Birth Anxiety? « Back to Group Discussions

[Fujiko]

Anybody else getting anxiety when they think about their impending birth?

I'm a mama of two. With the first I was induced (pre-e), had a full-on induction without an epidural where I pushed for an hour before we threw in the towel because my dd was poorly positioned and not going anywhere. Ended with a c-section. I was so excited to be a new mom, that I promptly forgot all about all the pain of labor (which I don't remember do be that bad, especially given the circumstances!). I was excited for the next one right away, but it would be another three years...

My second was a home waterbirth, with no interventions whatsoever, active labor was only four or five hours long, pushed for maybe an hour and a half or so, before my ds was born. With his birth I had a 3.5 degree tear, which I actually didn't feel when it happened but the repair was soooooo painful. (It did heal well, though.) Throughout labor and birth, it seemed from the outside that I was handling everything well, and I had expected to handle things well because of the relaxed atmosphere, all natural, etc, but on the inside my brain was screaming THIS IS AWFUL! The contractions made me feel like my body was being crushed in a vice. His skull felt like it barely fit through my pelvis, and the bone-on-bone pressure was indescribable. It felt like they were asking me to do the impossible (which I did, but not in an "i'm awesome" sort of way, more like a "I almost died from that experience" sort of way). And the repair didn't help my state of mind. But with it done, I tried to forget, and focus on my new baby. 

Three years later, I'm about to give birth to #3, this time with a well-respected group of hospital nurse midwives. (The change of venue has nothing to do with my experiences...) And I'm really, really freaked out. I had no idea I would feel this way, but I feel like this birth has snuck up on me, and I'm not as bonded to this baby (which would be a nice distraction) because I've been so busy taking care of my family. But I feel like I'm looking down the barrel of a gun. Every time I get strong BH contractions (that feel like early labor contractions) I get a wave of anxiety and adrenaline. I'm terrified, and I don't know why. I guess I thought for #2 it would be easier, or better, and I found the exact opposite, and I haven't forgotten. I'm afraid that it's going to be at least that bad. Another thing is that I don't think I could get pain relief without it ending up in a c-section, since my body doesn't do the whole "fetal ejection reflex" thing. All the pushing I've ever done with my births has been of my own voluntary effort, and not from getting a pushing urge (even with laboring down with #2). So if I get an epidural, I won't be able to push, and that would end in a c-section.

And every time I think about how I'm going to have a new baby to hold and love and take care of, it seems like a far-off fantasy, not real. So that's going to be a shocker, too. 

Sorry I wrote a book. I guess I just needed to get things off my chest with people who won't think I'm crazy.

[aruss]

I totally get that. I'm pregnant with #5, have had 4 home births and for whatever reason this time I am terrified. I've been doing the hypno babies home study and it has helped some, I feel more positive about it. My problem is that my labors are so fast I don't have time to go get an epidural or I really would this time. So I have to deal with it. But not excited, don't feel bonded, kind of dreading the next few months basically. Hugs to you.

[seaheroine]

HUGS, mama. You are definitely not crazy.

I totally feel you.  My first birth was an nineish hour homebirth which, while painful, ended up being manageable.  After she was born, I actually thought, "Well, that wasn't so bad!  I could do this again in a week!"

So I was totally unprepared for my second birth, also a homebirth, which began with my water breaking at 41 weeks and baby coming out about an hour and ten minutes later.  It was AWFUL.  I didn't think pain of that magnitude was possible.  Your description of a vice is a good one.  After she was born, I swore up and down she'd be the last one, or that I'd be having an epidural in the hospital at the very least, but here I am, staring down that same barrel with my homebirth.  Some days I feel like it's a mental thing, that I can override the feelings that will come along with labor, but then in the back of my mind, I know it isn't true.  I am so hoping for a slower birth this time, maybe a little time to adjust to the contractions.  Just a few weeks ago I had some stomach indigestion and actually broke out in a cold sweat of fear and pain from the cramps.  From cramps that actually only lasted less than ten minutes.  I don't know what to do or how to handle it other than just repeat that I've done it before, I can do it again, I will get through it and there is a baby waiting on the other side.

I also am trying to visualize and relax, keep my tongue behind my two front teeth as it really does help relax your whole body.  Visualization was really effective with my first up until transition, and at that point, I knew nothing was going to help anyway.  With my second, though, there was no time for visualization.  It was like zero to transition in two minutes.  Hypnobirthing really helped with number one, but again, the coping mechanism just didn't apply due to the precipitious arrival of number two.  I just can't think of anything I could have done differently to make it different.  I just need more time than one hour to cope!  For all I know, though, another two or three hours wouldn't have made a difference.  Number two was positioned perfectly, too, as opposed to number one who was posterior and asynclitic.

So, yes, I am having the same anxiety.  Hopefully this time around birthing will be easier for everyone who wants it to be so...I hear those third babies are wildcards, so there isn't much I can do but wait.   
 

[Ms Rabbit]

I've also been feeling a lot of anxiety lately. I don't have anything really to worry about in particular; albeit precipitous, my labours have been fairly 'easy'.

My labour with DS1 was terrifying, it lasted 4.5 hours total and I went from 3-10cm in about 45 minutes. My midwives kept telling me to calm down, it was going to take hours, etc. Nobody had realized I was in transition (I was too panicked to even realize even though my contractions were one on top of the other), all I could think was "we just got here, I was just checked at 3cm, there is no way I can handle several more hours of this, I can't even catch my breath". I dove into a state of panic and fear and wasn't able to think clearly or express myself, I felt so out of control and terrified. I ended up with minor tearing and a minor PPH, but all in all nothing serious. However, my labour with DS2 was a peaceful, calm and relaxed homebirth. It was lightening quick (90 mins) and very intense, but I felt so in control and comfortable that I was able to handle it beautifully. I thought this experience really helped me to come to terms with the fear I had about my first labour, and solidfy just how beautiful birth can be. However, here I am a few weeks away and the fear is creeping back up on me. I am planning another homebirth with the same midwives as DS2, I am healthy and fit and nothing in particular to be concerned about. But I still just can't shake that fear from DS1's birth. It has taken me quite by surprise, as up until recenty I've been so calm and relxed about giving birth again.

[LemonPie]

Yep. I've done the epi birth, the hospital NCB, and the c-section. I keep telling DH that I wish this one could arrive by osmosis.