I'm 9 weeks pregnant with my second child. I am currently looking for a vbac friendly provider and am feeling extremely stressed out and worried about going post-dates again and having another c-section. I know that I need to get past my fears and deal with the emotions involving my first birth so that I can set myself up for the best possible outcome this time, but I'm having trouble staying positive.
My first pregnancy was super easy, I felt great, baby was healthy. I had chosen to give birth at a birth center with midwives, educated myself about natural birth, hired a doula, did everything I could to have a healthy natural birth. Then I went past 42 weeks and I could no longer legally deliver with midwives anymore. Natural induction methods had failed, so the day before my deadline the MW's broke my water as a last resort. 24 hours later I had no sign of labor and with my membranes ruptured I had little choice but to check into the hospital for induction.
I really wanted to labor naturally despite the induction, but baby was posterior and I had really intense back labor and I was puking my guts out the entire labor (even while pushing.) After 12 hours with little progress I got an epidural so I could rest. I pushed for four hours but the baby was stuck tight in my pelvis so we had a c-section. He ended up being almost 9 pounds and was a healthy and alert little guy, so I decided to be positive about it and enjoy my baby. I told myself I tried my best and even though it didn't go as planned, I had this beautiful healthy baby boy.
2 years later I still think about it all the time, and as time has passed the positive feelings that I had have faded and all the "what-ifs" seem to creep in my head. In hindsight I know that he was posterior for the last couple of months based on where my kicks were being felt, but the MW's either never noticed or didn't think it was a big deal, so I didn't realize it. What if we could have encouraged him into a more ideal position? Would I have gone into labor earlier? Did breaking my water when he was in a posterior position essentially get him stuck that way so it wasn't even possible for him to turn around when he needed to? If I hadn't gotten the epidural would I have been able to push in a more optimal position to move him down? What would have happened if I had just waited and let him come when he was ready?
I desperately want a vbac but worry about history repeating itself this time. I feel like I'm one of those mom's who's pregnancy just lasts longer than others (my mother was the same way and I myself was 2.5 weeks late and a c-section.) I feel like I'm destined to go past 42 weeks again and even though I would love to experience a natural birth in the birth center with midwives, I can't put myself through that burden of having a hard deadline and then having to switch providers at the end. And yet, all of the VBAC friendly OB's I talk to seem to indicate that they would not be comfortable with my pregnancy even going past 41 weeks and would want to induce with small amounts of pitocin at that point. I do not want to be induced again, and I understand that it increases the chance of rupture with vbac so all the more reason not to. I know that no one can force me into anything, but I also don't know if I can deal with the pressure.
Anyways, I guess what I'm looking for is encouragement and advice on getting my head in the right place. I want to get rid of the negativity and really believe that I can do it. I want to be positive about this pregnancy. I want to believe that I will go into labor on my own. If I believe I can do it, than it's more likely that I will do it, right? So how do I make myself believe in myself when I feel like the cards are stacked against me?