When I heard dh wouldn't be home in time for X-mas (as he normally would but plans changed:-( ), which we (kids & I since it's our thing and our culture) were looking forward to so much, I couldn't help but break down feel sad and misunderstood and cry in front of the kids. For days already we were happily anticipating the evening family celebration to come. Didn't help for me having flu this week and not feeling ok hardly having a voice to speak. And I felt so alone. So alone for not being understood. I do so much for these kids ands this family in trying to create a warm and well-functioning household we are generally a happy family without big issues. But then you find your needs seem like nothing, your wishes seem to be selfish, while you understand others are thinking of themselves, butreally have no clue to put themselves in your shoes and understand what Iyou may be wanting, feeling, needing too. When a person feels sad he/she needs some empathy, some understanding. Dh not being there, the kids either not seeming to care or seeming helpless and clueless. And I, alone in my sadness and frustration. Together but alone.
What was making me even more upset was realising the youngest REALLY DOESN'T GET IT when I feel sad either. The only thing he was bothered with was the clock (his obsession lately, watching clock all the time around leaving-for-school-time (he's 6), anxiety for being late for school, teacher's reactions, at least these are my observations). With the youngest, life seems so much of a struggle much of the time. Everything needs reminding reminding reminding. So many everyday things need explaining explaining explaining. Not that this always helps in having him understand how things go, why, when, etc. You need a high frustration limit and a lot of patience for this, which you sometimes just do not have (anymore). And I need a hug sometimes too. And then he doesn't hug. I can hug him, maybe he'll let me once in a while, but he doesn't hug back. And he doesn't understand. And so there I was in my sad dip, , and him screeching and crying and almost-tantruming for seeing us getting late for school. His brother clueless in the middle of it. While mom, upset and in tears, was just not in a state to get out in public and get kids to school at the usual time... she really needed some time to get herself together, 10-15 minutes maybe... And a hug or an arm around her shoulder or a sweet word of comfort or understanding. Then realising you cannot even have that makes you feel so alone.
Anyway, you then you (have to) get yourself together, do the school bring job, which realyy was like a 'duty' this time, we wrre in time, but no relief. You wish you would have had 30 minutes to first come to yourself, at home, and then leave the house when you feel better. The younger one has no understandi,ng nor patience for such situation. Also you hate being ill and alone with the kids for a whole week, this week. And it is rough to always need to be understanding, patient, deal with frustrations of others and then those of yourself on top of that, and sometimes you can feel so alone or helpless with it.
But I will be fine, I need to be. But it's just so difficult to deal with 'difficult' ('other') persons to walk on eggshells or be creative or understanding all the time. I wish it could just be easier sometimes. I wish others would be creative flexible and understanding towards me too or could show some of it at least.
Edited by changes - 12/21/12 at 11:50am
We have all been there. For many parents of special needs kids, self-care is one of the first things to get pushed aside
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