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Is there a light at the end of the tunnel when dating a brand new mommy?

post #1 of 28
Thread Starter 

Hello everyone, some may remember me. I started dating my current girlfriend back in Auguest when she was 8 months pregnant. Before, she had her baby in October, we were becoming really close. We would talk on the phone several times a day, text all day and see eachother at least everyother day. They she had her baby, I was there in the delivery room nd I even helped her dive birth to her boy. I even cut the cord. For the next month or so, we still talked on the phone and texted and she always told me to come over every day.

 

Well, I know new moms go through this pos-pardom-depression and their harmones are up and down and their main focus is their baby. But I feel like she has totlaly lost all interest in me. We don't hold hands or kiss anymore, talk less on the phone and text less. Never really see eachother. A few weeks ago, I finally sat down with her to ask her what was going on. She told me that she didn't know why she wasn't feeling affectionate or love towards me. She love and cared for me no more than she loves and cares about her friends; however, I was the most speicial man besides her boy in her life.

 

She told that I am the perfect man for her and man of her dreams as she described everything in detail. But being the perfect man for her and for her boy, she did not know why she could not feel any emotion or love for me or show affection.

 

I don't know what to do. Was I just too nice to her and got myself in the frriend phase? Should I give it more time?

 

In the last letter I wrote, people were pretty brutal and disrespectful so I only ask that please tell me what you think is going on, may help me figure out how can I be the man of her dreams, the mean she wants to end up with, the man she wants help raising her boy but a man she has no feelings for?

 

Thank you for your time , I just need some advice on this.

post #2 of 28
You're in friend phase. Sorry dude.
post #3 of 28
I think she's telling you she just wants to be friends. Sorry. You can be the most perfect match in the world "on paper" but if she's not feeling the spark then there's nothing you can do to change that.

There is the slightest possibility that a spark will develop in time but I really wouldn't get your hopes up. I think you need to decide whether you can (and want to) just be friends with no expectation on your part of anything more or whether you would rather not be involved with her on those terms. She's made her intentions clear, those are your only options IMO.
post #4 of 28

She has said she loves you only as much as a friend. You are a friend and a nice guy to her but that is it. She isn't into you romantically.

Feelings aren't something you can force. Time isn't going to change a lack of attraction/spark between you. This relationship isn't going anywhere.

You should move on.

post #5 of 28
Quote:

Originally Posted by Topgun90 View Post

 

I don't know what to do. Was I just too nice to her and got myself in the frriend phase? Should I give it more time?

 

In the last letter I wrote, people were pretty brutal and disrespectful so I only ask that please tell me what you think is going on, may help me figure out how can I be the man of her dreams, the mean she wants to end up with, the man she wants help raising her boy but a man she has no feelings for?

 

Thank you for your time , I just need some advice on this.

 

I won't be brutal, but I seriously think you need to give some thought to your view of relationships. The part I bolded put my hackles up, and would be a red flag to me if I were the one you were dating - it might actually be enough for me to break things off right there, as it smacks of a manipulative approach, and a seriously negative view of women. I love my husband (married ten years, started dating online 12 years ago) more than I can say, and I'm very definitely passionate about him. He's very nice to me. You don't get put in friend phase by being "too nice". You get put in friend phase, because she's not feeling the spark.

 

As far as what you can do...there's no way to know. She may or may not get interested in you romantically/sexually again at some point. Different women react differently to pregnancy, childbirth and the early days with babies. I've got four living children, and I haven't reacted the same way every time. Sometimes, I go through a phase where I really have to work at thinking of my husband in a romantic/sexual fashion, instead of "just" as a friend and childrearing partner. Other times, I'm all over him again as soon as I've recovered from the c-section. I think it's a complicated interplay of hormones, exhaustion, and the general emotional processing/aftermath of birth and becoming a mom, and it affects different people in different ways.

 

I guess you need to decide if you're willing to be there as her friend, or not. If you're just going to be waiting for her to change her mind, the dynamic isn't going to be good for either of you. If you can just accept things as they are, you may be okay. Her feelings may or may not change as the baby gets older. There's really no way to tell from outside. There just isn't.

 

The fact that she says she feels no affection is a bit worrying, and honestly does sound like it might be PPD. But, I really can't say - I don't know her and I don't know you, yk?

post #6 of 28
I agree with StormBride... and I don't think there is such a thing as being "too nice" -- aside from when it involves neglecting your own needs/happiness significantly, but that wouldn't likely move you to "friend" status.

If she has told you that she sees you as nothing more than a friend, it's time to move on. Maybe in a year or so she'll feel differently, or maybe she's just not into you anymore and no amount of time would help.

I know for me it was a long time after my son was born (a good year or more, actually he's 4 now and it's still a struggle) before I had anything left in me at the end of the day to put into romantic feelings toward my husband. It's not that I loved him less or anything... just that having a high-needs child, coupled with other issues (postpartum depression, and a chronic physical illness, PTSD, and other stresses) zapped all my energy or desire for intimacy. I spent 23.5 hours a day physically attached to my son, and when I finally had 1/2 an hour of space I certainly didn't want to spend it cuddling up with someone else. I love my husband, we have been together for 10 years and we had ~6 good years before our child was born... that holds us together despite the struggles with intimacy & affection. Also, I can tell him all this now, and I could tell him the same thing back when our child was first born. The fact that your girlfriend hasn't said anything like this to you leads me to think she either has poor insight into her inner world (very possible) or she just isn't into you.

I think when you first posted I asked you what she thinks and how she wants the relationship to proceed (or not proceed). Did you ask her that directly? Does she want to break up with you, and is trying to do it gently, or does she want you to hang on for a while longer while she adjusts? Does she need space for a while? Ask her. Don't ask us, we don't know her or you, only the two of you can decide whether the relationship should continue, and if either of you wants to break it off, it's time to break it off. There shouldn't be conditions -- "I want to stay with you, but only if you hug & kiss me at least twice every day" -- if you agree to stay with each other, it needs to be with full acceptance of the current reality of your relationship.
post #7 of 28
Thread Starter 

Crunchy_mommm, I like your screen name , it makes me laugh. To be honest, when I've asked her, she says things like, "I don't know why it's so hard for me to feel anything"..."I think we should  give ti some more time".  I mean, I haven't flat said, let's be done but I've asked her her/our status a couple of times and she is never sure. She also tells me kind of what you were referring to about time, she never really stops to think about it.

 

Everyone is right and I agree with the fact that this is going nowher; however, a little part of mf alwasy keeps me from breaking it off. I'm either too chicken or there is something there really keeping me from doing it. I just wanted to hear from other moms the real deal before i broke it off, just in case I missed anything or see if anyone else had a smiliar situation with hope in it. Thank you for listening (or reading) and providing me your insight.

post #8 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Topgun90 View Post

 

Everyone is right and I agree with the fact that this is going nowher; however, a little part of mf alwasy keeps me from breaking it off. I'm either too chicken or there is something there really keeping me from doing it.

 

Is it possible that you feel uncomfortable breaking off the relationship because you don't want to dump a new mom? You don't want to be the guy that runs away from the mom with the little baby? If the relationship isn't working, it isn't working. If you're comfortable being her friend without any romantic expectations, you can do that if she's welcoming to that level of relationship. But if either of you aren't comfortable with that, and the romantic side isn't there, you're really doing a favor to both of you by ending the relationship sooner rather than later. 

post #9 of 28

you started dating in August? Thats all of... 4 months now?

If you truly loved her, you would give it 2-4 years and if she's still not showing affection by then, you'll know to move on.  I don't buy the "friend phase" stuff. My husband wanted me to be his gf for over 3 years before I said yes and even then I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing. Sometimes the best friends make the best partners even with no spark in the beginning. The first 10 years with him were the best of my life.  (Now the last few have crumbled so maybe I shouldn't be giving advice lol)

When you really love someone you don't give up this soon or easily. My son was born 5 years ago and I'm quite sure at 2 months old it was a very good day if I found time to comb my hair or sleep more than a 45 minute stretch. My guess is she won't be ready to commit to any serious relationship for at least 2 years. Thats 2 years, not 2 months.

If this bothers you, then you need to move on. If you're willing to wait, then wonderful. You can have a wonderful friendship, she might grow to love you as a life partner, or she might not. Its a risk you need to decide whether or not you want to take. I don't think love is something that happens overnight, maybe it happens for some people but it definitely does not for me.

Personally I think you are still in the infatuation phase and I suggest waiting at least a year before trying to convince yourself that you need this girl and her baby in your life permanently.  Whats the big rush?

There is no such thing as being "too nice" to someone. I assume you meant something else but worded it poorly. She does sound very lucky to have you in her life doing nice things for her and the baby, however I think this "relationship" came on much too quickly.  Having a baby changes your life. Her old life is over and her new one has just begun.

 

post #10 of 28
Thread Starter 

Newmum35, You actually set a different perspective for me. You're absolutely right about being best friends and that partnership. I don't expect her to love me or be in love with me right now, but I just have a hard time dealing with the fact that she has no feelings for me. But what you said and this goes for everyone else who listened (read) to me this week has helped. Maybe I should have that conversation ans ask her its she doesnt want to feel anything or if its just that she was starting to and the baby has her distracted from it.

post #11 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by newmum35 View Post

you started dating in August? Thats all of... 4 months now?

If you truly loved her, you would give it 2-4 years and if she's still not showing affection by then, you'll know to move on.  I don't buy the "friend phase" stuff. My husband wanted me to be his gf for over 3 years before I said yes and even then I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing. Sometimes the best friends make the best partners even with no spark in the beginning. The first 10 years with him were the best of my life.  (Now the last few have crumbled so maybe I shouldn't be giving advice lol)

When you really love someone you don't give up this soon or easily. My son was born 5 years ago and I'm quite sure at 2 months old it was a very good day if I found time to comb my hair or sleep more than a 45 minute stretch. My guess is she won't be ready to commit to any serious relationship for at least 2 years. Thats 2 years, not 2 months.

If this bothers you, then you need to move on. If you're willing to wait, then wonderful. You can have a wonderful friendship, she might grow to love you as a life partner, or she might not. Its a risk you need to decide whether or not you want to take. I don't think love is something that happens overnight, maybe it happens for some people but it definitely does not for me.

Personally I think you are still in the infatuation phase and I suggest waiting at least a year before trying to convince yourself that you need this girl and her baby in your life permanently.  Whats the big rush?

There is no such thing as being "too nice" to someone. I assume you meant something else but worded it poorly. She does sound very lucky to have you in her life doing nice things for her and the baby, however I think this "relationship" came on much too quickly.  Having a baby changes your life. Her old life is over and her new one has just begun.

 

 

This.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post

 

I won't be brutal, but I seriously think you need to give some thought to your view of relationships. The part I bolded put my hackles up, and would be a red flag to me if I were the one you were dating - it might actually be enough for me to break things off right there, as it smacks of a manipulative approach, and a seriously negative view of women. I love my husband (married ten years, started dating online 12 years ago) more than I can say, and I'm very definitely passionate about him. He's very nice to me. You don't get put in friend phase by being "too nice". You get put in friend phase, because she's not feeling the spark.

 

As far as what you can do...there's no way to know. She may or may not get interested in you romantically/sexually again at some point. Different women react differently to pregnancy, childbirth and the early days with babies. I've got four living children, and I haven't reacted the same way every time. Sometimes, I go through a phase where I really have to work at thinking of my husband in a romantic/sexual fashion, instead of "just" as a friend and childrearing partner. Other times, I'm all over him again as soon as I've recovered from the c-section. I think it's a complicated interplay of hormones, exhaustion, and the general emotional processing/aftermath of birth and becoming a mom, and it affects different people in different ways.

 

I guess you need to decide if you're willing to be there as her friend, or not. If you're just going to be waiting for her to change her mind, the dynamic isn't going to be good for either of you. If you can just accept things as they are, you may be okay. Her feelings may or may not change as the baby gets older. There's really no way to tell from outside. There just isn't.

 

The fact that she says she feels no affection is a bit worrying, and honestly does sound like it might be PPD. But, I really can't say - I don't know her and I don't know you, yk?

 

This, too. If she's not feeling it, she's not feeling it. You can't force her. Wait until she is ready, when/if she is ready. Any relationship you may or may not end up in, with anyone, involves, and affects, both the other person, not only you. She matters - her feeling matter - too.

post #12 of 28

No, don't give it more time.  Move on.  Learn something from the relationship and move on as a better you for someone better for you.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post

 

I won't be brutal, but I seriously think you need to give some thought to your view of relationships. The part I bolded put my hackles up, and would be a red flag to me if I were the one you were dating - it might actually be enough for me to break things off right there, as it smacks of a manipulative approach, and a seriously negative view of women. I love my husband (married ten years, started dating online 12 years ago) more than I can say, and I'm very definitely passionate about him. He's very nice to me. You don't get put in friend phase by being "too nice". You get put in friend phase, because she's not feeling the spark.

 

 

I didn't even read the first post completely through, nor your post completely through, but I don't understand why the bolded phrase would be a red flag to you.  I think when people use the phrase "too nice" they are talking about the person having no backbone.  I know many women and men who do not want someone "too nice" and that "too nice" factor causes the lack of spark.  Who wants someone too agreeable or only agreeable to agree?  Being very nice to someone is different than being too nice and though it's semantics in terms of the phrasing, the meanings, to me, are very, very different. 

post #13 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mulvah View Post
I didn't even read the first post completely through, nor your post completely through, but I don't understand why the bolded phrase would be a red flag to you.  I think when people use the phrase "too nice" they are talking about the person having no backbone.  I know many women and men who do not want someone "too nice" and that "too nice" factor causes the lack of spark.  Who wants someone too agreeable or only agreeable to agree?  Being very nice to someone is different than being too nice and though it's semantics in terms of the phrasing, the meanings, to me, are very, very different. 

 

If I heard someone refer to someone else - an ex or friend or whatever - as being "too nice", I'd interpret it the way you're talking about. When I hear someone say, "was I too nice" or "I was too nice", it comes across very, very differently. The OP sounds to me like the kind of guy who thinks that being nice is supposed to earn him a payoff of some kind...preferably physical (although I'll give him that he's apparently not badgering him for actual sex). Guys who think they're being "too nice" always strike me as being kind of predatory.

post #14 of 28

Sometimes I've heard folks wonder about being "too nice" if they are putting all the effort into a relationship--like they are solely responsible for making a the relationship happen, so they give up a lot or give in a lot or don't make any demands in this effort to keep the thing alive...but that's just going to backfire eventually.

post #15 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mulvah View Post

No, don't give it more time.  Move on.  Learn something from the relationship and move on as a better you for someone better for you.

 

 

I didn't even read the first post completely through, nor your post completely through, but I don't understand why the bolded phrase would be a red flag to you.  I think when people use the phrase "too nice" they are talking about the person having no backbone.  I know many women and men who do not want someone "too nice" and that "too nice" factor causes the lack of spark.  Who wants someone too agreeable or only agreeable to agree?  Being very nice to someone is different than being too nice and though it's semantics in terms of the phrasing, the meanings, to me, are very, very different. 

 

Because a lot of men (and perhaps women, as well, I don't have any experience with that), use "I am *so* nice to you!" "I did/do so many things for you" etcetera to guilt the other person into doing something that the "so nice" person wants to do, many times that the other party may or may not want to do. At least that's been my experience.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post

 

If I heard someone refer to someone else - an ex or friend or whatever - as being "too nice", I'd interpret it the way you're talking about. When I hear someone say, "was I too nice" or "I was too nice", it comes across very, very differently. The OP sounds to me like the kind of guy who thinks that being nice is supposed to earn him a payoff of some kind...preferably physical (although I'll give him that he's apparently not badgering him for actual sex). Guys who think they're being "too nice" always strike me as being kind of predatory.

 

yeahthat.gif

post #16 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by bmcneal View Post

 

Because a lot of men (and perhaps women, as well, I don't have any experience with that), use "I am *so* nice to you!" "I did/do so many things for you" etcetera to guilt the other person into doing something that the "so nice" person wants to do, many times that the other party may or may not want to do. At least that's been my experience.

 

 

Again, I view the "I am so nice to you" as a very different thing than "too nice".  When I hear "too nice", it has almost always been in the context of having no backbone, being overly agreeable to be agreeable, and basically just trying to be what they think that other person wants. 

 

I have no idea what the OP is like in real life and I'm not going to base his personality on one post.  However, it is clear he should move on from this relationship.

post #17 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mulvah View Post

 

Again, I view the "I am so nice to you" as a very different thing than "too nice".  When I hear "too nice", it has almost always been in the context of having no backbone, being overly agreeable to be agreeable, and basically just trying to be what they think that other person wants

 

I have no idea what the OP is like in real life and I'm not going to base his personality on one post.  However, it is clear he should move on from this relationship.


Yes - manipulating the other person's emotions through dishonesty. It's not "nice" at all, and it is manipulative.

 

I have no idea what OP is like - I was commenting on the particular comment he made...and if I were involved with him, it would have me tempted to run like a rabbit.

post #18 of 28

I consider my dh my best friend. Our baby was born 13 months after I met him. I did have romantic love feelings toward him before dd was born. There was never a time I didn't love him and view my relationship to him as more important/special than any other adult relationship/friendship even if I didn't always want sex or physical affection after dd was born. The love feelings were entirely separate from how I felt physically. Being tired or busy didn't make me not feel love toward him.

 

If this woman doesn't feel more than friendship toward Topgun90 then that is what the relationship is- friendship.  You can be her friend- with no expectation of love or romance- or you can ease out of her life entirely.

It is possible that after being friends for a long time things could change with her feelings. I don't think you should count on it though, putting your life on hold for however long it might take and possibly miss out on meeting someone else who you click with better.  I don't get the impression that you are so deeply in love with this woman that you couldn't date or fall for someone else if they were responding more positively/affectionately to you.

post #19 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post


Yes - manipulating the other person's emotions through dishonesty. It's not "nice" at all, and it is manipulative.

 

I have no idea what OP is like - I was commenting on the particular comment he made...and if I were involved with him, it would have me tempted to run like a rabbit.

 

Actually, no, that isn't what I stated, but you are free to take that statement and run wild with it like you did. 

post #20 of 28

It's not about running wild with it. I see trying to "be what the other person thinks they want" as manipulation. You didn't say it was manipulative, presumably because you don't see it that way. I never claimed that you did say that. But, I see that as inherently manipulative. I'm not putting words in your mouth, nor am I running wild with what you said. I simply see that kind of behaviour differently than you do.

 

If I realized that a guy was trying to be the person he thought I wanted, I'd end it - right there, no questions asked. If he can't do me the common courtesy of being who he actually is, so that I know what I'm actually dealing with, he's dishonest, and I'm not interested.

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