International mama...so lonely...

[RoseLemon]

I'm an American mom living in Copenhagen, Denmark with my husband and 10 month old son. We've been here 5 months and I've never felt more lonely and overwhelmed. My support system is so far away and with a 6 hour time difference, they're asleep most of the time my husband is at work or school, so I'm completely alone. I've been trying to make friends, but it's really hard. There's really no such thing as a stay-at-home mom here and so most kids my son's age are in day care and their moms are at work.

My son is not sleeping well these days and is pretty grumpy during the day. That would be annoying in a normal situation, but my pretty extreme isolation is making it just awful. I react too strongly to him, get too frustrated too quickly. He's just being a baby and I get so mad. I know that's because I can't get away ever. I'm alone with him all the time and even on a Saturday if my husband can be with him for a few hours, I don't have friends to hang out with. I have tried to get out there, but Danes are a difficult bunch...very independent and self-sufficient, staying in their own circles and not interested in letting someone else in, especially since I don't know Danish well and a lot of them are uncomfortable in English. (I know I'm overgeneralizing...sorry to any Danes reading this).

I know I sound very whiny and I'm sorry about that. I'm just so discouraged and find myself wishing I'd never agreed to come here or that I'd never had a baby. I don't really mean it, I just feel it sometimes.

I've never really tried out an online forum...people are right, it is comforting to write out into the anonymous internet world...even if there aren't any easy answers that people can give.

[skycheattraffic]

Oh big hugs mama! I remember that age being difficult and that was with family nearby! My DD is 20 months old and everyone I know has gone back to work so I can empathize on the isolation point. What I try is to get out of the house 2 or 3 times a week even if I don't have anyone to meet. I go to the library and hang out with her in the kids section for a while, then I often get groceries or whatever. In the summer we practically live at the park. I don't have much time at the moment but wanted to send you hugs. You should also try the "finding your tribe" forum here, you may find a local mom or two ;-)

[ollyoxenfree]

I don't normally hang out in this Baby forum, but I noticed the thread title in New Posts and couldn't resist posting after I read your post. I can relate. I've been an ex-pat far from family and friends. It does get a little easier when the children are older and more involved in school or extra-curricular activities. I don't know how popular Mom and Tot music classes, swim classes, library storytimes, park playdates, museum workshops and those sorts of things are in Denmark, but anything like that can help you start a network. 

Another possibility is to try some activities without the baby. Danish as a second language class is an obvious place to meet some other ex-pats. Perhaps try yoga, cooking class, a lecture series, photography class or any other interest that you might want to develop a little. Consider starting a blog about your experiences while you are living in Copenhagen. 

Since you haven't had a lot of success yet meeting Danes, are there ex-pat communities where you can get involved and connect with a few others? Often it helps to have an intro from ex-pats who have already settled into the local community. Corporate relocation companies are often very helpful for setting up spousal support groups or making contacts. University alumni groups are another possibility.

It can be very tough at first as you build new friendships. It can take some time to forge true bonds. Don't get discouraged. 

[MrsGregory]

Oh yes, hang in there Mama!

I have been in Texas 3 years and am just now starting to feel like I am making friends. That lonely feeling can be so defeating. Just remember that your circumstances are just what they are, and you will, if you keep trying, find your friends. You will.

[tangledblue]

Hang in there, it is hard enough to be a new parent without adjusting to a new country where you don't have a network at the same time. I agree, look for other expats if you can, and maybe take a couple of weeks to go home and visit family if you can and recharge a little. Also, it sounds like your husband is very busy but make sure he understands that you need some time to yourself too (cheaper than therapy!)

Have you seen this? http://www.copcap.com/content/us/living_working/working_in_copenhagen/the_expat_community

[ithappened]

Oh how I understand.

I am an American living in Europe. I have been here for almost 5 years now and I am embarassed to admit that it been 5 full years of being alone and having my family and friends be 9 hour time difference and a 20 hour air flight to get too.

but slowly it does get better or at the very least I have gotten used to the lonliness. All my friends are based online now and I have learned the language so I can get around and what I need easily but that has all taken some time. The first 2 years is the worst of it.

CPH is a big city filled with expats. There has got to be a ton of expat groups?

I am not on mothering much but please please feel free to DM me, I am happy to be a friend and support.

[ollyoxenfree]

Hi RoseLemon. Just checking in to see how you are doing this week.  

[RoseLemon]

It's really great to hear about other peoples' experiences with other situations like this one. Thank you for the encouragements. It's just a lot harder than I envisioned. I've done this before - living in another country for an extended period of time - but there I had a built in community because of my job and I didn't have a baby, so I had more time for social stuff. I underestimated how different it would be this time around.

Thank you for checking up on me, ollyoxenfree. I've been feeling a bit better because I'm not as hormonal as I was last week. But my little guy is not feeling well these days and we're having a hard time figuring out what's causing all of his stomach pain. It makes it extra frustrating to be in a foreign place with a foreign medical system to navigate when there's a little person not feeling well. I feel so bad for him and I wish I were better equipped to help him feel better.

I've tried some different activities but so far, not much luck in meeting people. But, things like swim classes and baby gymnastics have provided fun experiences for my son and I to enjoy together. He's such a sweetheart (when he's not whiny from being sick). I'm starting Danish classes in January, so hopefully that will open some doors for getting to know other expats.

Again, thanks for all the encouragements!
 

[ollyoxenfree]

It's good to hear that you have felt a little better this week. I've been having a busy week myself and today is my first quiet day to get back to respond. I hope your little one feels better soon. Tummy troubles always make me think about diet first and possibly working through an elimination diet to search out any of the usual suspects like dairy that cause difficulty, but I'm sure you've already considered that. 

Do you celebrate the holidays? The loneliness can get a little harder during holidays. DH and I tried a few different distractions to make up for not having family nearby. We made a list of activities for Advent like seeking out homes with Christmas decorations, attending a Christmas carol sing in the park, and watching holiday performances. We adopted a few local holiday customs and made them our own and years later, long after we've left, we still include some of those customs in our celebrations. At this time of year, there are often charities such as food banks who need extra volunteer help. Perhaps you might find some connections while doing some volunteering and also share a little of the holiday spirit at the same time. 

Take care....