How to get Your Partner to be Supportive? « Back to Group Discussions

[Greenlea]

Yesterday I had my 20 week anatomy scan and the CD they gave me that was supposed to have all the pics on it, was blank when I got home. I was so upset, mad, even started crying. My DH then started this huge fight with me about me being mad. He said some mean and hurtful things and he's just not getting this whole pregnancy thing, which is odd because its out 3rd, so he's gone through this before.

He said this is our last baby because I can't get my emotions in check and can't control my mood swings and he's sick of it. Ummm, yeah hello! I'm pregnant - my emotions are high right now! Me being upset and crying because I didn't get the pics of my baby is upsetting. Why couldn't he just give me a hug and agree with me instead of starting a huge fight?

Then while I'm crying at the computer trying to figure out the CD, he comes back in wanting me to help him do something on Facebook as if nothing happened.  He gets upset with me because I can't just be mad for 10 minutes like him, then forget about it. No, I can't - usually because I need to talk things out, not just forget about mean things he's done. I mean he was yelling at me for being upset, while I'm standing there crying. I think a hug would've been more effective right?

I feel he has not been emotionally supportive at all during this pregnancy. I don't sleep well with my heartburn, restless legs, the kids getting up, being too hot, etc so I get even more emotional since I'm lacking sleep. Then he starts fighting with me about how he works harder than me and I have an extra day off than him. It never stops.

One time in the 20 weeks I've been pregnant have I asked him to get me a food I was craving. He came back mad at me because the store didn't have the flavor of ice cream I wanted! How is that my fault? Go to another store then! I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and meal planning; I'm making all the appts to see apartments and doctors; I'm doing all the Christmas shopping, bill paying, and staying home the 3 days a week he goes to work on setting up our new business PLUS I work full time. Why can't I just get a little support? Why is this so hard for him to be sympathetic to my emotional needs? When I tried talking to him about me needing to get out of the house, he wanted to know where and when with who - because apparently I needed a plan and it wouldn't work without a plan. I just want to go, I don't care where or when, just go by myself somewhere. Ugh.

Sorry, this is so long. I don't like to talk my family or friends IRL about it because for the most part he is a good guy and I don't want them just to see the negatives I'm feeling right now.

[firespiritmelody]

First, I would be DEVASTATED if there was a malfunction with the CD. I could call the office and tell them what happened and see if they either have an idea of what might be wrong, if maybe they can fix it (do they store the images to send to your doc?) or make another copy, or maybe they'd let you come in for another quick u/s to redo some pictures.

Your SO is being an insensitive ass and I'm really sorry you're having to deal with that. I don't have much advice but wanted to let you know I hear you. Maybe you need a sit-down heart-to-heart, preferably when you're well rested and fed so that you can stay as in control as possible and just lay it on the line for him. That sort of behavior is unacceptable. Yes, he may work more hours outside of the home, but that doesn't mean you're his slave or that he doesn't have to pull his weight AT home either. You're growing a person for god's sake.

If that doesn't work, maybe some counseling is in order. It'd be better to get this stuff straightened out before the baby comes, if possible. Once the LO is here, you're emotions are going to be even more "out of control" and if he's already having issues dealing with that, I don't know that it'll be better when babe arrive.

Good luck

[bmcneal]

I'm sorry everything is going on like this for you. :( I hope you are able to talk to him, like firespiritmelody said, and get that part figured out. And I don't know about your facilities specific system, but I know where I go, when they entered that I was there, it also showed the previous ultrasound(s) I had had, right there, where they could compare/contrast, so if your's is anything like mine, it (should) be no problem for them to print up another copy, if they can't offer suggestions/help you figure out what's wrong with the disc you have.

I hope things work out for you. Being pregnant can be exhausting sometimes, and unsupportive family/friends, especially partners, makes it that much harder. *hugs*

[bambihelton]

This is such a tough situation. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this at what should be such an exciting time in your life! 

Maybe you could talk with your SO and ask him what is making him so unsupportive of this pregnancy. I have a friend whose husband acted a lot like this because he wasn't ready to have children yet. But the closer she got to her due date, he got excited and began to really help prepare, mentally and physically, for them to bring baby home. I think that sometimes it takes men longer to create that bond with their unborn child than it does for us mothers, because we are the ones carrying them. I wish that I had more advice for you, but I just haven't been in the same position before to share my own experiences. 

As far as your anatomy scan goes, did you have your anatomy scan at your doctor's/ midwife's office? At my doctor's office, the ultrasound tech mentioned that they had been having trouble with CDs that other people brought in to have the pictures scanned onto them and that they were taking home blank CDs. She used her own CD and just had us give her $1 to cover the cost of her buying the CDs. She did say before I left, though, that if my pictures didn't show up on my CD, then I could let them know and they could scan the pictures onto another CD because they keep all of their ultrasound pictures in the computer until after birth. I assume it is just like any other medical record and has to be kept. Medical charts have to be saved for five years or more after the last visit of the patient, so I can only imagine that they still have those pictures for you to get another copy. 

[Kara9080]

Here are some virtual hugs ((((GreenLea)))) and as for being emotional, I almost teared up reading your post. Honest! I've been in your shoes too many times and I related with you 100%.

Others have asked, but have you called to see if you can get a replacement CD? I would be equally devastated!

There have been so many times that a good hug would have made me feel so much better and would have aided in this “move on” feeling the guys have. Sometimes my DH can do that for me but more often than not, he ignores me and walks away which makes me more emotional. Ugh. I also understand about not talking IRL to friends or family, I’ve BTDT. Online venting and support is very handy.

[1babysmom]

I'm so sorry. I would have been TOTALLY crushed and frustrated about the CD, too.  I hope they can remedy that!!!

As for your DH, I don't know if this is any possibility, but FWIW, I have noticed that my many times when my husband gets frustrated about things like this, it's not that he's mad at me (even if he takes it out on me, which usually gets an apology...USUALLY lol), but that he's struggling to understand me and how to adequately take care of me during a time like this and it just comes out as irritation, frustration, or anger.  Handling emotions is not one of his strong points, as he grew up with 4 sisters and just learned to tune out the emotional stuff because it was so irritating to him (usually it was drama related in their house, though...can't blame they guy! LOL).  I've had to have a heart-to-heart with him about how we need to start over in that respect, and he needs to separate me from his sisters, because it's a completely different situation, we are two halves of a whole, and I need him.  He's definitely improved, but I do think it's still very difficult for him to understand how to manage being a good husband when he can't understand why I am the way I am, how to "deal" with me appropriately, how to meet my current (and ever changing) needs, etc.  And I think he WANTS to be able to do those things and that, combined with the gap in understanding, makes it even more frustrating for him.

So I don't know if that may or may not even apply to you, but I just thought I'd mention it in case, because it's a BIG issue in our marriage.  Granted, I'm just a novice, as we've only been married 9 years (on the 20th!), so I may not have a clue.  But it's just been something that has really helped ME to acknowledge, because just bringing it to light has helped both of us.

[Greenlea]

I called the US office and I can go and pick up a new CD any time after 4pm today. I knew they would keep the images on file and I could get them, but I just wanted to look at them at home, and show my Dad when I got home, and show my Mom today when she came over. It was my 1st US and I waited 20 whole weeks to see my baby.  He thought it was ridiculous I was getting upset over something I could not control. Yes maybe, but I couldn't control the tears from flowing, sorry - a little side effect from pregnancy, right?

We are dealing with stress too with starting up this new business, and trying to find a new place to live by Feb 1st, and finances once the baby comes, etc. But I just feel neglected. Now, he does have an anger management problem; has since we met. But its usually kept in check. I asked him last night if he started taking his T-Boosters again (to boost testosterone for building muscle) and he denied it, but I think that might add to our fighting problems. I saw some in the cabinet. I'm going to ask him again about the T-Boosters and we'll see.

As far as counseling, he has mentioned me needing to go talk to someone because he says I have problems. He wants to know if I'm taking my vitamins, but then finishes the last of them without replacing them (like my calcium I need for sleep) and tells me its my problem and I have to go out and get more.  Really all my "problems" started when I got pregnant. I'm not a constant emotional wreck, but if I've had a bad day or am overly tired and get upset or emotional, all of a sudden I'm ruining everyone's day. But he doesn't help me, and I feel overwhelmed, and neglected. So once again its a constant run-around between us. I know it will get better, perhaps when we move out and are on our own instead of living with my Dad (as I know that upsets him very much), but 20 more weeks of this pregnancy cannot be like this.

I'll try talking to him tonight, but I really don't even want to go home after work. I want to stay away for a while. I want to go home once the the kids and him are already asleep. But alas, I need to go home and cook dinner and do laundry. Sigh.  

[Greenlea]

Just wanted to update because it has been like 99% better since we had a long drawn out talk/fight about our feelings that last night. He doesn't seem so angry right now and will even rephrase something if he feels it came out too mean. He still doesn't help out much with cooking/cleaning but puts the kids to bed almost every night now so I can either relax or get things done.