8wks 3days). My other two didn't make it past 5 weeks. On the other hand, before I became pregnant I had finally found peace about having only one child. Now it is as if I cant wrap my mind around the possibility of having a child next year. Yes, I am pregnant but my brain hasn't attached to the idea that it will end up with a full term baby.

[heyitskalista]

I have found myself unable to bond with this baby.  I don't picture it or dream about it like I used to.  We had a miscarriage at almost 13 last time and I know that is why I'm feeling this way.  So I haven't even really thought about the birth itself...

I hope you're able to find peace...and sleep!
 

[wrenmoon]

Thanks ladies. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one slightly detached around here. It been such an overwhelming feeling, this non-attachment that I really hesitated to start a thread because I didn't want to seem like the nutty woman in the corner muttering her fearful thoughts.

This is a lot harder, staying pregnant this long, than I thought it would be. In my mind I imagined that it would get easier once i reached ______ milestone. The back-of-my-mind worry is a serious weight that I would like to put down and the way it seems to work best is to say it, type it etc and then see how much power it still has. I'm pleased to report that I do feel better after reading your responses, which I guess IS the whole point of the DDC after all.
I wish you all a sweet dream and some peace for today and maybe even tomorrow too.

[BlueMonday]

my body has checked out of this process, so far, and my mind is running in the other direction. this is our first *oops* baby, the other two were mission accomplished and this one seems like... a problem. the sort of thing that makes me sigh and stare off in the distance. i start looking at clothes or names and sort of accept it but i finally called my midwife today to be on the radar and i just couldn't imagine going through with this birth. anyway, wrenmoon, thanks for posting.

[dayiscoming2006]

I go back and forth. We sort of planned this. We were open to things either way. But, sometimes I freak out at the idea of going through this all again. Pregnancy, birth, babyhood are all pretty tough things to deal with. Today I felt more accepting of it. I still feel weird because I had an early miscarriage last time. I won't feel really like things are moving forward until I get official evidence of life I think. I am hoping to hear a heartbeat at my 11 week/first appointment.

[talldarkeyes]

Last night I just felt like I was no longer pregnant. I woke up at 4 AM from a dream thinking "this baby must be dead". I think missed miscarriages are the very worst! With my early miscarriages I could sigh and say "whew! I passed the danger zone" but with the missed we aren't even sure when the baby died and i only started having miscarriage symptoms perhaps 2-3 weeks afterwards. I just wish I could KNOW. Uncertainty rules my days and I don't dare put any trust in my intuition because I am so emotionally unstable at the moment.

[Chelseamm]

I feel the exact same way. I was so relieved the other day to wake up feeling nausea. The last night I had a dream I lost the baby and today I do not feel pregnant at all. The midwives around here to not do any early ults and your first apt is not usually until 8 weeks. I keep hoping that today I will feel pregnant and have some symptoms but no.