Rude Grandchildren

[Atbb47]

   Actually it's two rude grandchildren,(teenage) I send they gifts and do things for them and I never hear from them until it's birthday

 time or Christmas etc.  I am tired of always doing and giving and I am lucky if I get a thank you. I am not remembered

 at all and it hurts year after year. So I don't feel like giving anything this year at all am I wrong.

[~Nikki~]

I wouldn't blame the grandchildren.  It's up to the parents to teach the kids to send thank you cards.  I'm guilty of this, myself.  Nobody in my family has ever sent thank you cards. It'd be weird if they did.  Aside from weddings/showers/etc, it's just not something my family does. But your post has reminded me that I really do need to teach my children how to do this, because really, they SHOULD be sending thank you cards when they receive something.  Especially if the giftee didn't give them the gift in person (ie: they received it in the mail) if for no other reason that the giftee probably wants to know if they received it, and if they liked it.

In your situation, I'd mention something to the parents. Did they send thank you cards previously?  And it just stopped when they were teens?  Maybe the parents are leaving it up to the kids, and the kids just dropped the ball and need a reminder.

[Atbb47]

  Thank you Nikki, 

           Thank you for responding, it's not that the parents should force them to respond even a sincere phone call would

           do.  A card is nice especially if they took it upon themselves to do it. I quess for now it's a hopeless case.

            I'll just send them something to let them know I thought about them.  

             Thank you for your response.

      Atbb47

[Catholic Mama]

Something you might consider doing is donating to a charity in your grandchildren's name(s) and simply sending a card to your grandchildren telling them what you did with a Merry Christmas and I love you. That way you're still doing something good and they still get a card. My grandmother has done that before when she realized she can't afford to buy gifts for all of her grandchildren. Have you tried talking to your children and telling them what you told us?

[Atbb47]

Thank you, for your response my grandchildren come from difficult family situations I am not please about the way they

were raised. When I have an opportunity to talk to them in person it would be better. They often act as though it is expected 

that I send them presents. They are grown now so I may just send them a card and wish they Merry Christmas. I have hinted 

to my daughters but I just let it go. Thank you, for your response. 

Your suggestion is a good one.

Thank you,

Have a Blessed Christmas and Peaceful New Year.

Atbb47

[ThreeTwoFive]

You could send them a small pack of Thank You cards as a gift.  They might get the hint.

[jeteaa]

Many grandparents send gifts/money/cards to grandchildren out of obligation, and the grandchildren know this. Hey, they may not even want or need a gift from the GP. The grandchild is probably tying to send the message to the grandparent that they don;t want anything from them and don't want the expected obligation to send a thank you. Obviously the GP is not getting the message. I think that if a person receiving a gift does need it, want it, expect it etc, then they should send a thank you. However, there comes a time when the gift giver is the rude one, especially when like yourself you are calling your grandchild rude when they obviously don't want the gift in the first place. 

[salr]

I don't think it's necessarily that they don't want a gift.  My guess is that they are just not used to sending thank you cards.  It's a lost art form and becoming a lost bit of etiquette.  I think the donation in their name idea is a good one.  Or maybe just a personal note saying that you're thinking about them and would love to hear from them. 

Maybe you can meet them more on their level and contact them via email or facebook more often.  It's better to focus on the kind of relationship you want with them than worry about rudeness on their part.  A lot of people are rude in that they don't send thank you cards, me included.  If there's something else going on and they don't care to have a relationship with you, then at least you tried. 

It can also be an awkward age where teenagers are not sure who is responsible for what.  Did mom and dad always call to say they got their presents and like them?  You just need to see if it's possible to create a more adult relationship with these people, especially if they are older teens.  They may be lost on how to do this.

[rachelsmama]

Originally Posted by Atbb47 

Thank you, for your response my grandchildren come from difficult family situations I am not please about the way they

were raised. When I have an opportunity to talk to them in person it would be better. They often act as though it is expected 

that I send them presents. They are grown now so I may just send them a card and wish they Merry Christmas. I have hinted 

to my daughters but I just let it go. Thank you, for your response. 

Your suggestion is a good one.

Thank you,

Have a Blessed Christmas and Peaceful New Year.

Atbb47

There's probably a generational communication thing going on there to some extent, so hinting is probably not going to get you anywhere.  If you have a problem, try stating it clearly. 

I agree with the previous poster that it's possible they just aren't interested in getting presents.  If that's the case, then your persistence in sending presents might be making the already tenuous relationship even more uncomfortable for them.  If they didn't want the presents, then sending a thank you note would be lying, and many, many people (myself included) are simply not comfortable lying, even if it makes us sound rude to people with different priorities.  Do you ask them whether/what they want?  If you don't, it might be a good way to help the relationship.  If you do, how careful are you to honour their requests?

[tbone_kneegrabber]

Originally Posted by salr 

Maybe you can meet them more on their level and contact them via email or facebook more often.  It's better to focus on the kind of relationship you want with them than worry about rudeness on their part.  A lot of people are rude in that they don't send thank you cards, me included.  If there's something else going on and they don't care to have a relationship with you, then at least you tried. 

I think making more frequent contact with them in a medium that might be more familiar and easier for them (email etc) is going work out a lot better.  I have trouble staying in contact with my kid's grandparents (particularly my in laws), but now that I can snap a picture of ds on my phone and send it to them with one or two sentences from my phone to their email it has made that a lot easier!  (although *they* never respond that they go the pictures, hmmm? my mom always responds......)

Anyway, having frequent short contact (just a couple of sentences about something) is a lot less stressful than trying to write a whole letter or expect to be on the phone for 20 minutes etc.  If they can tell you "Had band practice today, wow I'm beat!  But I think I'm finally getting this new song" or sending you a picture of them in front of a waterfall with their friends "Hey Grandma we hiked to these wicked falls today.  It rocked!"  or whatever and have that be the whole interaction I think you might end up hearing from them more frequently although the length might be much less.

Then you can send them short little emails like "Had breakfast with your cousins today.  You should see how many pancakes little johnny can eat!  Wow!  Hope you are well!"  I think it takes a lot of pressure off

[Catholic Mama]

As a grandchild of two surviving grandmothers, with very little money to spare this year after buying a few things for my children, I would just like to say that I wish I (and many others) could show more love and respect to the elder generation by giving them a gift, not just as a thank you for all the years she's given me gifts, but also to show how valued, loved, and appreciated they are. For example, if I could, I would buy each of my grandmothers a book (more than $10 per book), though I don't know if she needs it in large print or not. I just wanted to throw that idea out there. When my husband is ready to volunteer - hopefully before our children are old enough to move out - another idea is to have my children draw pictures, or make a craft, and take several to a nursing home to give to the residents - many of which most likely won't have any visitors during the holidays. (This is all wishful thinking.)

[mamalisa]

Call your grandkids and say "hey, I love you guys and like buying you gifts, when you don't call or send a thank you, I feel unappreciated".  If they are teenagers they are old enough to step up and handle their thank yous, if not, they don't get gifts anymore.

[silversparrow]

Why not give them either some stationary or a calling card (if they are long-distance) with the next gift and /or include a letter in which you ask them questions and try to start a conversation so maybe they will feel inclined to respond. My grandmother used to give me pretty stationary and note cards and always writes a long letter on her cards and then I would write her back. It can be difficult for teens to know how to relate to grandparents, they barely relate to their parents as it is. Perhaps you could start a conversation by giving a call before the next occasion for some gift ideas and and also just ask them about themselves also, and then say "thanks for the ideas, let me know after if the gift fits/ is the right colour etc". 

[lanamommyphd07]

Is part of the problem that you don't have much of a relationship with them? Like, do you see them often or interact with them? I had several grandparents growing up, and some I was close to (i.e. I could just call them up and say thanks) but others not so much (so I felt weird calling on the phone). My daughter's gps will call and say "did you get the box?", but we still always send a note too.