December 2012 Rockstar Mamas - Page 18

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by MarineWife 

Cute belly! I love Norah in the photo, too. I must have missed something. I didn't realize the big V was today. Give that man a bag of frozen peas!
Dylan has seriously cut back on nursing lately. He only nursed first thing in the morning before we went to Raleigh. I asked him if he wanted milk before we left (It was almost noon.) and he said no. He didn't want to nurse when we got there 2.5 hours later or right before we left about 5 hours after that. He finally nursed once we got home but he went at least 10 hours without nursing at all. Since we've been home he hardly nurses at all during the day. He's been wanting solid food and other drinks instead of milk most of the time.
Is that normal for a 17 month old? I can handle it if it's just normal and just means he's cutting back to only a few times a day. I don't want him to wean yet. I want him to make it until at least 2.
I spent the morning and early afternoon packing. I was planning to pack the little kids up and go to my mother's. Sean and I got a big fight last night and he said something that hurt me so bad that I just wanted to leave and not come back. I sent him a text this morning telling him that he could blame me for everything if he wanted but that wasn't really fair considering I've been trying to get him to do something for years now because we have been crumbling. Either way, I was done and gone. It was up to him to make it worthwhile for me to stay.
He came home around 2, found me in the boys' room packing suitcases, and asked me not to leave. I told him I couldn't stay somewhere that I felt like I wasn't wanted anymore. I asked him why he wanted me to stay. He said because he loves me and he wants to make things work. I told him again that, if that's what he really wants, he needs to do something about it. Just saying the words again with no follow-through is not enough. I'm not going to stick around very long waiting for him to do something.
Can you believe he said he didn't know what to do? I had to tell him again about counseling and how to set it up. I've told him all of this before plus he gets regular info about it at work. He is the person in charge of passing that kind of info on to the other Marines in his unit. So, we shall see. I'm not unpacking.

Ohh my goodness.  Listen, honestly, good for you.  You've really been trying to make changes and point out where you think you both need to work on things, and he's been just ignoring all of it.  Sometimes it takes a threat like leaving to make them realize how serious it all is.  I too really hope he sees that things need to change and actually DOES something about it.  

Re - the nursing - I've been having the same thoughts.  I was wondering how often your LOs are nursing.  Sometimes I feel l like it's not enough at all!  But, I don't thnk we are anywhere near weaning.  He will always nurse when I offer (even if it's only for a few min) and he still asks a few times a day.  And it's all he wants when he's hurt or sick.  So.  I know we are still in the clear as far as that goes.  

He's still nursing thru the night, right MW?  He might just be too busy to do it during the day.  Yesterday when we went out, we were gone from about 11-5 and I offered 3 times, but he only nursed once for about 10 min.  I think 10 hours if you're busy and not just sitting around is fairly normal for once in awhile.

Originally Posted by onetwoten 

That's basically us. The more desperate seeming he gets about it, the less turned on I am. I think it's because it seems less like it's about me, and more like it's just -dis- desire to fill -his- need, kwim?

Yes to this too. Hearing someone describe it as 'filling your cup' made the most sense to me. Once my own cup is full, I feel better able to help fill his cup. And some of that is being able ot enjoy some alone time without anyone tugging on me or asking anything of me. 

I'm really working on filling my cup.  It's actually something that was even pointed out in the How to Stop Yelling book I'm reading.  We can rarely parent from a peaceful place if we are too tired, hungry, or burnt out b/c we aren't taking care of ourselves first.  It's like when you need to put on your oxygen mask first before putting one on your child.  

So I'm aiming for at LEAST 30 min of time alone a day (and being in the shower/ on the toilet doesn't count).  It helps so much!  I definitely helps with my being able to then be intimate with Chris, b/c I feel like my needs are met before I have to give anymore of myself away.

Kat - hooray for the surgery being over!  oh man, what a huge step!  Hopefully recovery is quick.  

AFM - NM going on.  Same old.  CD8, we dtd yesterday with nothing b/c I'm sure I was safe.  So why this morning am I like oh no what did I do??  It's so hard to trust myself even when I know myself and we were safe!    Going to try temping again this cycle to see what's what.  Hopefully it doesn't make me insane. 

School day so I have to go dry my hair and get the kids ready to go.

I've got vacation on my mind.  Are we still thinking of going to Myrtle beach this spring?  Or should we try for fall?  I need to go somewhere!

[akind1]

Honestly, I'd prefer to do fall - I think my kids would all enjoy it better then (Theo would be around 6 months then), but we could do spring too, I think, if it were like April or so.

Carrie - yes, a big step. But one we are really sure about.

And CD8 . . . hm. When do you normall O? LOL (not trying to make you nervous!)  One reason why I'm thrilled DH is cool with vasectomy is it means no more charting! ever! I am so relieved. He should be in the clear by the time I'm cleared to DTD after birth.

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by akind1 

And CD8 . . . hm. When do you normall O? LOL (not trying to make you nervous!)  One reason why I'm thrilled DH is cool with vasectomy is it means no more charting! ever! I am so relieved. He should be in the clear by the time I'm cleared to DTD after birth.

CD16 or later.  And I was dry/sticky.  If I even have a TOUCH of possibly fertile fluid we wrap it up.  But we were most likely, 99.9% in the clear.

If we do fall then I bet I can convince DH to rent a villa in PR in the spring!!  I want a tropical/beach relaxing vacation.

[akind1]

LOL, when I read "if we do fall" I thought you meant "fall pregnant" in which case I wasn't sure what that had to do with puerto rico . . .I need more coffee.

Seriously. my MDC DDC is funny, I'm trying to explain sidecarring a crib, and so many people are worried about how unsafe it is. It's kind of funny. and frustrating.

[onetwoten]

Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes 

I'm really working on filling my cup.  It's actually something that was even pointed out in the How to Stop Yelling book I'm reading.  We can rarely parent from a peaceful place if we are too tired, hungry, or burnt out b/c we aren't taking care of ourselves first.  It's like when you need to put on your oxygen mask first before putting one on your child.  

So I'm aiming for at LEAST 30 min of time alone a day (and being in the shower/ on the toilet doesn't count).  It helps so much!  I definitely helps with my being able to then be intimate with Chris, b/c I feel like my needs are met before I have to give anymore of myself away.

AFM - NM going on.  Same old.  CD8, we dtd yesterday with nothing b/c I'm sure I was safe.  So why this morning am I like oh no what did I do??  It's so hard to trust myself even when I know myself and we were safe!    Going to try temping again this cycle to see what's what.  Hopefully it doesn't make me insane. 

Yes exactly. I need to feel like I had some me time after having so much mama time and before having wife time. Otherwise I lose sight of the fact that there is a me. 

Yeah, so since Tenley was born, we've used condoms like... twice. I hate them severely, so normally we just either trust my slim grip on my cycles right now, or pull out. Actually used a condom the other day, and it broke. Like seriously?!? lol Felt like such a teenager. Anyways, AF came already, so we're fine, but it was so crazy!

My BFF is probably going to be pregnant soon. So happy for her, and embarassed to admit that a small part of me wants to be pregnant again now, but really just so we can have babies together. Obviously I'm not stupid enough to know that that's a good idea, but it would be so nice! lol

Originally Posted by akind1 

Seriously. my MDC DDC is funny, I'm trying to explain sidecarring a crib, and so many people are worried about how unsafe it is. It's kind of funny. and frustrating.

Seriously? I don't understand how it would be unsafe? Although I mean I guess there has to be a lowest common denominator for everything, and there's probably people out there who would just take off a side, push it up against and call it a day. But... really?

Swimming date with my cousin and her girls today. I haven't been to this pool yet with Ten, but I'm excited, it's got a great kiddie pool with lots for them to do, slides and zero entry, and a little waterfall and stuff. And it's practically bath temperature too. Looking forward to it. 

[MarineWife]

Carrie ~ I can understand the little bit of worry over dtd unprotected. Any time you dtd at all before you O you are taking a chance of getting pregnant, even when you use bc or barriers.

Dylan is not nursing through the night. He hasn't been for a while. He sleeps for at least 5 hours but sometimes as long as 7 hours before waking to nurse. He usually nurses right before he falls asleep, once after that 5-7 hour stretch and then again 2-3 hours later (we are usually still in bed). Then during the day it's kind of hit or miss depending on how busy we are. He didn't nurse much over the Christmas holiday, I think because there was so much going on and so much food to eat all the time.

He is also doing that toddler thing where he wants to nurse but maybe not even for a minute before he's off to play again. That drives me batty, too. Either nurse or don't but stop expecting me to stop whatever I'm doing every few minutes so you can nurse for a few seconds and then run off. And, of course, he always wants to nurse as soon as I start to do something else. If I'm just sitting on the couch kind of waiting to see what he's going to do, he doesn't even notice me. He's off playing so I think it's safe to knit a little. As soon as I pick up my yarn, his toddler sense starts tingling and he comes running and screaming. Mommy must do nothing but wait for me to want something!

Vacation: At this point, fall would probably be better for us because we are trying to get things straightened with house. Spring will be right around the time when we'll have to start wrapping things up, doing last minutes whatever and figuring how, when and where we are going to move. I haven't done much with my mom's timeshares for two reasons. One, I got overwhelmed trying to look things up in the book she gave me. There are so many resorts with so many options and I'm just not sure what we want. Plus, some of you were looking at other rentals and I didn't want my mom to use her points to reserve something if that was not what everyone wanted. I guess I'm not completely clear on what we want or need. Beachfront, beach view or across the highway? Sleeps 8 or 10 with everyone getting a separate bedroom or something else? One unit/house or two? Although, almost certainly if we need something that sleeps 10 with separate bedrooms for everyone, we would probably have to get two units.

I've been meaning to ask if you were reading that book but I've been so caught up in my marriage shit that I hadn't gotten around to it. I got it for Christmas, twice. I'm reading it slowly. I just read the part of having your own cup full last night. ITA with that. That's a big reason why I don't "work" during naps. That's my time to sit and do something fun or interesting or enjoyable or relaxing just for me (sort of, most of the time). Of course, I still have the bigger boys around most days so it's not really complete alone time.

My dh doesn't seem to understand that I need that. He thinks it's enough for him to just be here and every once in a while run interference between me and the kids. Um, no. I need him to actually completely take care of the kids so I can be alone in my own head and body.

Last night I went to take a hot bubble bath after dinner. Halfway through my bath I here and bunch of banging and slamming and running around and dh not doing anything about it. I didn't get out of the tub. I tried to ignore it, hoping it would stop quickly, but it didn't. Finally, Ethan came bursting into the bathroom so I asked him to ask everyone else to stop slamming doors and banging things. That worked but it really should have been dh taking care of that.

On that note, we have a counseling appointment for Monday night. It's going to be kind of hard getting through the weekend but I think we're both already feeling a little better about things so we should be ok. I've decided I'm a nag. I have become that way sort of on purpose, though. I went through a long period when I didn't nag dh about anything. I was trying to show him through example but he never got it. His behavior actually got worse, went the opposite direction, almost like he saw me doing all this stuff so he figured he didn't need to do anything.

So, an example of me nagging, that you can tell me whether or not you all would have said anything about. We were driving to Raleigh. We hadn't even gotten out of Jacksonville and Ethan was car sick. We pulled over once to get him some Dramamine. He took it but not 10-15 minutes later he was throwing up. We had just pulled into Richlands, the next town over, so I told dh to pull over again. He said ok but kept driving. He drove past a big empty parking lot and then started to drive past an auto repair shop parking lot. I pointed both out to him but he kept driving. So, I told him, in an aggravated voice by now, to just pull over and stop NOW! I don't know what he was thinking. This all happened in really only a matter of seconds because we did stop in the auto shop parking lot. Then dh goes to get out just as Ethan starts gagging and vomiting but he's moseying, walking very slowly and taking his own sweet time to get to Ethan. So, I jump out of the van, fling the door open and get Ethan out of the car as quickly as possible. I'm like, "WTH, Sean? Ethan was throwing up and you are acting like you are on a leisurely stroll. Why didn't you hurry up?" His response, a sort of grunted shrug of IDK and that he thought Ethan was only coughing. Um, we knew he was feeling car sick and he almost always throws up when he feels that way. I would think in that situation you could put two and two together and realize he was throwing up and not just coughing. To me, that's just plain stupid. Ok, it wasn't a full blown emergency. No one was going to die. But Ethan was vomiting and we still had at least 2 hours of driving time. Did he want to drive all that way with the car smelling like vomit?

Should I have not said anything and just dealt with it myself? I feel like if I don't say anything he doesn't take things seriously or think about them or see how he should have done things differently. He just doesn't seem to think. He says I treat him like I think he's stupid. Well, truth be told, I do. I think he is very stupid and I'm sick of it. I can't stand stupid.

[akind1]

MW: that's not nagging to me. I'd of done the same - But my DH may not have even gotten out of the car - generally I'm the one who handles the car stuff with the kids. I remember going through that when DS was a tiny baby, before I figured out how to nurse while he was still in the carseat, debating whether we should stop, where to stop, etc, to stop the screaming. Because  7/10 times, as soon as he was back in the carseat, he'd be screaming anyway, so it seemed kind of pointless to bother. But then Gabe got older, found his thumb and a lovey (and I learned how to nurse him while in the carseat)  - and it was fine.

I hope the counseling helps. How are the kids reacting to the tension in the house? because there is bound to be some.

JJ: I don't know - I mean, this is MDC, and the question was in regards to safe co-sleeping. I honestly think a properly sidecarred crib is so much better than the arm's reach co-sleeper. I just attached some links showing how to side car a crib. I understand people's nervousness. You make things as safe as you can. And yeah, babies do fall off beds. You don't encourage it, but it happens. I'd rather a baby fall of my bed (which is low) onto the carpeted floor, than climb out of his crib. That seems so much less safe to me.

Enjoy your swimming date!

We had a short babywearing playdate (Gabe was breaking down horribly) and went to a friends house and had pizza instead. Gabe loves her little girl, and they play really well together. Now back home to work, work, work. yay.

[MarineWife]

I meant to say that thinking a sidecarred crib is unsafe seems strange for MDC. But that's the kind of thing that has kept me from bothering with other boards anymore. The attitude here has changed and has become a lot more mainstream, imo.

Having an older child saying he is sick and going to throw up and then actually vomiting is different from a crying newborn. A lot of times there is nothing you can do about a newborn crying in the car except to hurry up and get where you are going. However, if you know your child is about to throw up, stop asap and help get that kid out of the car!

Ethan was upset over the fighting. I had locked dh out of the bedroom that night until Ethan cried and begged me to let him back in. I agreed as long as dh apologized. He came back in the room to sleep but didn't say anything to me. Not one word. So, then Ethan was also very concerned about me packing things to go to my mother's on such short notice. Kellen doesn't seems to be oblivious. Dylan has been overly clingy or extremely charming when dh and I are together, almost like he's trying to lighten the mood. It's kind of hard to stay angry at anyone when there's a cute baby in your face.

[onetwoten]

Quote:

 Either nurse or don't but stop expecting me to stop whatever I'm doing every few minutes so you can nurse for a few seconds and then run off. And, of course, he always wants to nurse as soon as I start to do something else. If I'm just sitting on the couch kind of waiting to see what he's going to do, he doesn't even notice me. He's off playing so I think it's safe to knit a little. As soon as I pick up my yarn, his toddler sense starts tingling and he comes running and screaming. Mommy must do nothing but wait for me to want something! 

Exactly!  It's not like she's spending more time overall nursing, but I'm nursing dozens of times during the day, for not time, so I have to be "on" all the time. 

I think you were right to say something, but could have worded it nicer, or even said something after the fact. It's hard when they're acting like children, but don't want to be treated like children. I've had some progress with just flat out telling DH that during a fight. He doesn't like that I 'act like this mother', and so I yelled back that I didn't like having to act like his mother either! Did he think I -liked- having to chase him around reminding him of stupid things that he should already be doing? I think it kind of made him stop and think a little bit. Like neither of us LIKE it when I have to nag. So if you did these things to start with, then I wouldn't have to get upset by having to nag you, and you wouldn't get angry when I did nag you. 

If you do have to say something, like in that case, you could probably word it more matter of factly about the situation, rather than an attack. Something like "Sean, Ethan is about to throw up in the van, someone needs to get him NOW." Start moving at the same time, because you know it'll take him a second to absorb what you've said, but at the same time, you're acknowledging what the issue is. After the fact, once Ethan is settled again, let him know "I'm sorry I raised my voice, but it was obvious to me that Ethan needed out of the van -right away- and you were not moving fast enough to get him out. I really don't want to have to drive another two hours with puke in the van."  More of an If... then type statement, right? Don't involve emotions, more just making him aware of how his actions affect those around him. "Sean when you move so slowly like that, even though we know Ethan is sick, it means that he throws up in the van, and all of us have to spend the next two hours with that smell. If you hurry to get him out of the van faster, we can get on the way quicker."

So much easier said than done, trust me, I know. But it's worth a shot. 

Swimming was good, and then we went to mcd's playplace afterwards, and then she slept for 75 minutes in the car. She's in such a weird mood now!

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by MarineWife 

Carrie ~ I can understand the little bit of worry over dtd unprotected. Any time you dtd at all before you O you are taking a chance of getting pregnant, even when you use bc or barriers.
Dylan is not nursing through the night. He hasn't been for a while. He sleeps for at least 5 hours but sometimes as long as 7 hours before waking to nurse. 

 

Vacation: At this point, fall would probably be better for us because we are trying to get things straightened with house.
I've been meaning to ask if you were reading that book but I've been so caught up in my marriage shit that I hadn't gotten aro

 

So, an example of me nagging, that you can tell me whether or not you all would have said anything about. ... I'm like, "WTH, Sean? Ethan was throwing up and you are acting like you are on a leisurely stroll. Why didn't you hurry up?" His response, a sort of grunted shrug of IDK and that he thought Ethan was only coughing. 

 

Should I have not said anything and just dealt with it myself? I feel like if I don't say anything he doesn't take things seriously or think about them or see how he should have done things differently. He just doesn't seem to think. He says I treat him like I think he's stupid. Well, truth be told, I do. I think he is very stupid and I'm sick of it. I can't stand stupid.

Yes that's totally true.  Any DTD before O can go either way.  Yikes!    Oh well I guess we shall see.  The one thing that really sucks about DTD w/o protection is it screws up your cm b/c you don't know if it's cm or leftovers.  So yesterday I was unable to tell what was going on.  

Oh ok about Dylan nursing.  That's awesome he goes so long at night tho.

I counted and a rough estimate for us is nursing about 5 times a day.  Not including a booboo or a tantrum tamer.  I'm constantly worrying this isn't enough, but he eats crazy amounts of food and is def eating enough.  I just can't believe we are at almost a year and a half.  My goal was to make it past two and I feel like that isn't so far off at all!  It's odd that he's a nursing toddler now.  It's like it happened overnight. I'm just in no hurry to wean at all (if at all).  

So.  The nagging.  I'm right there with you!!!!  ARGH!!  I can't stand it when they don't use their brains.  I would have totally blurted out the same thing, MW, seriously.  BUT in the interest of trying to salvage my relationship, I would have also apologized after the fact and explained my position.  The same way I do when I yell at Nora for doing something I consider frustrating.  I always try to say, "Listen, I'm sorry I yelled.  I was frustrated b/c of X. "  It helps.  It does.  I'm not sorry I was mad about it but I'm sorry I yelled at you for it.  S's grunting is probably him just not wanting to get into it with you.  Chris does that.  He will try to back away from a fight before it becomes something and man...that makes me even more mad sometimes!  I'll pick and pick and pick until I get a reaction!  And then by that time it's BAD.

Ooh I'm out of order.  Ok lets aim for Fall then!  We can go thru the room situation together so it doesn't get overwhelming.  I would love walking distance to the beach.  Other than that, we just need 2 beds.  I don't care about sharing a kitchen or anything like that.  It'll still be hot enough in the fall for beach weather right?

Originally Posted by MarineWife 

Ethan was upset over the fighting. I had locked dh out of the bedroom that night until Ethan cried and begged me to let him back in. I agreed as long as dh apologized. He came back in the room to sleep but didn't say anything to me. Not one word. So, then Ethan was also very concerned about me packing things to go to my mother's on such short notice. Kellen doesn't seems to be oblivious. Dylan has been overly clingy or extremely charming when dh and I are together, almost like he's trying to lighten the mood. It's kind of hard to stay angry at anyone when there's a cute baby in your face.

Aww.  And so true!  Dylan is just such a charmer.

Originally Posted by onetwoten 

If you do have to say something, like in that case, you could probably word it more matter of factly about the situation, rather than an attack. Something like "Sean, Ethan is about to throw up in the van, someone needs to get him NOW." Start moving at the same time, because you know it'll take him a second to absorb what you've said, but at the same time, you're acknowledging what the issue is. After the fact, once Ethan is settled again, let him know "I'm sorry I raised my voice, but it was obvious to me that Ethan needed out of the van -right away- and you were not moving fast enough to get him out. I really don't want to have to drive another two hours with puke in the van."  More of an If... then type statement, right? Don't involve emotions, more just making him aware of how his actions affect those around him. "Sean when you move so slowly like that, even though we know Ethan is sick, it means that he throws up in the van, and all of us have to spend the next two hours with that smell. If you hurry to get him out of the van faster, we can get on the way quicker."

Yeah! 

AFM - back on WW!  Holy it's going to be tough.  I forgot how easy it is to just ignore it.  But I've got to do this!  For myself and for my health.

We had a rough night last night.  I called DH at 5 and told him to please come get Finn back to sleep b/c I'd had it.  At 730 he wakes me up and says he's going running.  GRR.  Tho it's much nicer in the am w/o him sitting around.

I think I'm going to seriously try to push counseling.  What do you do with the kids when you're going to counseling?   I don't want to tell anyone, esp not his parents.  I'm thinking of going on a school day and just bringing Finn with us?

I'm also really thinking I need to go alone first for a few times and air my grievances alone, and maybe get sme perspective.

I'm nervous b/c the last time I tried a therapist, I was young, around 20.  And all she could really tell me was maybe Chris wasn't the right guy for me.  That I probably would be better off w/o him.  Will a therapist just come out and tell you it's hopeless and you should split up?  

[MarineWife]

Carrie ~ I think a counselor will tell you that you might be better of without someone but the reasons may depend. Did she say that because she really thought Chris was not the guy for you or did she that because she thought that you wouldn't be able to deal with things? Two completely different reasons, ya know? I have never had a counselor tell me that Sean wasn't for me but we were already married. I would hope that would make a difference. I would think that any counselor worth anything would understand that, short of abuse, the most important thing is to try to salvage the marriage if at all possible, especially if children are involved.

If you go to someone for marriage counseling, they will probably met with you both together and then with each of you separately. You can certainly go on your own, too, but if you are really going to couples counseling, I think you should take Chris if he's willing. If he's not willing, go on your own anyway.

Early fall will probably be warm enough in SC for the beach but not for swimming (for me, anyway). I'm not a fan of swimming so that's not an issue for me. I'm perfectly happy to sit on the beach in the warm sun playing in the sand.

I went back and reread what I wrote. I put it in quotes but that's not exactly what I said to Sean. I can't remember exactly now. It was something along the lines of, "Why were you moving so slowly? Didn't you realize Ethan was throwing up?" I'm pretty sure I said it after I had already gotten out of the car and dealt with it because he was still walking slowly around the front. I would have gotten out first, but Sean was already out of the car. I do try to ask him in a calm, matter-of-fact tone what he was thinking. He doesn't usually give me any answer unless I really push him and then it's just angry crap. I honestly think he does not think. He knows he didn't think and doesn't want to admit it so he just grunts and shrugs and tries to ignore me. Sean is definitely a stick your head in the sand kind of person and hope the problem just goes away. He doesn't like to face or confront things.

I've totally lost my train of thought because Kellen has interrupted me umpteen times and Dylan is screaming and pushing at me and trying to get into my lap. If I remember what else I was going to say, I'll come back later and post it.

[Baby_Cakes]

It's hard to explain.  At the time I was really young and my family was a huge stress.  When I would explain how Chris would talk to me, etc, she said he sounded a lot like my mother, and did I really want that sort of relationship or was I just encouraging the past to repeat itself?  All the things Chris would dismiss as stupid, how he would shut down and not talk to me, etc.  it was too much truth for me to handle at that time, for sure.  I couldn't accept that I was in love with someone so similar to someone I couldn't stand.  So.  I stopped going.   I needed him.  I needed him more than I ever needed anything else -- especially to escape my family and get away from how horrible they were.  I couldn't imagine going forward w/o him in my life b/c, in every sense of the word, he rescued me.

I do feel indebted to him for a lot of things.  I mean, when I didn't have a car b/c my sister would take it, he would drive me to work.  When I got sick at college, he would pick me up and take me to the dr.  My family completely abandoned me and didn't care.  He was always there for me.  Always.  Emotionally, maybe not so much.  But he was honestly there for me every step of the way and really pulled me out of a bad situation.

And especially now that I have NO family and he's all I have (him and his mom and dad and brothers) I can't logically just say it's over.  It can never be.  I have nobody and nothing else.

[MarineWife]

Don't they say we all marry our mothers in some form or another? I can see a lot of my mother's behaviors in Sean and I do not have a good relationship with her. I have no idea how I'm like Sean's mother. It seems we are complete opposites.

It sounds like counseling could help you both a lot. Maybe having someone else tell Chris how his behavior toward you is sometimes not ok will make him stop and think. And, also you feeling like you are in a safe place to tell him exactly how you feel about how he rescued you and how grateful you are for that and you love him for it and don't want to leave him or his family but that doesn't mean that he can treat you however he wants or that you will just take it.

[Baby_Cakes]

That's a really good point.  Really.  I do feel like if I say anything it's a slap in the face to him.  So that makes it truly hard.  An impartial 3rd party would make that easier for sure.

Ok so DH and I talked.  If we skip a big vacation this spring, we could put that money toward moving.  I think that's a bigger issue and more important.  I need a new kitchen more than I need a tan.    Our biggest stressor right now is moving.  UGH I just want to find a house and GO.  It's so hard being stuffed in a house that's too small.  It's like we can't move fwd with anything.

[MarineWife]

Sometimes, especially men, need someone else, another man, to tell them what they are doing wrong and how they need to change for them to get it. It's kind of sad but that seems to be how it is. One of the things the author in that last marriage book I read spent an entire section on was talking to men about how they need to let their wives influence them. It's not enough for them to just let their wives talk. It's not enough to nod and smile and say, "Yes, Dear." They have to really listen to, think about and sometimes go with what their wives have said.

I think I mentioned here before about how Sean had read in that, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book that men should just act like they are listening while women ramble and the women would be happy. Not so much when you come back later to talk about something again and the man has no idea what you are talking about or if you are telling him to do something a certain way and he goes off and does it a completely different way after all that talking.

We went looking for a new back door yesterday because the frame of ours is rotting on one side and that will affect the appraisal for the refi. The door we have now has a full glass window in it so we have a roman shade hanging on it to cover the window for privacy. I told Sean that I'd like to get one just like it but that has the blinds inside the glass. We really only need to replace the frame but that would cost around $200 and it would only be another couple hundred to replace the entire door, so why not, right? We found a door with the blinds in it at a building supplier store for $300. Perfect! I asked Sean before he got the door out to take up to the register if he had measured them. He said he had. We got home and the door doesn't fit. It's too big. So, turns out, he didn't really measure the door. He remembered the measurement of the front door and assumed they were the same size. Well, anyone who knows anything about houses knows that the front door is almost always bigger than a single back door. It's a design thing.

So, he goes back out to return the door we got and try to find another one that fits. He comes home and says the only way to get the door we want is to special order it for $800. I said that just doesn't sound right. The builders didn't put any special sized door in our house. It's tract house just like all the others in this neighborhood. They got the cheapest supplies they could get from the local suppliers. After going around and around he finally tells me that he could get a door just like ours, without the blinds inside, for around $300. Well, duh! Then get that!

I had to spell out for him that the whole point was to repair the things in the house that would lower the appraisal without spending a ton of money. I mean, since we are keeping the house (for now) I do want to make improvements and not skimp on repairs but I also don't want to spend a ton for extra things that aren't necessary. So, um, if the door with the blinds in it is $800 and the door without the blinds is only $300, get the one without. Then the door will be repaired and be the same. Especially since we can eventually buy a new window insert that has the blinds in it for another $100.

Why do I have to explain all of that to him? He can't figure it out himself? It doesn't occur to him to tell from the get-go about the options? He got so stuck on the window with the blinds in it that he wasn't going to tell me about anything else until I kept questioning him and pushing him until he got pissy about it. I think that's some sort of Marine Corps thing. He is given orders, told to do something a certain way. The end result has to be this. He can't make a decision party way through that it's better or makes more sense another way. He just has to do what he's told no matter what. It drives me crazy!

[onetwoten]

Maybe he just heard you say that you wanted the one with the blinds and was trying to be nice and get that one for you, even if it was going to cost more, so that you would be happy with it?

Typing on phone in the car. Blah. Bbl

[AnnieA]

Honestly, I probably would have appreciated if my DH didn't color outside the lines if I had specifically instructed him to get a certain thing at the store. We try really hard to not make substitutions even on small things without consulting with the other person if we were asked to do something specific. I got frustrated with DH when I sent him to the store on Christmas Eve because I specifically wrote on his list to get a very small chunk of ham. He came home with a 10 lb ham with the excuse that it was only a few dollars more and a better deal. It took longer to cook and it's not a better deal if we end up throwing most of it away because not everyone eats the ham. It would have been better if he bought no ham IMO.

I think you guys are at a make it or break it point. IMO, you need to decide if you want to stay married to him. If you do, then in the words of my Marine DH "you gotta stop picking the fly shit out of the pepper". I'm saying this with a lot of love. You either need to let the little things roll off your back or if the little things have piled up so much that you can't ignore them, then one of you needs to leave.

Vacation stuff: Fall is good for me. I don't care if we are right on the beach so long as there is a pool close by. I think it would be nice if we could find a place for all of us to stay together if not, then something like we had in Williamsburg where everyone can wander back and forth.

Ava is finally feeling better and getting back to her regular sleep pattern. She went to bed at 7:30 PM last night and her first wake-up for milk wasn't until 1:30 AM. So awesome! Oh, I was going to say for those that only nurse 4-5 times a day, that's pretty much how often I'm pumping these days as well. But when you guys go all day without nursing, are you dying by the time the baby actually nurses? I can't go more than 5-6 hours during the day without pumping. I can go 7-9 hrs overnight without pumping but only if I'm asleep.
 

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by onetwoten 

Maybe he just heard you say that you wanted the one with the blinds and was trying to be nice and get that one for you, even if it was going to cost more, so that you would be happy with it?

Absolutely, and I get that. But, why wouldn't he also tell me about the other options? That just doesn't make any sense to me, especially when I had already said that it didn't make sense that we would have a door that's some special size that no store in the area, including Lowe's and Home Depot, carries. Door sizes are standard unless you get something specially made.

If I say to you, "That's too much. There must be another option." Would you then, at least, tell me we can get a door without the blinds in it? I honestly do not understand why he didn't tell me that from the get go.

[AnnieA]

Originally Posted by MarineWife 

Sometimes, especially men, need someone else, another man, to tell them what they are doing wrong and how they need to change for them to get it. It's kind of sad but that seems to be how it is. One of the things the author in that last marriage book I read spent an entire section on was talking to men about how they need to let their wives influence them. It's not enough for them to just let their wives talk. It's not enough to nod and smile and say, "Yes, Dear." They have to really listen to, think about and sometimes go with what their wives have said.

I totally agree and this is one of the big reasons why I love going to talk to a priest w/DH. He listens better to men.

[AnnieA]

Originally Posted by AnnieA 

I think you guys are at a make it or break it point. IMO, you need to decide if you want to stay married to him. If you do, then in the words of my Marine DH "you gotta stop picking the fly shit out of the pepper". I'm saying this with a lot of love. You either need to let the little things roll off your back or if the little things have piled up so much that you can't ignore them, then one of you needs to leave.
 

I have a little bit more time now so I thought I would elaborate on this. About a year ago, DH and I made the decision that short of physical abuse or homicide, we weren't getting a divorce. And the funny this is that we stopped bickering about a lot of small things. It's just not worth it. We're grownups, we're kind of set in our ways and short of us doing something that is physically hurting each other or seriously damaging the kids, we really just need to learn to deal with it. It was really freeing in a way. We still have our moments and I have to work really hard to watch how I talk to DH. When the big kids are home, I go in to "management" mode which you kind of have to do with so many kids and I lump DH in to that. And then I get frustrated when he does something "stupid". But he pointed out to me one time that the way I was speaking to him was not a way I would talk to the kids and certainly wasn't a way I wanted them to speak to each other or us so I really needed to work on that. And he's right. Even if he does stuff that I think is stupid, he's still a human, he's still the kids' dad and I need to afford him a certain level of respect, especially when speaking to him in front of the kids.