A Powerful Read: "I am Adam Lanza's Mother"

[pattimomma]

In the wake of the Sandy Hook Elementary School tragedy this mother bravely writes about life with a mentally ill child: http://thebluereview.org/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother/

Some of the things that popped out at me-

• His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan—they ran to the car and locked the doors before I even asked them to.

• We decided to transfer him to the district’s most restrictive behavioral program, a contained school environment where children who can’t function in normal classrooms can access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30-1:50 Monday through Friday until they turn 18.

• When I asked my son’s social worker about my options, he said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. “If he’s back in the system, they’ll create a paper trail,” he said. “That’s the only way you’re ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to you unless you’ve got charges.”

[Heavenly]

This piece is really powerful.  I find it interesting that there are 480 views and no comments.  It is the problem that we do not speak of.  It is the silent shame that we as parents of mentally-ill children have to bear.  I agree with the author that we need to focus more on mental health and on treating mental health conditions.  

[Mirzam]

Originally Posted by Heavenly 

This piece is really powerful.  I find it interesting that there are 480 views and no comments.  It is the problem that we do not speak of.  It is the silent shame that we as parents of mentally-ill children have to bear.  I agree with the author that we need to focus more on mental health and on treating mental health conditions.  

But we need to look beyond pharmaceutical medications to help these children. We need to stop medicating, pathologizing and labeling these kids and get them real help. They are angry and full of rage, and this is what happens. 

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Here are some alternative perspectives you may want to take a look at.

 http://sarahkendzior.com/2012/12/16/want-the-truth-behind-i-am-adam-lanzas-mother-read-her-blog/

http://thegirlwhowasthursday.wordpress.com/2012/12/16/you-are-not-adam-lanzas-mother/

  The article complains about mental illness stigma while reinforcing it by explicitly tying it to violence, and in particular, mass killings. The reality is that there is no such observed link: “after analysing a number of killers, Mullen concludes, ‘they had personality problems and were, to put it mildly, deeply troubled people.’ But he goes on to add: ‘Most perpetrators of autogenic massacres do not, however, appear to have active psychotic symptoms at the time and very few even have histories of prior contact with mental health services.’” And most people with mental illness are not violent, although they are far more likely to be victims of crime (see here, for instance).

http://overland.org.au/blogs/new-words/2012/08/when-the-burning-moment-breaks-gun-control-and-rage-massacres/

Also, could you clarify your statement here:

This piece is really powerful. I find it interesting that there are 480 views and no comments. It is the problem that we do not speak of. It is the silent shame that we as parents of mentally-ill children have to bear. I agree with the author that we need to focus more on mental health and on treating mental health conditions. 

I'm not sure exactly what you are refering to when you talk about the silent shame. 

[melissa17s]

Thanks Queen of the Meadow for the alternative perspectives.  When I read the original article posted I was left feeling that it was an unfair characterization of the child to be compare him to a murder.  I am bothered by the pervasive view that has been presented of mental illness.  

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Originally Posted by melissa17s 

Thanks Queen of the Meadow for the alternative perspectives.  When I read the original article posted I was left feeling that it was an unfair characterization of the child to be compare him to a murder.  I am bothered by the pervasive view that has been presented of mental illness.  

Yes, this exactly.  I think that assuming that mental illness means you are more likely to be a mass murderer is way off the mark, and it is hurtful and insulting to me, as a parent of a child with special needs.

[Jennyanydots]

Wow, great links offering responses to the initial article! I read it, too- it was hard to miss, as it must've shown up on my fb at least ten times. I also found it moving, but the mom's public comparison of her child to a vicious killer (no matter how he came to it, he was) just did not sit right with me. It seemed like she was taking advantage of the event to call attention to her pet cause, and to exonerate herself of any responsibility for her son's behavior...

[mumm]

We are all Adam Lanza's mom regardless of the labels our children have. As things unfolded my first thought was that it was probably better for her to be dead than have to deal with the aftermath of her child's actions and his death.

However, we don't all keep weapons where our children have access.  Especially if we have a child who is prone to violence or is unstable. 

WHY is there so much mental illness?  In years past would they just not have survived to adulthood?  Environmental causes?  Societal?   I have a sister who is entirely ill- never worked, in and out of psych hospitals, etc.  She is married to an unwell man who also has never worked, driven a car, grocery shopped independently, etc.  Systems are in place to keep them alive, but not make them well.  Drugs and alcohol are not a factor.  Well, only prescribed drugs meant to "help" 

We can look at treatment, but we should also be looking at causes.

[Mirzam]

Originally Posted by mumm 

We can look at treatment, but we should also be looking at causes.

I couldn't agree more.

I also have a question. Who was Adam Lanza's doctor?

[pattimomma]

Originally Posted by QueenOfTheMeadow 

Yes, this exactly.  I think that assuming that mental illness means you are more likely to be a mass murderer is way off the mark, and it is hurtful and insulting to me, as a parent of a child with special needs.

When I read it, I didn't think that it implied mental illness = mass murderer. But I do think mass murderer = mental illness. I can't think of one person who has committed such crimes that was not mentally ill. I have two children with special needs and I didn't think that the author was implying that my children would grow up to be murders. At first I thought the essay was fiction and that the intention was to shed light on how it is often difficult to get quality mental health care. I guess it is all in how you interpret it.

[pattimomma]

Originally Posted by Mirzam 

I also have a question. Who was Adam Lanza's doctor?

Good question!

[pattimomma]

Originally Posted by Jennyanydots 

to exonerate herself of any responsibility for her son's behavior...

I don't feel good about this statement just because of my personal experience. I have been blamed and called a 'bad mom' because of my son's behaviors which are a direct result of his disabilities. Now we aren't talking about anything as dramatic as what's in the essay. It's things like my son won't follow directions or he might drop an F bomb when he gets frustrated. He is often called disrespectful because he won't make eye contact or shake hands. But I have spent thousands of dollars, sued school districts (we won!), fought insurance companies and so on just to receive half decent (certainly not the best) services. Yet I am still a bad mom who doesn't take responsibility for her child because he continues to display socially unacceptable behaviors.

I don't know what these other parents have tried to do or been able to do (I had to spend over 30K in attorney fees to fight my school district, not everyone has this kind of $) for their children so I will reserve judgement of their parenting.

Adam Lanza's mother had guns and so did his dad. Adam had no criminal record and could have bought guns himself. We don't know why or how he got access to them (one would hope his mother didn't let him have free access to them). I have heard a lot of blame the mother but what about the father, what about the system? or how about stop blaming and look for solutions for the breakdown in our society that has lead to this.

This is totally not pointed specifically at Jenny, I just used part of her comment as a springboard for a personal vent.

[mumm]

Originally Posted by pattimomma 

 But I do think mass murderer = mental illness.

I don't agree.   50% of mass murders are commited by people with no history of mental instability and were acting rationally at the time.  (I don't have resources, just heard that on NPR this morning.)

We have a similiar conversation in my family frequently about suicide.  (We have a history of suicide and mental illness......) I believe sane people kill themselves (and others) while one of my parents thinks you must be mentally ill if you take any life.  Sometimes people get themselves into such situations that they truly see suicide/murder as the best option.   In the current debate about this event clearly mental illness played a role, but I don't think it always does.

[pickle18]

I think a better way to word that may have been to say, "to exonerate herself of any responsibility to work to understand/advocate for/work with her son's behavior."

I got the distinct impression from that article that she was more concerned with venting and negatively characterizing her child than truly working to understand him, and find ways to work with his unique needs, instead of just shoving a square peg into a round hole, and complaining that it doesn't fit, ykwim?  I think the pants thing was a poor example...yes, he had an extreme reaction, but could this have been anticipated?  Could she have only bought him acceptable pants?  Or just let him wear the wrong ones, to have some control over his situation? 

[Peony]

Originally Posted by pickle18 

I think a better way to word that may have been to say, "to exonerate herself of any responsibility to work to understand/advocate for/work with her son's behavior."

I got the distinct impression from that article that she was more concerned with venting and negatively characterizing her child than truly working to understand him, and find ways to work with his unique needs, instead of just shoving a square peg into a round hole, and complaining that it doesn't fit, ykwim?  I think the pants thing was a poor example...yes, he had an extreme reaction, but could this have been anticipated?  Could she have only bought him acceptable pants?  Or just let him wear the wrong ones, to have some control over his situation? 

We don't know if she has spend a small fortune on pants, maybe none are acceptable. Maybe they have already BTDT with wearing the wrong pants, perhaps it causes a larger meltdown. 

What I get frustrated with is that so many are tearing apart her words and feelings, these her HER words, feelings, this is HER life that she deals with day in and day out. I can't begin to imagine how brutally exhausting it must be. And she has 3 other children to keep safe. With a severely failed mental health system in this country. Instead of bashing this mother, she needs to be supported. 

I do have a child that struggles with her mental health. She first started saying she didn't want to live when she was 5. It was the same year that we couldn't even get in the car because she would break down. By the time she was 6 I was making appointments with a locked unit to discuss options. She is 9 now and stable, with meds, for now. It comes and goes. I had to physically prevent her from running away in the PJs with her doll, in the middle of the street, in the dark, last week after a rage and that is nothing. She is no where near the level this mother has to endure every day. I am so drained. I don't sleep, I have no friends anymore, who has time for that, no life outside of my children. I don't even know who I am anymore, nor my DH. I've given up everything to help her. I don't have a single hobby anymore. And I don't regret it but it has come at a very high cost. I get so many helpful comments on what to do with her. Take her off her meds, have you tried this whoo whoo therapy? This supplement from Peru will cure her! Why are you being so negative? Why don't you try this, try that, do that, say this, prevent this. I am only one person and can only physically and emotionally do so much. Until you live my life day in and day out, trying to keep my other children cared for as well including one with ASD, I don't want to hear it.  We've spent thousands upon thousands upon thousands on her care. We have absolutely nothing to show for many years of hard work with a successful company, we've drained every single penny we can out of anything trying to help our children. I probably will never know what retirement is now. That mother probably feels at the end of her rope, and that I can understand. 

[Jennyanydots]

I don't think admitting some responsibility = accepting all the blame. And I'm not saying that if you have a difficult child it has to be your fault or the product of your parenting. I did get the feeling, though, from reading the article in question, that the author was putting her son's issues at arms length and taking advantage of the "mental illness" label to excuse herself from any responsibility. She didn't give enough information for me to fairly form an opinion of her parenting, but some of her responses to his behavior seemed a little strange and made me wonder about their backstory.
I don't see how it's appropriate to generalize the statement about responsibility to other parents and families.

[pickle18]

I think perhaps everyone brings to that article their own personal experience - you relate to the feeling of being helpless, and the desperation and exhaustion of having fought these battles for so long...and that is certainly understandable.  I can see, on the basis of those commonalities, why you are giving her the benefit of the doubt.  Yet, even though you view it from the same position, in your response you've given me a markedly different outlook and picture than that presented in this blog post.  Without getting extremely personal, all I can say is perhaps my remarks indicate I'm coming at it from the opposite angle.

[pickle18]

Originally Posted by Jennyanydots 

I don't think admitting some responsibility = accepting all the blame. And I'm not saying that if you have a difficult child it has to be your fault or the product of your parenting. I did get the feeling, though, from reading the article in question, that the author was putting her son's issues at arms length and taking advantage of the "mental illness" label to excuse herself from any responsibility. She didn't give enough information for me to fairly form an opinion of her parenting, but some of her responses to his behavior seemed a little strange and made me wonder about their backstory.

 I don't believe one's parenting can be judged solely by outcome/child's behavior at all, especially in special needs cases.  I, too, found the mother's responses to be strange, and indicative of a lack of coping skills or understanding.  It did not appear that she was trying to understand her son or work with him - rather, it appeared that she was frustrated that he did not fit into a preconceived notion of behavior, and she lacked resources to respond appropriately to that or to shift her expectations.  I agree she is likely overwhelmed - what is hard for me to discern is whether this intensely negative attitude is a result of exhaustion or if it has hallmarked the relationship for some time, impeding understanding.  I'm all for improved access to resources - I think the tone of the blog post clearly demonstrates this mother needs help.

[pattimomma]

Originally Posted by Peony 

I do have a child that struggles with her mental health. She first started saying she didn't want to live when she was 5. It was the same year that we couldn't even get in the car because she would break down. By the time she was 6 I was making appointments with a locked unit to discuss options. She is 9 now and stable, with meds, for now. It comes and goes. I had to physically prevent her from running away in the PJs with her doll, in the middle of the street, in the dark, last week after a rage and that is nothing. She is no where near the level this mother has to endure every day. I am so drained. I don't sleep, I have no friends anymore, who has time for that, no life outside of my children. I don't even know who I am anymore, nor my DH. I've given up everything to help her. I don't have a single hobby anymore. And I don't regret it but it has come at a very high cost. I get so many helpful comments on what to do with her. Take her off her meds, have you tried this whoo whoo therapy? This supplement from Peru will cure her! Why are you being so negative? Why don't you try this, try that, do that, say this, prevent this. I am only one person and can only physically and emotionally do so much. Until you live my life day in and day out, trying to keep my other children cared for as well including one with ASD, I don't want to hear it.  We've spent thousands upon thousands upon thousands on her care. We have absolutely nothing to show for many years of hard work with a successful company, we've drained every single penny we can out of anything trying to help our children. I probably will never know what retirement is now. That mother probably feels at the end of her rope, and that I can understand. 

I hear you! 

[pattimomma]

Originally Posted by pickle18 

 I think the tone of the blog post clearly demonstrates this mother needs help.

Absolutely! Regardless of what anyone thinks about what she wrote or why she wrote it. She needs help. And I don't mean she just needs help for her child. I mean she needs help for herself such as parent training. Working with professionals that helped me understand my child's needs and the correct way to respond to the behaviors has made a huge difference.