Need Advice - Page 2

[rightkindofme]

That one isn't one of my favorites. 

If he is hurting himself you probably want to get him into therapy. Do you know much about cutting and self-mutilation? I started when I was 8. Often self-mutilation is about control. The child feels like (s)he has no way of controlling life but the kid can control how much pain they feel. It's a really difficult situation overall.

I think of cutting as a tool to help me manage my anxiety. It's not a great tool. It's kind of like pulling out an sledgehammer if you want to put a thumb tack in the wall. Sometimes it is all I have so I do it. (I haven't in over a year. I'm trying to not model it for my kids.) But it's a serious compulsive habit to get into. You will probably need a professional to help your son work through how to develop other coping skills. Sometimes there are things that laypeople/parents just can't teach. It's not because you are a bad mom. Cutting is really serious stuff. It's complicated. It's layered.

Good luck. I'm sorry the road is rough right now.

[Mom2Brendan]

Well, I do need to improve on getting him to sleep earlier and try and find some way to get homework done without a fuss . As long as we have a tv he don't touch his homework. He stays in at recess. to get it done or brings it home and still doesn't touch it. I try to turn off tv but that won't work because he will just turn it right back on so now I think I figured out an idea to do tv free and internet free time without completely losing it but those are major distractions. He will say Mommy I promise I will get it done and nothing even when I let a 30-1hr break as soon as tv is on he's gone out of his Mind and that's the problem with him not doing his homework.

I will even try to let him relax but as soon as he sits down tv is on and anything I say go out the door

[lanamommyphd07]

So it seems that homework is the number one issue, then?

[Mom2Brendan]

That besides the mood swings.

[lanamommyphd07]

Would there be terrible ramifications if you didn't mention homework, for say, a week? If only just to see if the moodiness is directly related to homework pressure?

[One_Girl]

I suggest reading The Explosive Child. It has great ideas for all children and helped me pull my dd and I out of a negative spiral when she was younger.

[presentmoment]

Hi - I'm reading the book Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting by Noel Janis Norton right now, and it sounds like it might really have some ideas that could help. While my own dd is just a baby, I have seen first hand what happened when my aunt and uncle used these parenting strategies with their two boys. I would really recommend taking a look at it if you feel like you're at your wits end and need some new strategies. Feel free to let me know if you want to hear more about it.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

In your case (in addition to therapy if you have any resources to make that happen), I do think I would cut TV from your life. I would move it out of the house, I think. I love a consensual solution to problems but I think that takes a level of mutual respect that you do not have in your home. I often feel the beste we way to help a child is to be super sensitive to the parent posting here and give them the support they need. I'm going out on a limb here to say that I think that you need to be the adult in this relationship right now. I think his behavior is crying out for you to offer him some firm guidance and support. 

I also think you should listen to RKOM and her advice about self-harm. 

In the immediate (before you've had time to read some books and arrange for some therapy) I would focus on some firm boundaries, limiting TV, setting a good schedule and bedtime routine. 

With the TV, my DC never did well with limiting TV. She was never a child who could watch like a half hour/day. Our solution when she became old enough to watch was to not allow any TV on the week day and somewhat unlimited during the weekend (but we stayed pretty active so there was/is rarely a big marathon TV weekend). What helped DC accept this was that she was part of the TV solution. If you think he's up for it, you can ask him to help you brainstorm a TV solution within the framework that you set. 

For the record, my advice to you is far more "mainstream" than I normally give/like to get on this forum but it feels like a typical athoritative structure is what you need right now because it sounds to me like you may be coming from a pattern of fairly permissive parenting. Does this sound accurate? 

[Mom2Brendan]

An inbetween parenting not too permissive and not too controlling.

I was raised by a very overly controlling parent that I had no ability to speak for myself until I left to live with my son's dad . It was great to be able to be me and have my voice heard. I got to make some good friends when I lived in California.

Even tho Brendan dad turned out to be a dad that is no longer in our life since Brendan was 6 months old.

My rules are No playing in Street, No littering in the home,No talking negatively about friends if I hear a name call or a negative comment about his friend. I will send them home. Then he will see it as you never never want me to have friends.

I'm not the type to give into gimmies even tho I may bring him a fast food meal home but if he has not been in good behavior I will only order stuff for myself without him knowing.

I'm not going to be the giving what he wants all the time.

We never had homework struggles before as all the time he had homework he would get it done right away when he had played with this one friend who is now his former friend due to his former friend making him do some bad stuff including after I ended the friendship a psychopath neighbor has been coming after him like a rabid dog because the former friend probably reversed the things he did to the psychopath neighbor kids saying my son was doing this to her kids.

He doesn't get the motivation of it with Leilani or Tyrell as in No Playing with kids til homework is done it's like no touch.

It's like all we need is a kid who have toys like his former friend did to play outside as with that  kid homework done with tv on 5 pages under an hour.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Read through this thread and get some of the books. There seems to be a lot going on in your life right now. You are not going to solve anything by lumping things together and shifting from one problem to the other. Spend some time reading and thinking about priorities. See if you can get into some therapy for you and your son. Best wishes. 

[mamazee]

Him saying stuff like, "You hate me, everyone hates me" and "I bet you wish I was never born" makes me wonder if he feels his connection with you is hurt or not what it should be, and if that's leading to misbehavior. Sometimes getting back to basics, cutting back (or eliminating) stuff like TV and videogames, and spending time together connecting and doing things together can help. It's easy to get a bit disconnected when they get to an age where they sometimes get snotty, and we can get exasperated, which can make them act out even more, which can make us start to shut down a bit, and then that parent/child connection gets hurt.

I'm trying to think of ideas of things you and he could do together to get re-connected. The thing is to really work on changing how it feels - trying to speak in a positive way and get things rolling in the other direction. It won't start with him, as he's only 8. Maybe go to a museum with him, do a cooking project with him, and really try to relax about the specifics and focus on the big picture, and try to enjoy and cherish your time with him. He'll pick up on how you feel about him and it could help turn things around and make your interactions better.

[lilblueberry]

I HIGHLY recommend "How to Be a Hero to Your Kids" by Josh Mcdowell.  He is a Christian author, but if you aren't into that, ignore it and listen to what he has to say about building relationships with your children.  EXTREMELY HELPFUL!!!

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama 

Read through this thread and get some of the books. There seems to be a lot going on in your life right now. You are not going to solve anything by lumping things together and shifting from one problem to the other. Spend some time reading and thinking about priorities. See if you can get into some therapy for you and your son. Best wishes. 

I agree that counseling is a really good idea. He seems to have some behaviors that are throwing up red flags for me. This seems like a larger issue than just compliance with homework and being overly dramatic - threatening self-harm, having to block him from the forks and knives... these are worrisome. A counselor can help you figure out what might be going on with him and advise some strategies.

[neonalee]

I don't have any advice other than what has already been posted. But I too worry about the self harm. Trying to strangle himself or cut himself with the veggie peeler isn't threatening, it's doing. All I can say is that this is not a reflection on you.
My sister was (is?) a cutter. Our parents are good parents & she really admits her cutting was not related to them. So please do not take that personally, but talk to someone about it.

Sent from my phone using Tapatalk, please ignore typos.

[Mom2Brendan]

He is signed up to see a counselor which won't be until next month and he even has a guidance counselor who gets mixed stories about him as he don't even share the truth so then I'm like how will he share the truth with the other counselor to me I still think he was sexually abused by that other friend even tho he says he wasn't even tho that former friend made him and other kids do things but he claims no touching occured but I still believe it probably did occur with his former friend making him touch his private part and touching my son's private part.

I still believe if we ended up moving maybe his attitude would be better because dealing with the psycho neighbor it's something I can't even change not that I don't try even the cops can either.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally Posted by Mom2Brendan 

He is signed up to see a counselor which won't be until next month and he even has a guidance counselor who gets mixed stories about him as he don't even share the truth so then I'm like how will he share the truth with the other counselor to me I still think he was sexually abused by that other friend even tho he says he wasn't even tho that former friend made him and other kids do things but he claims no touching occured but I still believe it probably did occur with his former friend making him touch his private part and touching my son's private part.

I still believe if we ended up moving maybe his attitude would be better because dealing with the psycho neighbor it's something I can't even change not that I don't try even the cops can either.

Call the counseling office and tell them that things have gotten considerably worse and your concerns have grown from worry over mood swings and homework issues to self-harm, defiant behaviors and possible sexual abuse. Tell them that you need to see a counselor now. If they can't see you, ask for a referral. Do not stop calling until you have found someone. There are a lot of things in your post that needed to be addressed as emergency situations when they first occurred. For the sake of your son you need to identify why things have been allowed to pile up like this and because they have gotten this bad, I think you need outside help for yourself as well.  Throw up a white flag and get some help today. 

[Mom2Brendan]

I did order a few books.

The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries

 

Even the Eight Year Old one that was Recommended

 

I should recieve all those on Tues.

 

 

[rightkindofme]

Good luck!