or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Talk Amongst Ourselves › Personal Growth › I Figured Out Why I'm Angry/Resentful, Now What? (Might Trigger)
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

I Figured Out Why I'm Angry/Resentful, Now What? (Might Trigger)

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 

When I was 9, my biological parents signed me over to one of my bio-mom's friends from college, because my siblings and I were severely abused. When I was 14, my mom's friend had me admitted to a psychiatric ward, where she subsequently signed guardianship over to the state. After a few weeks (28 days), they told me that they were not able to keep me anymore, as it was a short-term placement, and I had stayed too long, so they moved me to the guardian's home. Because my case was not from that county, after 4 days, they moved me to the county where my biological parents had lived, and where I was born. A few months after that, they said because I had lived with a guardian in a different county, they had to move me to a residential placement facility in that county. Finally, after a year and a half of moving me around, they placed me in a group home, where I could stay for long-term. The houseparents there were very abusive. They would make me go out and rake the field (probably 2-3 acres), in the middle of summer without a break for water or restroom, they made one of the littler girls go out and rake, and when she begged them to let her use the restroom, they refused, and when she had an accident, they bought her disposable underwear, and told everyone to call her a baby, because she wet herself, they would make us stand in corner on our tiptoes, with hands up for hours, and got caught, they would make it longer, and yell demeaning, cruel things at us, on and on, things like that. I told my case manager, and he wouldn't/couldn't do anything about it. I told my previous guardian (who was supposed to be, I think, guardian ad lidum?), and she wouldn't/couldn't do anything about it. Eventually, my case manager found somewhere for me to stay, a foster home, with a single woman. I went there, and everything she said sounded so good. Spending time together, shopping, watching movies, swimming in her pool, teaching me to drive, cooking together, etc. So I said I would move.


Not even a month and a half after I moved, everything changed. There was no spending time together, there was no movie watching, no shopping, nothing. She told me I had to leave 5 minutes before the first bell rang to go to school (we lived only a few houses away from the school), and expected me to be home within 5 minutes of the dismissal bell. She had video camera system she used to make sure I did exactly that. I wasn't allowed to have friends over, I wasn't allowed access to the kitchen/food, during the school year, what I ate was breakfast at school (if I got there in time, or one of my friends saved me some), and lunch. During the summer, I was lucky to have a bologna sandwich in the late evening, after she got home from work, and sometimes, if she was feeling extra generous, she would leave the bones from hot wings she got at the bar at the bottom of the stairs for me, or a little bread, or something like that. I didn't have breakfast, lunch, snacks, and nothing to drink, just if I drank out of the tap from the sink.


Sometimes, when she would come home from the bar, she would bring a guy home, and they would call me down to do their dishes after they ate, and they would make fun of me, how skinny I was, how disgusting pale I was, how much of a "little b*tch" I  was, anything. If she thought I came into her part of the house (it was previously a duplex, and she stayed in the bottom half, with the kitchen, and the washer/dryer, and everything, and my part was the top, with just bathroom and a bunch of rooms) and stole some food, or money from her, she would come upstairs and yell at me, and throw things at me, and spit on me, and call me names. I remember one time, she found a bag of chips one of my friends gave me because they knew I was starving, and she started throwing table/lamps, candles, anything she could get her hands on, because she said I stole money from her and bought frivolous things with it.


One day, she actually took me out of the house, and we got Chinese food, and then we went to JC Penny's, because she had a "date" and needed some new clothes, and wanted me to fetch different things for her while she was out. I saw some shirts that were on really low clearance ($0.77), and when I took her what she asked me to bring her, I asked could I maybe have a shirt, just one? (I didn't have hardly any clothes. She took the clothes the group home sent with me and destroyed them, and gave me all her outdated clothes and my coat was ripped up and barely holding together.) And she screamed and yelled at me for asking, and told me didn't she give me clothes? why was I being so ungrateful? and after everything that she did/sacrificed for me! When we were leaving, she told me to get out of the car, I disgusted her, and I didn't deserve a ride home, and if I thought I deserved so much a place to stay, then I could walk there. I wasn't sure of the way, and so I just started walking, and hope it was the right way, then next thing I knew, she came up to me and said little tramp, get your a** back in the car, you're so stupid you don't even go the right way to the house. I feel so sorry for you, I just give you a ride home, but don't think I want you around. When we got home, I told her I want to call my case manager, because I couldn't live there anymore. I knew she hate me and wanted to make her life more easier and better. She called for me, and I started saying could they please find me somewhere to live else? I was making Lisa mad, and making her life miserable, and I didn't want to do anymore. Then she said, "Beth is done talking." and grabbed phone out of my hand. I tried to grab it back, and she said, "Hold on, she's assaulting me! I'm going to have to call police. She's trying to kill me!!!" She hung up phone, grabbed my hair, and slammed my head onto cabinet, chair, then counter, then threw me on ground. She called police and said my foster daughter being incorrigable, she trying to kill me, please come get her. I tried to get her off, I started passing out, (she was around 195/200 lbs, and I was 125. she was sitting on my chest), and she said I better stop. She smack me in my face and told me get away from her, the police deal with me know. She scratched my whole body up. Police came, I try telling them please could they help me? she hurt me, and hate me and don't want me around, and they say I just being ungrateful, and what do i think i deserve, she was so generous to let me in her house, when she not have me biologically, and she doesn't have to have me in her house, there's kids out there that actually get abused, and not just mad at their parents, and they don't have food, or clothes or anything. i tried telling them I didn't, and could they help me, and they said I was bad. When they book me to juvenile, they took pictures of how bad my injuries were, so that I couldn't say they did it. when I saw judge, i beg her too, please! please help me! she beat me, starve me, abuse me! and judge said it wasn't about what she did to me, but what i did to her.


after that, she came back and said "beth, please come back. it was just misunderstanding. i want you in my house, you're good girl, i love you, and you know you beling with me." and since nowhere else for me to go, i go. a few months later, same stuff still happening, except she has new boyfriend. they get drunk at bar, come home, i hear them being loud listening to music and drinking more. she goes to bed, but he's still up. he comes upstairs because they put his cds upstairs, and he says he coming to get some, then comes to my bed and asking me how am i, then starts to grab me, and put himself on me, and rape me. in the morning, i tell lisa, and she say he was never alone with me, i making it up. there i go just making attention for myself. i tell my case worker, and he ask her, and she say im making it up. so they don't do anything.


All this time, my previous guardian, supposed to be acting in my best interest, i telling her this things, and she says "i can't do anything. they won't let me do anything. i don't know what to tell you." she give me food sometime, and try and give me clothes but foster mom take them away, and i tell her she beat me and starve me and her boyfriend rape me, and she say nothing she can do.


That is why i'm mad. I'm mad at my previous guardian, who say she took it upon her self to help me, and help protect me while in all these different "therapeutic foster homes" but then say she can't help me. but see the bruises, and the cuts, and counting my ribs, and say nothing she can do. But at the same time, my biological mom, who blind and not have as much resources as my prevous guardian, my previous guardian say she should be just at fault as my biological dad, who raped and beat and abused me and my siblings, because she know what's going on, and didn't do anything. my previous guardian, i still have contact with her (but i want to cut, so much) she always say, 'well, you're mom know what going on, and she didn't stop him.' but she did the EXACT SAME THING but just expect me to forgive her, and tell her everything all right, and i love her still. mostly i think my biological mom might really *not* know what to do, because my grandma and grandpa treated her bad because she blind, and they think she not be able to do anything or be anyone, so they didn't teach her stuff. but my previous guardian, she "know all about the system" and "so educated" and she say the same things, but still say she can be protecting me??


I know i'm mad at her now, and i finally know why i'm so angry, and she always say she "did the best she could" and that she always consider me her kid, but to me, if you see you're kid getting beat, and starving, and abused, and bruses and cuts, you don't just say "oh, i tried calling people. i can't do anything." i tell her that, and tell her that if i ever saw anyone hurting my kids that way, i get them away, and try and save them, and even i would probably kill someone if they did to my kids what lisa did to me, they would probably be dead, if i could figure out how, but she just say she couldn't do that. she said she had to think of her kids before me, and if she tried to take me away, or save me, she hurt her kids, but sacrifice me.


I don't know what to do now. i can't believe she care about me of her kid, because she did not protect me, especially she took specific duty to protect me. now she say i didn't/dont want to be part of the family, because i always think she could have done something else, something to help me, to show me i her kid too, and she didnt.

post #2 of 9
Well you are certainly justified in being angry. You are going to have a hard time finding a therapist because few are going to be rigorous enough with boundaries to work with your laundry list of trauma. My dad started raping me when I was a baby. About a dozen other men did too. I was moved more than 50 times when I was a kid and most of the places I lived I was beaten. I have been homeless and I have stolen a lot of food in order to not die. I hear you.

They don't get to decide your future. What do you want to do? Who do you want to be? A friend had a signature line: you may have had a bad childhood but whether you have a bad adulthood is up to you.

It is true and not true. I have had to work hard on my communication and relationship skills. It is very hard for kids like us. (I'm on an iPad so typing is hard) but there is a book called The Body Remembers by Babette Rothschild. I just finished that and it is really helpful. Shame and Guilt is another book, I don't remember the author off the top of my head. The Courage to Heal is good.

You get to be angry but if you lash out at the world in general with that anger there will be consequences. I have lost a lot of relationships because people can't handle knowing someone as angry as I am. It is hard. In order to have people love me I have to stop being angry but I am angry because no one loves me. No one protected me. No one fucking gave a shit. And I'm not allowed to be angry about that or I am doing something wrong.

You aren't alone. This is a hard journey. My kids are the reason I keep trying. I love them so much. I don't want them to grow up with an angry mother.
post #3 of 9
I don't have any experience, but I didn't want to read and not post. What a terrible thing that the system failed you in such a horrific way. It makes me sick that all these adults knew what was going on and kept telling you the couldn't do anything. And now they try to justify their behavior... greensad.gif
post #4 of 9

I'm so sorry this happened to you. hug2.gif 

post #5 of 9

I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted to tell you that you deserve a peaceful, content life, and I'm cheering for you to get there!  hug2.gif

post #6 of 9

So sorry to hear of this OP.


I hope you find the support and love you totally deserve <3

post #7 of 9

I understand your feelings more than you will ever know. I struggle with this on a daily basis and I don't know what to do either. My heart goes out to you...

post #8 of 9
Originally Posted by tinuviel_k View Post

I don't have any experience, but I didn't want to read and not post. What a terrible thing that the system failed you in such a horrific way. It makes me sick that all these adults knew what was going on and kept telling you the couldn't do anything. And now they try to justify their behavior... greensad.gif

This happens far more often than people want to believe. It happens in foster homes, it happens in the places they "ship" you off to, and it happens after you are adopted. Just reading her post has triggered an intense reaction in me, making me feel all jittery, as though I can't quite breathe completely. I feel for you bMcNeal. My heart hurts with you because this trauma does not "go away". It stays with us. We have to try to fix the things that others have done to us...problem is---->who do you trust when you are so vulnerable? I know I don't trust anyone but my kids and they are far too young to ever fully understand the pain I carry. They unfortunately have experienced my meltdowns, my crying spells, my anger at everything/everyone. If you come up with answers, please fill me in. Ever hopeful that it will change and peace will reign....

post #9 of 9

Yup, they are too young to understand. I wrote down my whole story and published it in a book because some day I would like my kids to be able to understand why I am the person I am. I want them to be able to understand what happened to me. But I think they shouldn't know anything about the details until they are independent adults. It's really hard.

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Personal Growth
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Talk Amongst Ourselves › Personal Growth › I Figured Out Why I'm Angry/Resentful, Now What? (Might Trigger)