been dating 3 mos and can't imagine meshing our lives together....

[mommy68]

Been dating my guy for 3 months. He has an 18 yr old and a 5 yr old. I have 17, 10 and 3 year olds. We parent differently. His son lives with him full time but not his daughter. When he has his daughter she stays with his parents cause he works 3rd shift (like I do). I keep my kids full-time. I have not met his 18 yr old but met his 5 yr old. His 18 yr old is shy and doesn't wanna meet me (hmmm) but he has met all of my kids. I can't imagine our lives meshing at this point. I know it's only been 3 months. I love him to death and he loves me. Stories anyone?

[Smithie]

No stories, but just from what you describe, I'd suggest not worrying about this for another year at least. You both have teenagers to launch out into the world. After that responsibility is fulfilled, if you are still crazy in love and want to spend the rest of your lives together, maybe you could blend households and raise the younger ones together. 

[floss&ferd]

We have some similarities.  

I've been dating for 3 months too.  His kids are 16 and 14.  Mine are 15, 10 and 9.  His 16 year old lives with him full time and his 14 year old most of the time.  He works 3rds.  But I work weekends so we have some scheduling issues.

We were friends in high school and have several good mutual friends so he did meet my kids pretty early.  He's great with them.  He says he was most worried about meeting my 15 yo because of the teenager thing but they get along really well.  She's very extroverted and comfortable with adults and is use to my friends, etc.  They like to tease/joke around.  My younger kids like him.  He's very much a kid person and we talk to our kids/treat out kids very similarly so that helps.   He doesn't come over much so it's just fun time when he is here at this point.

His 16 year old refused to meet me in the beginning and I guess was rather rude/teenagerish about it.  We have since met and hung out a few times, went to the mall, etc.   He does talk to me a little but I rarely see him.   He has a difficult relationship with his mom and seems to have a pretty negative view of women according to his dad.  His 14 year old is more laid back and is pretty involved with his own sports/life but had been telling his dad that he should try dating for months before we started dating and seems fine with it.

We're just taking it slow as far as kids are concerned.  The kids have not spend anytime together but they know about each other.  Over Christmas break, he may bring his boys to my house for dinner.  We would like our teenagers to meet because they have quite a few things in common and could probably be friends so we think it would be fun if we could do group stuff at some point.

It really bothered him in the beginning that his 16 year wouldn't have anything to do with me.   I encouraged him to just give him some time and relax about it.   

He's been divorced 4 years and I'm the first person he has dated.  I've been separated for a year and divorced 6 months and he's the first one for me too.   Both of our ex's have issues which makes things a little more difficult as far as the kids/drama.

[mommy68]

Thanks ya'll.

floss&ferd, your situation sounds so similar to mine! I am a bit offended that an 18 yr old won't at least say "hello" to me when I go to their home and he is there and hiding out in his room until we leave. I think out of "respect" a child should say hello if they live under my roof. My 17 yr old son isn't fond of me dating again right now (I had a BAD breakup in January of this year) but he is not rude and will welcome a guest in to his home.

I also have been told by my guy that his mom isn't fond of him dating either and jealous of him spending time with a woman again. Also his 5 yr old daughters mom has issues with him dating someone. I can't win it seems at this point. I do love him though but wonder if it's even worth it. I don't see it getting easier and I don't like that they all DISLIKE me when they haven't even tried to get to know me. They are basing how they feel about me on what others have done in the past, and that's not fair.

In our situation HE had been divorced for 16 years and went through a wild spell some years back and has dated a few seriously. I have been divorced almost 2 years (in January it's 2 years) and split for 3 from my exhusband. I dated 2 other men, 1 seriously for 18 months that devastated my life for a while with his psychotic behavior in the end. My kids were close to that man so it took me 9 months to get through that and then met this wonderful man!

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by Smithie 

No stories, but just from what you describe, I'd suggest not worrying about this for another year at least. You both have teenagers to launch out into the world. After that responsibility is fulfilled, if you are still crazy in love and want to spend the rest of your lives together, maybe you could blend households and raise the younger ones together. 

My son won't be 18 until late next year and I don't see him on his own for quite some time and not in a hurry to get him out :)  I seriously hope it doesn't take a whole year for his family to finally accept me. I don't feel I should have to PROVE myself to anyone.

[floss&ferd]

His son will say hello and actually came to my house for the first time last night.  He didn't say but a few sentences but it's an improvement.  He is never rude, just quiet, and his dad would have a fit about him being rude to anyone.  

As far as his mom, that's ridiculous.   Does he have a plan to address these problems or does he just expect you to put up with it?   It would be a HUGE deal breaker to me if the person I was dating let people be rude/treat me badly, especially in his own home.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by mommy68 

 I don't see it getting easier and I don't like that they all DISLIKE me when they haven't even tried to get to know me. They are basing how they feel about me on what others have done in the past, and that's not fair.....

I don't feel I should have to PROVE myself to anyone.

These are kids who've been jerked around. The situation isn't fair *to them.* 

My thought is to keep dating each other and enjoying each other, but to take the idea of merging families completely off the table.

Just date him. Spend time together without the kids. Leave the kids out of it.

[phathui5]

Quote:

Just date him. Spend time together without the kids. Leave the kids out of it.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

These are kids who've been jerked around. The situation isn't fair *to them.* 

My thought is to keep dating each other and enjoying each other, but to take the idea of merging families completely off the table.

Just date him. Spend time together without the kids. Leave the kids out of it.

I completely agree. 3 months is a very very short period of time. Just enjoy each other, without placing any expectations at all on the kids.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

These are kids who've been jerked around. The situation isn't fair *to them.* 

My thought is to keep dating each other and enjoying each other, but to take the idea of merging families completely off the table.

Just date him. Spend time together without the kids. Leave the kids out of it.

Too late! We already spend time together with and without our children. His 18 yr old son is still not talking to me, but I'm okay with it now. :) I love this man to death and he loves me. Only time will tell.

[floss&ferd]

I think it would be really hard for two single parents with custody of their kids to date for 6 months without involving kids at some level.   

I'm glad you are just letting things go with the 18 year old.   My boyfriend has a closer/friendlier relationship with my kids than I do with his for several reasons.   My teenager is extremely outgoing, likes adults and the two of them just naturally hit it off.  My other two are younger so don't have the teenager attitude yet.  His boys are just shyer/more reserved around me although it is slowly improving.  They have also have a lot more issues with their mom than my kids have with their dad.   I think that aspect probably makes the biggest difference.   I'm ok with just giving it more time.  Boyfriend is slightly bothered that his kids and I aren't better friends but I think it will all work out in the end.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by floss&ferd 

I think it would be really hard for two single parents with custody of their kids to date for 6 months without involving kids at some level.   

Thanks! When we both have to work it's hard to find time to get together. We get a couple times together per week alone sometimes but it just works well if all the little ones can be there or me and him and his youngest or him with me and my kids. I think we'd be selfish to always go out alone especially after working full-time. We gotta do stuff together.