Anybody else getting anxiety when they think about their impending birth?
I'm a mama of two. With the first I was induced (pre-e), had a full-on induction without an epidural where I pushed for an hour before we threw in the towel because my dd was poorly positioned and not going anywhere. Ended with a c-section. I was so excited to be a new mom, that I promptly forgot all about all the pain of labor (which I don't remember do be that bad, especially given the circumstances!). I was excited for the next one right away, but it would be another three years...
My second was a home waterbirth, with no interventions whatsoever, active labor was only four or five hours long, pushed for maybe an hour and a half or so, before my ds was born. With his birth I had a 3.5 degree tear, which I actually didn't feel when it happened but the repair was soooooo painful. (It did heal well, though.) Throughout labor and birth, it seemed from the outside that I was handling everything well, and I had expected to handle things well because of the relaxed atmosphere, all natural, etc, but on the inside my brain was screaming THIS IS AWFUL! The contractions made me feel like my body was being crushed in a vice. His skull felt like it barely fit through my pelvis, and the bone-on-bone pressure was indescribable. It felt like they were asking me to do the impossible (which I did, but not in an "i'm awesome" sort of way, more like a "I almost died from that experience" sort of way). And the repair didn't help my state of mind. But with it done, I tried to forget, and focus on my new baby.
Three years later, I'm about to give birth to #3, this time with a well-respected group of hospital nurse midwives. (The change of venue has nothing to do with my experiences...) And I'm really, really freaked out. I had no idea I would feel this way, but I feel like this birth has snuck up on me, and I'm not as bonded to this baby (which would be a nice distraction) because I've been so busy taking care of my family. But I feel like I'm looking down the barrel of a gun. Every time I get strong BH contractions (that feel like early labor contractions) I get a wave of anxiety and adrenaline. I'm terrified, and I don't know why. I guess I thought for #2 it would be easier, or better, and I found the exact opposite, and I haven't forgotten. I'm afraid that it's going to be at least that bad. Another thing is that I don't think I could get pain relief without it ending up in a c-section, since my body doesn't do the whole "fetal ejection reflex" thing. All the pushing I've ever done with my births has been of my own voluntary effort, and not from getting a pushing urge (even with laboring down with #2). So if I get an epidural, I won't be able to push, and that would end in a c-section.
And every time I think about how I'm going to have a new baby to hold and love and take care of, it seems like a far-off fantasy, not real. So that's going to be a shocker, too.
Sorry I wrote a book. I guess I just needed to get things off my chest with people who won't think I'm crazy.