I have a bunch of kids here, 3 from a previous marriage (ages 9, 6, and 3) the oldest has Aspergers. Their dad abruptly left us 2 years ago after 8 years of marriage and it's been very hard. Then I got pregnant with a man who has his own 5yr old, so with our new 6week old baby that brings me up to 5 kids to care for.
I do all the laundry, cooking, dishes, cleaning, and childcare. My "boyfriend" took 1 day off work after the baby was born (homebirth but I was in the hospital afterwards for hemorrhage.) He works/is gone ALL the time but we never have any money (I don't get child support either). We just moved to this state and into the same house for the first time so it's all these new issues and I know nobody. He has tons of friends and family here but I'm isolated, and he doesn't talk to me much anymore. It hurts.
I feel pathetic and incompetent. Worthless, unappreciated, trapped, bored, overwhelmed, and heartbroken, and exhausted physically/mentally/emotionally.
When I was on my own it was hard, but at least I was my own person. Now I feel like I'm just his nanny and it hurts. But then I feel panic-ey about being abandoned again and I don't know how my kids and I would get through it if he left us. I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind and it scares me. I'm no longer able to brush off little things or give myself a confidence boost. Instead I get queasy, my heart starts pounding, hands start shaking and I cry. It's like all my coping mechanisms went out the window and I don't know why this is happening.
I started bleeding again last night, which could be a sign that hormones are at work here?? I need some suggestions on herbs I could take to help balance and pull me out of this. I also really needed to "talk" and hear from other moms.
Oh, and fyi I've taken zoloft in the past and won't again because of horrible withdrawal symptoms. I really don't want to go in to a dr. but I'd be open to drug suggestions.. I just don't want to be on drugs long term.
I am currently taking my placenta pills and motherwort. I'm still anemic from the birth, have been taking alfalfa which helps but I ran out.
I strap on the baby and take the dog for a long walk every night after the kids are in bed. I also try to get out for activities every day but with a 3 kid minimum it's exhausting. I don't know what else to do.
Anyway thanks for reading.