Oh Christmas...

[~Nikki~]

What do you all do for Christmas?

Our arrangement is supposed to be fairly simple.  I get the kids on Christmas Eve and morning.  He gets the kids the afternoon of Christmas day, and the following day (also a statutory holiday here).  We've toyed with the idea of simply taking turns every other year, but I can't stand the idea of NOT having my kids on Christmas morning, and think they would benefit from the stability of a rock-solid tradition year to year.

This all changed last year, when my ex moved to another planet (practically) and didn't participate in Christmas at all.

This meant that we HAD the kids the afternoon/evening of Christmas day, when we otherwise wouldn't have.  We took them to my spouse's family's house for Christmas dinner (which is where he and I go after the kids are picked up), and they really enjoyed it.  His parents (who the kids call Grandma and Grandpa) really loved having the kids there.

Which brings me to my dilemma.  Ex has returned to the country.  He - depsite abandoning the kids for a good 9 months - expected everything to just smoothly go back to the way it was.  I have no issue with following our agreement, and think it's good for the kids to resume their holiday traditions.

My spouse's family, however, is making a HUGE DEAL about it.

His parents are "heart broken" that they won't be seeing the kids on Christmas day.  My spouse has tried to fix this by setting up a little get-together on Christmas Eve, which of course means that our usual Christmas Eve plans (seeing other family members - huge party) will be scrapped.  Which are of course, hurting THOSE people's feelings.  Spouse's parents do NOT have any experience with divorce, and really don't get it. They think that because my ex skipped out on the kids, I should just tell him "where to go", and take the kids to their house for christmas like last year.  I'm trying to find a way to diplomatically explain that they need to see their father on christmas (as much as he doesn't deserve it...the kids do.)  And now they've flipped this into a sob story of "the kids love their father more than us."

Sigh.

THAT'S NOT WHAT IT'S ABOUT AT ALL!!

DH is on my side. Sort of. He sees both points of view, and is tired of my ex "walking all over me" and expecting me to just cater to him whenever he finds it convenient to be a father.  He's also hurting for his parents, who are getting on in years and realistically, don't have many more christmases left.

I'm just trying to do what's best for the kids, which is obviously, to see both of their parents on Christmas.

But HOW do I make everyone happy in this situation?  The kids are looking at either missing Christmas with their extended family (our usual Christmas Eve party) or their grandparents (as they won't be around for their Christmas dinner).  His parents are stubborn as hell, too. They won't entertain the idea of just coming to our house on Christmas morning, or joining us for the usual Christmas Eve party.  It's SO FRUSTRATING.

Anyone else deal with this tug-of-war on Christmas?  I won't even get into my own family's drama (I come from a divorced family, as well....what a mess!)

[VocalMinority]

We typically have less animosity about Christmas than what you describe, but even more groups of people to accommodate.  

To me, it's essential to have priorities very clear in my own mind, so that if/when others are disappointed/frustrated/disagree with me, I only have to deal with their feelings, not my own feelings of guilt or uncertainty.  It sounds like that is your only out, here, too.  You aren't going to make everyone happy, so don't try.  Do the right (or best) thing, feel confident about it; then be sympathetic to those who are disappointed - but without apologizing or letting them make you feel bad.  More than likely, they will eventually follow your lead and adjust to the realities of the situation.  

If your in-laws see that you're upset and consternated, they'll think you're unsure what to do...so if they keep telling you how upset they are, maybe you'll do what they want?  But, if you kindly acknowledge their feelings and how hard it is, to share children when everyone wants time with them - but let your in-laws see that you are rock-solid about your decisions - after a while, they will probably conclude it's fruitless to keep hounding you.  Perhaps they will even see that, if their true priority is to see the kids, they could come to your house Christmas morning.

I think your instincts are spot-on:

1- Dad has only missed 1 Christmas with the kids and he should be a priority, over the step-grandparents (no matter how close the kids are, to them).  They are 100% wrong to make it a contest between who the kids love more.  They SHOULD love their dad more than their step-dad's parents.  Even an imperfect dad.  Kids are supposed to love their parents.  Tremendously.  Unconditionally.  You are supposed to support them in that, as much as possible.  If he celebrates Christmas and doesn't spend it with his kids, make sure it's his own fault, not yours, for making your husband's parents more important.

2- Tell your husband how wonderful he is, for not wanting to see your ex walk all over you.  (The better you make him feel, the more likely he is - somewhere in the back of his mind - to remember the old, Biblical adage about a man cleaving to his wife and leaving his mommy.  Because part of what he's upset about right now is that his mommy's upset...and she's being unreasonable.)  But show your husband that you're strong and clear-headed, not weak and victimized.  You have to be a better parent than your ex is, and that includes extending him opportunities with the kids, no matter what kind of jerk he chose to be, last year (or last week).

3- If you make it difficult for Dad to see the kids on Christmas and he takes you to court, you will likely lose half the remaining Christmases in their childhoods.  Alternating Christmas morning is pretty standard.  Pleasing your stubborn in-laws is not worth losing the good arrangement you have with your ex, now.

4- Your Christmas Eve party with your family is a long-standing tradition.  It should not be sacrificed because your in-laws want to start a new tradition.  They have only had the kids over one year and it was clear to everyone that the time was their father's and the kids were only with the grandparents because their father wasn't available that one year.  The grandparents could adjust and make coming to your house Christmas morning their new tradition.  Otherwise, you can resume your old tradition with them.

Now, you'll make things worse if you explain everything to everyone, in this much detail.  It's better to throw around a lot of, "I know it's disappointing.  It's hard, with divorce, to divide up the kids' time.  I wish we could please everybody, or have them two places at once."    In your own mind, though, you can feel confident and unwavering, because your priorities are solid and clearly-defined.

Merry Christmas!

[~Nikki~]

Thank you for your reply.  You brought forth a lot of the points that I was already thinking, and I'm definitely more confident knowing that my instinct is probably correct.  I ran it by my parents, as well (who suffered through the "divorce dynamic", themselves) and they agreed that I absolutely cannot bar their father from seeing them on Christmas.  It's not fair to the kids (obviously) and it could cause tremendious issues in the future, legally speaking.  Just because HE only follows the portions of our custody agreement that he feels like, doesn't meant that I have the right to stoop to his level, like a tantruming child.

DH has agreed to talk to his parents to see if they will come to our house.  They've done it before, but they are getting on in years, and don't like the drive.  If it doesn't work out, we'll have to plan another day.  We have the kids the week of Christmas, and have taken vacation time as the kids are out of school.  There's no reason we couldn't go another day that week, if necessary.  Yes, from their vantage point, it won't be ideal.  It won't have the same "magic". But that's just how life goes.

If I know their father, he'll skip out on them again soon enough, and the grandparents will have plenty of Christmases to spend with the kids.  As sad as it is, the kids take each weekend with their father as potentially their last for awhile, as he has a history of taking them once, and then disappearing for months at a time.  They KNOW that this may be their last Christmas with him.  Of course they'll want to see him. 

So now we just get to deal with DH's parents (and his nosy brother who forcefully throws his "expert opinion" at me constantly - gems like "If he doesn't pay child support, don't let him take the kids!"  Genius....) and try and demonstrate the legal point of view, here.  I'm not sending them to their father's because I'm a weak-willed idiot.  The kids aren't "choosing" their father over their grandparents.  This is a custody agreement.  It's life.  It's not always awesome.  But it's the way things have to be.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by ~Nikki~ 

...and his nosy brother who forcefully throws his "expert opinion" at me constantly - gems like "If he doesn't pay child support, don't let him take the kids!"  Genius....)

Oh, how I love those people who haven't been through the wonderland of family court, but are just sure they know that what sounds fair - to them - is also legal and enforceable.

Heck, even from people in family law, my DH has gotten comments (regarding his ex-wife just flagrantly ignoring court orders), like, "Well, that's ridiculous.  She can't do that."  Yeah?  Well.  She did.  What are you going to do about it?  Find her in contempt?  Already done.  Issue an injunction?  Done.  Take custody away from her?  Done.  At this point, exactly how do you think someone's going to make her follow court orders?  Go ahead and try.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by ~Nikki~ 

There's no reason we couldn't go another day that week, if necessary.  Yes, from their vantage point, it won't be ideal.  It won't have the same "magic". But that's just how life goes.

It is what you (well, your ILs) make of it. If your ILs will huff and puff that they got jilted and ended up with a less "special" day, then yes, it won't have the same magic. But if they take 5 seconds to realize that the calendar date doesn't actually have magical properties, and that the magical feeling comes from the people making it special, then it'll feel warm and cozy and loving no matter what day it is.

We celebrate Christmas with my mom the day after Thanksgiving, a full month before the real day, and it feels EXACTLY like the real thing, because we make it so and embrace it! We make a point to always talk about the "Christmas season" rather than talking about it as just one day, so that anything between Thanksgiving and New Year's is a perfectly acceptable day to celebrate Christmas with various friends and family members. And on the rare occasions when someone has pouted that we weren't going to visit them on The Day, I just look at them quizzically and say, "Oh my, I can't imagine trying to pack everything into one day - thank goodness there's a whole Christmas season so we can fit in lots of leisurely visits instead of a bunch of rushed ones!" I haven't met anyone who can argue with that reasoning - it's basically saying, "Listen, is your goal to actually spend TIME with us, or just to see our faces on December 25th?" A person arguing for the latter would sound pretty shallow.

Hopefully your ILs can find the maturity to embrace a "Christmas season" visit. If not, they have no one to blame but themselves if they choose to view their visit with the kids as "less than" simply because of what the calendar says.

[greenemami]

Didn't read the responses, so sorry if this is repetitive :)

I think you are doing the right thing by giving the time to your dad.  They are right that he doesn't really deserve it after disappearing on them, but good for you for putting aside your personal feelings and thinking about what the kids need. 

We switch off on Christmas Eve/Day every year, so this year she will be with her mom for Christmas Eve and morning and we will pick her up around noon to spend the rest of the day into the 26th with us.  Next year will be the reverse, we will have her for Christmas Eve and morning.  It stinks splitting the day, but nobody wants to give up having christmas morning entirely and it works out pretty well, better now that she is older and doesn't get so exhaused from having so many Christmas celebrations in one day!

We also switch off years with my family and dp's family.  This year we will go to his parents house on Christmas afternoon after we pick up dsd and do presents, etc.  Next year will be my parents (which means that dsd is never at their house for Christmas Day, since she would be going back to her mom's before we left.) 

When it is not that family's year for Christmas day, we do Christmas another day-so we will be celebrating with my family the weekend beefore Christmas this year (which dsd will be there for.)  This works out really well for both my family and my siblings' famlies, since they also have to switch off with in-laws, though no other blended family issues.  It has taken some time to nail this all down, but knock on wood it works.  Would your dp's family be willing to celebrate another day so they can still enjoy Christmas with the kids?

Also, I would hold firm on your Christmas Eve plans-that is not fair to anyone except the gparents-could you do something with them earlier in the day on Christmas eve? I have flat out said that I will not make plans Christmas Eve or Christmas morning because I want to spend it at home with just my family, even though it would sometimes be convenient to be more flexible for others. 

Oh, and by the way, what on earth is the sob story of the kids loving their dad more than their gparents?!!!!! Uh, yeah, presumably they do and that is as it should be?  That just strikes me as an odd thing to say...unless, the kids have had very little relationship wtih dad (besides the 9-month separation issue) and spend tons of time with gparents?

This was really long, but I hope it was helpful somewhere in there :)

[Allie74]

I a grown child of divorce, and i can tell you what i did as a kid. Christmas eve and Christmas morning I spent with my mom and grandma, and then Christmas afternoon i spent with my dad and all of his family. My dad and his wife spent Christmas eve with her family. I am very fond of my stepmother's family, but there was no way to fit seeing them into Christmas as well. Since Thanksgiving wasn't as important to my mom, I usually went for Thanksgiving with my dad to see my stepmother's family. I do feel for stepgrandparents who love a stepgrandchild, but I do think seeing biological parents for Christmas has to take priority. As much as i do like my stepmother's family, my priority will always be to be bioparents first. As an adult I have actually gone years without seeing my stepmother's family. I like them, but now that I am married with a baby, I have inlaws, my mom, and my dad all to see. I have 3 families to see. I'm not adding a 4th family to be obligated to see. But I do keep up with her relatives on FB and i think they understand that its just not possible for me to join in on holiday celebrations with them anymore now that i've gotten married and have 3 families. For a kid though I think it  becomes very difficult if both Mom and Dad get remarried, and then essentially a child has 4 sets of grandparents. There's just no way to see all the grandparents for holidays, and usually it will be the stepparent's family that loses out cause the priority is to see the biograndparents.

Maybe since your child's time is divided between seeing you and your ex, and there isn't room to fit in seeing your husband's family for Christmas you could do a belated Christmas with them maybe New Years Eve. You could leave the tree up, and it still would be during the Christmas season. Maybe you could also get together for another holiday. Christmas can become heated with everyone wanting to see the child on Christmas which isn't possible. See your husband's family other holidays as well, like Easter and 4th of July. That way they get to form a relationship with your child. With stepfamilies I think family needs to realize that it does become impossible to see relatives that have multiple families to see on the actual holiday. Compromise is needed. There is no way to make everyone happy. I think the most important thing to do for Christmas is to do what makes your child happy. That is what matters the most.