Toddlers will do things together that they wouldn't necessarily do alone. Well, maybe that's just my toddler. 
Your friends overreacted and I'm sorry your daughter is receiving the brunt of it.
ah, that's sad!- IMO
I clearly have views on how other should treat others and I "assume" your pastor has them too!
Throw in the gossiping, shaming, etc., and I would have called it a day a long time ago- and that is me.
ETA-Just curious and this may not apply, but do you have another (assistant) pastor you could speak to regarding this?
Just from the other persons perspective.... I have a friend who brings her destructo child around once a week and I have to plan an hour before their arrival to move everything out of reach and eyesight of their child - you set your home up to suit your family not anybody elses! My dd is such a neat freak that yeah I can leave markers and paints out for her, most of the other visitors we have are fine with it too. However the first time the cheeky monkey got into the paints and and trashed my curtains I learned to assume if its capable of making a mess a mess will be made. The mom apologised to me and offered to clean them - which I declined. I really don't think you should have had to pay for anything - it's annoying but it's a live and learn situation. I would suggest that if they really want you to pay / replace these items they don't value your friendship as much as you thought - it doesn't sound like they are poverty stricken.
really doesn't matter what you or I think- the other family wants it paid for and it's going to be
in this case they seem to have enough means but it appears to be a principle of some sort to them
I completely agree
even at the tender age of three, I have found they CAN help clean up, the CAN understand what they did was wrong, and the CAN help to go buy another item to understand damage was caused and you try and make it right again- I feel this are good lessons and not some special thing that need wait until they are older to learn- they certainly CAN and very much do understand others are up-set (be it right or not) so they CAN grasp some of what is going on-like it or not
OP, I think you and your family have given this situation a lot of respect and consideration. It shows that you care deeply for both this family and the experiences of your self and your young child. I do agree that this sounds more like it may be a reaction against your parenting style. I think at this point a nice note along with the money for the replaced items is the way to go. Kill them with kindness and regret, explain that you and your daughter were embarrassed when everyone laughed on NYE. Make future plans outside of their home (and yours, honestly). It does not matter if they suspect this is because you no longer feel welcome in their home. This is something they need to understand in a subtly way.
I suspect that this family is going to draw negativity and gossip towards them in the near future. When that day comes, I think members of your social/church group will ask you to participate, knowing or suspecting that you were one of the first families to be on the receiving end of this sort of behavior. Be prepared to take the high-road.
Kristha has decided to pay for the items and has said this is a non-issue. Perhaps if folks want to continue hashing this out starting a new thread is a better way to go about it.
I suspect that given the OP last post that she and her DH will be walking a real tightrope of sort given this is a "religious" issue of sorts ( I am assuming it is to the other family)-gossiping, shame, etc. and if they are in opposition to their pastor regarding discipline that makes it so difficult.
A terrible position to be in with of all people- your pastor. It makes it hard because no matter much you try others do gossip and there is always speculation placed on your family......until the next family it happens to.
Good luck OP can't be easy.
Originally Posted by serenbat
......until the next family it happens to.
Good luck OP can't be easy.
I agree. I have been in a few similar situations -- just yucky interactions that nothing but time and patience can fix. OP, I feel confident that you will ultimately be rewarded by your thoughtfulness. At best, this family will come to see the error of their ways...but if that doesn't happen the rest of your community will come to see it and you will be remembered for having handled a difficult situation with grace.
I would be furious - I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! 
You have taken the high road in every way possible, and it seems like they are still out to punish your entire family. I understand them needing a moment to recover, as they are attached to their nice things, but their behavior is getting more and more rude by the minute.
I know you can't keep a toddler from blurting things out - but the fact that this was her greeting (AND that all your friends were in on the joke, apparently) tells me her parents are making a giant deal about this to anyone who will listen. At the total expense of your DD's feelings! What is more important here, things or people? Clearly, your friends have decided it's the former. They have displayed none of the sensitivity or tact you've employed at all - and regardless of whether they foresaw the problem or not, they have to accept *some* responsibility for introducing the weapons of mass destruction!
I don't think these people are really great friends, honestly. I can give them leeway for an overreaction, but this is just rude and inconsiderate. Shoving the video monitor into your hands...that seems clearly judgmental, but even if that wasn't the intention, taking away crayons?!?! When you are all right there on the scene??? 
Clearly, they want you and your DD to feel "punished" - and persecuted. For one toddler mistake, that was partially their fault (for providing the markers AND for not supervising).
Maybe it merits one last discussion - saying, "look, I know these things are important to you, and I've offered to do everything I can to fix/clean/replace them...but where does it end? Will it ever be good enough? They are just kids and you are partially responsible for this, too. What is more important in the long run to you - things or our friendship? Because I'm getting the message that it's the things, and that we are no longer wanted here. I won't come over when I'm not wanted or where my DD will be treated like a criminal." Maybe set up new house rules or make it clear you will supervise your DD so they feel more comfortable. But I'm not sure that's possible...
At the end of the day, make sure you are sending the right message to DD - we all make mistakes, and we deserve a chance to learn from them and be forgiven. Not to be treated horribly forever after.
OP, I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your little girl. Reading your updates about NYE my heart broke for her and you at how she was treated in their home. There's no excuse for such rudeness -- it would have been very bad manners and very unkind to do even to an adult, and shaming a small child like that is just awful. I agree with a pp who said that no mistake can be worse than people continually drawing attention to and telling others of that mistake. Even worse that he's your pastor and that you have to see them on a regular basis. I think your idea of seeing them only on neutral ground or hosting at your house for a while is a good one. If they notice and ask why you are pulling back -- as they should -- I think it would be very beneficial to have a gentle, honest talk with them about how their behavior has hurt and shamed your whole family.
You've handled the situation gracefully and responsibly. They have not. You and your child will come out the winner in this, regardless of how it feels right now.
Okay, this is a pastor and his family? I don't know what to say. Honestly, I've got nothing......
this is good BUT, if you are dealing with someone (and only assuming here-not all are this way!!) they may take what ever you do as all wrong- if you tell them about THEIR behavior they might not even get it- they may simply look at you and your DD (even down the road at every chance they get) to view how you acted for the reason of everything she does wrong in their eyes
It's sad (again not always the case) when you "can" have a religious element that may colors the discipline (and all the other things with this), the OP may be viewed as having not correctly disciplined her child in their eyes- it's hard to say. I certainly see why the monetary element might have come into play for them.
I would be very cautious in my decision to truly express how you feel and I surely hope you don't get cornered by the husband without your DH there and have to quickly explain. Some time down the line you will either need to confront or be confronted and that sucks!
Intentional or not, how do you teach your children to be responsible for their action? Are they only responsible for certain things- like when they drive but nothing else? If your kids toys cause someone to fall in your home and they break a bone do you just say oh well? I can think of numerous things- my mothers just had a neighbor's tree fall on her home- they had to pay for it (via insurance) but they had to take the responsibility even though they themselves didn't do it- act of nature.
Just wondering how you and others who feel this way square this.
It looks like I missed your question, Serenbat...I apologize.
By not hounding guests for monetary replacements or making a fuss over objects and stuff, I'm hopefully setting a great example for dd about how our values run. If my dd was at another home, however, I would probably offer a solution to "make it right", and also demonstrate taking responsibility. I think we're talking about two slightly different value sets. One, the value of people over stuff, and two, the moral and ethical responsibility we take for our actions.
Say someone sits on my fancy-schmanzy leather couch with a pen in his pocket and it explodes. It's an accident! Now we have a splotchy artsy schmanzy couch. I would never say "hey dude, I know you didn't mean it, but how about you cough up a couple grand for a new one?"
we carry personal liability insurance- I would never think to cause damage (accident or not) and say oh well- screw you
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