Input for a Book I am writing - Page 2

[CatsCradle]

Originally Posted by deannaggg 

The OP  just to clarify, I was not asking anyone's advice on enjoying parenthood, i was asking for their experience. 

I think that you will find that most people at MDC "enjoy" being a parent, and that enjoyment is PART or even MOST of their experience.  

Very rarely do I see the Andrea Yates types people on this board who can't handle being a parent and who are on some destructive path with their kids because of being overwhelmed, depressed, joyless, etc..  Maybe you can try some more mainstream boards where people are really questioning their decisions to become parents?  You seem to be suggesting in your OP that you want to "uplift" parents who need to find more joyfulness in parenting.  I know very few MDC parents who lack the joy.  My take on your OP was that you are somehow more qualified to give advice on parenting than the rest of us.  This is my personal reaction only.  I think it's cool when people have lots of kids but I think there are a lot of philosophical and moral issues that we all struggle with, no matter how many kids we have or what we think our experiences encompass.  

As someone who reads a lot and likes to learn about different experiences, I'd love to just read a book about a family's personal experiences (sort of like an autobiography) rather than an advice book on how to make my personal life better even though my circumstances are very different.  I'm not trying to be critical, but just putting my thoughts out there about what might really interest people.  

[deannaggg]

Actually, the reason i brought this question to this forum is, as I was getting familiar with Mothering.com, I ran across numerous posts about the anxiety, and angst of parenting. So while YOUR enjoying parenting, that may not be the majority. 

Thanks for the input, I will consider putting more of our personal stories into the book. 

I don't understand why the majority of replies to this post seem to garner animosity, I in no way insinuated that I am an expert, I am simply stating that many may NOT find joy in parenting, or rather may have things that aggravate them and discourage them. 

If I was to offer a smile to someone who seems agitated in public, does this mean I am patronizing them, looking down on them for their grumpy mood? I think not. I am simply trying to share empathy, and say, "we have all been there" 

If more of us spent time LIFTING and encouraging, imagine the good we can do! 

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by deannaggg 

I don't understand why the majority of replies to this post seem to garner animosity, I in no way insinuated that I am an expert, I am simply stating that many may NOT find joy in parenting, or rather may have things that aggravate them and discourage them. 

While we're not really supposed to reference other threads, I'm going to knowingly break this rule this time.

I'd guess you've garnered animosity from your insulting, condescending "I'm better than the rest of you, and I'm right and if you disagree with me, you're wrong" posts in the closed thread. I'm a SAHM myself, and those were some of the most obnoxious posts I've read here in a looonnng time.

If I was to offer a smile to someone who seems agitated in public, does this mean I am patronizing them, looking down on them for their grumpy mood? I think not. I am simply trying to share empathy, and say, "we have all been there" 

If more of us spent time LIFTING and encouraging, imagine the good we can do! 

Nice thought. You should try it.

Just out of curiousity, how bad was your birth-related PTSD, and how hard was it to hold your stillborn child, and how many of your children have special needs? (My PTSD was pretty freaking bad. It was harder than there are words for to hold my stillborn son. And, only one of my children - probably - has special needs, but we haven't even figured out exactly what's going on with him, let alone the best way to address it.)

How long have you been struggling to put food on the table, and not always succeeding? How often does your husband emotionally - or physically - abuse you? How bad are his - or your - struggles with addiction and mental illness? (These aren't so much about me - I've dealt with most - not all - of these at some point in my past, but not anymore...but a lot of those "joyless" parents you see are dealing with these things...and trust me, it's not that simple to paste on a smile when your child's acting up, you have a migraine, it's 7:00 and you still have to walk the groceries home and make dinner after a crappy day at work. It's hard to be joyful when someone is bouncing you off the walls, because you made chicken, and he wanted a roast.)

How long has your sex life sucked, because your husband is actually gay? (That one's me again - ex, though, not my dh.)
How long have you been struggling with chronic health problems? (Lots of people.)

How long ago did you have the massive heart attack that's left you unable to work?
How long have you been single?

In case you haven't got the message yet - you know what works for you - that doesn't mean it works for everybody else. Every single parent out there is dealing with a different situation than any other parent. Compared to some other parents, those differences are small. Compared to others, those differences are huge.

I love being a SAHM, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Yeah - I have crappy days. I'm effing tired. That doesn't mean I need someone coming along and telling me how to enjoy myself...or telling me the "right" way to parent.

[Storm Bride]

Oh, and to answer your OP:

My biggest concerns about motherhood are...well, there's really only one. I'm concerned that we won't be able to figure out how to help ds2 navigate the world around him in a way that's healthy for him or the people around him. His issues aren't always obvious, are very subtle at times, and tend to leave him ostracized, socially. It's hard to watch as a parent.

My biggest obstacles? There have been lots...an emotionally abusive, gay (please note that I don't care at all if most people are gay, but it's not one of the qualities I was looking for in a life and sex partner), drug addicted ex-husband. Birth trauma. Infertility (years - never explained). Miscarriages. A term stillbirth. Poverty. Health issues. Periods of depression. Life's hard sometimes. Being a parent doesn't make it easier.

There are a few things I'd change, if I could do it all over again. But, I'd still have my kids, and I'd still enjoy all their quirky, creative, high energy, antics, even if they wear me out.

[jenniferlynne]

The fact that you have no idea why people responded to you with animosity is part of the problem.  I agree with StormBride.  Your sweeping statements that "daycare is WRONG" and "people who aren't willing to parent their children 24 hours a day shouldn't have had them" are insulting and offensive.  If you truly want to help parents find the joy in parenting, then try to be a little more understanding of differences in family situations and personalities and a lot less judgmental.  It's obvious that you feel that you have found the one true path to excellent parenting and you want to share your message with people.  But don't be surprised if the people whose choices you've openly attacked and condemned aren't interested in hearing what you have to say or if they respond to you with a bit of animosity.

[amma_mama]

Originally Posted by deannaggg 

Actually, the reason i brought this question to this forum is, as I was getting familiar with Mothering.com, I ran across numerous posts about the anxiety, and angst of parenting. So while YOUR enjoying parenting, that may not be the majority. 

Thanks for the input, I will consider putting more of our personal stories into the book. 

I don't understand why the majority of replies to this post seem to garner animosity, I in no way insinuated that I am an expert, I am simply stating that many may NOT find joy in parenting, or rather may have things that aggravate them and discourage them. 

If I was to offer a smile to someone who seems agitated in public, does this mean I am patronizing them, looking down on them for their grumpy mood? I think not. I am simply trying to share empathy, and say, "we have all been there" 

If more of us spent time LIFTING and encouraging, imagine the good we can do! 

What is discouraging is having other people that are quick to judge our lives and the choices that we make for our child(ren). Some of us have been fortunate to be in a position to make these choices, while others are forced into choices that are due to circumstances outside their control. We have our ups and downs, happiness and unhappiness, tranquility and frustration. Yes, it is nice to get some empathy and advice (if and when sought), but Storm Bride said it all - you have no idea what is going on in somebody else's life and judging their unhappiness as "curable" is offensive. I have fortunately freed myself from the need to drink somebody else's kool-aid and don't need to define myself as AP or mainstream or whatever to feel good about my parenting. My parenting is unique to me and my family, based on my family's needs and interests. 

And, as the PP pointed out, you may want to reflect on your other threads as to whether or not you are spending your time LIFTING and encouraging other mothers that have made choices or have circumstances that are different from yours.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Just a friendly moderator reminder.  I do appreciate the frustration regarding certain statements that have been made in pervious threads, but the thread you are referencing has been closed for good reason.  Please don't bring that conversation to this thread.  Keep it on the subject that is in the OP and avoid the personal attacks please. 

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Philomom-

I have removed your post, as I asked that the previous thread not be referenced only 2 posts above you.  This includes quoting posts that are about the previously removed thread.

I have also removed Honey693's post.  Again, just to make it clear, I've read both threads and posting in a manner that is a reference to (even if it's supposedly disquised) the other thread will be removed, infractions issued, and posting privledges to the thread removed. 

[MeepyCat]

Originally Posted by deannaggg 

Thanks for that input!

This is more to logistics of managing your chores, and how to encourage kids to respect, honor and obey their parents. 

While this is NOT targeted specifically to SAHM, I chose to put it in this forum as I am new to Mothering, and figured it was a good place to start. The assumption that I think you  must have a large family,  breastfeed,  co-sleep, or any other parenting choice is irrelevant to this topic.

What I have found is that by creating a certain amount of order, with your morning routine, or your rules and responsibilities of individuals in a household...This is what can make or break the JOY and peace in a house.

I have seen SO MANY parents with kids who, smart, smack, talk-back, ignore, and blatantly disobey their parents, and as a Mother first, and an Entrepreneur second,I would hope to help those families find a balance, so that their children can find SUCCESS in life. (I am not talking about being millionaires, I am talking ENJOYING life!) 

Parenting is NOT for sissies, and too many get themselves in over their heads and they either give up on fixing the problem, or they honestly have no idea where to turn for help. 

I do not proclaim the answers for everything, but I DO know some simple steps CAN bring back the spark or the enjoyment of being a family! I think too many of us live with regret, or dread, I want to see more mom's (and dad's) SMILING while they parent! 

My kids appear to have adapted mouthyness as their preferred adaptation to circumstances that suck.  They're 3 and 5, and I so much prefer back talk to tantrums and incoherence.  I have some limits, and the kids do test them, but man, there are very few things quicker to get my back up then the suggestion that children in general, or my children in particular, shouldn't use their words and their voices to say the things that are important to them, out of some kind of warped notion of the deference they should pay to adults.

I'm not "up in my head."  I haven't given up.  I very much doubt that you have a simple step that will bring the spark of enjoyment back into our daily lives right now, or keep us from living with dread.  If you do, please contact my oncologist.  If I'm not SMILING while I parent, it may be because the chemotherapy agent that will hopefully prevent my cancer from metastasizing out of my lymph nodes has killed a large-ish number of cells in my gastrointestinal tract, making me fantastically uncomfortable.  I may be running a holding action with my kids while waiting for the nanny to get there and take over and my husband to come back from work to drive me to the emergency room.  I may be trying to figure out if I should be worried about the pain in my fingers, or the fact that I can't feel my toes.  It is possible that I just had to explain (again) to a three year-old that Mama can't help her do flips right now because the doctor says no lifting until the hematoma in the port site resolves, or that I just (again) walked a five year-old through his fears about mortality.  Or it might not be that complicated.  I might just be trying not to throw up. 

(And, for the record, this is treatable, curable, "you got lucky" cancer.  I'll get better.  Tons and tons of families have it way worse.)

[philomom]

Originally Posted by QueenOfTheMeadow 

Philomom-
I have removed your post, as I asked that the previous thread not be referenced only 2 posts above you.  This includes quoting posts that are about the previously removed thread.

I have also removed Honey693's post.  Again, just to make it clear, I've read both threads and posting in a manner that is a reference to (even if it's supposedly disquised) the other thread will be removed, infractions issued, and posting privledges to the thread removed. 

Sorry, I have tendency to skim the thread. I must have missed your request. My apologies.