Sibling Adjustment to New Baby? x-posted in GD « Back to Group Discussions

[sere234]

How are your older kiddos doing with the new babies finally here? In our house it's a pretty mixed bag.

DS1 is 27 months and is really enamored with Everett. Whenever E cries, DS1 runs to help him yelling "Mama! Baby Everett needs us!" and pats and sings to him. It's pretty dang cute. He'd smother his bother with kisses, hugs, and cuddles and never purposefully hurt him which is also a big plus.  He really seems to love and want to care for his brother and has adjusted to that really well.

It's the adults in his life that DS1 has a problem with, especially DH and I. He's started yelling a lot more and hitting. I'm not really sure how to respond sometimes and would love advice from moms who have BTDT. DS has always been a very energetic, expressive kid and when he's bored he tends to act out. It's kinda hard to keep him entertained at home now with it being so cold outside, and we're watching more TV than we should due to me needing time to nurse E and DH working overtime. I was looking at some pictures from earlier this year and it hurt to see DS1 so happy and smiley. I feel like he's angry or frustrated a lot of the time now and that makes me sad... I give him as much attention as I can with a new baby but it's just not the same I suppose!

So here's where I need help: When DS1 hits or kicks people, I tell him "No, I will not let you hit and hurt me/other people" and I move him to another area, give him a "rest" while I sit with him, or redirect him. He just won't stop though! This happens many times a day, though I try to help him use words when I see him starting to get upset. 

Also, the yelling. DS1 yells and screams when I'm on the phone, when I'm talking to other adults, and just generally to get attention. I tell him, "Mama needs to talk now. If you need me, tell me using words and I will listen." Sometimes I wonder if directing my attention to him when he yells is just rewarding his loud shrieks.... Not quite sure. 

He's also pretty attached to me now and gets very worried if he can't see me, calling out for me when I'm in another room, and wanting to stay nearby all the time. I'm sure this has to do with the fact that he stayed with family for a week while we were with E in the NICU. It's very clear he doesn't want to be away from me, and DH, at all now and of course we don't want to be away from him if we can help it.

Ugh, I just feel like I'm so serious all day, going from toddler crisis to crisis. Ordered the book Playful Parenting to try to get some ideas... Any advice from you clever mamas?

[tekcez]

Hope things are evening out with your ds, Sarah.  We are in a similar boat.  DH has been working like crazy despite this supposedly being his slow time of the year.  My ds is only 19 months old, so he is reacting a bit differently, not as much physical aggression, but I totally understand feeling like you are in the crisis to crisis mode all day long.  This morning ds was particularly needy even though dd has been peacefully sleeping pretty much all morning.  I've been able to give him one-on-one attention, but it seems like no matter how much attention, love, and patience I pour into him, it's not enough right now.  Every little thing causes a meltdown, and every thing that comes out of his mouth is a panicked shriek or a long annoying whine. I'm feeling a bit like I'm neglecting dd because she is such an easy baby. She still sleeps so much and even when awake she doesn't cry to be held like ds constantly did at this age. I literally couldn't put him down.  

I've been trying to cope just by taking it moment to moment and forcing myself to notice when things are going well.  Like today I gave him a little play doh set with animal cutters and we managed to have about 30 minutes of happy time before he melted down over me telling him he couldn't mash it into the rug.  I figure the good 30 minutes was well worth it :)  I made funny faces at him for 15 minutes straight just because he was laughing instead of crying.  It's totally exhausting!!  I'm just trying to maintain my compassion for him, knowing that his world is rocked.  I'm not giving myself a hard time about a little extra tv time because I know it is giving me time I need to nurse or otherwise give attention to dd.  I know that if I can give that to her without feeling like he is keeping me from it, I can be better to him later.  I'm trying to apply the big lessons I learned about his very tough baby hood: Pretty much everything is a phase.  His behavior will not be this way forever.  All I can do is give him love and try to react in a manner that will eventually produce a positive outcome for him.    

It sounds to me like you are doing everything right.  Giving him positive behavior support, letting him know what is expected of him, and offering lots of love.  I don't have any specific advise, but just wanted to let you know I'm right there with ya.  

Take heart and take care!