- 3,635 Posts. Joined 6/2007
- Location: MA
- Select All Posts By This User
- topicPersonal Growth
Related Forum Threads
- your thoughts on facebook Last post on 5/23/13 at 7:17am in Personal Growth
- Being a perfectionist, especially while pregnant, anxiety too, how to let go? Last post on 5/13/13 at 2:40am in Personal Growth
- How to tell mother I want to spend mother's day with my own family? Last post on 5/9/13 at 3:36am in Personal Growth
- Guilt/shame/self-hatred over child's imperfect behavior Last post on 4/28/13 at 8:59am in Personal Growth
Guest Blogger: Halfway to Normal's Kristin Tennant on The Love...
Edited on 3/31/13
- Guest Blogger Cathy Cassani Adams on Self-Care as a Gift to Your...Edited on 3/31/13
- Riding the Roller Coaster of Pregnancy and Becoming a Parent
I need a point of view from someone who has lost a spouse...post #1 of 312/9/12 at 7:44pmThread StarterI need a point of view from someone who has lost a spouse... not sure which forum to put this in...I have two kids, my fiance has three kids. We're engaged, but no wedding date set yet. My fiance's Wife died pretty quickly from cancer 2 1/2 years ago. I've been with my fiance for over a year now. He assured me when we first started dating that he was ready to move on and start dating and has for the last year shown no signs of not being ready... until last night. The younger two of my fiance's children are dealing okay with the loss of their Mother- they're 5 and 8 years old. His 12 year old daughter has Depression and is seeing a therapist. My fiance and his oldest daughter have really been butting heads lately and fighting constantly. Last night, we were on our way back from a 2 hour car ride and they started arguing in the car. Long story short, my fiance told his daughter that she needs to move on, she needs to start living her life again and she's not the only one who's been hurt by the loss of her Mother. Then he said, "You lost your Mother and yeah, that's rough, but my WIFE died and I'm in agony every single day now." I was right there sitting in the passenger seat next to him when he said this. It's been bothering me ever since. The issues with his daughter bothers me, of course (that would be a whole different post, but she does tell me that I'm the only one who "gets" her), but what he said in the car about his Wife has really been bothering me. Does that mean I'll never be enough, I'm just a replacement, he'll never get "over" her, what? I thought he was "okay". I refused to date him until he'd assured me he was "okay" and that was over a year ago. Leaving is not an option- I love him very much and I've bonded with his children, especially the 12 year old. Should I slow down alot, should I suck it up and accept that he's probably missing her every time he's with me, what should I do, what should I think of the situation? How can I help him deal? SHOULD I help him deal, since I'm probably the reminder that she's gone and I wouldn't be here if she was? I'm really sad and really confused right now.post #2 of 312/9/12 at 8:31pm
I don't have any answers, I am more n your shoes. Dating a guy who lost he love of his life. The only thing that brings me comfort is that when I had each child, I did not have to stop loving the previous one to love the next. There is room for all of it. Enough love for everyone to be loved in their own right. Just because BF loves and misses his previous GF (he never got the chance to propose. By the time he got to her she was on life support.) doesn't mean he will not be capable of loving me (his commitment issues seem to be coming from somewhere else entirely) fully. That is what I tell myself anyway. I expect she will always hold a place in his heat, that it will always be reserved for her. but that does not mean that he cannot love me. Weather or not he will is another story but I don't blame his love for her or hold that love against him. Does that make sense?post #3 of 312/9/12 at 8:33pmMy first husband was killed many years ago. The anniversary of his death was yesterday. I will never get over losing him. I have been happily married to my current husband for 9 years. I love him with all my heart. He is not a replacement and I do not think about how I lost my first husband every time I see him. They are separate people and I love them both.
It took me a while to accept my first husbands death and that loss has made me so thankful both for the time I had with him and for every day I have with my husband now.
I'm not sure how to answer your questions. I love that my husband is not threatened by my love for my first husband. He knows yesterday was a hard day for me and offered a hug and acknowledged the anniversary. I don't think there is much you can do except be there for all of them including your fiancee. You can encourage counseling if that's helpful and listen.
You will never replace his wife. That pain will make him who he becomes and never leave totally. That doesn't diminish how he feels about you or make him love you less.
I'm sorry for his loss and the childrens' loss and wish you all the best as you travel this journey together.
- I need a point of view from someone who has lost a spouse...
- Guest Blogger Cathy Cassani Adams on Self-Care as a Gift to Your...
- › ~Weekly Chat Thread for May 24th-May 31st~ 11 seconds ago
- › Need advice- obsessed Grandma causing problems 1 minute ago
- › 11 Years of Horrendous Bleeding! 3 minutes ago
- › How do you respond to 'Why do they have more than us'? 4 minutes ago
- › Anyone thinking about diapering yet? 5 minutes ago
- › When can you offer a child you hardly know a ride home? 7 minutes ago
- › Who is packing? 12 minutes ago
- › Chapter Books with Diverse Characters for 7 year old 15 minutes ago
- › ~+~+~+~+~ May 2013 Chat *~*~*~*~* 18 minutes ago
- › I'm out :( 22 minutes ago
- › Medela Pump in Style Advanced Breast Pump with Shoulder Bag by matope
- › Philips AVENT ISIS Manual Breast Pump, White by matope
- › Bebe Au Lait Nursing Cover by matope
- › Lansinoh Lanolin for Breastfeeding Mothers 2 oz (56 g) by matope
- › Philips AVENT Washable Nursing Pads, 6 Count by matope
- › NUK Ultra Thin Nursing Pads, 60 Pack by matope
- › TRADITIONAL MEDICINALS TEAS Mother's Milk Tea 16 bags by matope
- › Leachco Snoogle Total Body Pillow by matope
- › Boppy Nursing Pillow with Slipcover by matope
- › Glamourmom Nursing Bra Tank by matope
- › Pause for Presence: A Personal Reflection by Marcy Axness
- › Ina May Gaskin Reviews Groundbreaking Book,... by Melanie Mayo
- › Why We Homeschool by Melanie Mayo
- › A Mama's Peace by AmandaK
- › 7 Simple Recipes to Bless a New Mom by Melanie Mayo
- › Closing Up Shop: Life After Vasectomy by Melanie Mayo
- › My Heart Growing Fonder by Melanie Mayo
- › Happy Simple Baby Love by Melanie Mayo
- › Buying Pot for my 11-Year-Old by momofnatasha
- › Making the Grade by Melanie Mayo