As for DH, it is possible that he doesn't know how to defend me. I brought that up. I told him some things he could say. If someone made some comment about me still
breastfeeding, he would just refer them to the WHO and/or the AAP. Both organization recommend breastfeeding for up to 2 years now, I believe. I would see that as a possible chance to educate and inform people since they brought it up. I wouldn't think of it being about defending myself. I don't feel the need to defend myself from virtual strangers over things they think or say even when they are attacking me with their words. No one has the right to do that no matter who or where they are, even my boss at an official work function. It's called harassment and making a hostile work environment.
DH is a bit spineless when it comes to such situations. I think he was forced to bow to the authority of his father and others in charge regardless of whether or not they are doing a bad thing so much as a child that he doesn't know how to stop anyone from treating him badly. That really annoys me because I view that as weak. I can understand not doing or saying things that would cause a problem but not to the point of lying on a regular basis about the person you are supposed to be partnered in life with. That just makes me feel like he's not really in love me. He's in love with an idea of me as his wife. He's in love with an idea he has of marriage and family rather than what he actually has. So, he doesn't see and appreciate us for the people we are. He just likes to show people that he has this nice family, even if it isn't real.
As far as him telling me about any specifics, see above.
He really does not talk about anything. You wouldn't believe what it took for me to finally get him to talk to me the other day. I had to basically keep screaming at him and not let him walk away until he had no choice but to say something. Otherwise, he would have just humphed and shrugged and walked away and not said anything. The above description also goes to him being passive. He is very, very passive. I am not. If I care about something, I'm going to stand up for it. Like I've said before, if it's something important to me, I'm not going to compromise, especially if the other person can't give me rational, well-researched, well thought out reasons for doing it differently.
I can make some guesses based on the way he acts. I think he is finally mostly on board with educational unschooling. It took 8 years but he's finally getting it. I think it started to click for him when Ethan started reading at the average age without being taught. (Thank goodness for that. If he had been a delayed reader, we would have been in trouble.) He does not like the radical part, which is giving your children the same kinds of choices in all aspects of their lives. He has a really hard time with that for a few reasons. He is very much an all or nothing person. Either he does things all his way or not at all. He doesn't know how to work with the children to do the best he can to get everyone what they want within reason. Since I won't let him constantly punish and deny them, he thinks he has to give in to their every whim.
I have talked to him about this many, many times over the years. I have tried to explain ways that he can say no in gentle and loving ways rather than always just "giving in" to the kids. I've given him books to read, which he doesn't. He doesn't seem to be capable of doing that. Again, I think that goes back to his childhood. He was not really given choices or allowed to express an opinion or any negative emotions. His father wouldn't have it. I have told him that if he can't even take the time to read a few books that would help improve his relationship with his kids and with me and is only going to go with negative knee-jerk reactions based on his childhood experiences, his way is not going to trump mine. He gets mad at me for always telling him what to do but he says he doesn't have time to read because of work. Again, putting work before family. If it was really important to him, he would find the time. If it's not that important to him, he doesn't get as much say in what happens as I do.
When we had Ethan he was very embarrassed about me breastfeeding in public, especially in front of his Marine Corps buddies. He has now gotten to the point where he knows I'm going to do it so he just pretends like it isn't happening. He's still embarrassed by it in front of his people, though. I don't think he minds the cloth diapers that much. But he doesn't like my knit covers. He doesn't think they are cool or fashionable or whatever. He's embarrassed that I dress his baby boys in such things. He will always go for a pocket or AI2 and regular pants if he dresses the baby to go out. I find that insulting because I put a lot of time and effort into making these beautiful pants and he's embarrassed to use them. Wouldn't you think he'd want to show off my skills? I would. Even people (mostly women but some men) who know absolutely nothing about cloth diapers or knitting have expressed a lot of appreciation for the things I have knit.
WRT the advocacy shirts, most people are not going to see me breastfeed. I don't go out much. When I do go out I'm usually with other people who breastfeed so there's no need for exposure or education there. I am a breastfeeding advocate, though, so it is important for me to advertise. I don't start conversations about breastfeeding out of the blue with virtual strangers so the advocacy shirts are the next best thing. It shows that it's something that I can be approached about if someone is interested. It's part of the mission of normalizing breastfeeding and educating people about it. An advocacy shirt plants a seed. I don't really see it advertising. I'm not walking around yelling at everyone, "Look at me! Look what I do!" I have a t-shirt on my breastfed baby/toddler that says, "Breastmilk," or "Breastfeeding".
More important to me, because some people will see me breastfeeding, are the home birth shirts I have. No one else is going to see me giving birth at home. Again, I don't go around telling anyone and everyone about it. I will tell people if the subject comes up but I don't go on and on about it. I'll just say something simple like, "My last two were born at home." I won't say anymore unless someone asks me about something or if they say something snarky. Even then, I make very benign, factual statements. I don't get into heated discussions with people about it. So, I do think it's important to "advertise" that in the way of my advocacy shirts more. Many, many people do not even know it's an option. Most others who know it's an option, still consider a hippie fringe thing, especially in the circles I am placed in a lot of the time. (Although, ultra-conservative Fox News seems to be supportive of home birth.)
The latest thing with that was what I had an outfit all picked out for Dylan to wear to the holiday party that DH's unit was having. I had out his "Born at Home" shirt and a pair of knit longies that matched perfectly with the shirt and a pair of his Robeez. (Those are another thing that embarrass dh because most of the people in his circle think soft-soled shoes are hippie moccasins. No one seems to care that they are better for proper foot development.) I hopped in the shower. When I got out, dh had Dylan dressed in a completely different outfit. I would have changed him but he had fallen asleep and I wasn't going to wake him up just for that. I was really hurt by that. Home birth is another issue that is very important to me. I think it's very important to get the message out there that it is a viable, safe and LEGAL option for mothers and families.
DH said that his official work functions are not a place to advertise such things. I understand that. I would not have dressed him in something like that for a Change of Command or some other actual official Marine Corps ceremony. However, this was a family fun function. It wasn't an official military/Marine Corps ceremony or function. It was not required or sanctioned by the military or the Marine Corps. It was supposed to be a fun time for the families to get together and just have fun. How is the shirt inappropriate for that? Maybe I'm clueless but I don't get it. I think that's just his excuse for being embarrassed by it and me.
Now this is really long again and I've been interrupted so many times that I can't remember what else I was gong to post. I'll probably be back with more.
Thanks for helping me hash this out, as Carrie would say.