"Actually, I'm finding mothering to be a thankless an exhausting task, and sometimes I want to...

[ANannyMoose]

That's what I want to say to all the people who ask me if I'm "loving every minute" of being a mother, or anything else along those lines. But of course, that's not a socially acceptable answer. So please excuse me if I rant here instead.

I'm a first time mom. I have a 3-month-old baby and a small apartment. He can't take a bottle or a pacifier for physiological reasons, or a nap for reasons I can't figure out. I have a husband who's been traveling half the time since the baby came, who has also been under a huge amount of pressure at work. I have a long history of depression and suicidal ideation.

NO. I am not enjoying myself the majority of the time. I'm using every scrap of energy I have to take care of my baby, half take care of myself, try to hold my marriage together, and keep myself from doing something terrible to myself or my child. Oh, and wasting some energy worrying about if my baby is being permanently damaged by having a sad mommy. I'll be damned if I have the energy to pretend like having a baby is the most wonderful thing ever. I am DOING this. I AM mothering my baby. I AM surviving. Maybe I don't spend twenty minutes a day giggling and counting his toes. I feel bad enough about this without the well-meaning insinuations of others that this should be the happiest time of my life.

How about asking me if I'm proud of how well I'm managing the challenges of motherhood? The answer isn't always yes, but it often is. I am PROUD that my fat, chubby baby is thriving on my milk. I'm proud of the fact that his heart-wrenching tummy-time crying is paying off, and he's learning to hold up his own head. And I suppose for other mothers it goes without saying, but I am PROUD that I haven't drowned my baby in a bathtub, or even attempted it. I'm proud that I haven't filed for a divorce after having a hormone-charged argument with my exhausted husband. I'm proud I haven't left my baby at the fire station and driven my car off a bridge. I'm proud that I've EVER managed to make dinner since the baby was born, with or without dh's help. I'm proud of every damn load of laundry I've done since my son was born. Every load of dishes I've washed. Every trip to the grocery store I've managed.

Do I envy my mommy friend with a baby half the age of my son who is already finished handmaking all her Christmas presents and recently mailed off cake pops to the winners of her birth contests? Sure. But I'm doing my best to focus on the victories I am achieving, even if it is only getting out of bed for one more morning.

[Kaydove]

I'm proud of you too! Motherhood is hard. I've been there, husband working and traveling way too much, baby being super needy and not taking a bottle, dinner isn't ready until 11pm. Everything was so overwhelming, then I got medicated and its so much better. Life is manageable. Lexapro helped me a ton.

Not saying you need to be medicated by any means but letting you know that its okay to get help.

Sent from my Kindle Fire using Tapatalk 2

[phathui5]

You're right. There seems to be a social taboo where people expect the answer to "How are you doing?" to be "Great!"

Sometimes things aren't great. Sometimes things are hard, and we do them anyway because we need to, but that doesn't make them less hard. 

Do you have a support network or local friends/moms that can step in and help you with some things? 

[contactmaya]

i havent read your whole post yet and i will. i remember in the beginning trying to figure out what this 'being a mother' thing was all about.  At the newborn stage, i was mostly so exhausted, i didnt have the time nor mental energy to event think about it, to 'stop and smell the roses' as i put it. I was sleep deprived, and exhausted from the birth and the breastfeeding, and the whole adjustment of losing my former life. At some point in the first

year (probably when ds started to sleep better, and he was compared to other babies his age a long sleeper), things began to clear a little, but i still had no answer, to what this thing called mothering was all about. Then things changed, ds started crawling, solids, then walking, then it was the whole looking for playmates thing, then the 'when will he talk' thing, then preschool (which i avoided as long as i could) in short, mothering kept changing, it changed so fast,  i still coudlnt figure out what it was all about. 

At any given moment, i was exhausted, i had given up my former life, i only had 10 precent of my energy left for anything other than mothering (now there is only .5% left)

7 years later, and with 2 more children, the only answer i can think of, to what is this thing called mothering, is that  it is love. I love them inconditionally, and they love me.  Much of the rest is hard work, sometimes its fun.  Many times it is downright mundane. But i wouldnt change a thing.

It will get better.

[contactmaya]

Having read your post, i will say that  you have every reason to be proud, and that you are not alone in your struggles. New mothering is hard! Who said it was easy? Your organized friend  is unusual. Personally, if i had to be cooking meals for a husband, i dont think i would manage it well.  Im a single mother, and my own mother was there at the newborn stage.  You definitely need support in the beginning, and from someone who gives you real support, not someone who drains your already depleted energies.

Be proud, but find help. Everyone needs help with a new baby. If you have a history of depression, then even more so.

[MeepyCat]

You are pulling more then your weight.  You are fighting like a champ.  You sound like you have some major PPD.  Do you want to brainstorm ways to get help?  Or would you rather we didn't give you advice? 

Quote:

Originally Posted by ANannyMoose 

Do I envy my mommy friend with a baby half the age of my son who is already finished handmaking all her Christmas presents and recently mailed off cake pops to the winners of her birth contests? Sure. But I'm doing my best to focus on the victories I am achieving, even if it is only getting out of bed for one more morning.

Wait, check me, some woman ran a contest, about her own birth, with the intention of making and shipping cake pops to other people?  That is just WRONG.  The only cake pop action a new momma should have to deal with is the cake pops offered in tribute to herself.  That lady's nuts. 

Or, possibly, having manic episodes. 

[minigoos]

[QUOTE=ANannyMoose]Do I envy my mommy friend with a baby half the age of my son who is already finished handmaking all her Christmas presents and recently mailed off cake pops to the winners of her birth contests? Sure. But I'm doing my best to focus on the victories I am achieving, even if it is only getting out of bed for one more morning.[/QUOTE]

Great!

MG

[contactmaya]

im highly sceptical of this other woman, who's taking care of her baby while she does this ?

[Smokering]

Wait, check me, some woman ran a contest, about her own birth, with the intention of making and shipping cake pops to other people?

Oh, is that what it was? I was envisaging a contest about other people's births. Like, prizes for the Quickest Birth, Biggest Baby, Most Pain-Free Birth, Most Orgasmic Birth, Most Supportive Birth Partner, Most Hypnotic Birth... :p

In all seriousness though, ANannyMoose, that sucks. I've been there. A surprising number of women have... it's just no-one talks about it.

Are you anti-meds? I was, for a long time... partly "crunchy" stubbornness, partly fear of the side effects, partly a reluctance to use drugs while breastfeeding or pregnant (not that there's any evidence they do any harm, it was more a vague principle). It was at its worst when I was pregnant with baby number two, still BFing baby number 1, and seriously messed up - "I have to clutch the steering wheel so I won't veer off this bridge" messed up.

I got through it (ungracefully), but when PPD started rearing its familiar head when DS was a few months old, I took the plunge and went on Citalopram. Much to my surprise I didn't gain a hundred pounds, sprout horns, change personality or otherwise experience anything dire (a bit of motion sickness for the first week, which was unpleasant, but it soon passed).

It really helped. I'm not brimming with giddy joy all the time, mind you, but I'm definitely not suicidal or depressed any more. I can enjoy my baby; I can do my hobbies; I can socialise. You know? Normal person stuff. :p I did try going off the drugs once and it was bad, so I guess I'm on them for the foreseeable future, but I'm OK with that. It was basically a genetic inevitability, anyway....

I don't know if you're completely against drugs, have tried them and they didn't work, or whatever, but it's worth seriously considering. Personally, I dithered for ages, thinking I could just take tons of vitamin D, go for long walks, eat fish, do light therapy and so on. But the thing is, I wasn't doing any of those things. I didn't have the mental or physical strength to rise at dawn, do yoga, eat yoghurt and count my blessings on a grassy hilltop. I had exactly enough oomph to swallow a tiny tablet... so that's what I did.

Also, I see you're new to MDC. It might be worth looking around the Life with a Babe forum for some advice? There are a lot of really experienced mamas here who might be able to help you troubleshoot the not-napping thing (which is a serious sanity-eater!!). My second baby was miles better at sleeping than my first, and I think it's partly because we figured out swaddling, which I'd never mastered properly with DD. It really made his early babyhood much more enjoyable/less hellish!

[ANannyMoose]

Originally Posted by Kaydove 
Not saying you need to be medicated by any means but letting you know that its okay to get help.

I know. Thank you for sharing your experience and reminding me, though. :)

Originally Posted by phathui5 

You're right. There seems to be a social taboo where people expect the answer to "How are you doing?" to be "Great!"

Sometimes things aren't great. Sometimes things are hard, and we do them anyway because we need to, but that doesn't make them less hard. 

Do you have a support network or local friends/moms that can step in and help you with some things? 

Yeah, I have an issue with that taboo as well. Which is why sometimes the cashiers at the grocery store get to hear, "I've been better", or some variation thereof. Hey, they asked!

Both my family and dh's live somewhat nearby (in the same city, but it's a big one), and help sometimes. Both our moms are pretty busy, though. I actually stayed with my family some when dh went away, but they are more busy now and therefore less helpful, and I decided it was time I put on my big girl panties and learned how to make it by myself. Plus, I hated the 5 tons of stuff I had to haul over there to take care of the baby. I do have some friends from church that have helped/are going to help. Someone actually offered to have one of their daughters babysit for me tomorrow so I could have a break. So I'm going to go work out in our apartment gym, because that way I can be close by, but still get some "me" time. I'm slowly starting to actually accept offers of help. I guess I'm always afraid someone is just trying to be nice by offering, but doesn't really mean it. But so many people have offered help, I think I need to take advantage of it to the extent I can. The whole no-bottle thing means I still can't leave my little one for long, and the time I most need help (when dh is gone) is in the evenings, when the baby is fussy and I'm burned out, but that's when people are typically busy with their own families.

Originally Posted by MeepyCat 
You are pulling more then your weight.  You are fighting like a champ.  You sound like you have some major PPD.  Do you want to brainstorm ways to get help?  Or would you rather we didn't give you advice?

Eh, I doubt there's any advice I haven't heard. My issue is probably more with follow-through. I think I mostly want to be heard, and validated. Which everyone has been very good with. And I appreciate you asking - I know my post wasn't particularly clear about why I was posting it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MeepyCat 

Wait, check me, some woman ran a contest, about her own birth, with the intention of making and shipping cake pops to other people?  That is just WRONG.  The only cake pop action a new momma should have to deal with is the cake pops offered in tribute to herself.  That lady's nuts. 

Or, possibly, having manic episodes. 

Yes. Yes, she did. Four different guessing-game contests. However, as someone recently pointed out to me, it's not like I was making cake pops before this baby came along, or handmade Christmas gifts. This lady was. (She runs an Etsy store with some of her stuff, too.) So it's really a silly comparison to make. But it's still mind-blowing to me.

Originally Posted by contactmaya 

im highly sceptical of this other woman, who's taking care of her baby while she does this ?

Pretty sure her dh is. Not sure their exact situation, but I think maybe he works from home? He at least seems to have plenty of time to spend with his baby, based on all his FB status updates. Ironically, he's an ex-BF of mine. So yeah, I do the stupid comparison of "what could have been". Except I totally broke up with him because I just didn't like him like that, so it's not like I actually wish that had gone differently. I'm actually very happy for them, this is a much-wanted and long-awaited baby, but it's kind of unreal the things they seem to have time for.

Originally Posted by Smokering 

In all seriousness though, ANannyMoose, that sucks. I've been there. A surprising number of women have... it's just no-one talks about it.

Yeah, which very much sucks. Kind of like how no one tells you that a natural birth can actually be an incredibly traumatic experience, even if it's relatively quick and relatively uncomplicated. (No bitterness there... oh, wait, yes there is!) So thank you for admitting it. It's been healing just reading some of the other posts in this forum, realizing, hey, I'm NOT the world's worst mother. (She is! No, just kidding. I'm tired enough to be feeling very silly right now.) Kind of like I felt better a few years back reading a book about suicide (about understanding it, not a how-to book!). Feeling like I'm not the world's biggest freak, like I haven't "failed" where everyone else is succeeding, is huge to me. I kind of want to talk about these things in a non-anonymous way in my real life, but I'm just not brave enough to do it. I don't need people I know and like (or just know) judging me. And I'm terrified that someone will try to have my baby taken from me. Which can sound appealing at some moments, but is, in fact, definitely, definitely not what I want. Not to mention the fact that he would literally have to be given a feeding tube unless they could find someone else to breastfeed him. Not freakin' likely, I'm thinking. In fact, that is one of my fears with talking to a medical professional. If I'm brutally honest with them, will they be required to report me to someone? Even though I haven't actually hurt my baby?

Are you anti-meds? I was, for a long time... partly "crunchy" stubbornness, partly fear of the side effects, partly a reluctance to use drugs while breastfeeding or pregnant (not that there's any evidence they do any harm, it was more a vague principle). It was at its worst when I was pregnant with baby number two, still BFing baby number 1, and seriously messed up - "I have to clutch the steering wheel so I won't veer off this bridge" messed up.

I got through it (ungracefully), but when PPD started rearing its familiar head when DS was a few months old, I took the plunge and went on Citalopram. Much to my surprise I didn't gain a hundred pounds, sprout horns, change personality or otherwise experience anything dire (a bit of motion sickness for the first week, which was unpleasant, but it soon passed).

It really helped. I'm not brimming with giddy joy all the time, mind you, but I'm definitely not suicidal or depressed any more. I can enjoy my baby; I can do my hobbies; I can socialise. You know? Normal person stuff. :p I did try going off the drugs once and it was bad, so I guess I'm on them for the foreseeable future, but I'm OK with that. It was basically a genetic inevitability, anyway....

I don't know if you're completely against drugs, have tried them and they didn't work, or whatever, but it's worth seriously considering. Personally, I dithered for ages, thinking I could just take tons of vitamin D, go for long walks, eat fish, do light therapy and so on. But the thing is, I wasn't doing any of those things. I didn't have the mental or physical strength to rise at dawn, do yoga, eat yoghurt and count my blessings on a grassy hilltop. I had exactly enough oomph to swallow a tiny tablet... so that's what I did.

Also, I see you're new to MDC. It might be worth looking around the Life with a Babe forum for some advice? There are a lot of really experienced mamas here who might be able to help you troubleshoot the not-napping thing (which is a serious sanity-eater!!). My second baby was miles better at sleeping than my first, and I think it's partly because we figured out swaddling, which I'd never mastered properly with DD. It really made his early babyhood much more enjoyable/less hellish!

I'm not anti-meds as a general philosophy, but I guess I don't necessarily have a lot of faith they will help, and I am worried about side effects for me and/or the baby. And I totally understand the thought that there are other things I could try... that I simply don't have the mental or physical energy to actually carry on with. I am working on nap-troubleshooting a little with some people in my local moms' group. So far not a lot of luck, but I'm not very far into organized nap attempts.

Just a little more about me, so maybe some of this will make more sense: Two years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type II - I'm not 100% confident in that diagnosis, but it's close enough. So I am not sure if what I have is technically PPD, or just old issues resurfacing. I had my first problems with suicidal thoughts when I was about 11, so this is a very long-standing problem, and one that tends to disappear for awhile, then return. Some of that is probably just the nature of bipolar disorder. In a sense, feelings of immense hopelessness, wanting to die, wanting to run away, are very "old hat" to me. They're intensely miserable while I'm in them, and sometimes I'm not sure I can fight them any more or even if I want to, but they do pass. I feel pretty decent tonight (baby had an okay day, and is in bed already), so I can feel more philosophical about things. I did try medication briefly when I was first diagnosed, but it didn't really do much. I understand that it's often necessary to try multiple medications/dosages, but since I was getting married and planning to TTC, I decided not to mess with it. Even now, I've thought a LOT about seeking out a therapist, but it's just so much energy, and who will watch the baby, and will it be worth the money, and with as long a history I have with mental health problems (some issues with paranoia and anxiety - yeah, I'm a real mess sometimes), where do I even start? And there's the thought that, hey, I've made it this far, no reason I can't just keep plodding along. (Except for the whole suckiness of living through this crap when it hits the fan.)

[Smokering]

In fact, that is one of my fears with talking to a medical professional. If I'm brutally honest with them, will they be required to report me to someone? Even though I haven't actually hurt my baby?

I'm not sure. When I went to the GP for antidepressants (and this is in NZ, so might not be applicable to you) she said "Now I just have to ask, have you considered hurting yourself? Or your kids?" I said "not really" to the former, which wasn't exactly true, but true in the sense of "No, I don't need to be put in a straitjacket and relieved of my shoelaces"; and "no" to the latter, which was almost entirely true (the occasional thought not really counting as "considering", in my book).

She didn't push me on the "not really" - actually, she signed me up for the antidepressants in about two seconds, without asking many questions at all. Either she was an expert at instantly diagnosing depression, or she was kind of negligent. I did need them and they did help, so I guess I can't complain, but it did seem... perfunctory. Anyway, yes, she was legally required to ask - what she would have done with different information, I didn't ask. I imagine most health professionals would be required to report to someone - imagine the legal repercussions if a mother confessed she felt like killing her baby (even occasionall), nobody followed up, and then she followed through?

You haven't mentioned your DH. Does he know about this - about all of it? Is he supportive?

On the subject of talking to people you know IRL, I had a really good conversation with a few friends recently. We confessed a lot of issues. Birth trauma (me), serious difficulties with the newborn stage (me), liking one kid better than another (all three of us), serious post-pregnancy/birth body image issues (them), inability to bond with a child due to a rough early babyhood (friend #1), jealousy of other mothers (friend #2). It was cathartic for all of us.

I think the key was, though, that the issues were at least partly past us. A friend could confess that she found a slightly-earlier-than-intended pregnancy very upsetting and half-hoped for a miscarriage... only because her baby was now a toddler. No way she would have told us at the time - she had to suffer through it alone. And it wasn't until having Easy Baby #2 that I fully realised what a number Hard Baby #1 had done on my mental health, so I couldn't have articulated the helplessness and tiredness and I've-ruined-my-lifeness when I was in the throes of it anyway.

I realise that's not terribly comforting for you, given that you are in the throes of it. :/ But in a few years you might be surprised to discover what battles other people were fighting at the same time as you... maybe even similar battles. You know? But I know exactly what you mean about being shy to discuss stuff like this with "real" people. I'm pretty reserved, and for most of my life (I'm a tad Aspie) was completely oblivious to the concept of revealing my actual thoughts and feelings to another person on any matter more intimate than Star Wars. I'm getting better - I have one friend who suffers from depression, and we can talk to each other pretty honestly about that stuff. And I can share some of the frustrations of motherhood with my SIL. So that's cool. But it's a long, slow process.

MDC has a birth trauma subforum too, in case you haven't come across it. I found it helpful when I was dealing with the fallout from DD's birth. I initially felt very... privileged? Overdramatic? ...to be traumatised by a birth that, on paper, wasn't that bad. Other people had "real" problems - crash C-sections, awful medical staff, fourth-degree tears - and comparatively speaking, I didn't. But you know what? My issues weren't going to go away just because they didn't "deserve" to be there. They did have a real, legitimate effect on my mental health, and as such they were worth dealing with.

Honestly, birth trauma is RIDICULOUSLY common. I write for a pregnancy/parenting magazine and did a piece on birth trauma once, inspired by my own experience; and people were coming out of the woodwork to be interviewed. Everyone had a story. "Oh, my aunt had a really awful birth"; "I think my neighbor had a hard time with her twins"; "Ooh, I should tell you about my first!" My mother, my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law; so many women. And they weren't all blood-soaked horror stories, with dying babies and ghoulish OBs: they were just birth. Painful, scary birth. A lot of the women were sort of wry and dismissive of it at first, having had years to ignore and suppress it: but when I dug deeper, the anger and trauma was still there. (One lady cried on my couch, which was not something I felt equipped to handle!)

So whatever you're feeling... you're probably not alone. Fear of doing it again? Flashbacks? Bitterness and cynicism about other people's pregnancies? Avoidance of doctors? Chances are ten other women on the bus have wrestled with the same issues... alone.

Mind you, if you're dealing with all this other stuff right now, it might not be the best time to dig into the birth trauma stuff. It can be intense. But do deal with it at some stage - you know?

[CI Mama]

I just want to say, thank you to the OP for sharing your story and to everyone for the thoughtful and articulate responses. My DD is 4 and most of my trauma is behind me, but birth totally sucked for me and the first year of my daughter's life was by far the most miserable of mine. The isolation surrounding trauma and early difficulties makes it so much worse. And having an anonymous forum for sharing can be really helpful. I have found this thread touching & healing.

OP, I do believe that things will get better for you, because I've seen so many women come through so many challenges and somehow be OK. I applaud your courage in telling your story and seeking help where you can get it. Keep asking for help and letting us know how it's going.

[Smokering]

ANannyMoose, how are you doing?

[here we are]

I am appreciating read thru.some of this. I am very worried I may fall "into the same hole", if you dont mind me putting it this way. I am just feeling hit with the amount of energy i will need to take care of a baby & really can relate to the honesty of emotion here. It has me thinking about abortion, which i dont want, but just the whole worry of not knowing how "stuck" i could possibly become. I hope my saying this is not offensive, not like want to say that reading this caused these thoughts, they were already there, it just made me feel like i could give myself permission to say them without feeling bad. Just as i do not want you to feel bad, but proud as you have said. I think for myself that would be hard if i was so exhausted. Did you ever imagine the exhaustion before you became pregnant? Just curious, but you do not need to.answer., no.pressure. My problem is i have thought about it and tried to read about it to" prepare "myself but its.never really.going to prepare me. Now i am kinda just worrying all the time and feeling like i dont know what i feel, or if i can really handle it all. Meanwhile i am getting enough sleep.and i am still tired.

[contactmaya]

I thought i was exhausted when i was pregnant, because i couldnt sleep well with the big belly, thats nothing compared to when the baby gets there.

You cant really imagine what its like to have a baby until you've had one. The best way to prepare yourself is to look after your health. Then do the best you can. The baby phase doesnt last that long anyway. Having a child is a lifelong journey.  

[ANannyMoose]

Smokering- My dh does know, but I'm not sure he comprehends, if that makes sense. Yesterday morning was really rough, and I told him that I seriously thought about checking myself into a psych hospital. But I'm sure the baby wouldn't come with me (especially if I said anything about thoughts of harming the baby), and leaving my baby to scream and starve is just not a real option for me. He seemed surprised to hear me say I had really thought about seeking that level of help. And honestly, later in the day, I was mostly fine. I just really overreact to things, and I can totally see that a few hours later, but at the time, it just seems like everything is so overwhelming and awful.

Here we are - I'm glad you could find something useful in all of this. I guess I would say that, for me, the fact that I had a lot of mental health issues before getting pregnant makes this all not that surprising.

More to say, but baby  needs me.

[mamatoabirdie]

oh mama.  how I can so relate.  my experience with my dd, number 1, was so very similar to this and I cringe thinking about her infancy.  the long nights, her inability to ever get off my nipple, her inability to sleep, my inability to sleep, feeling the loss of myself, wondering if I'd ever feel alive and human again.  it gets better.  it gets so much better.  I know it is so difficult right now, but it gets so much better.  is there any chance that you can work with your little one to take a bottle?  it sounds like you need a break, and badly.  if that's not an option, please start inviting some girlfriends over, even just to watch some tv or chit chat or share some take out.  it saved my sanity to get some human companionship during that year with my dd (and dads dont really cut it sometimes).  join a playgroup (yes, even with him that young), join mommy and me yoga, join gymboree...do whatever you have to do to get out there and get some social interaction.  there are no words to express the grief and change that comes with realizing your whole past is, indeed, now your past and you are left with the word "MOTHER" stamped across your forehead and you have no idea what lay before you.  it is so scary and I remember at times, truly devastating.  but it gets sooooo much better and before you know it, your little boy will be walking and talking, then going to sleepovers, then having weeks at grandma and grandpas, then going to summer camps.  my dd is now six and it's incredible how fast and independent they grow.  please check in and let us know how you're doing, mama.  we're here for you...but please also get some real life interaction in some way, shape or form.  it will save your sanity.

[mikeysmommy]

Ugh! So sorry you're having such a hard time. I didn't have PPD after my son was born but the hormonal imbalance, sleep deprivation, and newness of it all was overwhelming. Baby and I went out of town for 5 weeks. DH wasn't helping so I went to get help where I could, my mom! Best decision I ever made. He didn't understand the seriousness of me being overwhelmed. I have lupus and had preeclampsia this pregnancy and preeclampsia last year as well as HELLP syndrome that ended in my daughter being stillborn so I decided, and am still deciding to take care of me. That's what you have to do...you can't take care of baby if you're unwell. Wish you well!

[MotheringBliss]

Homeopathic Aurum Metallicum, EMDR therapy, and fresh placenta helped me the most.  You're toughing it out fantastcally! 

[MeepyCat]

Originally Posted by ANannyMoose 

Smokering- My dh does know, but I'm not sure he comprehends, if that makes sense. Yesterday morning was really rough, and I told him that I seriously thought about checking myself into a psych hospital. But I'm sure the baby wouldn't come with me (especially if I said anything about thoughts of harming the baby), and leaving my baby to scream and starve is just not a real option for me. He seemed surprised to hear me say I had really thought about seeking that level of help. And honestly, later in the day, I was mostly fine. I just really overreact to things, and I can totally see that a few hours later, but at the time, it just seems like everything is so overwhelming and awful.

ANannyMoose, I've struggled with anxiety and depression and my experience is that, when I'm not well, I feel as if I was never well and I never will be.  Conversely, when I am well, I feel as if I've always been well and it's not going to change.  When I'm hormonal, or really overwhelmed, I can go from well to unwell really fast, and the consequent change in my opinions can give me whiplash.  If you find that you're that kind of overwhelmed frequently, it may be appropriate to give that feeling more weight then you give your opinion about what you need when things are better. 

Should you find that you feel that you need to check yourself in to the hospital for help, your baby will not be left to scream and starve.  Your baby has more then one parent.  You can pump milk, or give formula if that's what you need to do.  Having healthy and sane parents is a lot more important to a baby then having breast milk is.