Feeling down...therefore, feeling guilty. Anyone else? « Back to Group Discussions

[SweetMama34]

I can't talk to anyone who actually knows me, because I'm so adamant about being positive and grateful about this pregnancy. I wanted this baby for years and years and worked incredibly hard to get to this place. My baby is healthy and growing, my husband is the most incredible partner I could have ever dreamed of and life is good!

So what's wrong with me? I'm really down. Is it just hormones? My morning sickness IS so much better and I'm grateful for that, but sometimes I still get sick - like last night, and the night before that, and right now even. I'm soooo nauseous and just can't eat. I don't want to go back on my Zofran/Phenergan, because I was so proud of coming off of it. I don't think I'm to the point where I have to do that, either.

I'm also just really sensitive. I feel lonely, because my friends are sort of fair weathered friends for the most part. I'm normally very active and social - I'm the one who calls people up to get together. I never realized that NOBODY does that with me. If I want friends around, I have to instigate - and it's bumming me out right now. I've been really sick and mostly stuck at home, and not one friend has come to visit me. A few checked in at first, but it's like they got tired of hearing me say I'm sick. I really tried not to complain too much, either....but I was truly miserable. :(

So comes the guilty feelings. What right do I have to feel so blue when my dream is coming true? My baby is growing inside of me, which is exactly what I wanted. Only problem is, I don't want to be pregnant anymore - I've felt truly miserable enough that I'm seriously considering NOT doing this ever again. Our plan was one more child after this - and I've told my husband I'm very, very interested in looking into adoption.

Not only do I know that there are women who would kill to be in my position, but I WAS one of those women for years. I wanted this baby so, so bad and said I'd do ANYTHING to be pregnant. Well, here I am...and I don't think I have the attitude I'm supposed to have right now. I really think if I wasn't so sick all the time, it'd be SO much easier. I'm just really worn out and not seeing any relief....13 weeks today....why am I still gagging and so nauseous? :(

[Sweet Huck]

Hang in there, SweetMama. Fatigue and queasiness can throw a big wet blanket over the cheeriest of us... not to mention the shorter days as we creep further into winter. Give yourself permission to have these feelings and "off days." Also, your blood sugar might be wonky if you're not eating regularly... and that can certainly contribute to moodiness and feeling low. Take care of yourself.  I would recommend trying to find some little things that comfort you--- weather it's warm tea, naps, or a bath, or another treat. Be kind to yourself.

I also really wanted our pregnancy, but have sporadic moments where I freak out and realize what a burden it is (and will continue to be) on my body. My friends don't get it, my husband certainly doesn't get it. It is our burden, my friend, as pregnant folk. Sometimes it's joyous and wonderful, and sometimes a bit (or more than a bit) daunting.

[SweetMama34]

Thank you, Sweet Huck. You are so, so kind.

[littlegreenlady]

Yes, be kind to yourself. Really the journey isn't always a struggle, but sometimes it is. When it is the idea of getting off is very real.  

Do something wonderful for yourself when you are feeling low. Write it down so you remember. If you can try to find a group of mamas that get together for support. 

I made some great friends attending meetings for new moms. Maybe going to a prenatal yoga class or somewhere where other pregnant women are gathered will help.

[Tenk]

I totally understand how you feel mama.  I remember feeling this same way with my last one, puking constantly, feeling nauseous constantly, taking phenergan every 4 hours and being sleepy from it constantly.  It's NO FUN AT ALL.  I felt a bit of resentment even.  Do you think it would help to talk to a councelor?  Please don't take that wrong, mama, just it might make you feel better.  Please don't feel down about your feelings now, it's normal and really does happen to a lot of women.  YOU are doing GREAT even if it doesn't feel like it right now :)
 

[SweetMama34]

Thank you all so much. I do see a counselor fairly regularly, and in fact, emailed her last night to get early next week. :) I don't take offense to that suggestion at all - I think therapy is a form of self-care and personal growth that we all deserve!

It's not that I'm sooooo depressed that I can't function - it's that I'm soooo sick that I can't function, which leads to me feeling depressed....and then resentful....and then guilty. The process makes sense, but that doesn't mean I like it.

I am going to take a tiny bit of Phenergan tonight, just to give myself a break to sleep and hopefully start the weekend off on a better foot. I think I was really bummed to hit 13 weeks and still feel gross. Plus, I was SO excited when I felt better at 12 weeks.

I wish I had more girlfriends, but the ones I thought I could reach out to are really unavailable for whatever reason. I have a beautiful family here at home that is SO wonderful to me - so how can I still be so lonely? I know it sounds really princess-ey, but I want everyone to surround me and distract me and hold onto me until I feel better. Waaaah....I am such a baby this go 'round! :P

[Tenk]

Originally Posted by SweetMama34 

Thank you all so much. I do see a counselor fairly regularly, and in fact, emailed her last night to get early next week. :) I don't take offense to that suggestion at all - I think therapy is a form of self-care and personal growth that we all deserve!

It's not that I'm sooooo depressed that I can't function - it's that I'm soooo sick that I can't function, which leads to me feeling depressed....and then resentful....and then guilty. The process makes sense, but that doesn't mean I like it.

I am going to take a tiny bit of Phenergan tonight, just to give myself a break to sleep and hopefully start the weekend off on a better foot. I think I was really bummed to hit 13 weeks and still feel gross. Plus, I was SO excited when I felt better at 12 weeks.

I wish I had more girlfriends, but the ones I thought I could reach out to are really unavailable for whatever reason. I have a beautiful family here at home that is SO wonderful to me - so how can I still be so lonely? I know it sounds really princess-ey, but I want everyone to surround me and distract me and hold onto me until I feel better. Waaaah....I am such a baby this go 'round! :P

Well, if you lived near Hilton Head, SC I'd meet you for coffee (or milk shake ;p).  I felt pretty darn good 2 days ago too and then last night was so sick I couldn't go to sleep :(.  It'll get better!!

[SweetMama34]

Awww, Tenk - sorry you were sick last night! That's the worst - when you can't even sleep through the ickies. :(

Today is better. Managed to sleep well (took half a Phenergan, though - darn it - I want OFF of that!) and then volunteered in the kiddos school this morning. Off to meet a homebirth midwife in an hour or so....excited about that. Still probably can't afford to do it, but it's always worth it to try and keep dreaming!

[dayiscoming2006]

I can't really afford my homebirth midwife, but I refuse to go to the hospital unless it's 100% necessary and I don't feel comfortable doing another UC. Last time I pretty much UCed because of the money, though I had thoughts of doing it in the past. The UC was OK, but I would have felt safer with a midwife there and really want that this time. We're giving up our tax return for it. Which stinks because that's usually the infusion of money we get to get any debt taken care of each year... oh well.

I haven't been feeling THAT bad. I have some serious food aversions, but if I'm careful to avoid those things, I don't have much nausea or anything as long as I eat regularly. Leading me to think it could be another boy. Or I'm kind of scared since this pregnancy actually has been my easiest with nausea and stuff that I might have a missed miscarriage. I haven't had any ultrasound yet. I hope to get one at a crisis pregnancy center next week if they'll have me. I have a mild cold and my kids have had colds all week and have been acting out and it's been quite the challenge. I have really been regretting getting pregnant for a few weeks now. I am so sad about it and then I feel terrible because I love all my kids so much and wanted this pregnancy. It's just scary to think of adding more responsibility on top of everything and I have no friends or family in the area. I'm hoping I'll have a church soon. We'll start going at the beginning of the year.  It's been stressful. It's so sad when I sometimes get the thought that this would be so much easier if this would just end in another miscarriage. Such a horrible thought. I don't really mean it. It's just times where I'm sad and struggling to handle the 3 I have. I was very positive in the beginning of the pregnancy and then reality started sinking in. I'm actually seriously afraid of going through labor and birth again because it was VERY painful last time. It's painful every time, but she was my BIG baby. 9lb 3 oz and very hard to push out, though I didn't tear. I think I have to avoid my birth story. I read it the other day and that is what got me freaking out about it. LOL Not a good idea. Better to not remember too well. Fuzzy brain helps in this case. 

So, anyway, I understand how you feel sweetmama. I'm sure this will all pass. Pregnancy can be tough. I think it's even harder when you have a family to take care of.

As far as the nausea thing. With my first 2 pregnancies, I had some uncomfortable nausea until around 14 weeks. With my third, I had nausea and some sickness until 18 weeks. That ended up being my girl. So, if you aren't typically sick throughout your whole pregnancy, then you may get some reprieve in the next couple weeks. Hang in there.

[SweetMama34]

Thank you dayiscoming2006 - I remember you from somewhere - TTC boards, maybe? In any case, congrats on your pregnancy....glad you're here...nice to see a familiar face, so to speak. :)

I just wanted to tell you that I had similar thoughts about miscarriage this time. I think it was a combonation of my intense fear of actually losing the baby, combined with the misery I was feeling - I figured, "Just take the baby now if it's going to be this miserable." That feeling went away the further along I got...now that I've heard the heartbeat and saw the little stinker flipping around in there (and even felt it a few times!), I can't imagine not moving forward. I KNOW it'll be worth it, but the patience it's taking to get to the point of bliss and ectasy is wearing thin.

I hope your little ones are over the crud really soon! Hang in there, mama!