Parents treating adult children like..little children..

[micah_mae_]

My husband grew up never wanting anything. His parents had his room stocked with guitars/amps, a computer, a state of the art stereo system, a tv, etc. He went through 3 cars before we got married (at 19). 

Now that we are adults, he keeps turning to them when something happens and they keep fixing stuff for us. I don't want to sound ungrateful, I'm not..it's just..I feel like we're still teenagers. Why won't they let us be adults?

Recent examples all related to a vehicle:

1) DH complains about being a 1 car family, parents buy him a truck.

2) Truck breaks down and we can't afford to fix it just yet. He calls his parents and they pay to have it fixed.

3) He has a flat tire, I tell him we get paid THE NEXT DAY and he can wait. He calls his parents and they pay for 2 new tires.

4) Today he was driving home from AZ to TX. His truck dies. He gets towed and finds out it's the head or the gasket. Big $$ we can't afford right now. His dad is going to pick him up and tow the truck home tomorrow/Friday. I said we would save the money up to get it fixed in a few months and his dad says they're paying.

They won't let us pay them back and in the mean time I feel like crap! What can I do?

[MamaBookworm]

Just my two cents, but....

I married someone kind of like that, and he relied on his parents for a lot of stuff when we were younger (they paid off a credit card, gave us multiple cars,  paid his rent when he was in college, etc.). 

It drove me CRAZY, because I was raised by parents who provided a shelter and food for us, but once I turned 18, they charged me rent, and never helped me with anything in college. Never got a car or anything. My parents are awesome people, but they just didn't have any extra money, and are very nonmaterialistic.

Best to be gracious and not look a gift horse in the mouth. If you throw a fit about it, you are the one who looks like the ungrateful fool. I learned a lot about accepting generosity over the years, and insisting that we "do it ourselves" only drove a wedge between my husband and I.

I think the American culture has maybe grown a little bit too individual, and made us feel like it's bad to rely on extended family for anything. Of course, lots of material gifts come with strings attached, and that's a whole other story.

My in-laws eventually hit hard times themselves and have stopped with the lavish gift-giving.  It was actually kind of hard to watch my father in law struggle with his lengthy unemployment. That's when I realized his way of showing love was to buy things.

[micah_mae_]

Originally Posted by MamaBookworm 

Just my two cents, but....

I married someone kind of like that, and he relied on his parents for a lot of stuff when we were younger (they paid off a credit card, gave us multiple cars,  paid his rent when he was in college, etc.). 

It drove me CRAZY, because I was raised by parents who provided a shelter and food for us, but once I turned 18, they charged me rent, and never helped me with anything in college. Never got a car or anything. My parents are awesome people, but they just didn't have any extra money, and are very nonmaterialistic.

Best to be gracious and not look a gift horse in the mouth. If you throw a fit about it, you are the one who looks like the ungrateful fool. I learned a lot about accepting generosity over the years, and insisting that we "do it ourselves" only drove a wedge between my husband and I.

I think the American culture has maybe grown a little bit too individual, and made us feel like it's bad to rely on extended family for anything. Of course, lots of material gifts come with strings attached, and that's a whole other story.

My in-laws eventually hit hard times themselves and have stopped with the lavish gift-giving.  It was actually kind of hard to watch my father in law struggle with his lengthy unemployment. That's when I realized his way of showing love was to buy things.

You speak truth. I did at least get them to let us pay them back a little at a time as we can so that makes me feel better.

I think a big part of it is also that I have trouble showing gratitude. I feel it and I want to express it but I don't really know how to. I have a lot of trouble with social interactions like that...

[Basylica]

my ex was the same way. His sister is currently 28, about to turn 29 and she's NEVER left home, even when she was attending 4yr uni. He lived with his parents until he was 24 when he moved in with me, and we seperated when he was 30 - and moved back in with his parents.

He's 35 now and has no intentions of leaving. So his parents have 2 of their 3 adult children living at home, and the third spends ALL her free time over there despite having a home 60 miles away.

I don't get it. if my family lived close when my ex and I divorced I MIGHT have moved in for a few weeks, but I doubt it would be more than that. I left home at 19 and never returned. I left the state actually. LOL.

I just hope my kids understand its not normal. I'd feel like a TERRIBLE parent if my 35yr old kids were living at home and content. ugh.

[micah_mae_]

Originally Posted by Basylica 

my ex was the same way. His sister is currently 28, about to turn 29 and she's NEVER left home, even when she was attending 4yr uni. He lived with his parents until he was 24 when he moved in with me, and we seperated when he was 30 - and moved back in with his parents.

He's 35 now and has no intentions of leaving. So his parents have 2 of their 3 adult children living at home, and the third spends ALL her free time over there despite having a home 60 miles away.

I don't get it. if my family lived close when my ex and I divorced I MIGHT have moved in for a few weeks, but I doubt it would be more than that. I left home at 19 and never returned. I left the state actually. LOL.

I just hope my kids understand its not normal. I'd feel like a TERRIBLE parent if my 35yr old kids were living at home and content. ugh.

My BIL is 23-24 and lives at home. I'd be ok with it if they were doing something with their lives..bil works at a pawnshop and drinks a lot. lol What's crazy is that their family isn't even "close". They all live there and literally never speak. Bil stays in his room, fil drinks at his computer desk and mil does everything else for everyone...and her 14 cats.

[Basylica]

yeah, when we'd go over with the kids my ex would immediately run upstairs and play video games with his sister for the next 8+ hours. My ex FIL would sit in his bedroom and play racing video games or posting on his boards, and MIL would sit on the couch and watch baseball.

I'd be sitting there with the kids and going...well, this sucks. nobody would really interact with eachother.

Multiple times I came very close to storming out and taking kids and going home. like why the heck am I here?

Ex still works at the same job (pre-press graphics) he's worked at for the last err....13-14yrs. he hit the salary cap 9 years ago when my son was born. He would kvetch and whine about how he hated his job blah blah. I ended up writing his resume and submitting it to jobs FOR him and he still wouldn't even goto interviews!

his company would hire kids out of trade school and EXPECTS them to leave after 6-12m. he's been there for HOW LONG??

Infact I did the math the other day and i'd make more on unemployment than he makes working. I paid 1300/mth for daycare before the kids started school plus his gas and such, and he made 1600/mth takehome.

I guess I don't understand an adult who is content with his first real job, never moving, never learning, never getting raises. Who is totally ok living with his parents and having mom do not only his laundry, but his children's laundry. my son is 9.5 years away from graduating highschool and going to uni or moving out (I fully plan on being all "goto school, join army, or get a job and move out. but please come visit every day if you want!" lol)

I am not a betting woman, but I'd put money on a bet of my son moving out of MY house before my ex moves out of his parents.

[eirual]

Are they EXPECTING to be paid back? If not, cool, accept generously and maybe take what you would have spent on repairs and save it for something else (don't just blow it). If they're essentially forcing you to take a loan from them or buy you things that will mean living beyond your means (gas and insurance for truck) then I'd shut that down ASAP.

[LeighPF]

Both my and my DH's parents grew up in families where money was tight (or held very frugally) and for both it is a big deal for them to be able to give us money (his) or buy us things (mine). They are not excessive (mine) and it comes after we show we can take care of our selves generally. But my Dad outright said it at one point that it meant a lot to him that he could buy us X, which his dad never could, and that it would make a difference for us. I should add we got married at 19 and 20.

But we don't ask. We sort of asked for help with what financial aid said was his families 'co-pay' for law school (like 1% of the cost) and we asked my parents for a loan for our downpayment. But like what you are describing. 

What bothers you more.

1. That he asks

2. That they answer

Why?

Start there.

Paying them back. If being paid back in cash is not important. let it go. Pay them back in other ways. Be the super helpful one. The one who has the grandkids write cute notes and mail them. The one who always sends pictures.

[micah_mae_]

Originally Posted by eirual 

Are they EXPECTING to be paid back? If not, cool, accept generously and maybe take what you would have spent on repairs and save it for something else (don't just blow it). If they're essentially forcing you to take a loan from them or buy you things that will mean living beyond your means (gas and insurance for truck) then I'd shut that down ASAP.

I don't think so. Gas and insurance is totally beyond our means right now..but DH doesn't care, he wants convenience.

Originally Posted by LeighPF 

Both my and my DH's parents grew up in families where money was tight (or held very frugally) and for both it is a big deal for them to be able to give us money (his) or buy us things (mine). They are not excessive (mine) and it comes after we show we can take care of our selves generally. But my Dad outright said it at one point that it meant a lot to him that he could buy us X, which his dad never could, and that it would make a difference for us. I should add we got married at 19 and 20.

But we don't ask. We sort of asked for help with what financial aid said was his families 'co-pay' for law school (like 1% of the cost) and we asked my parents for a loan for our downpayment. But like what you are describing. 

What bothers you more.

1. That he asks

2. That they answer

Why?

Start there.

Paying them back. If being paid back in cash is not important. let it go. Pay them back in other ways. Be the super helpful one. The one who has the grandkids write cute notes and mail them. The one who always sends pictures.

Yes it bothers me that he asks. I feel like they look at us like "Oh poor m and b, they just can't afford life without being dependent on us." Even if that's not how they feel it's how I feel. If it were up to me I'd sell the stupid truck and put that money towards our debt!

[MamaBookworm]

Originally Posted by micah_mae_ 

I don't think so. Gas and insurance is totally beyond our means right now..but DH doesn't care, he wants convenience.

Yes it bothers me that he asks. I feel like they look at us like "Oh poor m and b, they just can't afford life without being dependent on us." Even if that's not how they feel it's how I feel. If it were up to me I'd sell the stupid truck and put that money towards our debt!

Yeah, the vehicle thing is tricky, because there are those ongoing expenses involved with it. 

Sounds like you and DH need to work out some money stuff. It's not really about the in-laws at all.

(Duh. Of course you know that.)

But I say that as a wife in a marriage where we have pretty bad communication and coping skills when it comes to money. We basically suck at money and are saved by living in a fairly low cost area and having professional skills that allow us to earn enough to compensate for our continual poor planning.

Is there any Dave Ramsey sort of thing for people who are not Christians? 

[micah_mae_]

Yeah they keep pushing us to do more and more that I don't want. For example for over 5 years mil has been pushing us to get cable. Why? Hell if I know. Probably because she feels her poor baby is being deprived. I don't want it because we don't need it nor would I let the boys watch it. Now she wants to get my 4 yo a video game "after all, he's already 4! He needs one!" <----direct quote. I would not let him play it, she knows this, yet I bet that's what he gets. 

[micah_mae_]

Originally Posted by MamaBookworm 

Yeah, the vehicle thing is tricky, because there are those ongoing expenses involved with it. 

Sounds like you and DH need to work out some money stuff. It's not really about the in-laws at all.

(Duh. Of course you know that.)

But I say that as a wife in a marriage where we have pretty bad communication and coping skills when it comes to money. We basically suck at money and are saved by living in a fairly low cost area and having professional skills that allow us to earn enough to compensate for our continual poor planning.

Is there any Dave Ramsey sort of thing for people who are not Christians? 

Yes communication is bad about money. He doesn't want anything to do with the budget or bills or anything. It's all on me.

I like Dave Ramsey, his program isn't religious.

[eirual]

Have you talked to DH about what he wants out of life in the next 5 years? I'd talk long-term goals and show him that it's possible to make them happen IF he gets his head out of his arse and starts making his own way for true needs, not wants. Share your goals as well- that you WANT to be able to handle life without running to parents, that you NEED him to be your family's protector by being financialy secure and capable and that running to mommy and daddy is a huge turn-off or let-down or disapointment or whatever it is.

The notion that people expect to maintain their parents' lifestyles at the age of 20 or 30, when it took parents 30 years to get there is a huge problem! You don't get fancy couches and a designer home with two cars in the driveway until you can pay for them in cash, AFTER being able to cover any repairs or emergencies or savings that need to be taken care of. ...you don't. Nuts to the Joneses, the Joneses are broke. It takes some sacrifices (some living like no one else) now so that you can be comfortable and wealthy (like no one else) later.

Good luck, I hope you can find a way to be understood and that he'll listen and respond to your needs. 

[micah_mae_]

Originally Posted by eirual 

Have you talked to DH about what he wants out of life in the next 5 years? I'd talk long-term goals and show him that it's possible to make them happen IF he gets his head out of his arse and starts making his own way for true needs, not wants. Share your goals as well- that you WANT to be able to handle life without running to parents, that you NEED him to be your family's protector by being financialy secure and capable and that running to mommy and daddy is a huge turn-off or let-down or disapointment or whatever it is.

The notion that people expect to maintain their parents' lifestyles at the age of 20 or 30, when it took parents 30 years to get there is a huge problem! You don't get fancy couches and a designer home with two cars in the driveway until you can pay for them in cash, AFTER being able to cover any repairs or emergencies or savings that need to be taken care of. ...you don't. Nuts to the Joneses, the Joneses are broke. It takes some sacrifices (some living like no one else) now so that you can be comfortable and wealthy (like no one else) later.

Good luck, I hope you can find a way to be understood and that he'll listen and respond to your needs. 

Thanks for a great reply!

DH and I have tried to talk..he suffers from depression and a mood disorder so he has trouble looking into the future. I'll talk to him again though and see if I can get through to him. Running to mommy and daddy is definitely a turn off. :(

I can't agree with your 2nd paragraph more, in fact I'm posting it on my facebook if you don't mind!

[eirual]

I don't mind at all.

Most of those "big ideas" come from Dave Ramsey. Have you read Total Money Makeover? A great and motivating read if you can get your hands on it- most local libraries carry it.

[camprunner]

My in laws weren't quite as bad but they did provide most of what dh wanted be it money, land (yes land! and not the piece we live on), or advice.  Luckily he didn't ask for a lot of material stuff however one thing I've realized after being married almost 12 years is that because neither he nor they wanted to "cut the cord" it pretty much destroyed our marriage.  Instead of learning to depend on each other and support each other, he chose to continue to depend on his parents.  At one point, he pointed out that he didn't NEED me. He had a free house (we only lived there for a year) and a free baby sitter.  I'm still here and we are picking up the pieces but had his parents forced him to lean on me, I don't think we'd be trying to put our marriage (back?) together.  We'd have a marriage we sort of built ourselves.

Just wanted to provide another prospective.  The gifts can be nice but make sure that your husband is leaning on you and not his parents in the rough times that create the marriage bond.