help needed please

[cherrytree01]

Hello, I'm new here and new to forums etc,

I have 2 kids aged 7 and 15 my boyfriend has 2 kids age 6 and 7 and a step daughter age 14 (that he doesn't really bother with)

my problem is everything lol....

I feel when he has his kids 3 nights a week he doesnt want me and my youngest involved, he has stopped us going round in a school week as he says he needs time with his kids alone, we are just allowed out with them on a sunday, this i feel is unfair if we are going to have a life together and eventually move in together, we have been together 2 years but known each other as friends for much longer including the kids etc....i feel like my little one loses out as he has 2 kids that play together, mine however is alone, so while hes got his kids out and about mine is stuck in with no one to play with except me...he doesnt seem to care about my kids, just his and their interests....

he always coming mine but as soon as he has his kids hes gone!

its feels like he doesnt want me and my child involved with anything with his kids, his kids like me and my kids although they do fall out sometimes over petty things.

I just dont know what to do, ive talked to him about it but he gets angry and says the same old stuff......he also wants holidays alone with his kids, this makes it hard as i havent got the money hes got to take my kids away all the time.

i have to add my ex husband only sees my youngest 5 hours a week and does nothing for them and takes them nowhere, i feel trapped and lost, i feel i need my bf to help me out here but hes too busy with his work and kids to even bother about my needs.....

I could go on and on :(

Hope someone can help, even if I am to blame!

Thanks x

[skycheattraffic]

Youre not to blame but maybe he just isn't as interested in long term plans as you think. Has he said he wants to move in together? I don't know you guys at all but it seems that his priority is his kids (which is a good thing) but it doesn't make him a good partner to blend families with. I would sit down with him one night and ask where does he see this going? If he likes things as they are then he's not really looking to blend families. If he says he does want a future together then tell him that your needs aren't being met and tell him what you need. FWIW if I only saw my DD three times a week, at least one of those would be dedicated one on one time. I don't think he is doing this to hurt you or your kids but he is trying to maintain his relationship with his kids. Blending families is hard and divorce is hard too. It's a shame your ex doesn't pull his weight but you can't hold that against your BF. If you live separately and see each other most other days, perhaps that is as deep as he is able to get involved right now. I have a feeling that he is doing what he thinks is most important (be a reliable presence for his kids) and may need time before going further. 6 and 7 is pretty young and I understand his need to shelter them and give them as much of his time as possible. I'm sorry if I'm not very encouraging but this is what my gut is telling me. I think the more you push, the more it may feel like you're trying to get between him and his kids. You need to have an open conversation to figure out where each of you is coming from and decide how/if to move on with this relationship.

[cherrytree01]

hello there,

I know he has his kids best interests at heart and I know he needs time with them alone, but I feel we are getting pushed away more and more, he said he wants a future with me.....maybe if my kids dad was more involved and more helpful then I wouldnt feel so pushed out, I just feel for my kids and feel they dont have a dad that cares and now my boyfriend doesnt care about them either and it breaks my heart! I love that he loves his kids, but his kids want us there, they love us going round and for days out, I feel maybe hes a little jealous as they are all over me when we are there and not him!

I just feel if we are planning to be together one day then we need to get the kids together and let them know how its all going to be, and treat them all the same.....

its all just too much at the minute, i talk and talk to him but he just cant see my point of view at all.......

we have different lives too, he has money, has free time when his kids arnt there, can come and go as he pleases, me on the other hand, work and look after my kids alone, no one around to help, i feel trapped and i feel hes not helping me in anyway, we have been through a lot together but i feel if he cant see my point of view and how its making me and my kids feel, then we cant go on..............

hes the type of guy who brushes everything under the carpet and hopes it will all go away...

Thanks for your reply, you gave some good points :) really appreciate it x

[mtiger]

Honestly? It's not his job to help you with your kids. Not financially, nor with time. Does your 7yo have no other friends than his two kids?
 

[skycheattraffic]

I can empathize with your frustration and hurt feelings but it seems like you two don't have the same goals right now. Maybe he is afraid of getting in too deep in case it doesn't work out and doesn't want his kids getting too attached so they wouldnt be hurt as much. Whatever his motivation is, he seems like he is happy to keep things the way they are for the foreseeable future and you have to decide if that is a deal breaker for you. Your kids absorb what they are exposed to and they will pick up on your unhappiness. If this arrangement causes you so much grief and hurt then it's not right for you to continue. if your BF is a sweep it under the rug type now, he is not going to change for no reason. You need to look within and figure out what you need to stay in the relationship and communicate that to your partner. If you feel like your concerns aren't addressed or even heard, then your kids will be much better off with a happy single mom than a frustrated mom who feels stuck in an unproductive relationship. Having gone through a lot together is not what makes a relationship solid. Each person needs to feel heard and understood and valued for it to be a working partnership.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by mtiger 

Honestly? It's not his job to help you with your kids. Not financially, nor with time. Does your 7yo have no other friends than his two kids?
 

I agree. Not unless you are married and even then it can be 50/50.

If I were you I'd find new friends and find friends for your children. Stay busy enough with your life that it won't matter what he is or isn't doing. Don't make him the focus of your life or make your life revolve around him. He's just a man.