Feel like I'm crazy... just need to vent... maybe someone has similar feelings. « Back to Group Discussions

[nattery]

I am not really sure where to vent this in my 'physical' world so I'm venting online. It involves my husband so I feel awkward venting to friends and family because we are all so close in real life and in no way do I want to suggest my husband is being a bad guy...

I know part of it is hormones. And I know part of it (in my case) has to do with past relationships (mainly that I was pressured to have children with my last partner despite it being a very unhealthy relationship... although I never actually had children with that partner, I had a lot of fears about being 'trapped' in an unhappy relationship should I become pregnant and also feared being used as a means for him having children despite him not actually loving me).

Anyways... here is my vent / crazy moment

I am really struggling with my husband and his attention on the pregnancy and lack of attention towards me as his wife. He is extremely attentive and gives me a lot of attention, but it's all baby related. He watches what I eat (to insure I"m eating enough and that it's nutritious), checks to make sure I'm comfortable, does extra chores to make sure I get rest, etc etc. He's a dream come true in that regard... to the point where I feel handicapped sometimes (he fusses over me when it's not necessary or uninvited).

However, despite all of this, I'm feeling neglected as a companion. I feel more like a child or a job for him to look after and by the end of the day, he is tired, burnt out, and quite frankly doesn't look at me as someone he wants to spend time with to relax or have fun with. He's out three nights a week with the boys, playing games, playing sports, etc WHICH I SUPPORT BUT he never makes any time for us to go out and have fun together. Furthermore, he has cancelled on me to go out with the boys on several occasions. The last time was last Thursday, I had been looking forward to a musical performance at a local late night coffee bar (I'm not overly excited to go to loud bars these days with the strong smell of alcohol, pub food and my sensitive stomach). I thought he would love to go out to the coffee bar since it's the same event where we had our first date (and we both had a blast). So it's not like I'm dragging him out to one of my interests. I honestly thought he would be excited... but the night before he cancelled to have a second game night with the boys. Ugh. Despite knowing I had been really excited to go out with him and it was the first event in weeks if not months we were going out together.

The kicker for me was that tomorrow we are FINALLY going way on our delayed honeymoon (due to financial troubles that prevented us from going a few months ago when we got married. Since our schedules are so wonky and out of synch it's rare we have late evenings together so I suggested we go to the movies to see Life of  Pi to kick start going away tomorrow (again, a movie we both wanted to see, not just me... he's been excited to see it). He declined and said he already had made plans with the guys. I complained, pointing out he has cancelled on me several times so can't he just cancel on the guys tonight since we rarely have the chance at late nights together and it's the eve of our honeymoon. He said it's unfair to cancel on his friends since they're counting on him. I can't help feel like there is a double standard going on... especially since I've already let him know I'm feeling neglected in the wife department. He wouldn't budge and I stormed off to work this morning. I expected my mood to pass and that I would feel less emotional about it by this evening but I"m still pissed and just plain hurt.

I've already explained how I'm feeling to hm last time he canceled on me, and despite letting him know how I feel he has yet to make any effort to do anything special with me. I'm starting to resent the pregnancy attention I get from him and would rather get no attention at all. I would rather be left alone then feel like a chore or a job and not someone he can have fun with.  I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable since he goes out three nights a week with friends AND it isn't uncommon for friends to come by and hang out here 1-2 nights a week on top of that. Nights he isn't busy he's either tired and wants time to himself or just wants to watch tv with me.

I am going out with friends as well, he isn't my world and I am social on my own but I miss having date nights and just honestly just feeling like he wants to be around me in a capacity other than the lady carrying his child.

I'm I being unreasonable? are these feelings normal? I feel crazy and overly emotional about it and I can't help but feel like I'm over reacting or being selfish since he gives me a lot of pregnancy related attention. I know I'm very lucky to have him and that a lot of women would kill to have such an attentive partner during pregnancy. I honestly thought I'd be over it by the end of the day but I'm not and on the eve of our honeymoon, and first time alone together I've lost all motivation to prepare any of the romantic things I had planned, or bring any of the romantic items (candles, lingerie, etc) because I feel like at this point, it's just a one way street and he wouldn't care/ notice anyways. Ugh. This sucks :(

[Tenk]

I don't have advice, but wanted to offer you a hug!  You have every right to be upset and frankly I'm surprised you're comfortable with him going out so much.  I guess it's the newness of being married and perhaps you're both young still (am I wrong in this assumption?).  You are still a woman, with womanly needs, wifely needs even, and just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you don't deserve these things.

Maybe try to bring yourself to toss the lingerie in a bag anyway just in case and make sure you take time to tell him exactly how you're feeling (after you've arrived at your destination) because canceling on you SUCKS (IMO) to hang out with the guys especially if he can't cancel on them to hang out with you.

I do hope your honeymoon is wonderful (let's not cal it a babymoon because it's about you guys ..... or maybe if you call it that he'll pay more attention to you?!?!
 

[pokeyAC]

I'm sorry you are feeling crappy. I hope you have a great honeymoon. It's good that you have already talked to him about how you feel. I can't tell you what to do, but maybe there is an additional way to frame the discussion. When the baby comes, you will have even less time to spend together as a couple. The next several months are a good time to develop good habits to keep your relationship strong. Maybe plan a weekly date night. Talk about how you will keep your relationship happy and healthy while raising a child together. Start making adjustments to your lifestyle now so it's not such a shock later. I believe it is really healthy to have your own activities you enjoy separately, but it's important to have a balance between separate and couple time. I hope you are able to work things out and feel better soon.

[DanceGina]

If this is bothering you now, think about what is going to happen when you have a newborn.  My husband was always out at his "study group" every night (law school) and I was stuck at home breastfeeding and singing to our son who would not sleep.  I felt trapped and very alone, as we were far from family.  When I would sob to my husband that I was so depressed and always alone except for the crying baby he would say I was unreasonable.  It took me 2 years to recover and we almost got divorced.  Perhaps you could discuss your feelings about his absences during your special time together this week?  Looking back, I wish I had talked with my husband about the 9 months of pregnancy as a transition from a guy who gets to do whatever he wants to a guy who has to be there for his family most of the time, but I really didn't understand what people meant when they said "a baby will change everything".  Good luck.  It sounds like he is really dedicated to your physical well-being, but needs to work on responding to your emotional needs.  

[BabySmurf]

hugs! you guys are going through a lot of transitions right now.  when my DH and I got married, we really just looked at it like "okay, we got the piece of paper, now what?" But it was really so much more than that, and neither one of us expected it.  Do you have the same expectations for marriage? do you have the same expectations for parenthood? These are things that are good to discuss openly, and that way, if you aren't on the same page with something, then you can clear the air, and figure out some kind of compromise, rather than just assuming that the other person knows what your needs are.  I find that those ideas are always evolving with how life unfolds, so even if you have had the discussion before, it's good to bring it up again every so often. 

I can totally see why you feel a bit neglected, and I don't think that it's all that abnormal behavior for a first time Dad to not really "get" how all of this effects us.  I think that it's good to talk to him about how it makes you feel, and don't label it as "crazy pregnancy hormones", these are legitimate feelings and they need to be dealt with.  Like PP mentioned, this will only become more difficult when Baby comes if you don't define some kind of roles or expectations, kwim? Find a way to discuss it openly, and try not to accuse him of being inadequate or something...just point out that your needs are evolving and your family is evolving and you need X,Y, and Z.  I also like the idea of having a date night every week, that's something that my DH and I do (or try to), and it really helps keep a good connection.  It really sucks that he cancelled on you for "the guys", but sometimes that can mean that they are having a hard time with their emotions.  Even though I'm sure he's happy and genuinely wants the life you are making together, it can be a tricky thing for a guy to really take on the responsibilities of a husband and dad - even if all you did was get that piece of paper, kwim?

My DH and I were together for 7 and a half years before we got married, and we only got married because we were ready to start a family.  But each of those milestones threw my DH threw a loop.  Even though we wanted it, even though we planned it, he definitely had to take time to work through his emotions over those things....so maybe that is what your DH is doing?

Either way, it's important to talk about this stuff before it manifests into a bigger problem. 

[nattery]

I know it's been awhile since I posted but I thought since people took the time to reply, an update might be nice! 

I'm happy to report things have improved by quite a bit. My husband is a very sensitive and caring person and I knew that our problems weren't from his 'not caring' how I felt but simply not understanding how his decisions were affecting me and also him not understanding how to balance everything going on in his world. Our honeymoon was lovely (the first day was me being super hormonal -which isn't writing off my feelings but certainly motivated me to vocalize them - and it felt good to let it all out and put all my feelings on the table... but afterwards I was able to calm down and relax).

He has decided to not take part in one of his evening sports activities and be more flexible with nights with the boys which I really appreciate. He tried to take me out last night to a show (like a date night!) but sadly I came down with a really bad migraine and had to stay in (but I really appreciated his efforts!). Before the pregnancy we were both fairly independent people... a lot of our relationship was long distance in the beginning so we are both used to leading our own lives while being together. It doesn't bother me if he's out 2-3 times a week because I have my own hobbies and groups as well but with that being said, we can't keep that up after a newborn and I think I recognized that transition faster than he did (though he does acknowledge and agree with it).

So I'm feeling a lot better in general and more importantly I feel understood and my feelings respected. I know he will transition into being a dad really well, he is really family oriented and is very supportive of my changing needs. I think the problem was that the pregnancy and I got lumped into one category rather than treating the pregnancy and it's needs separate and distinctly from my needs as an individual and wife.

So I wanted to thank everyone for their support. It was really nice to be able to read some comforting words and to feel validated at a time when I question if I'm being unreasonable, hormonal or ??

Thank you ladies!

[BabySmurf]

Glad things worked out nicely...usually that's the case, and a dose of talking through things is all people need :)

[pokeyAC]

I'm so glad things are better.  It's a good thing we have 9 months to prepare before the baby comes.  This is a HUGE transition!  I hope you are both able to find a good balance in your new life.