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December 2012 Rockstar Mamas - Page 14

post #261 of 380

Thanks ladies. I'm feeling calmer this morning. Still disappointed, but trying to look on the bright side. Overall we had good family time, and Tenley did well, so I'm focusing on that. 

 

Totally random, but she is seeming SO big lately. I put her down in the crib last night, and was floored at how big and long her body looked! Like such a child! 

Quote:
Originally Posted by akind1 View Post

Board books: if they are different than ones she had, can you cycle some of the less-loved ones out of your collection?

 

Electronic stuff you don't want: take it back to places that don't care about receipts. When family comes over and asks, you can just say you have put such and such up for later. You have small space and can't have all her toys out at once. (If you don't feel like being honest)

 

Age-inappropriate puzzles. Either sell, donate, or put up for later.

 

Do either of your siblilngs have kids? I ask, because it's possible that your parents' budget for gifts is like X dollars per kid, and they include you, DH (Do they get him anything?) and Tenley in that budget. Not really X for you, X for brother, X for sister, than a separate budget for grandbaby. I use the word "budget" loosely. It's Christmas. Most people don't really "budget"

 

All that said, it is frustrating when people don't hear what you want. Thankfully, MIL pummelled into her relatives that we do NOT need more stuff. With kids as close in age as ours, all toys are shared anyway - they got $$ and books. MIL gave us money to go shopping, so we had control over what she bought the kids. DH's grandma (who has the most HORRENDOUS taste in toys) got a baby doll and a couple trucks for the kids, and also $$. I say bad taste, because the toys she has at her house are two plastic, crazy loud, obnoxious guitars. One is branded by the wiggles, the other is generic.  And she asked if we want to take them home. HECK NO. They stay here.

 

My parents got the kids decent stuff. It's plastic. Some of it makes noise. But all of it stays with them, so I don't care as much, LOL. (they'll see it almost every day, but it won't be cluttering up our space, and they get to buy batteries!)

 

OH - that Violet snuggly thing - Gabe has the boy version and LOVED it. (it got lost in a move) - it's not very annoying, and has a timer. He loved snuggling with it, and it DID make his crib time easier. For the brief time he was in a crib at all (10-19 months, off and on) I don't know if Tenley will love it as much, but you just never know.

 

Gabe likes Norah's dolls she got for Christmas as much, if not more, than she does. I need to buy another doll stroller. Norah wants to ride in it. LOL.

 

Thankfully, other than the holiday being rushed, we had little family drama. My sister and her DH came down for Christmas Eve dinner and presents. They didn't get here until about 8 pm, which means we were eating insanely late, Norah was soooo tired, present opening after - I think they were up until nearly 11. Sis and her DH left by 10 Christmas Day, shortly after we left to do Christmas with the ILs. Short visit.

 

In other news: 30 weeks today! single digit countdown starts next week! woot! I'm gassy and feel huge, but you know, it's all good. In the home stretch, and I know it won't last forever, and I'll have a new nursling at the breast in just a couple months. I can't believe how much I miss it. I think it's partly bc I have so many friends now nursing babies and toddlers, and I want to join in! oh well.

 

Hope everyone had a merry, merry Christmas and can enjoy the last week of the year.

Board books we have been picking and choosing, and finding the ones we enjoy the most, putting some up for storage and donating the rest. It's just disappointing to know that that's money she could have spent on something else that wouldn't require us to throw out an existing book we already have/enjoy, kwim? It would be different if these were from relatives who didn't know how many books we had, but she does know, so it's kind of like ummmm? Really? 

 

We were talking about the electronics this morning, and I think we're going to do like you said and return them for store credit at toys r us. We'll keep the bilingual doll, but take back the peek a shoe octopus and the snuggly pal. The books and stuffies and puzzles and things are no biggie, we'll keep those and then rehome them in a few months. But I just can't bring myself to open the boxes on the leapfrog stuff knowing I could take it back today and get $35 towards other toys, or open them and then get like $5 in a few months. 

 

My siblings don't have kids yet, so that would in theory make sense for my mom and dad-- except that this pattern of them spending substantially less on me than on my other siblings, has been going on for close to ten years. Some years it's been as bad as my siblings getting like $250 worth of stuff, and me opening $60 worth of stuff that wasn't even on my list and doesn't suit me at all. I've almost gotten used to it. So yeah-- this year was a bonus that at least it was all stuff I wanted! 

 

DH's siblings, two of the three have kids, AND his parents don't do gifts for us either. But with them it was a how much spent issue, just more... lack of attention to what was on our list. 

 

30 weeks is crazy! At first it seemed like your pregnancy was going so slow, and now it seems to have sped up (for me anyways! lol) Wathcing vicariously is hard! haha  I'm glad your kids got some good toys, and even better if you can get away with leaving the lesser fantastic stuff at the grandparents space!

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes View Post

Oh JJ!  I so feel for you, especially the part about how other ppl seem to act like we are depriving our kids by not getting them the flashy stuff.  A lot of it I've let go (and not saying you should, just offering perspective) b/c by NOT allowing the kids to play or see flashy stuff, they actually started to want it.  The few toys we have (that were gifts) that aren't open ended and use batteries, etc, often get tossed aside after a short while.  OR they end up LOVING them when I thought it was the dumbest thing ever.  And don't get me started on the Princess thing.  I wasn't going to even let Nora know princesses exist but I'm too much into Disney myself, and she LOVES those princesses!  I also just had to spin it so it was more acceptable to my values.  If you ask her what a princess is she'll say they are fair and kind.

 

I'm of the belief that once a gift is given it's yours to do whatever with.  Walmart takes returns w/o receipts, just saying.  winky.gif

 

My MIL got me wine pants.  She knows me so well!  AND I got a TON of wine and a giftcard for a liquor store AND a Limoncello gift set!  Oh and this cool thing! A Corkcicle

 

No I totally get it. And I mean we did get plastic toys, and things that make some noise-- she LOVES her Little People house and farm, and that's something I wasn't excited about, but I knew she'd enjoy. And the leapfrog picnic basket is a hit too. It's just that I'm ok with one or two of those items, not, thenm being the bulk of the gifts and now overrunning the other toys too, kwim? 

 

Sounds like you did great with gifts! And I love the pants!! They're perfect!!

 

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by akind1 View Post

Princesses . . . ugh. I am cool with the idea that princesses exist - they do - But not so much the disney version. My kids haven't even seen a disney princess movie. (not purposefully avoiding it, but since my first was a boy . . . it just hasn't seemed necessary) Norah has a couple outfits that say "snow princess" or just "princess" on it, and that's ok. Not ideal, but I mean, who wouldn't want to fantasize about being a princess? Nothing wrong with pretend play - the disney princesses  . . . I loved them as a kid, but I really don't like how it's become an obsession for so many moms/daughters that I know. EVERYTHING is princess. I'm sure there must be other intrests, but all you see on clothes and toys, and everything is princess-themed that is just out of hand. IMHO.

 

Carrie: glad you got things you wanted! and some surprises! My mom got me this retro kitchen stool that I've mentioned that I wanted. My Grandma had one, and it was always my "helper" stool, and my seat at her table (it's a red vinyl seat/step stool)

 

I don't have a problem with princesses per se. I love dressup, I'm totally a stereotypical girly girl that way. But I'm with you Kat, I like it in moderation, not when it becomes the be all and end all-- which is what my nieces are like, so I think they just assume Tenley should go the same way. I don't mind her loving princesses, but not when it means she won't play with anything else. I don't see that happening with Nora it doesn't seem like-- she still has varied interests. 

 
That's such a cool gift!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes View Post

Maybe it's b/c I really love WDW and am really into Disney stuff myself, but I LOVE the dresses.  The other stuff not so much -- like you're saying I try to avoid all the gratuitous princess marketing, b/c they plaster them on EVERYTHING.  But I love the dress up dresses, and I don't mind a few coloring books to give her some thing to play with with characters she knows and likes.  In moderation it's actually really fun to see her imagination take off with it.  And honestly she got the bow and arrow  from Brave and she hasn't put it down all day.  If she's into archery now, cool, you know?  It intro'd her to something I never would have though of!  (and, cuteness factor, she calls it a "shoot and arrow"!)

Yes, this! Everything in moderation. 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by akind1 View Post

400

I love your bump! It looks so much bigger than last time! Do you like that, or is it weird? Or maybe it's just the picture?! Anyways, I love it. I miss my bump. 

 

 

So... Tenley was up alllll night long last night. Totally jinxed myself. I think the good sleep has been because she's fnially started walking so she's kind of resting in between developmental milestones. But she's also teething pretty hardcore right now, so it makes sense that she's going to have good nights and bad nights. 

 

Other good things-- DH and I opted out of his family's gift excahgne this year in favor of spending the money on ourselves-- $80-100 each. I haven't gotten anything for him yet because he wanted to wait and see what he was getting from others. He bought me the Lug bag I've been wanting for months. And then I've got about $35-40 left to spend too. I can't decide what else to get. A lot of the stuff on my list is house related, so I probably will just pick it up next time we go grocery shopping lol. But I also wanted some new nail polish, and a few tank tops. Little things like that. 

 

Back to work today after 4 days off. Will be weeeiirdd! I'm so tired after last night, even though I managed to catch up on my sleep over the past few days. 

 

 

Hope everyone has some good down time for the rest of the week now!

post #262 of 380

I do feel bigger than last time. I don't know if it's just because I'm carrying differently, or what. It could be because my belly is more baby than it has been (since I started this pregnancy at a lower weight than the others) - but I do really feel that this baby *is* bigger. IDK we'll find out! and obviously, 3rd baby means obviously a uterus that's been stretched before, so you tend to expand faster.

 

I have a feeling that these last few weeks will kind of go like a  . . waltz? . . quick, quick, sloooow, quick, quick, sloooow (or whatever dance it is that the feet movements are like that)

 

I'm glad you're at peace with a decision.

 

We are trying to decide what to spend our cash on. Some will go towards immediate expenses, so that when others roll around, we will have spare $$ to spend on that stuff. I need to list a few wraps for sale. I'm bored with my stash, LOL. I think I'll list everything that isn't a definite "for keeps" Which means 3 of my 5 wraps will be on the chopping block. There is one more, I might list for super cheap as a dye possiblty for someone. I'm tired of looking at it, and not sure I want to take on the project myself.

post #263 of 380
Thread Starter 
jj ~ my in-laws frustrate me like that. they always ask us what the boys want. i always send them a very specific list with links to the actual thing desired. they still send crap that no one wants or needs. I put a set of natural wooden drums on the list for Dylan. My FIL got him a plastic, electronic "educational" drum set that has preset programs in it. Ugh! I'm not totally against plastic, electronic, noise making toys but if I specifically ask from something else, why would get that instead? I mean, if I had just said drums for Dylan, fine. But I didn't. I went to Toys R Us and wanded a specific drum set onto his with list. He didn't get anything for Dylan from the actual wish list. He also got Kellen 3 sets of clothes. That boys has so many clothes he can't possibly wear them all. Meanwhile, Ethan doesn't have enough. I've told everyone to buy clothes for the oldest boy because everything trickles down so the younger boys have way too much. Plus, the clothes he bought are a size too big for Kellen so they can't even be used for another year but they'll probably be too small next winter. lol.gif

The other thing he does is buy things from the wish lists but at a different store (Wal-Mart instead of TRU) so they don't get taken off the wish list. He doesn't call or email to tell anyone what he got so we can't take it off the lists and/or inform everyone else that this thing was already bought. So, I got the book, Peaceful Parenting, Happy Kids, from my FIL and my mom because my FIL didn't either buy from my Amazon wish list or check the wish list before buying or inform Sean that he bought it.

Anyone want the book? winky.gif

I would return or donate anything you don't want. I'm with Carrie. Once the gift is given, it's yours to do with whatever you want. I'm also a bit snarky in that I would make it known that I gave away or returned the gifts I didn't want or need. I would hope that the givers would get the message that this was a waste of money. Next time I'd appreciate either getting something truly useful or wanted or nothing at all.

As to being angry at the gift givers, it may be that they just had no idea what to get. IDK Some people seem to have a really hard time with seeing the value in things that are not mainstream. shrug.gif

We're having tornado warnings and Sean and I supposed to go on a date some time today while my mom is here. I hope the weather gets better. Even if there is no tornado, it's still very rainy and windy. We want to go to the new Indian restaurant. Yum! I haven't had good Indian food in a loooong time.

Forgot to say, Sean got me a Kindle Fire!

Oh, you want to talk about electronics overload?! We now have a desktop computer, a laptop, a Kindle Fire e-reader/tablet, a smartphone, a Nook e-reader, a Wii, two XBox 360s and soon-to-be two Playstation 3s. lol.gif We've had a Wii (that no one really likes) and a PS3 that one of Sean's friends gave us to give to the boys 2 Christmases ago. My mom got the boys an XBox 360 Kinect, Trish got an XBox 360 from her parents and she bought a PS3 for Ryan. Now, if anyone ever says they don't have anywhere to play a game, I think I'll scream. lol.gif

Oh, and Ryan gave Ethan his old iPod Touch. Ethan was so happy about that. He has wanted one for so long. He loves it. He spent the rest of the day snapping pictures and listening to music. smile.gif
post #264 of 380

MW-- Exactly!! I created a pinterest wishlist, so it not only has a lengthy description AND and picture, but it also tells you exactly where to get it. It was so laid out easy for people! lol

 

 

We've tried playing with the Lily doll. Tenley just stares wide-eyed at it. We'll keep trying. It's funny, all these new toys for Christmas, and other than the farm set, and the cabbage patch baby, she doesn't really seem attached to any of them. She's wandering around right now with a wooden recorder. Typical! lol

 

I saw that about Ethan and the ipod. Too sweet! 

 

We got a Wii from my parents (like hand me down, because they don't use it, not a gift). It's primarily just to be able ot use netflix on the tv now, but I'm also keeping an eye out for cheap, interesting looking games. Anyone have suggestions for good, easy games? Mostly for DH and I to play together. 

post #265 of 380

Our favorites were MarioKart and Carnival Games. We don't play ours either, anymore. I like it, it's just not something that occurs to us to do anymore.

 

BTW: JJ - your family pics turned out AWESOME!

 

Norah likes her doll stroller. (to try to ride in) and likes the dolls, because they are cuddly and came with pacifiers, which she has enjoyed trying out. Gabe LOVES his dinosaur. LOVES.

post #266 of 380

My family is pretty good about presents for the kids. They ask what's on their list and follow it. Because of all the hand-me-down toys that Ava gets from my nieces and big siblings, my sister is getting us a year membership to the local children's museum as our family present. My mom got the big kids a board game to share and cash. She's getting Ava that Leapfrog Picnic basket like Tenley got and a Thomas the Train bath toy. I'm kind of meh about plastic and electronic toys. Ava loves certain ones and could care less about the other ones. She loves to make things play music and stands up to dance to it. Since we were trying to encourage physical movement for so long, I was totally ok with those types of toys if it encouraged her to move. I'm usually not a fan of clothing with characters on it but character toys, I don't usually have a problem with. She got a Thomas train and a Charlie train. She also got a stuffed Elmo and a Thomas the Train case with stickers that she's been playing with since yesterday. She liked the shopping cart at first but then got pissed when she couldn't get in it so she's ignored it since then. My dad sent her a $50 giftcard to Target so we'll pick out some stuff there. And one of her aunts gave her $20 cash so I may add that to the Target card and find something fun for her there.

 

Christmas was ok. DH got mad at me and spent most of the day not talking to me. Whatevs. He makes poor choices and then gets pissed. I can't help him with that. He did help out a lot on Christmas Eve so that's good. We had a pretty low-key Christmas. I spent, collectively on all five kids, about $250. Not too bad. They each got two Santa presents and two presents from DH and I. DH and I did not exchange presents this year. The big kids made us gift certificates as our present which I thought was very thoughtful and clever. DSD 15 and DSS 12 went to my MIL's assisted living facility after breakfast Christmas morning and sang carols for the residents. They loved it and my MIL was happy to see them. Ava is so tired that she took a short nap Christmas morning, a nice long nap yesterday afternoon and I woke her up at 9 AM this morning. I'm almost done with my 12 hr work day and I miss her so much! I didn't really get to see her at all today.

 

akind1, 30 weeks is awesome! Definitely in the countdown phase!

 

Disney World...I can't wait to take Ava. I'd love to be able to go before she turns 3 so she would still be free. My mom really wants to go with us and I'd love to be able to time it so my sister and her family goes as well. I think it would be more fun.

 

MW, how do you like the Kindle Fire?

post #267 of 380
Thread Starter 
Kat ~ 30 weeks! Wow, where did the time go? That's a little more than a bump. winky.gif So cute!

Annie ~ I never did get around to answering you about your dh working on Christmas Eve. I would tell him not to do it. For someone who's not good with spending time with kids, he sure did make a lot of them. pinktongue.gif I'm glad he did help out on the eve. Sorry he wasn't so great on the day.

JJ ~ I don't play video games at all so I have no idea what games are good or easy or boring or whatever. I can only tell you what my boys like, which are probably not what you are looking for. Kellen likes pretty much all of the Lego games for Batman, Indiana Jones, Star Wars and Harry Potter. Ethan likes games that are way too mature for him. Ryan likes Call of Duty Black Ops, Assasin's Creed, Halo, Battlefield.

I am not a fan of Disney at all. I avoid it for myself at all cost. I don't ban it from the kids, though. If they like anything Disney, that's fine. I wouldn't choose to go to Disney World ever, but if the kids really wanted to go, I guess I'd take them.

We had so much for Christmas. I don't know how that happened. We got Ryan that Pittsburgh Steelers coat that a posted a pic of on FB. He absolutely loved it and was shocked that we bought it. It was pretty expensive. But it was something he really wanted and he has matured and become so much more helpful and respectful in the past year (since he's been with Trish maybe), that I really felt like giving him something special. The boys got the XBox 360 Kinect and a couple of games for that. Ethan was most excited about that and the iPod Touch. Kellen said that everything he opened except the clothes was the thing he had always wanted. love.gif They both got Heelys and bikes. The only thing really fun that Dylan got was a toddler trampoline.

I got Sean a bunch of grilling stuff, a thermometer, a set of dishes to hold raw and then cooked meats, meat claws (for shredding my pulled pork) and variety of smoking wood. He got me the Kindle Fire, a fabric shaver (my mom got me the exact same one lol.gif), and a love coupon book winky.gif. I haven't done much with the Kindle yet. I'm still setting it up. The boys got me necklaces and Dylan got me purple and orange nail polish, my two favorite colors. smile.gif Ryan and Trish got me a nice bag (because Trish said she knew how much I hated plastic bags and waste) filled with a Scentsy-like wax warmer and some scented waxes and some soft, fluffy orange and pink socks. We got Trish a robe (because I've seen her dashing out of the bathroom into the bedroom wrapped in a towel too many times), a couple pairs of jeans and some nail polish and lip gloss. Oh, and some Victoria's secret scented body wash, lotion and spray. I'm sure there's a lot more that I'm leaving out.

Sean and I went out for Indian. It was good. Sean said it was nice to be able to sit and talk without being constantly interrupted and/or saying, "Stop that," "Be quiet," "Get down!" lol.gif
post #268 of 380

MW: glad you got to go out for Indian! that's awesome! And it sounds like you had a room full of presents to open - that everyone loved.

 

Annie - I like keeping Christmas low key - at this age the only big gift we could even think of was an aquarium, and we had our doubts about whether or not that was a good idea. I'd love to keep it that way or do something else fun - in the future, even when/if we have more money to spend. We'll see.

 

It seems like everyone I know that can get pregnant, is getting pregnant LOL 2013 is going to be a very busy baby year! Our local VBAC options are becoming more limited. The practice and hospital I am with is the most supportive of the local options, and that's not saying much. Friends that are going there have gotten a list of "musts" they have to comply with in order to try for TOL (these are VBAC mamas) On one hand, one mama - who had VBA2C with this practice 18 months ago or so - appreciates them being up front with her about their practices so she's not blindsided later. OTOH, its discouraging others.

 

 

its frustrating enough that less than 10% even try to VBAC. but 85% of those suceed! ugh.

 

Norah is sick. low fever and only wants to drink and snuggle.

post #269 of 380

Aw, sorry Norah is sick!  Hopefully it's a short and not to serious bug!

That is frustrating about the VBAC options - but at least there are any.  I know so many first time moms who had sections, for whatever reason, and I always sort of mourn that for them b/c it IS such a battle to get a TOL the next time.  

But my gf who was told it was virtually impossible for her to try now b/c she's had 2 sections is still open to a TOL next time.  And 2 months ago when she had her baby she said she didn't care, she would just have a section again and save herself the worry.  But now, she's changed her tune.  I jokingly said if she wants to home birth I'd be her doula. ;-)  But it's tongue in cheek b/c there are NO hb mws in my state that I know of who will do a HBA2C.  

 

MW - awesome for a night out!  Sounds wonderful!

 

Going to try to get thru this day!  Yesterday was epic and hard.  Lots of tears, mine and Nora's.  Hoping for a better day!

post #270 of 380

No local HB midwives will do HBACs here either. And the nearest birth center option is well over an hour away (they have to have an OB on staff in order to accept out of hospital VBACs). There is a wonderful hospital in that area too, that's very natural birth friendly. I am just not willing to travel that far for prenatals and delivery.

 

I had a good hospital VBAC with Norah, and while I'd LOVE a waterbirth in a birth center or at home, I am resigned to another hospital birth - it's ok. Not all births have to be ideal - I've come to grips with the fact that it's only a small part of my relationship with my child, and a healthy babe and mom is really the thing of paramount importance. But I think that women should have the right to CHOOSE where to birth, and have supportive care providers (so long as they really aren't making stupid choices that put them or their babies in danger. I do believe in the expertise of midwives and in some cases that warrant it, OBs) It's just beyond frustrating - especially when the parent organization - ACOG - is on the side of the mothers wanting a TOL. oh well.

 

I don't think it's major - Norah's fever is right at 100 or so, not near high enough to be worth medicating, but enough to make her just want to sleep through it. I wonder if she's got a sore throat, since she's not wanting to eat much. She had a piece of cheese. but refused her banana and chex. Fluids are the main thing - I'm just used to my little piggie wanting to eat!

post #271 of 380

Exactly, I'm with you.  I don't like when a mama doesn't have a choice or gets steamrolled or misinformed.  

When I wasn't sure if I'd be allowed to homebirth with Finn, I was broken hearted, but I knew it would be ok if that's where we ended up.  

 

Finn won't touch bananas when he's sick and they are his go to food.  I think the texture turns him off when he can't quite breathe thru his nose.  

 

I need to find some indoor play areas for these kids.  Where do you guys go when it's too cold for outside play but everyone is going stir crazy?

post #272 of 380

Our mall has a toddler play area (But it gets crazy in yucky weather since it's free) - we also have memberships to the local museums that have kids areas for precisely this purpose - Both the kids museum and the state museum that has a few toddler and kid oriented areas. There are some indoor bounce house type places, but we avoid those on rainy days.

 

I like long weekends, but getting caught up on work sucks.

post #273 of 380
Thread Starter 
I've said it before and I'll say it again, Mamas always have choices. You can refuse major surgery. A hospital staff cannot turn you away in labor because you refuse major surgery unless they can send to another hospital that will admit you and you have time to get there. A doctor cannot refuse to see you for prenatals because you refuse to do everything they tell you unless they can refer you to another doctor who will see you. It's illegal for them to do it. I would fight because that's the only way things will ever change for anyone. If everyone just rolls over and goes along while whining and crying about it to everyone else, they are not really any better than the doctors insisting on these things. Sorry. That's harsh, I know, but people, in general, and women, specifically, have always had to fight for their personal rights and we need to continue to do that. If you are not willing to stand up for what you want and need and what is your right to have, then don't cry when you don't get it. :soap

In that situation, I'd have an unassisted homebirth. I would probably continue to see an OB or medwife for any labwork and tests and an ultrasound to make sure there weren't issues with the placenta and then I'd just quit going at 36 weeks. You can always go to the hospital at the end if you change your mind. Hospitals get women whom no one has ever seen before all the time. I would travel as far as was possible. I drove 50-60 minutes for my prenatals with my midwives. It was absolutely worth it. You DO have options.

AFM, I got in an argument with my mom and yelled at her, "F you! You can get the F out of my house!" That was yesterday. She's still here. eyesroll.gif I guess she can't take a hint? lol.gif

Sean and I got into a big discussion Christmas night. I probably shouldn't have started talking but I had taken a muscle relaxer and my mouth just started running over. lol.gif The gist was that both of us are hurt by and angry with each other because we feel like the other doesn't care and isn't supportive of us. The end was me saying that I thought we had two choices. We could either try to change how we feel about each other (because I don't want to spend the rest of my life in an angry marriage) or we can split up. (I told him I was thinking of going back with my mother when she left but I think that option has been squashed by my angry mouth. See above. lol.gif) He agreed. I told him that I did not want him to agree but do nothing because he is expecting me to take care of it all. If he wants things to change, he needs to do something about it. He needs to stop using work as an excuse for why he can't participate in this or that. If his family is the most important thing, then he should be willing to do whatever it takes to save his family, even if it means losing his job. If he's not willing to do that, he may end up with alone with only his job.

So, the next day he dressed Dylan in his, "Breastmilk: The original Happy Meal" shirt. It was a nice gesture but we weren't taking him out anywhere. I reserve my advocacy shirts for when we go out because that's the point. If he only wears them at home, it's just preaching to the choir. winky.gif

This is long so I'll stop for now. If I have time and I remember, I'll come back and post more specifics about what I said so I can get your opinion on whether or not I'm being too sensitive or wacky about it. It's kind of hard for me to tell right now since I've recently gone off my antidepressant meds and have been talking muscle relaxers. lol.gif
post #274 of 380

MW: it's not that I disagree with you entirely - women do have options. I HATE that they have to fight so hard for something that even stupid ACOG says is ok. Evidently the practice I go to has started handing out contracts with some blatant illegal language - include refusal to treat crap - But many of the things the "contract" states are actually far better compromises than any other local area OB (or CNMs for that matter). My doula is considering sicing the ACLU on them, LOL. It's how she got them to allow another VBA2C mama a chance at a TOL (which ended in an emergency c-section due to placental abruption - which is possible in anyone, nothing to do with her prior c-sections).

 

As for me, so far I've met no resistance - I think mostly due to already having a successful VBAC - so I'll continue to see them. And I'm glad in a way about the contract - it gets issues out on the table early so women know what they are up against and have time to try to find another provider before a bait and switch at 30+ weeks. I wouldn't mind traveling so much for prenatals. I do mind, ALOT, traveling while in labor. At that point, you almost might as well UC - if you are looking at traveling over an hour just to get where you're going. It's a bit different in a homebirth where at least you know the midwife is coming to YOU.

 

It's good that you and Sean talked - it's progress, one way or another. even if doped up on muscle relaxers. LOL

post #275 of 380

The choice can be REALLY hard to make when your dr basically tells you flat out, you're going to die and your baby is going to die, but do what you want.  It's horrible that they have this attitude.  I think a lot of women give UP the fight b/c they feel like they can't take that risk.  Of course if they feel strongly enough they will fight for it, b/c they know how small the chances are. But I think at times even the strongest women cave when faced with an ultimatum like that.  You know?

 

Mw - conversations are always good, even when we don't get far.  I'm looking fwd to hearing more about this convo you had.  I want specifics!  Did he mention anything he would do differently?  What will you do differently?

post #276 of 380

I suddenly have another minute so I'll share what we've learned and are doing.  Since realizing our love languages, I'm much more tolerant and aware of chris's acts of service.  I'm no longer bitchy (at least outwardly) when he decides to spot clean something for a long time, or wash the car, or cook an elaborate meal.  These things really used to bug the crap out of me!  And on some level they do but I'm trying hard to be more open minded and see what he is doing for me/us rather than only see these as selfish acts.

He is much more understanding about my wanting gifts.  And light bulbs keep going off for him -- like when he realized why I would ask him to pick up a bagel for me on the way home from the gym in the morning (he would be so grumpy b/c he had planned to make pancakes, for instance).  He is trying hard to not see these things as trivial b/c to me they are so important.

post #277 of 380

Carrie: hooray for lightbulb moments! and mmm bagels. I get one a week, LOL.

 

Norah is just a barnacle of a sleeping baby. She did eat some pizza for lunch, and she's drinking. I think maybe it's just a bad cold combined with teething. clear snot, a little cough. Gabe is coughing some, but in fantastic spirits, so I am not worried about him so much.

 

BH are picking up. I don't enjoy them very much. They are just annoying. I know they have a purpose. I'm trying to focus on the positives of pregnancy, but I've reached the point in pregnancy where it's just hard. I hurt. my hips ache. I have a deep ache/pain/discomfort when I sit or lay down too long in the general crotch area. I'm uncomfortable in so many positions, and no position is comfortable for long. And I have nearly 3 months yet to go! wahhhhhh. I could have it so much worse! I have friends that DO! so I try to look on the bright side. *sigh* this is the last baby and I want to enjoy this pregnancy. like treasure and bask in it, but it's hard sometimes.

post #278 of 380
Thread Starter 
exactly what do you imagine that makes it an actual fight? i mean, all anyone has to do is refuse whatever it is. refuse to sign the paperwork. if they then say they can't see you, you just calmly remind them that they can't legally do that unless they can refer you to another provider who will see you. that's not a fight. they aren't going to grab you and try to forcibly strap youi to an operating table while you are kicking and hitting and biting to get away. that would be a fight.

as far as docs using scare tactics, yes, you do have to be able to stand up to that, but all you have to do is state that you disagree and are willing to take full responsibility for yourself and your baby. you should be doing that already. if you want to be more argumentative, you can request actual scientific data to back up their statements. if they continue to bother you, you can leave. i guess my point is that it's only as much of a fight as you choose to make it. the doctor can say whatever s/he wants. you can choose how you react to it. "Whatever. That's interesting. I'll take that under advisement. I'm still not consenting to major surgery without an immediate, urgent personal issue specific to me and my baby. Thank you."

If a woman chooses to go along with the doctor for whatever reason rather than standing up for what she wants or needs, then she needs to accept that choice. If she isn't happy with that choice, make a different one. Do something but don't just complain about it. I don't know. I guess I just don't understand why it's perceived as so difficult. I've dealt with some nasty doctors. They pissed me off. That made me more determined to do things my way rather than theirs. If a woman doesn't have the confidence to stand up for what she believes, maybe she needs to work on that.
post #279 of 380
Thread Starter 
The conversation with DH was mainly me telling him that I felt like he not only didn't care about but actually had disdain for all the things that are important to me, like home birth and exclusive and extended breastfeeding and gentle discipline and attachment parenting and unschooling. He said he feels like I don't support him in his career and that I don't keep the house clean enough.

The Ball situation is a good example of that. He was hurt and angry that I didn't go but he would not acknowledge everything I did to try to find suitable child care. He is stuck on the fact that I was honest and told him that I didn't really want to go. Isn't that showing support if I say I will go if we can set things up even though I don't want to? I didn't go because it was too far away for too long for me to leave a nursing baby, not because I just didn't want to. He refuses to understand that.

I am bothered by the fact that he felt the need to lie to everyone about why I didn't go, especially in front of Ethan. It makes me feel like he's ashamed and embarrassed by me. Otherwise, why would he tell them truth? He said he lied because that's just easier for him than having to explain and defend my parenting choices. I don't understand why he'd feel the need to do that. He says the people he works with and for would not understand why I'm still breastfeeding so they wouldn't take that as an acceptable reason to not come to the Ball. Then that would reflect poorly on his evaluations. Ok, I can understand that being a concern for him but, ultimately, if he truly thinks his family is the most important thing, then he shouldn't put that above us being happy and staying together. Iif he's going to hold a grudge against me for that, he is choosing his work over me and over his family.

I'm also hurt that he doesn't do little things like dress Dylan in the advocacy shirts that I bought for him or in the pants I knit for him. He seems to be embarrassed by all of that. He says we don't need to advertise. To me, that's a big part of the point. That's what advocacy is. It's not like I'm standing on the street corner with a bull horn shouting at everyone to accept Jesus into their hearts or they will go to hell. lol.gif I'm putting a shirt on my baby that says, "Born at Home" or something about breastfeeding or being intact. I don't talk to anyone about any of that unless they ask. I feel that if he really appreciates all of that that I do for our children and values it and supports it, he wouldn't be embarrassed by it and want to hide it from the people he works with. He's back me up instead of covering me up.

I told him that would be like me being friends with a bunch of anti-military people and telling him not to tell them he's a Marine. I asked him if that wouldn't bother him. He said it wouldn't. If those were the type of people I chose to be friends with, he'd be fine with that. Really? I find that hard to believe. I would not be ok with him being friends with people that I couldn't be around.

Then the thing about keeping the house clean. I told him I am not the maid or housekeeper. I am home to take care of our children, to pay attention to them, spend time with them, do things with them, feed them, all that sort of thing. Apparently, he doesn't value that much. He values a clean house over loved children. shrug.gif I do clean every day but he doesn't seem to notice. I sweep and pick up toys and do laundry and wipe off counters and do dishes but I'm a morning cleaner. By the end of the day when he gets home, I've already done that umpteen times and am tired and not doing much more until the next morning.

I really don't see anyway we can get past this without counseling. I told him that. That was the part I said he needed to do something about and not just expect me to take care of it all. Whenever I try to schedule anything he says he'll try to get out of work but can't guarantee that he will be able to. I said he needs to do whatever he has to do so that he can guarantee it. Otherwise, he is again choosing work over his family. And, yes, the extreme consequence of that could be that he loses his job but it is just a job. It's a means to an ends, getting paid so we can buy things. There are other jobs. If he truly values his family over his work, he would be willing to make that sacrifice if needed.
post #280 of 380

MW, do you think that he has true disdain for gentle parenting, home birth, no circ, etc. or does he just not feel that it's his fight to fight? I know that my DH agrees with me on most of that stuff but he doesn't feel passionately one way or the other about them so doesn't feel the need to defend them. He does feel strongly about patent infringements and copyright issues and I don't care either way. He does talk about that stuff. Is it kind of like that?

 

Medical care stuff and refusing treatment/care. My only concern with those things is that if you refuse a treatment course or surgery, can your insurance refuse to cover the charges incurred for the alternate path taken? I know that when people have left the hospital AMA that their insurance could/did refuse to cover the charges. We have two hospitals in my town. One is private and my understanding is they can refuse to treat someone. The other hospital, where Ava gets all of her cardiology stuff done, is a public hospital and they can't refuse to treat anyone. One thing I discovered when I was pregnant with Ava was that it became a much more difficult choice for me when it was a "real" choice to make rather than an abstract discussion, you know? I had to really weigh out all the pros and cons and decide if I could live with the potential risk. I had to go through those same motions when researching vaccines for Ava. In theory, I don't much see the need for vaccines. But Ava's health issues were a game changer there. So I had to dig a little deeper. And I had to look at actual numbers of VPDs and decide if I was comfortable with that risk. It's just reinforcement for me though that women need to be better informed and take more responsibility for their healthcare instead of just trusting what's told to them.
 

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