Binky loss and regression. Your experience please.

[ck1]

DS just turned 3 and 5 months old and we finally dissed the Binky I won't go into all the details but overall it went well. It took a solid week before he completely forgot about it, 3 days to sleep through the night without crying for his binky, and about 5 days for him to nap again. My problem is this:

Suddenly he's waking up at night crying from nightmares, or bad dreams, or there not being enough light on in the room. He also started with wanting nearly all of the lights on in his room when he goes to bed or nap. He screams a lot at his brother too, especially when he wakes (they share a room), and he makes mischief until either my husband or I go in and break it up. Now suddenly he's telling us nobody likes him  (going to post something about this separately). All of this in the just under two weeks of giving up his Binky. 

He's always been a great sleeper (not a good napper), not without occasional bumps along the way though, but nothing like this. When he wakes up crying he genuinely wants comforting and doesn't mention the Binky at all. 

I'm just curious what you might have experienced after your child let go of their Binky, and how long it took for things to go back to normal again (as if they ever really do). 

[phathui5]

Maybe he wasn't ready to let it go?

[4evermom]

Not mentioning the binky doesn't mean he has forgotten about it. It could mean that he is resigned to it's absence and doesn't want to hear anyone say he can't have it so he doesn't want to ask. It can feel worse to ask for something that you really want and to be told "no." My son never used a pacifier but he still had a strong need to cuddle and nurse to fall asleep at that age so I know he wouldn't have been ready to give up a pacifier if that is what he used instead of "nummies." 

[lilabet]

Or maybe it isn't anything to do with the binkie? My child is that age and went through a phase for a couple of weeks of having the same thing happen.

I wouldn't worry about it. And I certainly wouldn't give the binkie back.

[Monkeygrrl]

Originally Posted by ck1 

He's always been a great sleeper (not a good napper), not without occasional bumps along the way though, but nothing like this. When he wakes up crying he genuinely wants comforting and doesn't mention the Binky at all. 

Did you ask him if he wanted his binky? Or are you just assuming he doesn't want it?

I'm just curious what you might have experienced after your child let go of their Binky, and how long it took for things to go back to normal again (as if they ever really do). 

 

Your child didn't "let go" of the binky. You took it from him. 

IMO, he's not ready to be done. If you are ready for him to be done, you can put reasonable boundaries on it. He can only have it for naps and night time (or something like that). But it is apparent to me that he still has a need for it.

If it were my child I would ask him, and then respond appropriately. And I wouldn't make statements like "big boys don't use binkies". He knows that. I'm assuming dad/brother/cousin/etc doesn't walk around using one, so he knows. But that doesn't mean he considers himself a big boy, or that he's been able to find something else to answer that need that the binky was filling.

[lilabet]

I think you might have misread - this child is 3 years 5 months. Not 5 months. Certainly old enough to give up a binkie.

[Monkeygrrl]

Originally Posted by lilabet 

I think you might have misread - this child is 3 years 5 months. Not 5 months. Certainly old enough to give up a binkie.

No, I didn't misread. And he may be "old enough" to give it up, but that doesn't mean he was ready. 

Yes, it could be something else entirely. My boys had night terrors at around that age. I, like others, was just throwing ideas out there, and saying what I would do if it were my child.

[lilabet]

You were quite forceful - saying she "took it away from him". And saying it is apparent he has a need for it. When you actually admit that's not the case at all - now you mention night terrors too.

Why the desire to infantilise a child, and treat them like a baby?

[Monkeygrrl]

Originally Posted by lilabet 

You were quite forceful - saying she "took it away from him". And saying it is apparent he has a need for it. When you actually admit that's not the case at all - now you mention night terrors too.
Why the desire to infantilise a child, and treat them like a baby?

I apologize to you for being forceful.

In my world, listening to a child is not "treating them like a baby", it's respecting their needs - whatever they may be. Obviously I do it differently than you would. And that's ok. 

I'll be done with this thread. 

[lilabet]

You don't need to apologise to me!

Listening to a child is not babying them. Saying a 3.5 year old still needs a binkie is. Just so we are clear on that.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by lilabet 

I think you might have misread - this child is 3 years 5 months. Not 5 months. Certainly old enough to give up a binkie.

I don't understand. They're ready when they are ready, not according to any kind of age chart. Why not let him have his binky until he decides its time to stop? Did the dentist say it was causing his teeth to go crooked or is there a serious health issue with the binky? I could understand needing to decrease binky use in that case.

[lilabet]

Because you're babying a child?! That's why.

And, as has been pointed out, there could be a number of other reasons for what is wrong.

[tropicana]

Originally Posted by lilabet 

Because you're babying a child?! That's why.
And, as has been pointed out, there could be a number of other reasons for what is wrong.

you call it "babying"; i call it "meeting his needs."

so he likes the comfort of sucking at night. so what?? if he sucked his thumb instead, what would you do? if he liked to nurse to sleep at 3 1/2, so what?

what the mother is experiencing is a consequence of taking away her child's perceived need. yes, he will survive. BUT there will be a reaction, at least in the short term. maybe even in the long term. 

the operative question is: is this worth it? maybe it is, maybe it isn't. only the OP can decide that.

[Neera]

The pacifier was a real pain. It eventually comes out of their mouth in their sleep and they cry for it. I'd be up a couple of times every hour all night putting the pacifier back on into dd's mouth. This was when she slept in a crib. I didn't cosleep at first. When we started cosleeping it would fall next to her in the bed but it was a little better as I didn't have to get up to find it and she really didn't need it as much when cosleeping. During the day it would fall out of her mouth on the floor and had to be constantly washed with hot water. I was sick of it. You couldn't put it around the child's neck as it was a choking hazard. Luckily at around age 3 she developed some white stuff on her toungue. We don't know what it was as it disappeared quickly. So we had to take away the pacifier from her. She understood there was a genuine reason but she still cried for it a lot on the 2nd night. It took about 10 days to adjust. If this was not the case, she is v. strong willed and would not have given it up easily. Her potty training was the same. Never learned with going cold turkey and taking the diapers away. We had to go back and forth a whole lot. If I had hidden it or taken it away from her telling her she can't use it any more or any cold turkey method I would expect adjustment problems - wakings, moving a lot in the sleep etc.

Edited by Neera - 12/4/12 at 6:05am

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by tropicana 

you call it "babying"; i call it "meeting his needs."

so he likes the comfort of sucking at night. so what?? if he sucked his thumb instead, what would you do? if he liked to nurse to sleep at 3 1/2, so what?

what the mother is experiencing is a consequence of taking away her child's perceived need. yes, he will survive. BUT there will be a reaction, at least in the short term. maybe even in the long term. 

the operative question is: is this worth it? maybe it is, maybe it isn't. only the OP can decide that.

A need met in childhood goes away.

[ck1]

Interesting posts. Didn't realize this was a touchy subject for some. 

Honestly, I do think 3 1/2 is too old for our son to have his Binky. We struggled with it, and we let him keep it thinking we'll wait until he tells us he's had enough. BUT, we found our son has trouble self soothing in a beyond normal manner, and the Binky was not helping him learn this skill.

We didn't just rip it from him. I know how we handled it was appropriate. We talked to him about it, and asked if he was ready to give it up, and he said.............. "Yes." My son is very articulate and smart. He knew exactly what we were asking, and was very excited to be a big boy. He has a younger brother who uses a Binky too, so it was easy to explain how babies use them - note: they are not the same type of Binky, and he never touches his. I don't think anyone would have doubted my son's willingness to give it up. We set a date. He decorated an envelope, kissed and hugged his Binky goodbye, and had a nice moment with the teacher of the baby class to part ways, and got a gift. I wouldn't change it. But of course reality set it when he didn't have them. He was already down to using his Binky for just nap and bedtime, oh, and for all the times he got upset.

We as a family decided he didn't need it anymore in order to gain confidence in self soothing. I'll also admit, it's annoying when your son can't sleep without a Binky, especially if you're in a car or can't find it at bedtime.  

I think I had things confused. Rather than thinking that a Binky is just a soothing device  our son would decide he's had enough of, I never stopped to think how it could be preventing him from learning important skills - how to sooth himself back to sleep, or calm himself when he's upset. For our son we needed to do away with his Binky sooner. My second son is so easy going and can calm himself down in a flash I have no worries for him... but I will be doing away with his Binky a lot sooner.

I've seen a great improvement in my son's night waking and morning mischief, and he hasn't mentioned the Binky in over a week. I'm thinking in a couple weeks he'll probably be back to his old routine. And probably a lot longer to learn the skills he was prevented from learning. 

NOTE: I wanted to just state that I'm not generalizing this to anyone's child. One may have a child where self soothing and having a binky are going along great. You decide what you need to do for your child. This is what worked for us. 

[phathui5]

Originally Posted by lilabet 

You don't need to apologise to me!
Listening to a child is not babying them. Saying a 3.5 year old still needs a binkie is. Just so we are clear on that.

What if we were talking about nursing instead of a pacifier?