December 2012 Rockstar Mamas

[MarineWife]

Welcome to the Rockstar Mamas thread! Our wonderful group of mamas started following each other in the Charting to Avoid thread over in fertility. Eventually we created "The Whatever Ladies!", a safe place for those of us who were not trying to prevent pregnancy, though not actively trying to conceive either. Spread out over a year, we all got pregnant and had our current babes- several whom are over a year old now!

We made the decision to switch to Rockstar Mamas, after a conversation about how each and every one of us was a Rockstar in some way, for living and thriving through the parenting challenges thrown our way every day. Feel free to join us in our thread, but be warned, the conversation moves fast!

Not really rules but something to consider if you join:

1. Need to be chatty

2. Know that we are all vastly different from one another but we've become friends so we respect those differences. We are vaxers and nonvaxers; homeschoolers, unschoolers, public schoolers; run the gamut from vegan to paleo; some of us want more kids, some don't, and some aren't sure...but we all manage to really get along and come together on things we DO agree on.

3. Aren't afraid to ask each other the hard questions or point out the obvious when/if we want advice!

Member List:

lyeterae ~ Baby boy born February 2011
annie ~ Baby girl born April 7, 2011
Barefootscientist ~ Baby boy born May 30, 2011
AnnieA (due 7/18) ~ Baby girl born July 17, 2011
MarineWife (due 7/30) ~ Baby boy born July 25, 2011
Baby_Cakes (due 8/16) ~ Baby boy born August 16, 2011
MovingMomma (due 8/9) ~ Baby girl born August 18, 2011
akind1 (due 9/28) ~ Baby girl born October 11, 2011
mom2one (due 10/23) ~ Baby boy born October 21, 2011
jeninejessica (due 12/01) ~ Baby girl born November 29, 2011
Kindermama (due 1/6) ~ Baby boy born January 1, 2012
Euromama

akind1 going around again ~ Baby BOY!! due 3/6/2013 but betting on 3/11 or 3/19

November thread: http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1367758/november-2012-rockstar-mamas

[onetwoten]

Lauri-- wow what an appt!! I can see how even just the appt would be stressful, without even the added worry of the results!

Me- four days of dry up sounds good!

Tenleys party today!! Tomorrow life returns to normal and ill have a bit of spare time again! The house looks good. She thinks the streamers and balloons are the greatest things ever.

[AnnieA]

I'm so glad you're doing a party! Ava's favorite part of her birthday party was all the balloons I blew up for her to play with!

Yes, MW, you can consider yourself safe after 4 dry days following fertile CF.

[onetwoten]

The party went great, as far as us hosting went. I feel like we threw a great party, though there were some doozies from the party guests which ill have to tell you all about later. The best one being told my nieces and nephews couldn't play in tr basement since drywall dust contains gluten....

But yes, wet well. We have soooo much food left!! Like 24/30 cupcakes left, and 25 cake pops! She got some great gifts, and nothing really stupid. And amazingly, the house is still pretty clean so now today feels like a "free" day, and were trying to decide what to do as a family. Maybe well e crazy and go shopping.

[MarineWife]

JJ ~ Glad you had a party and it went well.

I am now as sure as I can be without temps that I actually Oed. O on cd28 isn't too bad for me. I don't need to worry about whether or not I'm safe because there's no way any hanky panky is going to happen. My cramps are getting bad. I had to take ibuprofen so I could sleep last night.

[akind1]

MW: yay for o! but ugh on cramps. that just sucks.

JJ: glad you had a party and it went well! We also had a ton of food left over from Norah's party, oh well. The thing is, people brought food, and they want to leave it! and dude, take it home with you! oh well. And hooray for great presents.

Annie/Lauri - hope the appt goes well, that sounds like a stress bomb.

AFU: Saturday parade was not very fun Gabe enjoyed playing with the other kids more than watching the parade. Then spent the rest of the day with the ILs. meh. Sunday, church, cleaned out, including steaming the carpets, the car. it looks and smells so much better. then a night parade that my parents ride in, Gabe loved it. Norah was tired and cranky (she mostly slept through the parade saturday too) . This week isn't very exciting - should be getting in christmas presents to wrap. that's something. Next weekend is a wedding. I think the weekend after that is a "free" weekend, but in actuality will likely have birthday party that weekend, and I know there is one the week after, and then it's Christmas! Need to figure out when we are doing the lights at the zoo. I love the business of the season, but it's tiring too. Still better than being stuck at home all the time.

[Baby_Cakes]

Oh it's been a bit crazy but I've been reading along!

Still not sure I o'ed.  I stopped temping b/c it was making me insane and not telling me much.  Counting days and watching cm.  Still abundant and watery which for me is still potentially fertile.  MW - cramps are no good!  Will you take anything?  I always take advil.  I can't deal with them.

Kat - I'm with you!  Love the business but man is it hectic!

They do this thing close to me in warren NJ where this guy times his lights to music on a radio station.  You drive up and park and tune your radio and you watch the lights show.  We are doing that one night for sure!!!  

http://njmonthly.com/articles/lifestyle/where-lights-dance-to-the-music.html

https://www.facebook.com/ChristmasInWarren

Finn had a puke-athon yesterday out of nowhere.   I feel like tired and achey and chris has a headache.  Nora had a stomachache Sat night but we thought it was from too many cookies.  So we are probably all fighting it -- poor Finn got hit the hardest!  Puking for 7 hours!  No fun.  But he seems ok now, just HUNGRY.  

JJ - Yay I'm so glad you guys had a party!  How was R thru it?  Did he seem glad you all did it after wards?  I can't wait to see pictures!  I'm sure Ten had a blast! 

I'm going to try to find time to order gifts today.  I have a bunch picked out on a wish list on amazon for the kids.  I bought Chris some beer glasses and whiskey stones so he's done.  Need to get stuff for the inlaws -- no ideas even.  I usually do a gift card or wine or whiskey but I feel like picking out something special from the kids for grandma/grandpa.

[EuroMama]

JJ- I am glad the party went well!!! :-)

Stress is high here at the moment. 

On Wednesday we're going over to great-grandma's house to tell her she has to leave the only home she has known for years and years.

Her memory is getting really bad and she forgot where she was the other day. 

I offered to take her in here and take care of her, but my MIL is being a PITA about it. I took care of great-grandma when she broke her hip for a month here so I do know what all I will have on my plate. 

I come from a family where you don't just put someone in a home. We take care of our family. I guess not everyone lives like that, and that is ok I just wished my MIL's reasons were sincere from the heart and not because she knows great-grandma is leaving a big sum of money behind for her and she just doesn't want to deal with her.

She NEVER ever goes over to great-grandma to just visit with her. Great-granma goes months and months without seeing her daughter.

When great-grandma is here, MIL barely talks to her and when she does she is so short with her,

Now, great-grandma can be a PITA, but what older person isn't?

She sure as heck knew where to find great-grandma when she needed money for her divorce lawyer. Hmmmmm!!

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes 

MW - cramps are no good!  Will you take anything?  I always take advil.  I can't deal with them.

I take ibuprofen when they get really bad. I guess I've still got it stuck in my head that it's bad to take ibuprofen a lot because it can delay O. I learned that while TTC the first time. I was actually wondering the other day how I could get some stronger pain killers. I know people who get prescription meds for their cramps.

That light and music show sounds cool.

EM ~ A lot of people are like that, I guess. I talk to my dad periodically about coming to live with me when he can't live with himself. He refuses to even discuss it. He doesn't want to burden me. When my grandmother was told she needed to move into a nursing home but didn't want to, I told her she could come live with me. She refused, too. I think that side of my family is just very disconnected. Either that or there's something wrong with me that I don't know about.

DH and I got in a huge fight last night. I made him sleep in a different room. I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't apologize.

On that note, the book I mentioned before is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman, http://www.gottman.com/49862/558737/DVD-Workshop-Books--Lectures/Seven-Principles-for-Making-Marriage-Work.html.

[EuroMama]

Originally Posted by MarineWife 


I take ibuprofen when they get really bad. I guess I've still got it stuck in my head that it's bad to take ibuprofen a lot because it can delay O. I learned that while TTC the first time. I was actually wondering the other day how I could get some stronger pain killers. I know people who get prescription meds for their cramps.
That light and music show sounds cool.
EM ~ A lot of people are like that, I guess. I talk to my dad periodically about coming to live with me when he can't live with himself. He refuses to even discuss it. He doesn't want to burden me. When my grandmother was told she needed to move into a nursing home but didn't want to, I told her she could come live with me. She refused, too. I think that side of my family is just very disconnected. Either that or there's something wrong with me that I don't know about.
DH and I got in a huge fight last night. I made him sleep in a different room. I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't apologize.
On that note, the book I mentioned before is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman, http://www.gottman.com/49862/558737/DVD-Workshop-Books--Lectures/Seven-Principles-for-Making-Marriage-Work.html.

MW - I am so sorry you got into a big fight. :( I hope he apologizes for whatever it is he needs to apologize for! HUGS!!!!

I may have to read that book out of curiosity. Hubby and I don't really fight, we do get snippy with eachother though. lol

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by MarineWife 


DH and I got in a huge fight last night. I made him sleep in a different room. I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't apologize.

  SUCKS.  

Does your mind ever go to that place where you think about logically what divorce would entail?  I go there sometimes.  Scares me.

[AnnieA]

Originally Posted by MarineWife 


I take ibuprofen when they get really bad. I guess I've still got it stuck in my head that it's bad to take ibuprofen a lot because it can delay O. I learned that while TTC the first time. I was actually wondering the other day how I could get some stronger pain killers. I know people who get prescription meds for their cramps.
 

I have a prescription for a narcotic pain reliever for my cramps. It's bad.

Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes 

  SUCKS.  

Does your mind ever go to that place where you think about logically what divorce would entail?  I go there sometimes.  Scares me.

Sorry for everyone having relationship trouble. It stinks.

No one asked but here's my take on divorce after watching DH deal with his ex for the past 7 years. Short of physical abuse or homicide, I can't really come up with a good enough reason to get a divorce. It may make you or DH feel better in the short-term, to be rid of the "offending" person and not have to deal with their crap on a day to day basis but here's the dirty little secret regarding divorce and kids. You will never be rid of your former spouse. EVER. If you have procreated with them, and you want to maintain a relationship with your kids, you will have to deal with that person until one of you dies. So for me, I feel like it's my job to put on my big-girl panties and suck it up. I'm a grownup and like I said before, short of physical abuse or homicide, I can put up with plenty and avoid putting my kids through the trauma of a divorce. And if the reasoning is that you don't like how your spouse parents, getting a divorce doesn't take your spouse away from the children. In fact, if they are having trouble parenting your kids, getting a divorce is going to add to the stress making them even "worse" parents.

AFM, Ava hid my car keys this morning so we were stuck at home. I kept asking her where they were and she would point vaguely in the direction of her toys, mumble something and then go get in her kitchen cabinet. DH was the last one to have them so I was convinced he had lost them. He came home while we were taking a nap and found them somewhere in her toys. Little monkey!

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by AnnieA 

No one asked but here's my take on divorce after watching DH deal with his ex for the past 7 years. Short of physical abuse or homicide, I can't really come up with a good enough reason to get a divorce. It may make you or DH feel better in the short-term, to be rid of the "offending" person and not have to deal with their crap on a day to day basis but here's the dirty little secret regarding divorce and kids. You will never be rid of your former spouse. EVER. If you have procreated with them, and you want to maintain a relationship with your kids, you will have to deal with that person until one of you dies. So for me, I feel like it's my job to put on my big-girl panties and suck it up. I'm a grownup and like I said before, short of physical abuse or homicide, I can put up with plenty and avoid putting my kids through the trauma of a divorce. And if the reasoning is that you don't like how your spouse parents, getting a divorce doesn't take your spouse away from the children. In fact, if they are having trouble parenting your kids, getting a divorce is going to add to the stress making them even "worse" parents.

Sigh.  You're 100% right.  The logistics and the trauma to the kids.  And then the thought of someone else (should DH remarry) taking care of the kids.  I shudder.  

But sometimes I wonder if we both just deserve better.  Deserve to be loved the way we both need to be loved.  I wonder if it's possible for both of us to change, if we both even WANT to change.  It's so complicated.

Sigh.  We need help.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by AnnieA 

No one asked but here's my take on divorce after watching DH deal with his ex for the past 7 years. Short of physical abuse or homicide, I can't really come up with a good enough reason to get a divorce. It may make you or DH feel better in the short-term, to be rid of the "offending" person and not have to deal with their crap on a day to day basis but here's the dirty little secret regarding divorce and kids. You will never be rid of your former spouse. EVER. If you have procreated with them, and you want to maintain a relationship with your kids, you will have to deal with that person until one of you dies. So for me, I feel like it's my job to put on my big-girl panties and suck it up. I'm a grownup and like I said before, short of physical abuse or homicide, I can put up with plenty and avoid putting my kids through the trauma of a divorce. And if the reasoning is that you don't like how your spouse parents, getting a divorce doesn't take your spouse away from the children. In fact, if they are having trouble parenting your kids, getting a divorce is going to add to the stress making them even "worse" parents

This is all so true. I had to live through the divorce of my parents. It was horrible and they were relatively civil. There was no crazy fighting or meanness. I still felt like it was my fault and in the middle. As a child, that is a very bad thing.

Yes, I do think of divorce, but when I do, I remember all of that and decide I need to work through whatever it is. DH does not abuse me or the kids. He's not a horrible person. He's not mean or strung out on drugs or crazy. He has his issues just like I have mine. We made a commitment to each other to live with and work through all of that together. Part of that means that I need to confront him directly when he thoroughly screws up.

The short of the story is that he got angry that I wanted an entire day off and threw a fit. He got very angry, screaming at me to get the fuck away from him while he was going to take Dylan to work late last night. I was not about to let him take Dylan anywhere when he was angry like that. He eventually gave Dylan back to me and went to another room and stayed there. I don't know why he lost it like that. It did really scare me. I was afraid for a second there that he was going to hit me but I couldn't back down because he had my baby. He checked himself and didn't do anything completely out of control.

I texted him today and told him that he needed to start talking to someone about his anger and passive/aggressiveness or else he'd end up in jail and alone and would lose his precious Marine Corps career. No response but he came home tonight with a book entitled, "Letting Go of Anger" or something like that. He still hasn't spoken to me about anything but he has made an obvious point of making sure I see him reading that book.

I'm thinking of calling the Chaplain tomorrow and asking him to talk to dh. I am thinking I could say that dh seems really stressed about work and is sort of grumpy and disconnected and out of sorts at home and maybe the Chaplain could talk to him. That way the Chaplain doesn't know any details. It all sounds very normal.

[akind1]

When DH and I had first moved in with MIL she made comments - more than once - about how she hoped DH and I could make it through this financial storm we were going through. I looked and her, and said, HUH? At that point I had a small toddlr and a baby on the way, what in the world would leaving DH solve? the financial crap would be the same, if not worse, and besides, we love eacher and all that stuff. Not to mention, she and FIL have stayed married well beyond where they should. Could they work through their issues? sure. But neither of them want to, and they stopped wanting to, probably 15-20 years ago, if not more. They stayed together for DH - who though he had an "intact" family, still lived with the trauma of parents who are roomates and don't respect each other very much. we both hope that one day they will really separate and find separate happiness. Because, together, they're miserable.

Both my parents are children of divorce. It made my parents really want to work on their marriage and make it last.

In your case, MW - I'm glad you're trying to work on it/through it. It's a good sign that Sean is at least trying to go through the motions of doing something that might help, and a talk with the chaplain can't hurt.

You so deserve a whole day off! I hope you get it, and soon!

Annie/Lauri - Ava is such a ham! LOL

I didn't get much sleep last night - DH and I had to talk too, among other things. I am just a pregnant bundle of volatile emotions, and getting those under control is hard. I don't like being so emotional. Nothing really serious, just talking about how to make sure we are getting the connecting time in the bedroom we both want and need. Our communications just keep getting distorted and misread. Nothing says "I love you" like being told you look like a zombie after putting the kid to bed :rolleyes: I can't help that. I'd honestly go straight to bed, but I do want some grown up time, so I get my ice cream, my phone, and wake myself back up so I can get that. Need to find a way to get more sleep.

Carrie, JJ, EM, other Annie, and whoevr else I may be missing - hope you all are well!

[MarineWife]

I have never seen dh like that before. He totally lost it. I think Ryan was ready to jump in if he had to. He did take care of Dylan most of the day. I think he was frustrated because there were other things he wanted to do that he couldn't get done with Dylan at his feet.

He was such a laid back, happy-go-lucky person when we met. He goes on and on about all the things he "has" to do. I try talking to him about how he doesn't have to do any of it. He doesn't have to cook dinner after working all day. We will find something to eat. He chooses to follow a special diet that requires him making special meals. He doesn't have to try to do all the repairs on the home himself. I would much rather pay someone else to do it so that we could have more time together. He refuses to see that he is choosing to make his life more difficult.

I know he is stressed about work but I'm really not sure why. He doesn't get stressed about being in a combat zone but he gets stressed about being in an office pushing papers all day? He has to deal with a bunch stupid people, Marines getting DUIs and arrested for domestic violence, but I don't understand why that would stress him so much. It's not personal. He doesn't have any responsibility over what these people do on their free time. He has had to deal with a few deaths lately, the Marine killed on that parade float in Texas and then a Marine who was killed in a motorcycle accident. But, again, neither of those is personal since he didn't know either one, really. It seems that everyone at his work has a negative attitude and he has taken that on, too. I've talked to him about that, as well. Just because everyone else around him is negative doesn't mean he has to follow suit. He could make an effort to find and express the positive in whatever. That might even help change the feel of the entire office. He can't seem to grasp that concept, either.

Anyway, we talked a little last night. He did apologize without me really having to prompt him. He told me a little about what he read and learned from the book on anger. Hopefully, he'll continue. One thing I think he needs to learn to do is talk to me about whatever is going on, even just simply coming home and telling me what he did that day. He doesn't do that unless I press him and I have to go through a series of ridiculous questions before I finally get any real info out of him. I don't think he's purposely holding things back. I think he has shut himself down after being deployed so much and doesn't know how to have a normal conversation anymore.

[akind1]

I'm glad you talked. it sounds productive, or at least a step in the right direction.

I know, after dealing with people on the phone (workin in the call center) that even though these people are not really at all involved with you, have nothing to do with you personally, that dealing with their life stresses does still take a toll on you at the end of the day. I am pretty good at leaving work at work (even though I work from home, haha) But for some people, having some physical act to disconnect from work before coming home helps - like taking shower, going for a run, hanging up an actual work "hat" or scarf or jacket - might help Sean. I think military stuff is hard, because even when you aren't deployed, it's not exactly a 9-5 job, you know? (I know you know) And I'm not really even saying cut him some slack, but more maybe he needs to work on finding something to help him separate work life from home life.

As for finding it hard to talk to him about his day - I think my mom gave up trying, LOL. I never really did understand what my dad did at work. I know his MOS (2810) but what does that translate to as far as how a day is filled up? and so much of what he did would have been greek to us anyway - it's electronics and telephone jargon that we don't care to understand anyway. Does talking about the stuff he deals with - the deals, the DUIs - help him decompress? does he need to get that out? or is it not really helpful?

The Paleo diet, cooking, taking on household tasks, does he enjoy any of that?

I am trying to be more level headed today. it's tough. I hate being an emotional wreck. doesn't really help knowing that I can't help it, its hormones. ugh.

[Baby_Cakes]

MW -- chris is very, incredibly similar!  Especially with the work around the house.  Our last "discussion" was basically him telling me he feels so stressed out b/c of all the work that needs to get done on the house.  Quickly I made him itemize it.  He rattled on about finishing putting up the fence, finishing the breezeway, tiling the kitchen, painting, etc.  I said to him those are all things that need to get done, but if you don't want to do it, hire someone.  Hire somebody to put up the fence.  Hire someone to lay tile.  I said the same thing you did - they can do it in one day, and then it's done.  No more worrying/thinking/hemming/hawing, and we get to have you for that day.  He'll never hire anyone, he wants to do it himself.  But then you know how it'll be -- I'll have to take the kids out somewhere OR let Nora help.  And he'll complain that he can't get anything done with Nora helping.

So what is the alternative?  It never gets done and here we are, arguing about it again.

Just freaking hire somebody!

That's how I feel about cleaning the house.  I can never get it really clean b/c I'd rather spend time playing with the kids or going outside with them.  I really want to hire a cleaning service.  Even if they came 2 X per month it would make a HUGE difference, I know it.  We still keep going back and forth on that one, b/c I think we both feel weird about allowing someone else into our messy home.  

Anyway.

Got some shopping today.  SO many comments from people on wearing Finn on my back!  A couple of odd looks from moms carrying buckets.  I actually chatted with 2 about how much easier it is than having the bucket.  I name dropped a couple of brands (Boba, Ergo) in hopes that maybe they'll go buy a carrier!  LOL!  Oh - my Target is selling Ergos now!  I couldn't believe it!

Ok - gonna go grab food while I have a min!  BBL!

[akind1]

Carrie - I love the comments I get when wearing one of the kids (let alone both of them) - our babywearing group is finally part of babywearing international and we are on face book, and it's nice to have a group of people to point strangers to that can help trouble shoot, and we have the lending library too to let people try things out that can't be found in local stores. I think I need to stop using the SSC though, I think that's why my hips have been hurting so much. back to wrapping -which I love - I just have to admit the SSC is quicker.

[Baby_Cakes]

I'm eager to get out there with the babyhawk.  It's like the best of both worlds, especially since I'm not a huge fan of wrapping.  I love how it looks, I just don't have the patience myself past the newborn stage.  

Something cool - my DDC is doing a Holiday Helper  thing for mamas who don't have a ton this holiday season.  I picked up some cute jammies for one of the families and am going to pick up a few more things to send to some others.  I think it's wonderful to help families in need.  

I think I might be done shopping for the kids!  Hooray!

Oh - carseats.  Nora has at least 2 inches until her ears are at the top of the seat.  I checked the instruction manual and a bunch of sites online, and made her wiggle every which way so I could see how high her head is.  She's good to go for a bit longer!  Phew!