bio-dad not ok with step-parent cosleeping - Page 3

[MichelleZB]

There are two questions here: 1) is it "inappropriate" for the OP and son to co-sleep with the boyfriend, and 2) is it inadvisable to do so for legal reasons?

The second question: there are many posters here who have experience with the courts and are saying it's inadvisable since some courts may take issue with it. I accept that.

But as for the first question--is in inappropriate--I'm going to say not necessarily! Why is sleep suddenly so sacred? What it is about sleeping that makes it horrifyingly inappropriate for anyone but "bio-parents" to do it with their children? (Never mind that there are lots of adoptive parents happily sleeping with their kids.) The boyfriend is around during the day and surely interacts kindly with the child while the child is actually awake. It's perfectly appropriate for the boyfriend to, say, pick up the child when he cries or hurts himself, or share meals with the child, or play games with him, sing songs with him, watch movies with him, etc. Why would sleeping with him be held to a different standard?

My husband and I work a lot of nights, so my son often falls asleep snuggling with his grandma or the babysitter. He naps mostly with me, but if one of my friends is over and wants to snuggle with him instead, I welcome the break! It never occurred to me that it would be considered inappropriate for him to sleep beside anyone who isn't me or my husband, as some have suggested here. But I guess I don't view sleeping with the same reverence as some of you do.

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by provocativa 

FWIW, 5-6 is an easy age to transition to a kid's own bed.  I co-slept with my girls until they were 5 and 8.  They are abuse victims.  I got them bunk beds off the side of the road, and new sheets, and they hopped right in, excited.  They come in my bed when they are sick or scared- but only once or twice in a year and a half have they been scared.  They sleep through the thunderstorms.  I actually thought they would come back to my bed more often, and have been a little sentimental about it.

I don't think our opinions about co-sleeping matter.  It's the opinion of your X and the courts where you live that matter.  The divorce judge I had might very likely take away custody for co-sleeping with a BF. 

Just because it was easy for your kids doesnt mean its easy for every kid. I have one child who would happily sleep in his own bed (he's currently in with me though), no problem. He's generally an easy going kid. I think even at age 2 or 3 it would have not been difficult to transition him into a "big boy" bed. My other son who is exactly the same age as the other one...im not sure he'll ever want his own bed (exaggerating only a little)...he wont fall asleep unless im next to him and usually wakes up as soon as i get out of the bed unless im very very very quiet. My oldest was in my bed fulltime until probably age 8 and part time until 11 when i adopted the baby and the baby was in with me. The only reason i think he slept separate from me starting at age 8 or whatever was because i moved into a twin bed and there was no room for him.

Its easy for people to suggest "time for a big boy bed!" but for two of my three sons, that would have involved A LOT of trauma and crying and would not have been a good situation at all. My youngest are now both 5 yrs old and im ready for them to be OUT of my bed, but not sure how well thats going to go over with the one.

[provocativa]

oh we didn't do the 'time for a big girl bed'.  there was much talking and transition and negotiation.  i think with many kids, there will be a developmental leap combined with a couple months of emotional stability...it comes at different ages for different kids- some might think boys later than girls.  but when you see this window of opportunity, be prepared to jump on it!  i totally did not expect my 6 year old to be fine with it, but she was.  it was a complete and total shocker to me!  so sometimes, even a kiddo who by all indications wants to stay in your bed forever, will just up and change her mind.  i also tend to think...most adults don't like to sleep alone...why should kids? 
 

[ValarieR]

I was in a similar situation - I met my BF when my son was 18mo, and I had been separated from son's bio-dad since before he was born. We moved in with BF when my son was about to turn 2yrs, and we have co-slept to some extent since. My son has always gone to bed alone in his own bed, and then joined me when he wakes up, so BF and I have always gone to bed alone, and woken up as 3. For the first year, I was always in the middle, not bc I cared about DS snuggling BF, but because I didn't want BF to be uncomfortable. Now?! We have lived together as a family for almost 18 months, and DS & BF are snuggle buddies. Our situation is different in many ways, but that is what worked for us :)

[newmama8824]

I think it depends on how long you have been with your boyfriend & how well your son knows him. I also think that having co-parented for so long that you have to take into consideration your son's bio-fathers wishes.

With that being said, my DS is 5 and I met my SO when he was 2. He falls asleep in his bed and ends up with us in the morning. We have lived together for over a year now. He has also been the only Dad my DS has ever known and they are really close so it is not like he's sleeping with a "stranger". I think it just depends on the specific situation.

I cannot imagine leaving my SO and then completely changing what my DS currently knows. Then again, he crawls in bed with me at night and that I cannot help regardless of the situation.

Best of luck.