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I was asked out

post #1 of 14
12/3/12 at 7:13pm
Thread Starter 
Not exactly. But a man from my church asked if I'd be ok if he called and asked me out. I responded that I wasn't sure. And you know what? That's the truth. I'm not sure. I have only been separated since August. Yes, unhappy for years and plotting and escape for years. But still it's so painful and I just don't want anyone around. What if it's me that is hard to get along with? I have two kids and this man has four kids aged 2-6. That's a lot of kids. How can you tell someone sure you would welcome friendship, but nothing more. I know eventually I will move on, but right now I need to find me and I don't want to make the same mistakes I made before. I think I married STBXH because I was on the rebound from a breakup with someone I really loved. I used him as protecting to get guys to stop hitting on me. I really think I need a year to put myself together. And divorce to be legalized and it would be easier if STBXH found someone first. Part of me does not want to be the first to find someone new. 1/3 of my life was spent married to this man that in the end rejected me. I need some time to heal my soul.
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post #2 of 14
12/3/12 at 8:06pm

it sounds like you are sure that you don't want to date for the next year or so. And it's perfectly cool to tell a guy that. If you're open to friendship, then you can be friends with him at church or at places where you might run into him with the kids, but there's no reason to go out with him to have a friendship. At some point, you might feel comfortable enough with him to expand on your thoughts and share some of what you shared here, but I don't think an explanation is necessary other than you don't want to date until you are divorced and ready to move on.

post #3 of 14
12/3/12 at 8:11pm

It does sound like you should tell this guy that you're not quite ready to date yet. You could also tell him that you'd be happy for some friends for now and perhaps the kids would like to get together?

post #4 of 14
12/4/12 at 1:37pm

I wholeheartedly believe in taking time to realize who you are as a newly single person. I did; probably should have taken more time, even.

 

I'm in this place myself -- too much transition to feel ready to begin a new relationship. I may take things too seriously. but I think it's unfair to date when I have no intention of following through with anything.

post #5 of 14
12/4/12 at 2:20pm

You're smart to take this time for yourself!  You need it and deserve time to process how you're thinking and feeling, before you devote time and energy to someone else.  Having a chance to know myself (and to know that I am totally fine on my own -- something I maybe never fully realized before) has been really important.

post #6 of 14
12/4/12 at 3:02pm
Thread Starter 
I realize I have been in tottal survial mode the last several months. Going from stay at home mom to single mom working full time has been busy. But it kept me from thinking about me. Something I have been putting off. I have been keeping myself busy till I'm to tired to stay awake and starting right in on work and kids as soon as I make up. Any weekend I haven't had the kids, I haven't faced myself. I have been running off to spend time with friends or family, never alone. I need to start making time to think about me. It is very hard. I am thankful for family and friends that were able to help me and be there for me, but I think the next step is to be ok alone.
post #7 of 14
12/4/12 at 3:39pm

yeahthat.gif
 

post #8 of 14
12/5/12 at 5:34am
Sounds like you know what you want to tell him. And I agree, two months isn't long at all.
post #9 of 14
12/5/12 at 11:00am
Quote:
Originally Posted by rubelin View Post

it sounds like you are sure that you don't want to date for the next year or so. 

I agree with this. You sound like you're doing so well and that you're ready and willing to listen to what you want and need. You've come a long way already. Good for you. :)

post #10 of 14
12/9/12 at 4:35pm
Thread Starter 
I met up with this man and told him I was only interested in friendship. That's it. I just have too many fears. He seems pretty angry over his own divorce. He has four kids aged 2-6. I already raised someone else's kid and was the evil step mother. I'd rather not go there again. Though his kids seem nicer than that child. She is 19 now and still hates me. He seems rather angry about the idea of paying child support and though from what he says his x sounds like a flake, I already fell for that sob story with STBXH. In th end I felt bad for his x wife before me. As he talked I had to wonder if he was a tad bit controlling. Just exescaping from a manipulative relationship I am extremely fearful of that. And he has debt from supposedly his x. I fell for that one before with STBXH. He blamed it all on her. And he is 51. I am only 36. I don't know that just seams a pretty big gap but I know as we get older it doesn't matter as much. I just like being in control of my life. STBXH has been nice lately. Still not paying child support, but he did restart paying my car payment and insurance. I would not have a car payment if he hadn't talked me into getting a new car last spring. Thankfully we traded cars and I have the older car with a smaller loan. STBXH asked if I would go bowling with him and the kids. Not happening. I got out once. I don't know that I have the stength to get out again.
post #11 of 14
12/9/12 at 6:46pm

Still angry with ex and talking about it on a first date is a deal-breaker for me. As is bitching about paying child support.

 

True there are some situations in which anger is not unreasonable. And those are not situations in which I wish to become enmeshed.
 

It sounds like you are seeing a lot of red flags.

post #12 of 14
12/10/12 at 12:54pm

If he is speaking negatively of he ex I would say it doesn't sound like he's over his relationship either (or worse and will think this way of others). Even if you had been ready to date this guy, I think he's showing red flags.

post #13 of 14
12/11/12 at 7:54pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Findingstrength View Post

I met up with this man and told him I was only interested in friendship. That's it. I just have too many fears. He seems pretty angry over his own divorce. He has four kids aged 2-6. I already raised someone else's kid and was the evil step mother. I'd rather not go there again. Though his kids seem nicer than that child. She is 19 now and still hates me. He seems rather angry about the idea of paying child support and though from what he says his x sounds like a flake, I already fell for that sob story with STBXH. In th end I felt bad for his x wife before me. As he talked I had to wonder if he was a tad bit controlling. Just exescaping from a manipulative relationship I am extremely fearful of that. And he has debt from supposedly his x. I fell for that one before with STBXH. He blamed it all on her. And he is 51. I am only 36. I don't know that just seams a pretty big gap but I know as we get older it doesn't matter as much. I just like being in control of my life. STBXH has been nice lately. Still not paying child support, but he did restart paying my car payment and insurance. I would not have a car payment if he hadn't talked me into getting a new car last spring. Thankfully we traded cars and I have the older car with a smaller loan. STBXH asked if I would go bowling with him and the kids. Not happening. I got out once. I don't know that I have the stength to get out again.

 

Honestly, this guy sounds like he wants someone to marry to help with his kids. I would stay far away.

 

And from your ex, too.

 

Hugs, mama <3

post #14 of 14
12/12/12 at 2:21pm

I would keep away from him. Any man that complains about paying child support is not worth your time, IMHO.