I can give an update.
She has been home for 3 months now. She started preschool 1 month ago, so that has helped (both of us) a lot. Her major meltdowns are nothing compared to what they were. I think this is just a result of getting used to the new rhythm, rather than expecting the one of her auntie and uncle's home. She no longer cries out painfully, "Auuunnttiiee, auuunnttiee..."
Here is the event from the time she said "You are hurting me". I was holding on to an idea that she still needed nap/quiet resting time. She wouldn't stay in her room. So I kept picking her up and carrying her back to her room. I tried to remain as emotionless as possible to diminish any irresponsible excitement she was trying to engage me in. In behavioristic fashion I was resolved to pick her up over and over again until she complied. Eventually (20+ times) this started to become painful under her arms. Also because I was being firm (resolved) but not angry, she wasn't used to this disposition.. and said "You are scaring me." A few days later I gave up the idea of "quiet resting time" entirely.
About a month ago I stopped feeling like "I don't like being a mom". I'm so relieved that this sentiment has passed--- I thought it never would.
I never went back to trying marijuana, though I considered it deeply. I was drinking 1-2 glasses of wine after she was in bed; this lasted about a month. I haven't had any since New Year's and I am resolved to keep it that way. It was making me feel depressed.
Also, Veslemor, Thank you:
And then: Let's only reply if you have help and/or support to offer.
Satori- Why are people going on this forum not to help, but to tell a mama to give her baby away?
On one hand it's good to hear the unabated points of view (it's why I came.) Though without tact and empathy I felt completely bullied. There are some deep superiority complexes showing up. It's not helpful.
In defense of the color of life: Grown-ups who can manage their substance use (non-dependent, non-abusing) and mental health concerns (daily effort to cultivate mental health) can be fit parents. The presence of these issues does not bar the ability to be a good parent.