Bonding with Baby In Utero « Back to Group Discussions

[OtherMother]

This is kind of a tough topic (for me, anyways.)

How easy/difficult are you finding it to bond w/ your new LO in utero? Is there some week at which this becomes less abstract and more concrete? After beginning to feel movement every day, perhaps, or after the big u/s?

I am nearing the 17 week mark and quite honestly don't 'feel' pregnant- like, I feel like myself. Only fatter. Seriously, I look in the mirror with confusion bordering on irritation as my midsection expands- it just doesn't make SENSE to me. I mean this through feeling/living- intellectually I am very aware of what's going on, of course.

This is my 2nd baby. W/ the first I was very young but very psyched. It was really easy to bond and experience the pregnancy. With this baby, I've got DD at home and very seldom slow down (except at night) and am not really experiencing myself as being pregnant. Is this normal? I mean, within the range, I guess. I know it's fine- I just have this assumption once baby comes I'll fall in love as soon as I see her. Or maybe once I can feel her every day, to kind of remind me- for now, I don't ever really feel her, probably because I never stop moving.

I mean, in my head I know. I do all the right things, eat healthy, cut back on coffee, etc etc. I've told people, had prenatals, etc etc. But I just don't feel it. And I'm wondering if I should be concerned, try to get ahead of it, or just let it be.

For now I'm focusing on taking more time to slow down, have quiet time, and purposefully reach out to this little bean. I think it's partially because I don't really believe it- I know anything could happen, so why get all excited just yet? But the weeks are mounting ...

[TwilightJoy]

One of my pregnancy apps on my iPhone (sorry, don't remember which one), mentioned take 10 minutes a day, sit in a quiet room, and talk to your baby. I haven't done it yet as this is #1 and I am so excited and talk to baby all day, but it does sound like a good concept.

I've also been bonding via shopping and buying things for this baby, and setting up the nursery. Can you make some special purchases for this babe?

[BabySmurf]

I just have to say that I am on the same page as OP.  I think first pregnancies are a lot different than subsequent ones...we dedicate to much to our #1's! Or other kiddos if there are more than one.  And actually even with my first, I only had these weird spurts of "OMG this is real!" until after the "big" ultrasound and I found out that DS was in fact going to be a boy.  Knowing that I had a little boy in my belly really helped me put into perspective this little person that was growing inside me.  And even though I wanted mostly gender neutral stuff anyway, having an idea of who this little being was made it easier to shop...and once I bought one or two things, it made things a lot more real.  This time around, I'm having similar emotions.  I keep looking at DS's baby pictures and videos trying to remind myself of what it's going to be like with a baby around again...and I just keep finding a deeper bond with DS instead of the newbie.  I don't feel like it's strange...I know as I grow and the time gets closer to baby's arrival that things will become a lot more real...and scary/intimidating!

It does make sense what PP said about taking some time every day to pay conscious attention to the bean, and I have actually been trying to do that every night before I go to sleep...I am starting to feel the bean move on a more regular basis now too, which helps.  Once the movements become really obvious, then it's really unavoidable that there is someone growing in there

All that to say, I think it's definitely pretty normal.  Not everyone is going to feel the same as we do, but we are certainly not the only ones who do have these feelings. 

[Quinalla]

I was very laid back at the beginning of this pregnancy, I already had one, I didn't really need to read a million books or anything and I have a 3 year old to chase after. Once I found at our first appointment I was having twins, then I started to bond more as I suddenly had research to do, plans to make, stuff to buy, etc. I think if I hadn't had twins, I would be struggling to bond too until movement was happening everyday (is for me now) and I got to see some more ultrasound pictures. What helps me bond the most is feeling movement, looking pregnant (again, I have for awhile with twins) and thinking or speaking aloud to or singing to the babies. Beyond that planning, organizing, setting up & buying stuff also helps. I think taking 10 minutes a day sounds like a great idea, maybe if you have a car ride to work or an errand by yourself, take that time to talk to your baby, or just before bed think good thoughts to them. I know how hard it is with another kid for sure! And if there is anything that needs set up or organized, I would do some of that too.

[pastormama]

I'm totally with OP!  This is one of the reasons I'm actually really glad we decided to have one ultrasound and find out the sex, after much debating over it.  Now that I saw him in there, wriggling and kicking, it feels much more real.  But, agreed - with a toddler underfoot, work, husband, house to take care of - who has time to think about being pregnant?!  To me, it's actually been a little bit nice - I don't agonize over things every day like I did with the first, or read every page of every pregnancy book and freak myself out thinking I have conditions, KWIM? 

Edited to add:  and the time seems to be passing much more quickly!  I don't wake up every morning thinking, "Okay, today is 16 weeks and 2 days!'  "Okay, today is 16 weeks and 3 days!"  That's been nice too.

[FarmerMomma]

I bonded more when fetus got the fetus name,Wow. I don't plan on an ultrasound so the name helped. I'm also working on a unisex name. That might help make it more real. I've been bonding a lot through my son when he talks about and to Wow. I've also done a little shopping, just some clothes and diaper covers cause we won't need much. We also watched the movie babies as a family. I had my first baby dream after that. Though ds had a much larger role in it. My fear is that I'll never love my boyfriend on the level of my children.

[OtherMother]

Thanks, guys. Ever since I had the realization that I wasn't really 'living' this pregnancy (same day I posted, I think) it's actually been a lot 'better'- I think because I brought it to consciousness. I've been taking more time to be quiet and reach out to baby, and thinking of my pregnancy in a more sacred fashion.

I'm not really into buying a bunch of stuff for baby just yet, it feels like bad luck ... but I'm guessing after we find out the gender, it will be different (in lots of ways). I too look forward to thinking of him/her with a gender, and narrowing down names (though it feels like we won't "pick" one until I meet this little person.)

So I think the first step was becoming conscious. Thanks for all the ideas  :)  I'm also planning on picking up journaling again. I journaled to DD the whole pregnancy, and want to do the same for this little one.

[aHikaru]

I didn't bond w DD until after she was born, probably because it was so foreign to me. With this one I have bonded as soon as I had my first ultrasound, maybe because I understand and I've become more positive about the newborn stage, or because it took us longer than expected to conceive after a possible miscarriage in February... I really don't know, maybe every pregnancy is truly different. I do know anything DD loves, the color pink, cats and this baby, I love, so maybe that has something to do with it.

[jacquelinej]

I think I'm having issues as well but mine are partially explainable only because we have so much other stuff going on (moving half way around the world can do that). So I haven't bought anything except a stuffed ow doll and made a baby quilt. We don't even know yet where we will be living when baby is born, plus arranging for both grandmothers to arrive and all the other logistics has me a bit over anxious. I think (hope) it will get better once we are at least back in the US. I do talk about the baby with DD but this pregnancy is so vastly different then any previous pregnancies. I think I am still a bit scared, still have a big u/s in a month to check heart and that was when I lost my first. Until that is done and it sinks in, I don't think I will truly bond. I am feeling movement every day, multiple times a day, and it helps to remind me but I don't think it's real yet for dd or DH. DDs preg was so stressful (due to sons stillbirth and DD heart problems) I didn't really bond with her at all until birth and then it was a surreal experience.

The other thing I've come to realize is that I am not a big motherer. I love dd fiercely but I find I need to have time alone a little while each day or I can get a little mean. I don't think it will be any different with this baby. I tried to change with dd, but I hated myself while doing it. I just can't change some things.

[FarmerMomma]

We all need alone time. We need time to renew our energies so we can give and then give some more. Don't ever stop renewing. Your children benefit so much from some mother renewal time. Be good to yourself please.

[pastormama]

The other thing I've come to realize is that I am not a big motherer. I love dd fiercely but I find I need to have time alone a little while each day or I can get a little mean. I don't think it will be any different with this baby. I tried to change with dd, but I hated myself while doing it. I just can't change some things.

I feel this too.  I have worked with children a lot, and have always had the best "vibe" with the 3-5 year-old span.  Having a newborn terrified me.  Plus, DD was a little needier than average, had trouble sleeping/eating/etc.  She is still a very intense child, which I love now!  Once she got to be about13-14 months, I/we really turned a corner.  I guess just to say that not every mother loves every stage of childhood equally - doesn't make it better or worse.  But it makes me feel super nervous about having another newborn.  Of pregnancy, labor, birth, and everything else - having a tiny baby in the house again is what I'm most scared of.  

[Quinalla]

Originally Posted by pastormama 

The other thing I've come to realize is that I am not a big motherer. I love dd fiercely but I find I need to have time alone a little while each day or I can get a little mean. I don't think it will be any different with this baby. I tried to change with dd, but I hated myself while doing it. I just can't change some things.

I feel this too.  I have worked with children a lot, and have always had the best "vibe" with the 3-5 year-old span.  Having a newborn terrified me.  Plus, DD was a little needier than average, had trouble sleeping/eating/etc.  She is still a very intense child, which I love now!  Once she got to be about13-14 months, I/we really turned a corner.  I guess just to say that not every mother loves every stage of childhood equally - doesn't make it better or worse.  But it makes me feel super nervous about having another newborn.  Of pregnancy, labor, birth, and everything else - having a tiny baby in the house again is what I'm most scared of.  

This is me too, DD was so intense it was really hard for me, though I'm still mostly scared of not getting sleep. It was the worst thing about having a newborn the first time and I think it will be even worse with twins though I am praying/wishing/hoping that my twins are much better sleepers than DD was. I like babies pretty well, but bigger kids are so much more fun for me, especially when they can really start doing so much more for themselves and they aren't so frustrated with needing help all the time (at least DD was and still is at times).

[aHikaru]

Originally Posted by Quinalla 


This is me too, DD was so intense it was really hard for me, though I'm still mostly scared of not getting sleep. It was the worst thing about having a newborn the first time and I think it will be even worse with twins though I am praying/wishing/hoping that my twins are much better sleepers than DD was. I like babies pretty well, but bigger kids are so much more fun for me, especially when they can really start doing so much more for themselves and they aren't so frustrated with needing help all the time (at least DD was and still is at times).

I have this conversation a lot with friends. I tend to parent DD more that I mother her. All my mommy friends are wonderful mothers, but could be better parents. At first my friends didn't understand the concept at first, but after some thought they realized that finding balance between the two is the hardest part of having a child.

I do admit before DD I was the last person people would come to for sympathy, but now I have DD I am able to have deep conversations, such as the parent vs mother conversation. I'm known for being a "philosopher" and speaking the truth, even my mother said "80% of the time, I speak with meaningful truth" and the other 20% "I don't make sense", she's probably referring to my "hippie talk" :p. 

Overall I think having a child changes some part of us for the better, the 9 months in utero just gives us more time to spend with our LO's before our significant others take over :)

[jacquelinej]

Originally Posted by Quinalla 


This is me too, DD was so intense it was really hard for me, though I'm still mostly scared of not getting sleep. It was the worst thing about having a newborn the first time and I think it will be even worse with twins though I am praying/wishing/hoping that my twins are much better sleepers than DD was. I like babies pretty well, but bigger kids are so much more fun for me, especially when they can really start doing so much more for themselves and they aren't so frustrated with needing help all the time (at least DD was and still is at times).

I also have a very intense DD and she was from before day 1 (birth).  I have a big fear of not getting enough sleep because it is me that usually is taking care of her, not DH (her step father, but even still her real father would not lift a finger and her step father does a lot more for her) especially when she is sick, scared, lonely, etc.  DH has finally come to recognize that when I say I 'need to leave the house for a cup of coffee' he doesn't nag me about the coffee still in the house!  He knows now that for me to get any meaningful work done, I can't be around DD.  She is too demanding.  Even if I tell her to let me be and do her own thing, she doesn't.  He has had to jump (literally) in front of me on days when I am too sick to take care of her when she starts asking for things because I will get up and do it if she asks me.  She turns 7 in 2 days...and I am still waiting for the independence to kick in....

[Quinalla]

jacquelinej, I hear you on DD wanting to come to me more than DH, though at least now she will go to bed for DH. Thank goodness because that is going to be his FT job when the twins arrive! She was very mommy clingy until she was home sick from daycare with DH when I was traveling for work, after that, they were both more easy with each other and she will take comfort from him more often. Can't blame her though, she took so much comfort from BFing that it was only natural for her to associate me with comfort. Also, DH isn't as sensitive and gentle as I am and sometimes that is a good thing, she goes to him first whens she wants to play rough-and-tumble which is good as I can't do that now and prefer to play other ways usually.

aHikaru, interesting, I think I see what you mean about mothering vs. parenting. I think I am better at parenting too (which I see as the teaching & discipline side of it), I never thought about it that way!

Another thing that has helped me bond with the twins is getting DD involved. I think it is good to remind her they are on their way and it is another way for me to connect with them too.