Originally Posted by Kaydove
Not saying you need to be medicated by any means but letting you know that its okay to get help.
I know. Thank you for sharing your experience and reminding me, though. :)
Originally Posted by phathui5
You're right. There seems to be a social taboo where people expect the answer to "How are you doing?" to be "Great!"
Sometimes things aren't great. Sometimes things are hard, and we do them anyway because we need to, but that doesn't make them less hard.
Do you have a support network or local friends/moms that can step in and help you with some things?
Yeah, I have an issue with that taboo as well. Which is why sometimes the cashiers at the grocery store get to hear, "I've been better", or some variation thereof. Hey, they asked!
Both my family and dh's live somewhat nearby (in the same city, but it's a big one), and help sometimes. Both our moms are pretty busy, though. I actually stayed with my family some when dh went away, but they are more busy now and therefore less helpful, and I decided it was time I put on my big girl panties and learned how to make it by myself. Plus, I hated the 5 tons of stuff I had to haul over there to take care of the baby. I do have some friends from church that have helped/are going to help. Someone actually offered to have one of their daughters babysit for me tomorrow so I could have a break. So I'm going to go work out in our apartment gym, because that way I can be close by, but still get some "me" time. I'm slowly starting to actually accept offers of help. I guess I'm always afraid someone is just trying to be nice by offering, but doesn't really mean it. But so many people have offered help, I think I need to take advantage of it to the extent I can. The whole no-bottle thing means I still can't leave my little one for long, and the time I most need help (when dh is gone) is in the evenings, when the baby is fussy and I'm burned out, but that's when people are typically busy with their own families.
Originally Posted by MeepyCat
You are pulling more then your weight. You are fighting like a champ. You sound like you have some major PPD. Do you want to brainstorm ways to get help? Or would you rather we didn't give you advice?
Eh, I doubt there's any advice I haven't heard. My issue is probably more with follow-through. I think I mostly want to be heard, and validated. Which everyone has been very good with. And I appreciate you asking - I know my post wasn't particularly clear about why I was posting it.
Originally Posted by MeepyCat
Wait, check me, some woman ran a contest, about her own birth, with the intention of making and shipping cake pops to other people? That is just WRONG. The only cake pop action a new momma should have to deal with is the cake pops offered in tribute to herself. That lady's nuts.
Or, possibly, having manic episodes.
Yes. Yes, she did. Four different guessing-game contests. However, as someone recently pointed out to me, it's not like I was making cake pops before this baby came along, or handmade Christmas gifts. This lady was. (She runs an Etsy store with some of her stuff, too.) So it's really a silly comparison to make. But it's still mind-blowing to me.
Originally Posted by contactmaya
im highly sceptical of this other woman, who's taking care of her baby while she does this ?
Pretty sure her dh is. Not sure their exact situation, but I think maybe he works from home? He at least seems to have plenty of time to spend with his baby, based on all his FB status updates. Ironically, he's an ex-BF of mine. So yeah, I do the stupid comparison of "what could have been". Except I totally broke up with him because I just didn't like him like that, so it's not like I actually wish that had gone differently. I'm actually very happy for them, this is a much-wanted and long-awaited baby, but it's kind of unreal the things they seem to have time for.
Originally Posted by Smokering
In all seriousness though, ANannyMoose, that sucks. I've been there. A surprising number of women have... it's just no-one talks about it.
Yeah, which very much sucks. Kind of like how no one tells you that a natural birth can actually be an incredibly traumatic experience, even if it's relatively quick and relatively uncomplicated. (No bitterness there... oh, wait, yes there is!) So thank you for admitting it. It's been healing just reading some of the other posts in this forum, realizing, hey, I'm NOT the world's worst mother. (She is! No, just kidding. I'm tired enough to be feeling very silly right now.) Kind of like I felt better a few years back reading a book about suicide (about understanding it, not a how-to book!). Feeling like I'm not the world's biggest freak, like I haven't "failed" where everyone else is succeeding, is huge to me. I kind of want to talk about these things in a non-anonymous way in my real life, but I'm just not brave enough to do it. I don't need people I know and like (or just know) judging me. And I'm terrified that someone will try to have my baby taken from me. Which can sound appealing at some moments, but is, in fact, definitely, definitely not what I want. Not to mention the fact that he would literally have to be given a feeding tube unless they could find someone else to breastfeed him. Not freakin' likely, I'm thinking. In fact, that is one of my fears with talking to a medical professional. If I'm brutally honest with them, will they be required to report me to someone? Even though I haven't actually hurt my baby?
Are you anti-meds? I was, for a long time... partly "crunchy" stubbornness, partly fear of the side effects, partly a reluctance to use drugs while breastfeeding or pregnant (not that there's any evidence they do any harm, it was more a vague principle). It was at its worst when I was pregnant with baby number two, still BFing baby number 1, and seriously messed up - "I have to clutch the steering wheel so I won't veer off this bridge" messed up.
I got through it (ungracefully), but when PPD started rearing its familiar head when DS was a few months old, I took the plunge and went on Citalopram. Much to my surprise I didn't gain a hundred pounds, sprout horns, change personality or otherwise experience anything dire (a bit of motion sickness for the first week, which was unpleasant, but it soon passed).
It really helped. I'm not brimming with giddy joy all the time, mind you, but I'm definitely not suicidal or depressed any more. I can enjoy my baby; I can do my hobbies; I can socialise. You know? Normal person stuff. :p I did try going off the drugs once and it was bad, so I guess I'm on them for the foreseeable future, but I'm OK with that. It was basically a genetic inevitability, anyway....
I don't know if you're completely against drugs, have tried them and they didn't work, or whatever, but it's worth seriously considering. Personally, I dithered for ages, thinking I could just take tons of vitamin D, go for long walks, eat fish, do light therapy and so on. But the thing is, I wasn't doing any of those things. I didn't have the mental or physical strength to rise at dawn, do yoga, eat yoghurt and count my blessings on a grassy hilltop. I had exactly enough oomph to swallow a tiny tablet... so that's what I did.
Also, I see you're new to MDC. It might be worth looking around the Life with a Babe forum for some advice? There are a lot of really experienced mamas here who might be able to help you troubleshoot the not-napping thing (which is a serious sanity-eater!!). My second baby was miles better at sleeping than my first, and I think it's partly because we figured out swaddling, which I'd never mastered properly with DD. It really made his early babyhood much more enjoyable/less hellish!
I'm not anti-meds as a general philosophy, but I guess I don't necessarily have a lot of faith they will help, and I am worried about side effects for me and/or the baby. And I totally understand the thought that there are other things I could try... that I simply don't have the mental or physical energy to actually carry on with. I am working on nap-troubleshooting a little with some people in my local moms' group. So far not a lot of luck, but I'm not very far into organized nap attempts.
Just a little more about me, so maybe some of this will make more sense: Two years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type II - I'm not 100% confident in that diagnosis, but it's close enough. So I am not sure if what I have is technically PPD, or just old issues resurfacing. I had my first problems with suicidal thoughts when I was about 11, so this is a very long-standing problem, and one that tends to disappear for awhile, then return. Some of that is probably just the nature of bipolar disorder. In a sense, feelings of immense hopelessness, wanting to die, wanting to run away, are very "old hat" to me. They're intensely miserable while I'm in them, and sometimes I'm not sure I can fight them any more or even if I want to, but they do pass. I feel pretty decent tonight (baby had an okay day, and is in bed already), so I can feel more philosophical about things. I did try medication briefly when I was first diagnosed, but it didn't really do much. I understand that it's often necessary to try multiple medications/dosages, but since I was getting married and planning to TTC, I decided not to mess with it. Even now, I've thought a LOT about seeking out a therapist, but it's just so much energy, and who will watch the baby, and will it be worth the money, and with as long a history I have with mental health problems (some issues with paranoia and anxiety - yeah, I'm a real mess sometimes), where do I even start? And there's the thought that, hey, I've made it this far, no reason I can't just keep plodding along. (Except for the whole suckiness of living through this crap when it hits the fan.)