Explaining to My Child

[atopz94]

I conceived my son with a friend who donated sperm for me. My friend doesn't want to raise my child, and has agreed to relieve parental rights on the day he is born. How do you explain a sperm donor to a child and when is it appropriate to do so? This friend has been my friend since the 8th grade and will be in my life and my son's. Should I eventually tell him who his father really is?

[Polliwog]

Have you discussed this with your friend? I assume the subject has come up.

I think you shouldn't ever keep it a secret from your child. Every child has the right to know his life's story. My children are both adopted and we've got open adoptions with various members of their birth families. Knowing their "stories" is important.

[jewel1288]

Originally Posted by atopz94 

I conceived my son with a friend who donated sperm for me. My friend doesn't want to raise my child, and has agreed to relieve parental rights on the day he is born. How do you explain a sperm donor to a child and when is it appropriate to do so? This friend has been my friend since the 8th grade and will be in my life and my son's. Should I eventually tell him who his father really is?

Since your friend is going to be in your lives, it seems like he should be asked if he wants that information shared. I think it would be difficult to avoid forever. Maybe he didn't consider that. To be clear, he is comfortable having a relationship with you both, but doesn't want the financial or parenting responsibility? 

I think honesty with children is always best, but using discretion is always something to be considered. The best to way to determine what they want to know is to be attentive when they begin asking questions about dad. At four the question might be, where is my daddy or do I have a daddy. So your answer for the age, could be, yes, you do have a daddy. and you could continue sharing concise and to the point information that you feel comfortable sharing. if no more questions follow, then you've answered your LO's question. No need to share more. If another question follows, again answer honesty, appropriately, and to the point. 

Something I'd also be concerned about is if the sperm donor is in your life and your child knows he is the father, i'd be concerned about your LO feeling some kind of confusion about why daddy isn't invested... or maybe he is planning to be invested? He definitely had a kindness to donate his sperm after all. 

[bananabee]

Just an idea: Call him "Uncle _____", and let your son get to know him that way, then when your son asks who his daddy is, tell him you didn't find a good daddy for him, so Uncle _____ helped you make him, and here he is! This wonderful little boy you always wanted. Wasn't it so nice of Uncle _____ to help him come into this world? 

Sure, he'll have more questions as he gets older, but that should satisfy his curiosity in a lot of ways. There's no mystery man out there, and he wasn't abandoned. It gives him an idea of what he'll look like when he grows up, and allows him to feel related to the guy w/o thinking of him as a father figure. 

[jewel1288]

Originally Posted by bananabee 

Just an idea: Call him "Uncle _____", and let your son get to know him that way, then when your son asks who his daddy is, tell him you didn't find a good daddy for him, so Uncle _____ helped you make him, and here he is! This wonderful little boy you always wanted. Wasn't it so nice of Uncle _____ to help him come into this world? 

Sure, he'll have more questions as he gets older, but that should satisfy his curiosity in a lot of ways. There's no mystery man out there, and he wasn't abandoned. It gives him an idea of what he'll look like when he grows up, and allows him to feel related to the guy w/o thinking of him as a father figure. 

That's a really sweet and thoughtful way to go about it. :)