or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Single Parenting › Not sad about divorce, other people think I'm weird
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Not sad about divorce, other people think I'm weird

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 

The only thing I am sad about is that he didn't love me enough to try harder. And my self esteem is a little lost. But in general, I am happy and excited about life again and it feels great. 

 

So last night I was at the store getting stuff to make dinner for a guy friend and myself, and I ran into someone I knew. I told her I was making dinner for him, and she got all like 'you're dating again' and blah blah. It wasn't a date, but if it had been what would the big deal be? STBX and I have been broken up for almost two months officially, and we were broken up for 7 months out of last year, and have been working on breaking up for most of this year, too.

 

I think everyone thinks the divorce is my 'fault' because my ex is 'such a nice guy'. (In fact, that guy friend I made dinner for told his parents that my ex seems like a nice guy. grrrr) Well, everyone who knows me on these boards knows THAT is not true... but even if it was, it's my right to decide when to end my marriage, and the insinuations about not trying hard enough and that I shouldn't date or whatever people's complaints are, are starting to piss me off.

 

It's okay to feel okay, right? And what do I say to people who doubt/judge/whatever?

post #2 of 12
I don't think there's anything wrong with the way you feel. When you're done, you're done, and it's easier to move on. There hasn't been one day in the last 4 years (since I split from the ex) where I've missed him or wished we were still together. No one needs to understand how you feel but you :smile.gif
post #3 of 12

I've found that the people who were most harsh about divorce were the ones who were divorced within the next 5 years. I think it was a fear thing.
 

post #4 of 12
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklefairy View Post

I've found that the people who were most harsh about divorce were the ones who were divorced within the next 5 years. I think it was a fear thing.
 

 

Actually, that makes complete sense. Thanks!

post #5 of 12

I was married for 18 yrs and DH was horribly verbally, financially, and emotionally abusive for most of that time.  It has been a total relief not having him around here.  The peace in my home is just extraordinary!   I have not shed one tear over him nor will I probably.  The marriage was "dead" so long ago that all my grieving in that regard is done.  I have strong emotions about other things (such as the 3K owed me in child support, of which I've only received $60 and now Christmas is upon us), but I am not sad about the divorce, not one bit.
 

post #6 of 12

I can blame myself for everything, even things well out of my control. I can blame myself for the sky being blue iykwim.

My ex and I were together for 2yrs, and married for like 4.5 ontop of that.

I finally asked ex to leave, he got violent (he never had before, but I always steered clear of hard things and either ignored him or did what he wanted. we NEVER argued because he was completely illogical and I knew he had something bubbling below the surface. his anger isn't rage tho, it's like a toddler throwing a tantrum) and when things cooled down he pretended like it never happened. A week later he served ME with divorce papers, drained joint acct, hid kids, and ransacked house with help of his parents.

 

for the next year, year + I kept expecting to feel guilty about my marriage breaking up. I didn't miss him AT ALL and infact my life got ever so much better. single moms warned me it would be harder being single and it hasn't been. Quite the opposite since all my ex did was cause stress and demand more attention and care than my 1 and 4yr olds.

 

It's been 5 years now (well, 5 in feb) and I feel like karma or whatever is rewarding me for making the right choice. I've never been this stable financially nor happy emotionally EVER, even as a child.

 

Seems to me however that divorced folks either get married within 3yrs or not for a long long time. I was lamenting to my sister that I must be broken because I haven't dated anyone since. I can blame fact I was working 80+ hr weeks and traveling constantly....hell, I can't even reliably do housework most of the time. You'd think now that I am making 4x what I was when I was married (and I was breadwinner then too) I'd hire someone to clean for me once a month or something....LOL.

 

I did try to take ex to therapy and I explained why I was unhappy*** - and it was pretty good reasons too, and therapist looked at ex and said "well?" and he replied "she was happy. I think she has PPD and you should give her medication"

therapist (swear to god) rolled her eyes and said "well, if you are happy and she's not....don't you think she deserves to be happy too?"

to which ex replied "just medicate her will you?"

(mind you, my son was nearly 1 at this point, and I was complaining about the same stuff I did before we had the kids)

 

I realized then that no matter what I did, no matter what I was willing to do....he wasn't going to do ANYTHING to make the marriage work. Sadly he's exerted a TON of effort trying to make my life miserable since the divorce. heck, my half of the legal fees of him dragging me back and forth to court for the next 18m cost me 30K. His parents bankrolled him and he probably spent over 40k. He makes less than 30/yr. *sigh*

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*** Incase you are curious, my complaints were that my ex (while he did work) had been at same job for err....8yrs at that point, still is at the same job now, and would complain how it was MY fault he was unhappy there and how he couldn't quit because it was my fault too. He went to work and clocked exactally 8hrs, came home and sat on the couch and played video games or watched tv. He was rude to the kids and NEVER helped me.

I did all the cooking, cleaning, yardwork, car care for both of us, scheduled his numerous drs appts and had to monitor and refill his meds otherwise he'd be a total jerk to me and the kids because he wasn't taking his meds and he "felt bad" and then would feel bad when he started taking meds again (he believed despite docs tests I forced him to run that he had asthma and severe allergies and some sort of skin issue. he wouldn't listen to docs and wouldnt' take his meds per directed)

He started showering once every 2 weeks ("skin issues") and stopped wearing deo because it made his pits itch. when doc prescribed using women's deo like dove...he refused. I bought him like 10 diff kinds. his coworkers would leave deo on his desk and he'd come home crying (the other kids were mean to me!)

he also gained over 100lbs clocking in at 6' and 350+ and we live in texas. IMAGINE the smell.

I did all the bills and worked side jobs to pay debts and try and make our meagre income spread far enough, and he would randomly spend hundreds of dollars (our combined salary was like under 3k a month and we didn't have a dime to spare after daycare and bills!) and not tell me causing overdrafts and inability to pay bills. He would shrug and say "you'll figure something out" and when i'd make extra money he'd claim half as his for games or toys and say "well, you can spend YOUR half on CC debts....mine is going towards a new game console" etc.

and then there was the sex issue (altho after the bathing thing came about....not so much.) i'd beg and plead and do everything possible to try and coerce him into it, and he'd just be like "i'm tired/sleepy/itchy/etc" or even pretend to be asleep. it's truly amazing we had 2 children, honestly.

 

It came down to he was constantly stressing me out because he was so darn grouchy....and I spent more time dealing with his stuff (car, meds, griping, etc) than I did the children who actually should have been cared for. Not to mention I was getting NOTHING out of it.

FWIW I was given the house since he couldn't afford it (his takehome is 1600/mth, and now he pays 500/mth child support out of that) and he's been living with his mommy/daddy/and 28yr old sister who has never left home since we seperated.

I've been paying for the house for 5yrs now (we lived in the house jointly for 3), have a brand new car, and a hefty nest egg. I was paying 1300/mth in daycare (before both started school) and with youngest starting kindy it's gone down to 700/mth now.

I just hope my kids learn from my example and not their dads! I'm trying to encourage the conclusion that a 35yr old man should not be living with his parents...lol.

 

 

My body image issues were in the TANK after that, never being terribly secure in the first place. I gained 70lbs with each of the two kids and lost it naturally as they weaned. plus the kids were chunks ;)

but at 5'9 and a size 4, and I have to say i'm not terrible looking and I have my shit together and I make good money now. I'm one of the sharper crayons in the box too :P

but when a 350lb man who doesn't bathe and had bigger boobs than me, which is pretty hard to do since I wear 32DDD, and is constantly covered in staph infections all over his face and body is turning you down....you can't help but worry about things like that!

post #7 of 12

When the subject of divorce remorse or consolation comes up, I grin so hugely and raise up on my toes and exclaim "oh, no, I am the happiest woman to be divorced EVER!" and whoever usually joins me in a chuckle.  Sometimes I high-five them, too, even if I'm talking to a 75 year old. Whenever anyone tells me they're divorced I give congratulations!
 

post #8 of 12

You don't have to explain or defend yourself. Only you know what was best for you. Stand tall and ignore any negative feelings from others!! Enjoy your new freedom!!!

post #9 of 12

It's your life, so why just ignore what others are saying. Live life to the fullest!joy.gif

post #10 of 12
I expected everyone to be sad when I told them. Not one person was sad for me. Every single one was happy for me. I was sad. But then crazy happy, then crazy sad. I'm getting better, but no one wants me to go back to that man, no one.
post #11 of 12
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Findingstrength View Post

I expected everyone to be sad when I told them. Not one person was sad for me. Every single one was happy for me. I was sad. But then crazy happy, then crazy sad. I'm getting better, but no one wants me to go back to that man, no one.

 

What I find interesting is that everyone assumes the breakup is because we didn't 'try harder' which is true on his part... and I probably gave up towards the end too because I was so fed up with everything.

 

I was just thinking this morning, either directly or indirectly, this past year I experienced a car wreck, miscarriage, and rape because of his actions and my response to them. Ugh.

post #12 of 12
Quote:
Originally Posted by provocativa View Post

When the subject of divorce remorse or consolation comes up, I grin so hugely and raise up on my toes and exclaim "oh, no, I am the happiest woman to be divorced EVER!" and whoever usually joins me in a chuckle.  Sometimes I high-five them, too, even if I'm talking to a 75 year old. Whenever anyone tells me they're divorced I give congratulations!
 

I get that a lot, esp when I was at my past job where I still had my married name as email info, but had returned to maiden (I started there just before we divorced and worked there 6 years)

 

the convo would usually go like this:

"oh, did you get married?"

"nope. divorced"

"oh! I'm so sorry!"

"don't be. I'm not"

 

LOL

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Single Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Single Parenting › Not sad about divorce, other people think I'm weird