bio-dad not ok with step-parent cosleeping - Page 2

[crunchy_mommy]

If you & BF were not about to have a baby together & cosleep with the newborn, I'd probably agree with the majority here that it's not appropriate for your BF to cosleep with your DS and suggest kicking BF out of the family bed. But I think the pregnancy changes things quite a bit. I'd just have your DS sleep on your side of the bed, with you in the middle. I've never been in a shared-custody situation (ran into this thread by accident), so I may not be well-informed, but I don't see how your ex really has much say on the sleeping arrangements in your house, assuming they are not actually dangerous or something. He may not like it but I'm sure there are lots of things about your parenting choices he may not like (and vice versa), that's just something he'll need to accept if you two are separated.

Originally Posted by Smithie 

I think you can solve this with logistical changes - new, nice mattresses for your family sleeping space, an inclusive setup (maybe mattresses on a shared tatami mat, or arranged around a central feature such as a table?) and new rituals. Maybe your partner reads to your son in his bed and snuggles with him and moves to your shared bed (in the same room) once your son is asleep? With a new baby, one bed for big kid, one bed for Daddy, and one bed for Mom and baby is really not a bad idea. 

I really like this suggestion. DH & I have our mattress on the ground and DS's smaller mattress butted up against it. He usually sleeps in our big bed anyway but at least it's there as an option (and, I suppose, would be looked on more positively by anyone who's anti-cosleeping, i.e. CPS if you're worried about that). Friends of ours have two big mattresses right next to each other, one ~8" higher than the other, & often the kids sleep on one & mama moves onto their mattress to nurse, or dad sleeps with one kid and mama with the other 2, etc. -- it allows them a lot of flexibility for various situations. It's still a big family bed basically but something like that might be a workable compromise, plus give you more space for the new baby.

[McGucks]

Quick thought, and I haven't read through the posts.

If your son's dad had a new partner and wanted to bed-share with that person and your son, would that be fine with you?

I know you can have the purest of intentions, but this situation needs to be handled pretty carefully anyway.

Good luck with your situation.

[phathui5]

Quote:

just because of what "other people" might think

But in this case, "other people" is the child's other parent.

[Floretta]

I our house, my kids (aged 5 and 3) are expected to fall asleep in their own beds, but if they feel scared or alone at night they are welcome to come into our bed. Also if one of them is sick he/she will usually sleep with us (or sometimes just me and my DH will then sleep in the kid's bed.

Would an arrangement like that work for your ex? So transition the older child to his own room and bed, and if he feels scared at night he can come and sleep on a mattress next to your bed, or maybe sleep on your side of the bed (this will only work pre-baby). Or you could set him up with a queen sized mattress in his room that you (and baby) can move to if necessary?

I think that both these arrangements would lead to him sleeping through the night on his own very shortly. Also to make this more exciting for your DS, you could have him pick out a bed and sheets, deko items etc.

You should also really have a discussion with your ex about other aspects of bed-time and night-time childcare once the baby is born, because ideally (for you and baby) your BF could take over some of that (like putting your DS to bed if you are busy with baby, or helping him if he pees his bed etc), but only if your ex is fine with that.

[Sunshyn74]

I agree with other posters that it's time to work on the big boy bed. I just don't find it appropriate for a child that age to be sleeping with non bio parents. I am actually dealing with this now as my 6 year old DD sleeps with her dad and his girlfriend at every visit. The difference is that my ex doesn't discuss it with me. DD tells me about it.

[greenemami]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

If you & BF were not about to have a baby together & cosleep with the newborn, I'd probably agree with the majority here that it's not appropriate for your BF to cosleep with your DS and suggest kicking BF out of the family bed. But I think the pregnancy changes things quite a bit. I'd just have your DS sleep on your side of the bed, with you in the middle. I've never been in a shared-custody situation (ran into this thread by accident), so I may not be well-informed, but I don't see how your ex really has much say on the sleeping arrangements in your house, assuming they are not actually dangerous or something. He may not like it but I'm sure there are lots of things about your parenting choices he may not like (and vice versa), that's just something he'll need to accept if you two are separated.
I really like this suggestion. DH & I have our mattress on the ground and DS's smaller mattress butted up against it. He usually sleeps in our big bed anyway but at least it's there as an option (and, I suppose, would be looked on more positively by anyone who's anti-cosleeping, i.e. CPS if you're worried about that). Friends of ours have two big mattresses right next to each other, one ~8" higher than the other, & often the kids sleep on one & mama moves onto their mattress to nurse, or dad sleeps with one kid and mama with the other 2, etc. -- it allows them a lot of flexibility for various situations. It's still a big family bed basically but something like that might be a workable compromise, plus give you more space for the new baby.

The problem with this is that cosleeping, especially with an older child is likely to be frowned upon by the courts as a questionable or even dangerous situation for the child. So, if the OPs ex feels strongly enough about it to take it to court, I would be afraid that it would at best make her look bad and at worst affect custody.  Yes, this may not happen, but for me it would not be a hill to die on.  If it was about the mom being allowed to co-sleep with her own kids, then I would fight it, but about a boyfriend being allowed to sleep with her kids...nope, I would figure out a different solution, probably by having 2 mattresses in the room or avaiable so that I could go to sleep with my kids but then crawl in with dp once they were asleep. 

Sorry OP, I can see where you ex is coming from on this one, as complicated as it makes your life.  You obviously trust your dp and love him, but your ex doesn't feel the same way and I would be pretty upset if my kids were sleeping with an unrelated adult whom I didn't know and/or trust as well. 

[contactmaya]

What if mom wants to continue co sleeping with older ds because she deems it good for him? Its amazing how many people you can fit in a big bed. The bf is on one end,  the baby  in the middle, the mom  next, and the big boy(who i dont believe should be forced into a big boy bed against  his will especially with a new baby), on the other end. He is far away from the bf. In fact he could be in a separate bed beside the mom. 

I would talk about it with the dad. Does he want to take it to court? How is that in the boys interests here? It sounds like the OP and her ex have worked things out in an intelligent fashion, and there isnt an acrimonious relationship.  I do get how the dad could feel incomfortable with this situation, but he might change his mind if you explain things.

The whole 'move him to a big boy bed' thing is so....i dont know...i still co sleep with my big boys, 7 and 4.  Theres a baby in there too. We have one giant bed.

[Sharlla]

when i moved in with dh ds1 was 3.5.  at the time x and i had been cosleeping but dh def wasnt comfortable with cosleeping and im sure x wouldnt have been cool with that either.  we decided to start him in his room at that point. 

[Buzzbuzz]

What I'm baffled by is why your DP would be willing to risk this situation.  An accusation of sexual abuse would be devastating for him (and for you too).   In this kind of situation I think a stepparent must act to be like Caesar's wife -- above suspicion.

[contactmaya]

I am baffled that co sleeping equates to sexual abuse

[Buzzbuzz]

Note the words "an accusation" of abuse. 

[colsxjack]

For me, I couldn;t imagine being comfortable with another adult co-sleeping with my child. Not because of the thought or threat of abuse. I agree that there is much more chance of sexual abuse if the child is on their own in their own room.

For me, co-sleeping is a very intimate relationship. I would feel jealous and insecure that some other person was having such a close and intimate relationship with my child. Being the one they snuggle up to, the one they wake up to in the morning. Maybe the father is jealous of the level of intimacy (in the emotional sense, not sexual) that the BF is having with the child.

Or like a PP said,maybe worried about the level of intimacy that may go one between the adults (of the sexual nature) in the bedroom while child is sleeping.

[aricha]

I don't think there is anything wrong with a step-parent co-sleeping, especially since we are talking about co-sleeping with the other parent present most of the time. That said, it doesn't really matter what I think because Dad doesn't like it, and that's what you need to consider. 

On the one hand, it cold be considered a parenting decision, and each parent (family) should be able to make their own day-to-day parenting decisions in their own home without the other parent having a say. On the other hand, if there is something the other parent is uncomfortable enough with to speak up about it, it makes sense for the other parent to at least consider it.

We don't think the media that is allowed at mom's house is appropriate, so my husband expresses his concern and shares his opinion. Mom considers his opinion and decides whether or not she's going to change what she is doing. If my husband feels it is something truly harmful (or potentially harmful), he might get a mediator, lawyer, or the court involved to try to stop it.

I see this the same way. Is there a way you can compromise so dad feels more comfortable? There have been lots of great suggestions that honor your desire to support your son's needs as well as dad's needs. Like someone else said, I don't think this would be a hill to die on, unless I felt like the benefits of co-sleeping outweighed Dad's concerns and there wasn't a middle ground that seemed reasonable. That doesn't seem, from my perspective anyway, to be the case here.

[pumpkin]

This isn't even a grey area. Your recent partner should not be sleeping in the same bed with your child. I would tell your boyfriend that if your son needs to be in your bed as he transitions to his own, then the adult is going to have to be a big boy and move.

[elus0814]

I'm with most of the other posts. I do not think it is appropriate for your boyfriend to be sleeping in the same bed as your child. I could possibly see a step parent cosleeping if they were married to the parent and the child was really young and the step parent had been part of the family for a really long time (at least half the child's life or longer). In the situation I can fully understand the biological father being upset. Beyond that the biological father has a case against the biological mom anytime he wants to get full custody. A court would likely side with the dad when they hear that the mom is having her kindergarten age son sleeping in bed with her boyfriend, especially if that child doesn't have another bed available. In a situation like this is doesn't really matter what reality is, it's how the police, child protective services, and a judge would interpret what is happening. To them it's not only really odd that a school age child does not have their own bed (they might think the mom and boyfriend are forcing him to sleep in their bed) but it's a situation where the boyfriend could very easily abuse the child (by waiting until the mom is asleep, getting her drunk, or giving her drugs to make her sleep more deeply). Irregardless of what I or anyone thinks of it what matters is what the biological dad thinks and what he will do with that information.

[contactmaya]

Maybe this should have been posted in the night time parenting section where people dont automatically view co sleeping with an older child so negatively.  A molester could just as easily wait until his wife/gf  was asleep to go and molest a child, no matter where the child sleeps. Actually, a child is safer in such a case by his mothers side. 

Its not my issue, the OP asked the question.  But for me, i parent in a way that puts my childs interests first, not his fathers,  or potential strangers. Nor would i take into consideration what a court might potentially think or some social worker might potentially think. (unless there was a real risk of going to court which there doesnt appear to be here) Why is everyone forgetting the best interests of the child?  In this case,  let the child sleep where he wants, give him the option of his own bed, but  dont push him out of his usual bed just because  his mothers partner and  baby might be on the other side (...of a large bed)....

[Sunshyn74]

I agree posting elsewhere may not have been quite so negative, but many of the posters here have experience with the court system and realize the possible problems this can cause for OP. Nevermind abuse accusations, if bio dad wants to take this to court, the judge will most likely side with him.

[sarafi]

Originally Posted by Sunshyn74 

I agree posting elsewhere may not have been quite so negative, but many of the posters here have experience with the court system and realize the possible problems this can cause for OP. Nevermind abuse accusations, if bio dad wants to take this to court, the judge will most likely side with him.

This isn't really about co-sleeping being "good" or "bad". It's about how courts would likely view it, and I would guess there is more than a good chance the court system would side with Dad on this one, given the age of the child. I would end it, if this was my family and my ex had stated a problem--for the potential legal/custody reasons alone.

[contactmaya]

Yes, i think  that this being the blended/step parenting forum,  many posters do have personal experience with the courts. Thats is certainly a valid perspective, but perhaps not yet relevant in the situation the OP described.  OP, if youre still around, see how people respond in the  night time parenting section. 

[provocativa]

FWIW, 5-6 is an easy age to transition to a kid's own bed.  I co-slept with my girls until they were 5 and 8.  They are abuse victims.  I got them bunk beds off the side of the road, and new sheets, and they hopped right in, excited.  They come in my bed when they are sick or scared- but only once or twice in a year and a half have they been scared.  They sleep through the thunderstorms.  I actually thought they would come back to my bed more often, and have been a little sentimental about it.

I don't think our opinions about co-sleeping matter.  It's the opinion of your X and the courts where you live that matter.  The divorce judge I had might very likely take away custody for co-sleeping with a BF.