Originally Posted by Mummoth
Is it at all possible that you aren't getting the whole story from your husband?
He hasn't told me a thing. He refuses to talk to the SD about it in detail or the BM. All he asks SD is if she is feeling better. The answer is always Yes. They don't have really indepth conversations. The only reason we know is she text me thoughout the day, every day... I don't just want to "harass" her about it, or she will ignore me as well. I ask, she answers, I give my 2 cents, and it's done.
Maybe the mom is actually doing a lot about the situation, and the information just isn't getting back to you?
And I have no idea what she is actually doing. I wish my husband would ask her. He refuses to talk to her. I cannot talk to her. I used to, but was reminded real quick that my SD is hers and my husband's problem and I have no say. So I can't get involved with her, only talk to my SD.
Being a SAHM, there are times my kids stay home that a kid with a WOHM might have had to go to school but not back to back days for extended periods of time and there's a specific explanation (if it's just a head cold but their nose is so drippy they can't put the kleenex down, how much learning are going to do that day, really?)
And I understand this... But me personally, if my kids are going to miss 2 days in a row, I go to the school and get work so they aren't behind. But after 2 weeks and there was not a single book home or any work to be done. My SD was skyping with us every single night b/c she didn't have school the next day. She was bouncing off the walls,didn't look or even act sick.. Just an observation... And I understand if I was home, my kids could stay home and get better for a day or 2, but not weeks.
One reason kids pretend they're (or actually really feel) sick is to try and avoid being bullied. One thing that is probably appropriate for anyone to say to a kid they love, is that if they are dealing with a problem that they don't have to face it alone, tell an adult.
I do believe that is a reason that she changed schools. She is very overweight, and is borderline diabetic. Everytime we get her in the summers, we take her to her doctor with us, and he checks her levels. It's awful. This year they were so worried that she was about to have a heartattack and she is very young. Within 8 weeks, she lost 21 lbs. We didn't even put her on a strict diet. We just controlled portions and limited carbs.. We also had her super active. My SD says she loves school, and has the best friends ever..
It seems like a lot of step parents try so hard not to step on the bioparents toes that it undermines their own relationship with the kid. Seriously, if it'd be appropriate for an aunt, grandma, or a teacher, etc to say to her, then you can certainly say it to her, too. Kids this age will roll their eyes and act like they think you're a big dork... but they remember it when they need that information.
My SD thinks I am such a big dork!!! But she does call me to do things that her BM isn't doing. I tell her that her BM is doing all she can do, that I can't call her docs or teachers when she isn't here... I love her to death. I always text her back, and tell her if her mom needs help that she can ask me, but I can't go behind her mom's back.
I am the biomom, and have sole custody. My son has been having some behavioural problems since being reintroduced to his biodad (and biodad's girlfriend). Recently, DS ran away during a visit with them and after we'd found him and insisted that we talk out the problem, the GF was acting like the whole thing was completely out of left field. It shouldn't have been a shocker that DS might take off, he's done it a few times in our care too, and I tell XH about it every time! I've been sending update emails every 1 - 2 weeks. I'm certain he isn't sharing a lot of information with her. He says things in his emails as though he doesn't have knowledge of things... like, last week I scanned and sent a copy of the kids report cards and he answered back about DS's (dismal) report that sometimes there are support workers in the school for this kind of thing, when I've already told him there's going to be a care plan meeting at the school. It felt pretty bizarre having to re-cap things that I'd already told him, until I figured out that she's not always in the loop. I BCC everything to DH so he's up to speed and just assumed XH was doing the same thing.
I'm sorry to hear about that...
I always inform her BM when she is with us if ANYTHING comes up that I would want to know. Now, she doesn't return the favor, but my husband doesn't ask either. I ask for report cards, and my SD mails them to us from her school. She knows she gets new scholastic books of her choice when she makes good grades. And if they aren't good grades, I pick out only "educational" books. It seems to work out for her. She likes it. It not rewarding her, but giving her more options... I wish her BM included us, but that will never happen. But I don't blame her or going out of her way, if my husband doesn't show concern to her.