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Need Advice

post #1 of 38
12/31/12 at 8:46pm
Thread Starter 

Lately, I been so tired of gimmies and lack of gratitude. Tons of hatefulness,risk of hurting himself. Not doing homework. He is 8 years old and it feels like we are constantly battling with each other and anything I say he goes then I will do that to you like for loss of something then he goes if you take away my xbox I will take away your computer. He has gotten violent anger tantrums and tantrums where he seems like he's choking himself.

 

He doesn't listen to anything I say and if it's not something he wants he is Mad continously giving the angry glares or pouting.

 

So I wanted to know what to do because I feel like going TV Free and internet Free at home.

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post #2 of 38
12/31/12 at 9:17pm

Hugs to you, mama, feeling stressed in bringing in the new year!  I have some thoughts on how to help your son but wanted to give you a hug tonight. hug2.gif

post #3 of 38
12/31/12 at 9:23pm

Ahh. It's a hard time of year for the gimmies, isn't it? I noticed that the dark skies around here lately and the recent storm of presents seem to have had an effect on everyone's irritability in our house. Lots of impatience, all around. 

 

Can you guys do something fun together, like something he chooses to do? Sort of a re-boot? I did this yesterday and played Strawberry Shortcakes for 3 hours. Seems to have helped tremendously. I notice that when I feel like throwing dd out into the snow, it means that I should probably grab her and love her up to stop the whole cycle of nonsense...and it usually does work.

 

Hope the New Year brings you some much needed joy!

post #4 of 38
12/31/12 at 9:28pm
Thread Starter 

This behavior has even been even before the holidays and it's like increasing and I end up spending most of my days  crying.

post #5 of 38
12/31/12 at 9:30pm

Are you guys in a low-sun place of the world? 

post #6 of 38
12/31/12 at 9:46pm
Thread Starter 

nope

post #7 of 38
12/31/12 at 9:55pm

Are you thinking of going internet, etc-free because you think it is affecting him in some way? Or are you wanting to make him feel your power? If you did a no-demand day, like promised yourself that you would not ask him to do anything, not tell him what to do in any way...no bossing at all, would that feel really strange? Like, if you bit your tongue every time a demand was coming out, would you have a pretty bloody situation? I've noticed that sometimes when there's all that conflict, there are also a lot of demands both from a kid and on a kid and pretty soon it's demand followed by demand followed by demand all day long until it all sounds like a shouting boss-match. But it might help a lot..it does sound to me like you and he are head-crashing, but only you really have the power to unstick that.

post #8 of 38
12/31/12 at 10:10pm

I always go WAY back to basics if I'm feeling this stuck with my kid. It starts with me - organized, simplified home, good food, healthy schedule. I cut back on any non-essential drains on energy and focus. Limiting video, TV and computer would be part of that for me but not in a punitive way -- it's just that if you don't have the time and energy to invest in family relationships, the responsible choice is to limit those things, imo. How is sleep, predictable schedule, food, structure and etc. in your home right now? Is there anything that can go to improve those things? If so, GREAT!  I love when I can make big improvements because things haven't been as healthy as they could be. If you are already doing what you can do, I suggest some sort of therapy. Even if it's just reading books from the library or talking to your family doctor. 

 

Does your child attend any sort of schooling or activities? If so, how is his behavior there? 

post #9 of 38
12/31/12 at 10:25pm
Thread Starter 

I'm thinking of going TV and internet free because I wonder if the shows and games are affecting him.

 

I don't really demand him. It's like we go out to a movie then when I decided to eat dinner at a restaurant with his Grandma(my mom) and then to stores. It's Mr. Whining,Sulking,Pouting and then certain things he hears opposite or something he thinks he hears when I haven't said anything like saying You hate me,now your not going to get me this because you said those things and all I could be is just walking to the bathroom.

 

I'm feeling like he's the Upper Hand that I just want to scream and cry all the time because when he gets into his moods there no hearing and then when he's not in them he still not listening to anything I say even when I try to ask how his day is or what has he been he still doesn't say

post #10 of 38
12/31/12 at 10:54pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom2Brendan View Post

 It's Mr. Whining,Sulking,Pouting and then certain things he hears opposite or something he thinks he hears when I haven't said anything like saying You hate me,now your not going to get me this because you said those things and all I could be is just walking to the bathroom.

 

 

I wonder if he's doing this thing that dd does occasionally. She'll come out of nowhere and say "you are a mean mom. I'm not talking to you", and I'm like "whaa? Who? huh?" and it turns out that she's been mulling over something from yesterday, or she is misinterpreting something I said on a phone call to someone an hour before. But it throws me off...and most times I can bug her until it comes out, but once that took me an hour of pestering her only to find out she was mad about something really, really lame....but we fixed it, and I validated her, yet I asked if she could verbalize this thing right when she tells me I'm so mean...that way we don't have to fool around for an hour. Sometimes I really wonder, though, if she's just needing some focused attention and this is her sure-fire way of getting it? 

 

Do you ever get a break from Mr. Whineypants? Or has this been a "waking all the way through bedtime" funk he's in?

post #11 of 38
1/1/13 at 6:10am

It sounds to me, mama, like you're in a place where you really need to vent. So, vent away!  Vent here and to friends first. He's 8, I think you can vent to him a little. Have a family meeting. Tell him how you feel. Tell him things are going to change in your household. He may need to see you take charge. He does not like this either. Things like movies, restaurant and shopping does not sound like a relaxing thing to do with a kid who has the gimmies. How about a big house clean and some toy donations followed by a trip to the park or a hike? Or cooking together. 

post #12 of 38
1/1/13 at 8:21am
Thread Starter 

I rarely get a break from this and if I try to vent to him. He's like you hate me and everyone hates me. I bet you wish I never was born.   I can't walk away because he does the choking himself with his hands.

 

It's an everyday battle,I even have to put silverware way at the far back because he tried to get himself with fork and knife. Then a couple days ago he tried to cut himself with a potato peeler. 

 

He doesn't want to do only sit down games he wants pillow fighting and blanket fighting continously which is pretty much a rough player but then always claims the rules of any games we play even if it means he's cheating on those games,board games,card games,

 

If you try to say he's wrong he will sulk,get angry,and throw the board, and cards all over.

post #13 of 38
1/1/13 at 8:29am

You sound really stuck. You've got to get a break for yourself and it sounds like some sort of therapy. Do you have any resources for that? 

post #14 of 38
1/1/13 at 8:42am
Thread Starter 

I get a 6 hr free Me time M-F when he's at school due to being a  SAHM.

post #15 of 38
1/1/13 at 2:10pm

Can you use that time to read some parenting books? I can recommend some. It sounds like you really need a perspective shift. What are your favorite parenting books to date? 

post #16 of 38
1/1/13 at 2:12pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom2Brendan View Post

 

 

He doesn't want to do only sit down games he wants pillow fighting and blanket fighting continously which is pretty much a rough player but then always claims the rules of any games we play even if it means he's cheating on those games,board games,card games,

 

 

This part made me think of Lawrence Cohen's Playful Parenting. I love how he went with the contact-style stuff.

post #17 of 38
1/1/13 at 9:54pm
Thread Starter 

I have time for books so what parenting books do you recommend and any that has advice for homework ? I don't know what his attitude is like whateva when it comes to homework had 12 days to do it and zippo

post #18 of 38
1/1/13 at 10:15pm

This series of books is the reason I don't abuse my children: http://www.amazon.com/Your-Eight-Year-Old-Outgoing/dp/0440506816   This author goes through every developmental bump. She gives very good advice. She's practical, gentle, and pragmatic. Her advice for three year olds is "Stick them in daycare so no one gets hurt. They'll be fine again at four and if you want you can take them back out of preschool." That was AWESOME advice! heh.

 

I am also really enjoying Giving the Love that Heals.

post #19 of 38
1/2/13 at 5:06am

I second the Louise Bates Aimes books. 

 

Also read "Parent Effectiveness Training". That book is kind of dense. I'd read it like a research paper and take lots of notes. They also have classes, which are wonderful. 

 

"How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" is an oft recommended book for that age. 

 

I love "Becoming the Parent You Want to Be" but that may be for parents of younger kids. 

 

A good child development book is useful. 

 

For homework, build it into your routine. And do it along with him. Either help or read your parenting books. Do it every day at the same time. Provide a nice snack and some exercise before. Make it a nice spot with a good chair and nice lighting. 

 

Also, once you make these big changes (like some of the ones I suggested above) you will need to adjust your expectations. Kids live up...and down to our expectations of them. I know it's hard to change when things have gotten this bad. Make some changes, clean the slate and start again with positive expectations. 

 

Take responsibility as the adult in the relationship for how bad things have gotten or get some help if you feel it is beyond your control. Talk to the teacher, school councelor or your pediatrician if you feel the violence and self-harm is beyond your scope. 

post #20 of 38
1/2/13 at 7:10am
Thread Starter 

Read this book already How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" it won't work for him.

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