While DH is "on the job"...

[Jaxy]

Hi!

DS is turning 3 months Sunday and I'm simply in love! He is my first one (and probably only one) and I just love him so much :) I went back to work when he was 7 weeks, at 4 days a week (very flexible schedule, I work 3 days in a row then have 2 days off, then work 1 day, then 1 day off, which I like a lot!). I pump as much as I can at work but it's not enough so DH (who stays at home with DS) has to supplement with a little formula (it used to stress me out but now that DS is taking it without fussing I made peace with formula :P )

ANYWAY, my reason for starting this thread is because DH is always telling me how a whiny butt DS is... I try not to call home when I'm at work but each time I do I hear DS crying in the background and it just breaks my heart... I think that he is so fussy because he barely gets any sleep when DH is with him... While when I'm with him he takes regular nap (waking up at around 9, taking a nap a 12, 3, 5 then goes to bed around 9 or 10). When DH is with him he sometimes don't sleep AT ALL and finally falls asleep at 11pm (I get off work at 10pm). The thing is that I put him to sleep while nursing him and I think that's the problem... he misses the nipple! But what can I do? We can't afford me not working (DH is disabled and cannot work)... I offered him to work 3 days a week and he was all defensive, saying that he loves spending time with his son, that he's all right, etc... And me to say that they don't seem so happy, DH complaining of DS's moods, DS crying all day when I'm away... Then him to say that he can handle it. Yeah, he can handle it, but it breaks my heart to think that my son is unhappy 4 days a week!! I exaggerate, I know my husband takes good care of him, he just misses mommy's touch, doesn't know how to put his son to sleep...

Anyway, I don't now if y'all have any suggestion for me... If not it was good to vent hehe!

Thx :)

[skycheattraffic]

Try a paci ASAP! Try five different ones if you have to. Babies have a need to suck and bottle feeding doesn't meet that need. I stayed home with DD but I had to EP for ten weeks before she learned to nurse directly. If we didnt have a paci, she never would have slept! I highly recommend it as a nursing substitute when you're away. He needs to sleep and being overtired makes it even harder for him to fall asleep. Other than that, depending on his disability, maybe DH could wear him in a carrier around the house or take him for a walk in a stroller to lull him to sleep. In desperation we have resorted to car naps at our house more than once. if he doesn't take a paci at all, sometimes a clean pinky finger works for babies to substitute for the nipple.
I also remember DD falling asleep watching a quiet musical mobile above her crib. We used a baby swing until about six months for many rests/naps since she found it soooo soothing. We only stopped because she started to climb out. Ok these are my ideas for now. Good luck!

[modestmothering]

Sharing parenting responsibilities can be really challenging, especially when you feel you do a better job than DH.  But DH must learn.  And DS will learn, too.  

Have you tried to talk to DH about your strategy and ways that he can help DS's mood be a little happier with more napping?  All you can do, really, is bring the horse to the water.  He needs to learn on his own, and he will.

My DH is learning on his own. I try to give him my advice but now I just kind of sit back and relax and let him figure out his unique way to deal with DD.  You know, we are different people.  And although we share the same philosophy of raising children, we have different approaches.  

Sit back, relax, and let the parenting unfold.

[foxintheforest]

When I started school again after my son was about 6 months old it was super difficult for my husband some days! he definitely had a hard time figuring out how to get ds to nap (I had also been nursing him to sleep) what finally worked the best was putting him in our Ergo carrier and walking him to sleep. At first he would take 1-2 hour walks to let him nap the whole time, but eventually was able to walk him to sleep then carefully come back in the house once ds was in a deeper sleep and put him in the crib. sometimes ds would wake up anyways and the nap would be shot, but sometimes he would sleep for 2 hours! it took my husband a lot of patience though! there were definitely a lot of days I'd come home to a crying baby and my husband would just give him to me and take a break outside. I think it got better too as our son got used to me being gone sometimes.
 

[Jaxy]

Thank y'all for your advices! :)

DS was never fond of the pacifier so I never forced it... But now that you say it skycheattraffic, it is a wonderful idea lol! Actually last night all he wanted was to chew on my nipples all night so I gave him a paci and it helped a lot! During the day he sucks on it for 5 secondes and spits it out. But I'll still try to give it to him once in a while and get him used to it...

You are very right modestmothering, I got to step aside and let him figure it out... We both decided that I was gonna go back to work and let him stay with him 4 days a week, so be it. I'm getting better and better at letting go but sometimes I just "lose" it... Ideally I'd like my son to be happy all the time and I know it's just not possible. He has good and bad days like all of us!

[hyde]

How long does your husband wait to try to get him to nap? Maybe on the days you're with him you can work together to notice some of your son's early signs of tiredness (I feel for you re: the defensiveness, and am guessing you know better than I do how you might frame this so it goes over as gently as possible). His dad can absolutely work out his own way of getting him to sleep, but it will be monumentally more difficult if he's waiting until the baby is overtired and freaking out. At that age I'd still be trying for a nap every 1.5 hours, 2 on the outside. It's a short interval but if he could take a shot at putting the baby in the carrier/sitting in the rocker/whatever it is they do at around that time frame, it may lay the groundwork for sleep in a way that makes them both happier.

My husband doesn't have "the touch" either, and is generally less attuned to my daughter's attempts to communicate her needs. It drives me crazy to feel like he's letting her be unhappy and not doing enough about it. But his intentions are good, and it's interesting to see how their relationship is different from ours, including the ways she will or will not sleep with one or the other- we are different people with different tools, and the baby recognizes that.

[Jaxy]

Now that DS is 5 months and starting solids it's much better :) I learned to let go but also I guess he got really used to spend so much time with his dad!

Now the babysitter problem... lol! Since he was born we had our first and only date on Valentine's day (ds turned 5 months 2 days later) and we were gone for 4h30... When we came back at about 9h30 DS was screaming murder in the sitter's arms (and had been for an hour) and stopped instantly when I took him in my arms. He had a hard time breathing... I had never seen him like that before! DH said that he used to do that to him too... We won't be using a sitter very often (maybe once every 2-3 months or so for now) but the only thought of my baby being in such a state makes me want to cry :( I guess it's another thing to let go of...