When you find out you have more than one child with special needs

[kathteach]

My older son has ASD and it looks now like my younger son has some special needs as well. In my heart Ive known for a long time, but to accept it is very hard. I know this is awful, but for a long time I banked on my younger son as the proof that I wasn't a bad mom, that I didn't cause my older son's problems. I feel devastated and depressed, and worried and scared for my youngest for all the struggles he goes through and will,go through. For years I kept hearing from drs, teachers, and families that he would grow out of it. I'm broken-hearted knowing that may not be so. I'm sad for him because he suffers.

I could use some support. Can you tell me how you felt when you found out you had more than one child with special needs? How you turned it around and learned to see the situation positively? 'Cause right now I just feel down.

[Peony]

 Big, big hugs from me. This is a very bitter subject for me honestly. My oldest (DD1) has always had something going on, she was so intense from birth, she ended up with dxs of anxiety disorder, SPD, and dyslexia. Everything is still such a struggle with her. DD2 has had life long health issues, from birth literally. She is 6 years old and her only dx is asthma when it is so much more then that. She was actually tested (yet again) for cystic fibrous today. I don't know, No one knows with her. We just bounce from hospital to specialist, to more testing. Obviously we never knew this was how it going to be with her. It was always next winter will be better, or which we start these 4 new medications, she will be better, and continue saying that for 6 years. 

So when DS1 came along, he was my normal child. I said that for years, like he didn't have a choice. He is ASD. I have to laugh or else, you know, you cry instead. We did end up with a "bonus baby". DS2. I expect nothing these days, I know better. 

I know I didn't cause my kids issues. I know that deep instead and rationally, but irrationally, there are those many days when I curse DH and I's genetic gifts to our children (he has issues himself). I know I am a good parent logically, I mean look at how hard I have fought for everything for them, but I also created this 6 person family that has very intensive needs and issues. There is only so much I can do in a day and it isn't ever enough. It couldn't be enough in other children, and it certainly isn't enough with mine. 

Thinking positive? I don't know. I've been down about this for years so I'm not sure how much help I can be with that one. The one thing that I can come up with is that despite DD1 battling her own daily demons, she is very sensitive to other SN kids, she is almost 10 now and excellent with other kids. I do not doubt that ultimately she will probably end up with working with children in some capacity. And the ones that just need more? They seem to flock to her because she does often understand them. I do enjoy seeing that, the awareness that she has that daily life isn't always so easy for others when i remember never having any awareness of children who were different when I was her age.

[Heavenly]

I have 3 children.  The oldest and the youngest have special needs.  The youngest isn't officially diagnosed yet and living with her is....well most days I wish I could just run away from home.  Unfortunately I don't have any words of wisdom.  I am still trying to figure out how I can handle two with special needs.  I am thankful for my daughter that is "normal" so at least I get to have some of the parenting experience I was expecting.  Sorry, it is really hard. :(

[~cassie~]

I have 3 children.  The middle was born special needs, it wasn't until my oldest was about 5 that we really knew there were issues there(ADHD, some SPD) and now my youngest we think has something going on as well(just a little SPD we think :) ) but it was and is hard.  I try to not see them as "not normal" bc then I think of all the things they should be doing.  Instead, they are their own unique self and I focus on all of the little things they accomplish every day! 

[SoCaliMommy]

 I have 3 kids 

 1st  Age 9 has ADHD inattentive type, auditory processing issues and speech issues 

 2nd is 6 has auditory processing issues and mild speech issue and possible ODD

 3rd is only 1year old.

[goobergrl6]

DS 1 was "normal" for the longest time. We know DS # 2 had some delays but they kept snowballing. He has ASD, SPD, anxiets, and a speech and language delay. Then DS #3 came along. Noticed a dent in his chest. He has pectus excavatum. Mild still, but he is young still so we have to watch it. However I still had my "normal" DS #1. Then he got an eye exam.....found out he has ambliopia. He was 7 when we found out. SUPER late. Usually you catch it earlier because kids have a lazy eye. He never had that. If we had not had my FIL notice the difference in his 2 eye scrpts was a sign we would of never known. (Thank you Target Optical for not telling me) If we had not found out it would of gotten worse and could of ended up with him going blind in one eye. We were lucky to find out and get it taken care of with patching and glasses. He still has his weak eye but it is better then it was. Needless to say baby #4 is due in Feb and I am just waiting to see what we will face with her. I know it could be worse so I try and remind myself of that but sometimes I just want to know WHY!

Lisa

[velveeta]

I'm another mom who's here with you! I came to read the forums today bc I am feeling so overwhelmed by my three kids (and due with number four in March). They are so intense! The oldest has most challenges emotionally, and has improved so much this last month on low dose naltrexone. My middle boy is sweet, I literally believe he is a reincarnation of some super not-of-this-realm entity. And he has the most physical problems. He has a surgery next week, and I feel so scared for him. (It is not ultra high risk, but WHY HIM?) and now, I think my baby girl is just responding to my stressed-out-ness of it all.

So many supplements. I just want to quit sometimes. And all the food issues.

I was about to delete my ultra non helpful post, but I guess I could say that we also have days that are not like this at all! Beautiful days when I can see how my children are the sweetest there are. It is their (and my!) sensitivities that make them challenging, but unbelieveable lovable, too. My overwhelm right now comes mainly from my concerns about my middle boy's surgery.

I wish I were coping better, so I just called my therapist. I haven't yelled at my kids in so, so long, and I have been screaming the last few days. :-( I am also still quite nauseous bc of pregnancy.

[bcgamermom]

I have 3 kids, my oldest is 9 from a previous relationship and has autism, SPD, and ADHD. I always liked to blame my son's father for most if not all of his neurological problems. My 4 year old DD is neurotypical, a total ballerina princess girly girl. now my 2 1/2 year old DD developed normally until just after her first birthday and then she lost her words and her signs and started to drift away. It took me about 10 months of trying to convince myself that nothing was wrong before I finally said well maybe some speech therapy and got a referral for speech, by the time we got to see the speech therapist she had already turned 2 still had very few words, most of which were just parroted from tv shows, but after a lot of work was finally signing again and had at least 100 signs so communication was happening, she had developed some pretty bad OCD type rituals and had all but completely stopped sleeping. After seeing the speech therapist and having her confirm that dd was not making eye contact and was using language in a very "atypical" way I decided to call the child development center that had worked with my son years ago and get my doctor to put in a referral to the pediatrician. The OT (same one that my son had) has come out to see us now and she has more or less confirmed that all my fears are not imagined and she really does have some very serious things going on, she is sensory seeking, walks on her toes exclusively, flaps her hands, has limited speech, doesn't sleep, has 2 hour+ tantrums, doesn't make eye contact.... you get the picture. We see the pediatrician tomorrow and hopefully she will make a referral to the autism assessment network so we can have her assessed. I've had to go through a lot of emotions, let go of it because I can't change it and come to grips with the fact that I can't blame my DS's father anymore. Most parents get to share the blame for autism, I'm the only genetic link between the two kids so I unfortunately don't get that luxery. The really amazing thing is when I watch the two of them together, they have an amazing ability to calm and focus each other, maybe because they live in the same world. DS is able to tell me exactly what dd needs when she is in a complete melt down he can look at her and look around the room and it's obvious to him what is bothering her so I know that no matter what they will be there for each other and now he finally has someone in the world that understands him and how his world works. I also know so much more this time around, autism is our life, adapting situations is the norm so it's not as big of a change this time around and it's less scary.  

[mom2mygirls]

first of all hugs, I have four with special needs I have four with autism it is hard at first but as time goes on it does get easier you just learn to cope. it's not your fault and it does not make you a bad mom.

[sydsmama]

I'm so sorry you find yourself going through this. Not really what you envision when you embark on the parenthood journey is it? We have three kids, the oldest and the youngest being our SN kiddos. When I was 8 months pregnant with our youngest my oldest (8 at the time) changed overnight from a calm, happy little girl, to an obsessive compulsive, terrified kid. Turns out she developed PANDAS, a neurological disorder caused by an autoimmune reaction to strep. We will deal with this until sometime in her late teens to forever. Her symptoms come and go, but are HORRENDOUS while flaring. We were scared out of our minds, but knew that we could handle it. We have a great supportive group of friends and strong belief in a God who cares.

Fast forward 4 months and my newborn, who was born with one birthmark, starts developing numerous cafe au lait spots all over his body. He also has tibial dysplasia, both together giving him a diagnosis of Neurofibromatosis type 1. It's a genetic disorder (his is a spontaneous mutation) with a myriad of problems that could come up. I googled it and had a four day cry-fest/freak out. It's very likely that he will suffer pain and possible disfigurement throughout his life. For months I was sad beyond words.

BUT, as I hope you will experience, after repeated deep breaths and lots of prayer, I wake up most mornings thankful that my kids can hear me say "I love you", and that there ARE good days. The worry never really is far off, and sometimes I still cry in the shower (LOVE long showers for emotional detox) but we try to see the positives and not worry until we have to. And you know what else helps if you have the time, or can make the time?? Help someone else who could use some TLC, even if its just a friendly phone call every now and again, or picking them up some groceries while you're getting your own. When I force myself to do this it really does take my mind off my own stuff. And I'm glad I did it .....and don't forget "me time"! Two totally opposite actions, both helpful. At least for me.

[earthmama4]

I struggle with this too. I have three on the spectrum from my first marriage. On my good days I can say its just genetics with some environmental triggers....on my bad days I feel like an utter failure. Like some person from the govt should take my ovaries and brand me defective. I have two more children from my second marriage and though they are NT as far as I know, I know I would need major therapy if they were ever dxed with autism. I am terrified of that cuz then the only common factor would be me. 

There is so much fear and anger that goes with having SN kids. For me for a long time I blamed the environment and modern lifestyles. We made radial changes hoping it would help the kids. It didn't. I have yet to find anything that "fixes" them. Still, I find myself consumed with worry that something I might do or not do would either prevent them from getting better or be one of those triggers in my "normal" kids. Its a terrible burden for a mother to bear. I need to find a way to let it go cuz parenting is hard enough without all that guilt and worry. I probably need major therapy already, LOL, but who has time? I am lucky to get a shower. 

(((hugs))))

[Kamiro]

I hear you all, and I wish I had advice.

I did have some success with "Behavior Balance DMG" with my ASD daughter. At 6 years old she got potty trained within a week of taking the stuff. 6 long years of diapers and I began giving her that stuff and she got potty trained. No way I think that is coincidence.

My youngest daughter pays absolutely no attention. Her head is always in the clouds. When she asks something, shes asks me 3-4 times. Why does she do that?? She also does the echola. I just have to love them, and give myself grace..

Hugs ladies. It isn't easy...