"Actually, I'm finding mothering to be a thankless an exhausting task, and sometimes I want to... - Page 2

[here we are]

Originally Posted by ANannyMoose 

Smokering- My dh does know, but I'm not sure he comprehends, if that makes sense. Yesterday morning was really rough, and I told him that I seriously thought about checking myself into a psych hospital. But I'm sure the baby wouldn't come with me (especially if I said anything about thoughts of harming the baby), and leaving my baby to scream and starve is just not a real option for me. He seemed surprised to hear me say I had really thought about seeking that level of help. And honestly, later in the day, I was mostly fine. I just really overreact to things, and I can totally see that a few hours later, but at the time, it just seems like everything is so overwhelming and awful.

Here we are - I'm glad you could find something useful in all of this. I guess I would say that, for me, the fact that I had a lot of mental health issues before getting pregnant makes this all not that surprising.

More to say, but baby  needs me.

Its a strange thing to feel that knowing how hard of a time someone is having can be a helpful thing to know ..its scary too b/c i honestly dont think i could handle it, and knowing its "only for a few years" or so probably would not help me to think. Sleep is sleep, having energy matters, i dont know what to think. Why would people keep having babies if its so so hard i ask myself. I.am glad for your honesty and i am worried what will.happen to you ,and to myself . When each day is hard so hard, what can you do?

[kathymuggle]

Just a line to let you know I am thinking of you.

Do whatever you need to in order to keep yourself and your baby safe.

And you should be proud of putting one foot in front of the other   

Kathy

Edited by kathymuggle - 12/10/12 at 5:07am

[ANannyMoose]

Thanks to those who have continued to chime in with their experiences, and assurances that it will get better.

MotheringBliss - I did have my placenta encapsulated, but it is (finally) all gone. Not sure if taking it ever did me any good, having nothing to compare to. Fresh placenta, unfortunately, was just too gross a thought for me to stomach!

here we are - ITA about it being easier when you know someone else is going through the same thing. I think it's just because you don't feel like the world's most incompetent human being when you realize other people are struggling to handle something that it seems like most people glide through effortlessly. And I completely wondered the same thing about people having more than one baby during my baby's first week, and for awhile beyond. (It was a very rough first week, probably because the baby was actually starving, something I didn't figure out until much later and still hurts to think about.) dh and I both come from large families, and I know tons of people with more than one kid. But after having my own, it suddenly became completely unfathomable. I can say that I have moved on to thinking (sometimes) that more than one is doable, but then the baby has a bad day, and I think NO WAY all over again!

Quote:

Originally Posted by MeepyCat 

ANannyMoose, I've struggled with anxiety and depression and my experience is that, when I'm not well, I feel as if I was never well and I never will be.  Conversely, when I am well, I feel as if I've always been well and it's not going to change.  When I'm hormonal, or really overwhelmed, I can go from well to unwell really fast, and the consequent change in my opinions can give me whiplash.  If you find that you're that kind of overwhelmed frequently, it may be appropriate to give that feeling more weight then you give your opinion about what you need when things are better. 

Yeah, this totally describes me. When I'm down or overwhelmed, getting help is more than I can really manage. And when I'm not, I think I don't need help. It does not help that I absolutely HATE calling people on the phone.

Originally Posted by MeepyCat 

Should you find that you feel that you need to check yourself in to the hospital for help, your baby will not be left to scream and starve.  Your baby has more then one parent.  You can pump milk, or give formula if that's what you need to do.  Having healthy and sane parents is a lot more important to a baby then having breast milk is.

Unfortunately, it's not any sort of ideological position that's stopping my baby from taking a bottle. He literally does not possess the necessary oral motor skills to use one. And we've been working on that for over a month now with no real improvement. dh would love nothing more than to be able to feed the baby and let me have a break. I've got a decent amount of pumped milk in the freezer. But LO just can't take it. And he's getting to the point where he doesn't want to try any more, probably because he's sick of having his mouth poked at. So if I weren't available to breastfeed him, he would, at a minimum, be very distressed. At worst, he would have to be placed on some sort of feeding tube. That's not something I'm willing to do to him. I think that this contributes to some of my emotional upheaval - it's one thing to do something that demands a lot of time and sacrifice (breastfeeding) because you've made that choice. It's another to do it because there is no other choice.

I think part of what's tough for me is the total impossibility of retreating from the world to just cope with things alone. That's really how I've dealt with things in the past - withdrawal. Since getting married, that has been much less possible. Since having a baby, it's been entirely impossible. And withdrawal is not really the best coping mechanism, and I know that. But it's hard to have that option totally taken away.

[MotheringBliss]

I so admire your determination to grapple with those deeply rooted defenses!   I made many regrettable decisions before reaching a place of "I will be here for my baby in spite of my issues".  Actually,  I think my actual thought was "Separation due to despair is not an option".  Just like people enduring extreme survival situations, the realization that there is no escape or rescue and finding (creating?) that unrelenting need to survive on your own becomes paramount.  Difficult to say the least when every other day or moment with a tiny babe triggers an overwhelming compulsion to leave the body and enter oblivion.  

After making that steadfast declaration, helpful measures came fourth, and the glacial melting of my defenses began.  Looks like you're pretty much there mama.  I wish I had your courage and keen wherewithall when I was a new mom.

See if Homeopathic Aurum is a match for you...

http://books.google.com/books?id=jNw9Fi3qnNAC&pg=PA28&lpg=PA28&dq=aurum+metallicum+indications&source=bl&ots=eMT594iFLl&sig=5DSbFQz78Ahj6qwsVnYij6H1Uak&hl=en&sa=X&ei=vknIUNLUJMTL2QWRpIG4Cw&ved=0CEkQ6AEwAzge#v=onepage&q=aurum%20metallicum%20indications&f=false 

$15 bucks online may be worth a try...

If you've suffered sexual trauma "When Rabbit Howls" was a profound read for me regarding compartmentalization & splitting of the mind when the body is pushed beyond comprehension.  NOT light reading but helpful in reunifying the psyche.

http://ebookbrowse.com/when-rabbit-howls-pdf-d95103127

I hope I've not offended you with suggestions...Your pain is all too familiar and if I could lessen it in any measure, then my suffering has purpose.

[rightkindofme]

Feel free to ignore me. That is always a valid option.

You were diagnosed bipolar that young? Did you experience severe trauma? I have had therapists tell me I have bipolar disorder but I don't, I have PTSD. All of my behavior and moods can be directly linked to specific traumas and dealing with the trauma is the only thing that really helps me. I go to a lot of therapy because I did not learn how to be a functional, healthy person as a child.

Ppd is no joke. It is very dangerous. I don't know if I just had ppd with my second child or if it was a larger problem in the scope of my life. Hard to judge with me. I smoke pot. I started after I had kids. I tried it a few times before and hated it. It calms my stomach pain enough to eat (I have severe anxiety along with my depression) and I can get enough calories to survive without vomiting or pain. It calms my racing thoughts. It makes me able to sit and hold a baby and look intently without sobbing.

My kids know I medicate. My story is:everyone has a slightly different body and therefore has different needs. A long time ago bad stuff happened to me and I forgot how to stop feeling scared. My brain just doesn't know how to feel safe. The medicine in this plant let's my brain remember that I don't need to be scared any more. Nothing bad happens to me now.

I've tried western meds and had horrible side effects. I didn't sleep for two weeks on some meds.

Part of the problem is if they misdiagnose you, PTSD is NOT bipolar disorder, then they give you meds which will exacerbate your issues. Be careful with western meds. If a doctor was willing to sit and listen to me talk about my body and experiences then I might be willing to try again. Anyone who wants a ten minute summary of my life then they tell me to take a pill can't help me. That is not the solution to my problem.

And for the love of shiny green apples take all the help that is offered. They are serious about wanting to build a relationship with your kid.

[ANannyMoose]

Don't have a lot of time, but did want to respond quickly and say that no, sexual abuse or other trauma is not part of my issue. I've had a remarkably boring life as far as such things go. It is part of what made/makes it difficult for me to accept my mental health issues - I'm pretty damned blessed. I have no *reason*, other than bad biochemistry, to not be very mentally healthy.

Will respond with more later, need to take the chance to marinade the chicken while the baby is sleeping!

[rightkindofme]

That's great! I love hearing that. The not-being-abused part, I mean. Not the mental health issues. Ahem.

The first 18 months were shit. I hated them. Thankfully that period of a kid's life is fairly short in the scheme of things. Acknowledge to yourself that you are not a baby person and just be thrilled that soon you will have kids instead. :) That's what I do at least. :)

And seriously--get people on babysitting rotation. Get out of your house for a 30 minute walk. Really. Kiddo won't starve in 30 minutes and you could use the exercise and time alone.

[McGucks]

OP:  Just wanted to let you know, as others have, that you are WAY not alone.  I still feel guilty when people say "Oh!  You were a SAHM for two and a half years!  That must have been so fun!"  I get funny looks when I approach the truth and say, "Well, parts of it were fun, but it was really hard a lot of the time."

No.  It wasn't so fun. Yes, it had many sweet moments and I am, like you, proud that I was able to do ANYTHING.  Proud that I was able to leave the house, buckle my kid safely into a carseat, and go to Mommy & Me stuff even though it made me SO uncomfortable.  I am not and have never been a joiner.  Very shy and awkward and all that, but the PPD was so bad that my DH literally dropped our baby and me off at my first LLL group, drove around, then picked me up because I just couldn't leave the house otherwise.  Ditto my first "Mommy" playgroup.  I made it through with his help and still feel very lucky that I've got him.

Our marriage has survived; our child will be three in March.  It wasn't ever too easy, I'll tell you.  Not to hijack, but just saying that there are a lotta bumps along the way.  The lack of sleep was (and sometimes still is) an absolute horror.

Also, it is okay to acknowledge that some babies are way harder than others, just like some adults are way harder than others.  Some lives are way harder than others.  Some bio-chemical make-ups are harder than others.  I have a (never depressed) friend who completely scoffs at depression--she's of the mind that you can either be depressed or not, you just pick.  Must be nice.

Good luck.  I second the recommendation to check out some meds.  Can't hurt to try.  Or check out alternatives.  Even just trying SOMETHING can help.

Mothering is not for the faint of heart.  Hope yours is strengthening a bit day by day.

[ANannyMoose]

MotheringBliss - I will admit that I'm generally pretty skeptical of homeopathy. But I did read most of the chapter in the link. Small parts of that description apply to me, but the majority does not. It is interesting that someone else, several years ago, also indicated that they thought my depression issues were due to my parents' lack of acceptance of me. I'm puzzled why people get that impression, because while my parents were not perfect, they were hardly cold and demanding. Not sure if it's an assumption people make based on the way I turned out, or if something about the way  I talk about my family causes people to assume that.

Rightkindofme - Just wanted to clarify that the bipolar diagnosis occurred in my midtwenties. However, I started having issues with depression/suicidal ideation when I was around 11 or 12. I didn't get any help at that time because I didn't feel like it was something I could tell anyone about. I am working on getting more support going. My brother is coming to watch the baby tomorrow for me while I go to the chiropractor. I met an older lady at church last week who said she'd be willing/able to come in the evenings if my husband isn't home. He isn't home tonight, but I was at mommy group in the morning and my parents' house for most of the day after that, so I didn't bother calling her tonight. Mercifully, the baby is asleep right now, and will hopefully be that way for most of the night. Now that I finally  have a stroller, I'm hoping to take the baby out on more walks. Of course, it suddenly decided to get cold here. :P Ironically, I typically like babies more than kids. Hopefully I will managed to like my kids. I think some of my issues are honestly with my specific baby, because of his struggles with fussiness. When he is happy, I do enjoy him. It's just hard to get him happy/keep him happy.

McGuck - Yeah, people don't want to hear that it wasn't bliss. I'm glad you were able to get out there and find some support. I'm sort of middle ground - sometimes I like going and meeting new people, sometimes I find it very difficult. But I'm continuing to force myself to go to things for both of our sakes. I went to book club a few days ago (without the baby - dh kept him), and we started talking about babies, and I felt so much better when one of the other moms said she understood why people abused their kids when she had her daughter (not that she condoned abuse), and that sometimes she just had to put her daughter in her closet and close the door when she was crying. A few other people made similar comments, and it made me feel so much better. Not that it was what any of us WANTED, or envisioned as perfect parenting, but just that acknowledgement that sometimes you just need to put your baby somewhere safe and get away from them when you've done all you can think of for them and are overwhelmed. I am desperately hoping that my next baby is easier. It was actually helpful to have my mom come over the other day and say, "He's really high maintenance!" And she loves her grandson, and has been very involved in helping her other grandkids, so it's not like she's just not used to kids anymore. It was so validating to have someone else say that it wasn't just my personality or whatever that made him difficult to deal with - some of it is his personality! He can be really charming with strangers, very flirty, so I get a lot of "Oh, he's such a happy baby!" comments, which makes things even harder, in a way. Because he's NOT always a happy baby. He can be, he's adorable when he is, but he simply ISN'T that way 24/7, or even close to it.

AFM, applying for a very part-time job where I could take my baby with me, more to get out of the house than for the money (it's minimum wage). We'll see what comes of that.

[mommy68]

You'd be surprised at other moms who can relate, so being honest may not be a bad thing. Seek help if you need it. I had PP depression after the birth of my 10 yr old and had it for almost two years. She was also a very hard, coilcky baby. So I relate. Just don't compare yourself to "other" moms and be YOU and do the best you can. (((hugs)))  The PPD will pass and will be a memory one day!

[Tenk]

I'm so sorry that things have gone this way since your sons birth and I do so hope you are getting what you need now (didn't read the last post but read the 1st 10 or so).  If you are able to get someone to come in occasionally and watch him (for 30 minutes, an hour?) and actually GO to the gym it truly does work wonders!!

After my 2.5 year old was born, my life SUCKED.  I laid on the couch constantly, I barely showered, life just really SUCKED.  I thought I could handle things on my own (like a PP said) and then realized that I NEEDED help.  After starting meds things slowly got easier until I felt like ME again.  I did wean myself off the meds eventually and started the gym and life just got so SO much easier.

YOU CAN DO THIS, MAMA!!  Ask for the help you need and things will start to fall into place.  Big hugs to you ((((HUGS))))

[ANannyMoose]

Just a quick stop-by to say that things have been a bit better since dh has had some vacation days and the baby has had some better days. It really makes a huge difference when the baby isn't being a total PITA.