Pregnant Roommate - What would you do? « Back to Group Discussions

[nattery]

Ok I need you ladies to help me trouble shoot and come up with the best way to deal with this situation before my hormones take over and I just let it all come out in one terrible rage.

Background: I and my husband live with another couple in a large house. My husband and the other husband were good friends for years and I got along really well with the wife. When we all needed to move into a new place at the same time on a limited budget the idea of pooling our resources and moving into one large house was a great idea.

The day after we moved in I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly. 1.5 months later she found out she was pregnant. We are both excited about this because we figure that we will be able to pool our time and energy resources to help each other out with the babies and house duties.

But I'm running into a problem that is increasing with everyday and I want to deal with it before it gets to the point where I just don't want to live here anymore.

When I became pregnant I immediately had a terrible first trimester.. classic no energy, overwhelming and constant nausea, major aversions to foods and smells, etc. I basically couldn't go into the kitchen, and between my two jobs, I wasn't much fun at home (sleeping all of the time). Luckily my room mates and husband were understanding and they took over most of the kitchen duties (cleaning dishes etc). I in returned tried to do duties elsewhere (tidying up the other rooms, cleaning the bathroom, etc). There were some days I did nothing but I would say overall, my husband and I still managed to do at least 50% of the household chores and clean up after ourselves. 

I will say right from the start of moving in, I felt that the other couple was not as tidy as we are but to be fair, I also tried to take into account that they were planning a wedding, and hosting family from out of town... so I thought we would just wait until all of that was done before bringing up that up and discussing it with them. After the wedding they found out they were pregnant and she was busy trying to get ready for a big Christmas craft fair she was hoping would bring her a lot of income they really need. Again, I held off bringing up the tidiness issue, knowing that if I was in her shoes I would feel pretty overwhelmed.

I started taking over a lot of cleaning, coming home after work and tidying up the living room, dining room, kitchen, bathroom, washing dishes that weren't ours, putting away books, papers, dishes, empty bottles, etc. It is no uncommon for me to spend 1-2 hours everyday cleaning and more so on my days off. My husband also tries to do what he can but he is working 10 -12 hour days at a physical job and is dead when he comes home. I work two part time jobs. Between the room mates, he has a full time job and she doesn't work.

Well It's been about a month since she found out she was pregnant and 2.5 months of living together and I am about to loose it. I am tired of coming home everyday to dishes piled up, the living room a mess. The other day I picked up drinking containers off the floor, her boots off the floor, cleaned dishes that had been there for three days straight (I left them there hoping they would realize that the dishes don't do themselves). I am the kind of person who can't relax in a messy environment so I feel like I HAVE TO clean in order to relax at the end of the day BUT by the time i'm done cleaning, I'm spent because I'm working two jobs AND I'm pregnant too.

Today I walked into the house and EVERY room was a disaster. The kitchen literary had not one surface area I could prepare food on and the dishes were piled high in the sink and all over the counter. The living room is covered in bottles, mugs, games, and the dining room / craft room has projects, clothes, three day old pumpkin pie, books, everywhere. There is literarly nowhere for me to go and relax in this house without having to commit to at least one or two hours of cleaning. This is the only half of a day off I have this week.

They didn't used to be THIS BAD (but this is not the first time I've come home to this). I almost screamed at the top of my lungs and ran out of the house. I want to demand they clean their crap up but at the same time I am trying to be sensitive and understanding to the fact that she's pregnant and tired and sick (I was like that a month ago, I know how it is!).

So my question to you guys is: what would you do? What is reasonable to ask of them (specifically her since she's home all day and her husband works late into the night) and what is unreasonable given the fact she's in her first trimester. I'm trying to be fair and accomodating and patient but at the same time I'm pregnant too, exhausted and have had no time to do any of my hobbies, craft projects and christmas presents because I'm either working, cleaning, sleeping or eating. I am getting resentful knowing she sits and knits for hours a day while I try to find 15 minutes to read my book. How would you go about this conversation?

suggestions very appreciated!

[Riaamp]

I joined this forum and group in order to reply to you. 

It's time for the four people, two couples to sit down to a "how is it working out?" conversation. Call a meeting! (Limit the alcohol.)  You can't pretend that you aren't upset and Yes you shouldn't have a temper tantrum.  Two couples living together is challenging on every level. You talked about "they" but is it one person? 

My guess is that you didn't make clear requirements and expectations BEFORE you moved in, so now you need to do that.

When you have the meeting, start with an intro. 

"We've been together for ___________ months,  we've learned more about living with each other, so let's talk about how it's working." 

Then ask each person to sit quietly and think.  then go around the room each person saying what they LIKE about the situation. Let each person talk ONLY about what they like. If you can, write it up so everyone can see it. 

Then ask each person is turn, "For you, what can be improved?"   And then just list what can be improved.   Just the list. Don't try to solve the issue and DON'T get into blaming anyone. Just the facts. 

Then everyone looks at the list together and you take each thing and figure out how you can make it better.  Make sure that for each thing you agree to do differently you are clear about what it is, who is doing it and how often. 

If you all can do this you will discover that the whole thing feels much better. And much better than blowing up and having people take sides!  

And remember you all were good friends before you moved in together, Don't forget to have fun and treat each other with love. (not the big romantic kind, the nice giving, generous kind.) 

There's lots more about adults sharing housing on my website. Including this article about conflict: http://www.sharinghousing.com/turning-down-the-heat-on-housemate-conflicts

I hope that you can follow this advice. Come over to my site (http://www.sharinghousing.com) and say hello.  Two couples living together is a challenge. it could also be great. I'd love to help you more. 

Peace, 

Annamarie 

[SweetMama34]

I wish I had solid advice for you, but I'm just here to offer hugs! I know this situation is amazingly challenging...I have had roommates in the past and very similar issues.

Thank goodness for all of Annamarie's incredible advice! Hope some of it helps you.

Remember - breathe. Baby doesn't want mama so stressed out. :)

[dayiscoming2006]

The advice of Riaamp was great. I would have called a meeting and wanted rules laid out. And I would absolutely REFUSE to do her work if she's sitting there knitting. I think she can handle a load of dishes and things like that. And if they don't take care of things after the meeting, you will have to continue to bring it up and insist that you share your tasks as equally as possible. If she can't handle something, her husband should be doing the work, it should not go to you. I have had a couple roommates and it didn't go very well. It is just really hard to live with other adults. I think I could manage with my best friend and her family if we ever had to, but I guess I would look to do things her way. She's neat, clean and pretty organized. I think it might be able to work, but it's tough and it'd have to be the right people. 

[nattery]

Thanks for the advice and support everyone

we did have a meeting before we moved in together, because I wanted to avoid a situation where our expectations were a surprise afterwards. I had explained that, while not a clean freak, I cannot relax in a cluttered space and that it's important that people clean up after themselves in a timely fashion (within reason) or that I am prone to cleaning in order to feel I am able to relax. They all agreed that they wanted the same thing I did and that it was important to me.

As I said, the first month we moved in was a month before their wedding and we (my husband and I) knew how stressful weddings were in addition to trying to move into a house and figure out our space set-ups so didn't mind that there was a bit more clutter, etc and I was doing a bit more cleaning than we would have liked. This couple bust their butts for our wedding and we were happy to do the same. After the wedding we had a second meeting to just review that we've been living together for a month and how do we all feel it's working out? It went well, we made a collective list of things that we would like to accomplish in the house and additions/clarifications to house rules. I didn't bring up the clutter issue due to the fact that I wanted to give them a chance to settle into "normalcy" of post wedding and I assumed the cleaning would pick up with that.

My husband and I decided to have a meeting last night because I just couldn't stand to even leave my room. I was playing with the idea of moving into my mom's house for a few days to calm down, etc. Before we set up an 'official' meeting, my room mate saw me how upset I was and my feelings were kind of ousted on the spot. I was pretty proud of myself how calmly (albeit weepy) I was as I explained that I'm just feeling overwhelmed and exhausted and unable to relax in my own home. She was very good at listening to my concerns. Her husband was taking a nap so he wasn't present. She admitted she was really tired and doing the best she could and I said that it's not necessarily about her specifically but that the four of us need to figure out a strategy to manage this since we are all busy, tired, and going through a lot right now. I said I AT LEAST need one room in the house that isn't trashed, where people make that effort to clean up after themselves so that I have somewhere to go and relax if I need to without cleaning up other's messes first. She said she agreed but also had to honor how tired she's feeling, which I can respect.

So we will see how it goes.

I will say, that when I woke up this morning, the house was SPOTLESS. Every room. It was really nice to come down and casually make breakfast in my own kitchen without navigating around a bunch of old dishes and dirty counters etc. I really hope it stays this way. We shall see!

I am also making pancakes this morning for the house, hoping to extend a bit of an olive branch so to speak (also, when I don't have to spend all of my time cleaning, I really do enjoy baking / cooking / making treats for everyone) so I'm hoping it's all downhill from here (though a few bumps are to be expected!)

[Riaamp]

Congratulations!  Sounds like a very good development.  Praise, praise, praise.  Tell her/them how much you appreciated the house being spotless!  reward for the good behavior.!  More than you think is necessary.  

That said, you might look at WHAT is creating clutter and whether you can eliminate some of that. Highly recommend "Clutter Control."  

And remember.. the truth is really the only thing that works.  Hiding feelings and thoughts rarely does.  

You sound like a caring group.. and it's challenging to live the way you are.  When the babies come it's going to be even more challenging but also GREAT!  You won't have the bored mother at home all alone problem. 

Well Done.  May you continue to have a comfortable home. 

[Sweet Huck]

I just want to give a big thumbs up for Riaamp's original (and follow-up) advice.

Having lived in intentional communities/co-ops, I can agree first hand that it isn't easy!  But I can also say wholeheartedly that it can be really wonderful and rewarding!  Remember your original friendship and your goals/reasons for living together... and communicate. We had bi-weekly potlucks/meals together and used it as a chance to check-in with each other and to go over "house business"... but find whatever works for you and/or your group!

Good luck! And remember that it is a learning process--- you guys are learning eachother's schedules and behaviors, learning your own tolerance levels and flexibility, etc, and this learning process might be more fluid with babies on the way!

[jaxxy]

can you find someone to clean house once or twice per week and divide the cost? I know the bigger companies have a minimum $ amount but I found a mother daughter duo that was really reasonable before I had DS. They came for 2 hours a week and it was a nice respite. It might be worth the cost to relieve some of the pressure between the two of you pregnant women!!

BTW, I am not so tidy and the days that I am home this house gets trashed. DH is the neat freak and he spends hours/week picking up, organizing etc. I'm off today and looking around the house feeling guilty knowing DH will be home in an hour or so. I'm going to get to work and make him proud!!

[Kristin Dianne]

Nattery- how have things been since the last time you posted? Are the rooms staying clean? 

[crazyeight]

any word nattery? i am interested to hearing your experience and wonder if i would do ok in a community arena (i doubt it :( )