TW bleeding :(
I had a really scary experience yesterday. I had walked most of the way home from campus (3 miles) and started feeling tired so got on the train for the last 2 stops. On the way walking up the stairs at the train station, I felt like I was accidentally peeing myself, but it didn't feel right; I didn't have a full bladder. I told my DH (thank goddess he was with me) I had to stop in a coffee shop and use the bathroom. I was bleeding. I had bled through my underwear and a big stain on my jeans. It was so scary. I was sure I had lost the baby at 16 wks, after I had finally stopped worrying about miscarriage. I called my midwife and she said I needed to go to the ER at the hospital my birth center is affiliated with, so we took a cab over.
The bleeding had mostly stopped, and the first nurse after we got into a room was so, so sweet. She immediately got a doppler and found the heartbeat for us. It had been about an hour since I found the blood at this point and I was overjoyed to hear a beautiful strong heartbeat. DH's first time to hear it, too, and he was in awe. I was still really worried though. They did an internal exam, ultrasound (my first), and Rhogam as I'm RH-. They could not find any reason for the bleeding, it had stopped, and my cervix was tightly closed, so we were released after about 4 hours (lots of waiting in between things).
On the upside, the ultrasound showed a beautiful baby, tons of movement, good measurements, organs, everything looking fine. It was sucking its thumb and fanning its fingers up and down while its hand was at its mouth. I couldn't stop saying "oh my god, oh my god." The placenta, cervical length, everything looked fine.
I woke up in the middle of the night back at home bleeding again, but much more lightly. I stayed awake for about 20 minutes and it stopped again. Called the midwife in the morning and she said that's not unusual after an initial bleed.
Of course, I am relieved that they couldn't see anything wrong, but after both bleeds, am worried sick, paranoid, and all of a sudden I feel so vulnerable. I had felt so strong and capable during this pregnancy, so proud of my body and excited to see all of the changes. Now I feel like a danger zone. I want to get back to the first place, but with every step I take today, I think, was that bleeding? Am I feeling bleeding again? I'm afraid to walk up and down stairs ... after I get up from a seat I glance down for blood ... etc etc.
I am so grateful to have this safe space to share. I would so appreciate hearing if anyone has had similar experiences in this or other pregnancies, or what you do to help yourself get back to those healthier places psychologically.