purposeful - I think that it is completely natural for you to still be working through these feelings. I've had negative feelings toward some past birth and midwife experiences that I kind of obsessed about for months afterward - and things I wanted to say to them (but didn't) - issues where I felt that I was, in particular, emotionally let down by them. In once instance I wrote my last midwife a long letter explaining in full how I felt (that I didn't end up giving to her and wished I had!, but maybe it was for the best that I didn't...) I think it helped just writing the letter to her - helped me get it completely off my chest and move on. So, I do feel like I know where you're coming from. On the other hand, the sooner you can move on - the better for you. You've been through a lot! - and while it's natural to think about the ways in which things could have turned out better (esp when you and babe are having a hard time because of those circumstances) - at this point it's probably doing you more harm than good. You can't change what happened, you can only move on. But if time passes, once you and babe are healed; if you still feel the urge to talk with your friend/midwife - maybe about breaking the waters, specifically, then I think you should. I often wished that I'd sent that letter to my midwife - so that what I had gone through wouldn't have to happen to someone else. xox
On another note - it's 2 am here and I'm wide awake. I accidentally had a chai around dinner time and that always keeps me awake. On top of that we're having car issues, so I ended up walking downtown to mail some packages (about a 20 min walk through the snow), and my son and I ran errands for an hour or so - so a lot more walking then I've been doing. Got back home and made curry for dinner, then had some (really lovely) sex and tried to go to sleep, only to start having contractions about every 6 -10 minutes. I'll be 38 weeks in a day, and have never had a baby before 41 1/2 weeks - so I'm really wondering about this. If the exertion, plus spicy foods, plus orgasm just kicked it all into gear, or if it's just pre-labor. Kind of hoping it's just pre-labor because I like it better when this happens during the daytime AND I was expecting a couple more weeks (at least!) to get stuff done.
Guess I'll do a little laundry:) and see about getting some sleep.