Preteen Drama

[jgeorge]

Hello!  I am new to this site and looking for advice.  My daughter is 12 and in 7th grade.  She as 3 besties and is currently having drama with one of them (I will call her "D").  D has told a boy that my daughter talks to that he can do better and that my daughter isn't good enough for him.  D likes this boy and is trying to get this boy to like her and not my daughter (which she has suceeded in doing by badmouthing her and doing who knows what else).  My issue is not the boy as they are only 12, but rather the way D has talked about my daughter behind her back.  My daughter's reponse was to post some things on InstaGram tagging her other besties but clearly leaving D out.  She also posted something to the effect of "true friends don't talk about you behind your back"...etc, etc, etc.  Now D is acting hurt when she actually started it in the first place with the backstabbing.  I'm trying to help my daughter through this without letting my negative experiences with past friendships get in the way (which is very hard).  My daughter feels that she deserves an apology (which I agree) and won't talk to D  until she gets it.  If I know my daughter she will apologize as well once she receives an apology first.  D isn't admitting that she backstabbed even though the boy and her other two besties pointed her out in person as having said it.  My own horrible experiences with being backstabbed make me want to tell my daughter to beware and stay away from this girl, but I kind of know that may not be the best advice.  Can anyone help?
Thanks,

J

[~Nikki~]

My advice to my own daughter has always been to kill them with kindness.  Be so incredibly nice to people that they can't possibly be cruel to you without extreme guilt for it. =P 

That said, nothing in life is that simple.  The manipulation and backstabbing between girls - in my experience - does not end after highschool.  I actually avoid being friends with women, because of it.  I work in an office setting now, and sometimes feel like I'm back in highschool.  It just doesn't end.  And it's sad.  When will women stop being such jerks to one another??

I understand the knee-jerk reaction of posting a passive agressive comment, like your daughter did.  I see it a lot on Facebook between my young nieces/cousins and thier friends.  But in almost every situation, it just seems to cause more drama.

If it's really bad, could you have your daughter invite D over and act as a (completely impartial) mediator between them?  Or just encourage them to talk it through?  I'm a firm believer that kids need to learn to work out these things, themselves.  It's such an important life skill. 

[singin'intherain]

I agree that passive agressive moves are unhelpful, no matter how tempting or well deserved. The best thing for her to do is to confront her friend calmly, and tell her that she wants her as a friend, but feels like she can't trust her when she talks about her behind her back. Most people will respond better to straight appeals than retaliation.

[KittyProblems]

My friends did this to me, and still do, and I am nearly at the end of my high school years. I just would tell her that she has every right to feel the way she feels, and depending on how long the fight lasts, and how many times they've fought, you can encourage her that if she doesn't want to be treated badly (which I whole-heartidly agree she is being) she can stop being friends with D, but only if the fight lasts longer than 2 months, and if they have fought before, would I actually tell her about the friendship break up thing, you wouldn't want to have her lose a friend, if she rushed into dropping her too early.