A little annoyed with my HB MW.... « Back to Group Discussions

[Loogiejane]

Hi guys, so I think I touched on this in another thread so apologies if I'm being repetitive. 

I really like my midwife. She is friendly, skilled, reliable. She is in high-demand and I like her style so far. 

She requires a doula for first-timers. I am fine with that as I think having a doula can be a great thing. Who knows how DH will be under the pressures of me in labor. At our consultation at 7 weeks she told us of her requirement and that she has this wonderful doula who she highly recommends and that she is also a midwife. I had it in my head she would be the same age (or older, i dont know why) as my MW but it turns out to be quite the opposite. 

Right before my last prenatal my MW asked if her midwife assistant/doula could come along, that she likes to accompany on visits. I put it together that it was the doula she recommends. She said it would be a chance for me to meet her without any commitments. So She came, I met her, she was very nice and friendly and that was that. I kind of, in a friendly conversational way, questioned her on her experience and whatnot. Turns out she is trying to accrue hours for her MW certification. 

Today when confirming out prenatal appointment for tomorrow my MW told me the midwife assistant/doula would like to come again. I emailed her saying no problem but that I was curious if the plan was to have her present at all my prenatals from here on out. That while I value hands-on experience I wonder if that will take away from my time with her. 

She didn't answer my question and just responded with this "No worries with J. As it turns out she is. Or available at the time of your visit." I am guessing that's a typo and means she is not available at the time of my visit. So I responded with this 

"? I'm not quite clear on that email. Did that mean to say she is not available for the visit tomorrow? I am not filing a complaint, just asking about here on out."  Just sort of uncomfortable.

[Loogiejane]

Ok she just responded with this. "Well it is always up to you if you want her to come. She loves to come but equally respects your wishes. Some patients say they would rather have the visit just us two.  For tomorrow a it turns out, she is joining me later in the day, but in the future, some days she will ask if she can accompany me on visits and others not. This thursday is one of those times. Feel free to say no. No one minds and no one's feelings get hurt"

That's nice of her I guess. I just worry that every time I have an appointment I'll be faced with having to say yay or nay on her presence. I don't want to come off as uber-bitch, ya know? 

I just need to get over it and accept her recent response, right? 

[Trisha Kalous]

I worked with a midwife as an apprentice for a while. I always wanted it to be up to the parents on whether or not I would sit in on the prenatals and/or accompany the mw to their birth. We had clients who preferred me not to be in their appointments and birth, some who didn't mind some appointments but didn't want me at their birth, and some where they welcomed me for appointments and births. And I can tell you HONESTLY that my feelings weren't hurt at all that I wasn't invited. It was never about me. It's always about the family. I was honored to be included, but respected the feelings and privacy that some clients needed. Personally, I wouldn't have wanted someone to sit in on my appointments with the midwife unless I really liked them and we got along really well. Some people are more private, some had personal issues that they didn't want to discuss with anyone more than the mw, some it was cultural, but for everyone it was their choice. Don't feel bad for not wanting her there if you don't. Do what you feel is right. Invite her for some appointments if you like, but never let it make you uncomfortable. She would't ever want you to feel that way 

[Loogiejane]

Thank you for that honest response. 

[CoBabyMaker]

If your MW said it's your choice then I would take it as that.  Yes, midwifery is more personal but it's also a professional relationship.

I am just curious, do you not care for the assistant?  My MW had an assistant who was always there.  It never came up whether or not  I wanted her there.  I guess I never had an issue with it either.  She had a very gentle spirit and I really liked her so it never occurred to me to ask.

[pastormama]

I know you're in the city, but where we are it's sort of customary that midwives who are doing their training don't get paid for doing doula-like work.  And especially doulas-in-training don't get paid.  FWIW. 

[Loogiejane]

Originally Posted by CoBabyMaker 

If your MW said it's your choice then I would take it as that.  Yes, midwifery is more personal but it's also a professional relationship.

I am just curious, do you not care for the assistant?  My MW had an assistant who was always there.  It never came up whether or not  I wanted her there.  I guess I never had an issue with it either.  She had a very gentle spirit and I really liked her so it never occurred to me to ask.

I've only met her once so I can't really say. I chatted with her a bit, she was nice. But it was my prenatal appointment so we could only chat so much. She even wanted to chat more but we were running out of time and my MW had to interject to get back on track. Perhaps I'd care less about her presence if I was told at our consultation she'd be joining for some visits and if her fee wasn't........

Originally Posted by pastormama 

I know you're in the city, but where we are it's sort of customary that midwives who are doing their training don't get paid for doing doula-like work.  And especially doulas-in-training don't get paid.  FWIW. 

 

.......$1200 on top of my MW's fee! I do think this girl has done her training to be a doula, since she charges what she charges. But it's still a lot. 

[Loogiejane]

My MW just left our prenatal appointment. She's very cool, I like her. She isn't everyone's cup of tea as I've discovered but I dig her style. 

She also addressed any concern of mine over the doula she recommends and she gave me a list of a couple doulas she recommends, not just the one who's come to my appointment. 

[Trisha Kalous]

Originally Posted by Loogiejane 

I've only met her once so I can't really say. I chatted with her a bit, she was nice. But it was my prenatal appointment so we could only chat so much. She even wanted to chat more but we were running out of time and my MW had to interject to get back on track. Perhaps I'd care less about her presence if I was told at our consultation she'd be joining for some visits and if her fee wasn't........

 

.......$1200 on top of my MW's fee! I do think this girl has done her training to be a doula, since she charges what she charges. But it's still a lot. 

$1200!?!!! Holy crap, I would expect miracles. I charge $400 for doulaing... just saying. If a doula is a requirement, check out the ones she recommends, but also know there are usually doulas who do free or low-cost work when they're training or earning their certification. I don't think I would EVER pay that much for a doula! 

[CoBabyMaker]

$1200 is a bit insane.  It's also off to me that she can charge for her time acting as doula AND count those for her apprentice hours.  That part would bother me. 

[Loogiejane]

Originally Posted by CoBabyMaker 

$1200 is a bit insane.  It's also off to me that she can charge for her time acting as doula AND count those for her apprentice hours.  That part would bother me. 

I know.....that's something that kind of rubs me the wrong way. But it's not like I could say something. But yeah, it wouldnt be hours hours for a doula apprenticeship but for MW apprenticeship. She even told me, she needs X # of catches, X # of hours being physicially present, etc etc. 

[SuperMujer0923]

$1200 is truly ridiculous! I paid $750 for my doula and she comes with decades of experience. My midwife also brings an assistant who will either be a nurse or another midwife. That fee is $400 but is built into my midwife's fee (I am also doing homebirth). It is just my personal thought that anyone being there in a learning capacity should be there for free or extremely reduced rate. I would also clear up with ur mw if this apprentice will be performing any clinical duties at your appt or during ur birth. I would hate to be in the mist of labor and having to decide yey or ney if she can perform certain duties. Communication is key here and I think everything will be fine. If you don't mind certain things and/or do mind others then let it be known. I do understand that you wish you knew about her beforehand which I think is more than a valid point.

[Loogiejane]

Originally Posted by SuperMujer0923 

$1200 is truly ridiculous! I paid $750 for my doula and she comes with decades of experience. My midwife also brings an assistant who will either be a nurse or another midwife. That fee is $400 but is built into my midwife's fee (I am also doing homebirth). It is just my personal thought that anyone being there in a learning capacity should be there for free or extremely reduced rate. I would also clear up with ur mw if this apprentice will be performing any clinical duties at your appt or during ur birth. I would hate to be in the mist of labor and having to decide yey or ney if she can perform certain duties. Communication is key here and I think everything will be fine. If you don't mind certain things and/or do mind others then let it be known. I do understand that you wish you knew about her beforehand which I think is more than a valid point.

Very good and valid points. But just to be clear, it's def been told to me she'd be there as doula, which she is trained to be, and she wouldn't be there as an assistant midwife. But? I do have a sneaking suspicion she'd clock the hours toward the hours she needs for her midwifery license. 

At our consultation DH and I remarked how $1200 seemed like a lot (especially since we'd like have an out of pocket fee to pay the MW too) and my MW said her (the doula she recommends) fee is actually *$2400*!!!! but that she (the MW) pays half as a way to make it more affordable for her clients and so that people will be more willing to hire her. So yeah, I dunno, seems kind of weird. I found out the doula/MW in training is about 27 yrs old. So I was honest with my MW yesterday and told her I have to decide which vibe I want to go with for a doula...younger girl who I can relate to vs. older woman who is more maternal. My MW said she totally understands. So we'll see. I do think the high prices have something to do with the fact I'm in NYC. But honestly? I don't even know how soon I'm going to feel like calling the doula to come over. I mean, I feel like I might want to labor as long as possible without anyone but DH here. I can see myself wanting to be alone for much of it. We'll see. 

[nstewart]

Originally Posted by Loogiejane 

Very good and valid points. But just to be clear, it's def been told to me she'd be there as doula, which she is trained to be, and she wouldn't be there as an assistant midwife. But? I do have a sneaking suspicion she'd clock the hours toward the hours she needs for her midwifery license. 

At our consultation DH and I remarked how $1200 seemed like a lot (especially since we'd like have an out of pocket fee to pay the MW too) and my MW said her (the doula she recommends) fee is actually *$2400*!!!! but that she (the MW) pays half as a way to make it more affordable for her clients and so that people will be more willing to hire her. So yeah, I dunno, seems kind of weird. I found out the doula/MW in training is about 27 yrs old. So I was honest with my MW yesterday and told her I have to decide which vibe I want to go with for a doula...younger girl who I can relate to vs. older woman who is more maternal. My MW said she totally understands. So we'll see. I do think the high prices have something to do with the fact I'm in NYC. But honestly? I don't even know how soon I'm going to feel like calling the doula to come over. I mean, I feel like I might want to labor as long as possible without anyone but DH here. I can see myself wanting to be alone for much of it. We'll see. 

Well, FWIW when I was interviewing doulas this time I called more than one who charged $1100 or more.  My doula only has 20 or so births under her belt and charges $650.  This is on the low end of the scale where I live (in 2010 when I had DS my doula charged $600 and again, she was a "beginner" although her background years ago was as an L&D nurse).  So I DO think that a lot of it has to do with the fact that you are in NYC.  It doesn't mean that you should hire someone you aren't comfortable with, and it doesn't mean that you should pay more than you want to.  But I don't think the $1200 fee is "outrageous".

I also agree with PPs that you need some clear boundaries about what her job would include, etc.  But this is the second thread where you've talked about not being super keen on this doula/the situation with your MW, so I'm not sure why you are still considering her if you still feel the same way?  If you don't even feel comfortable having this person at your prenatals, then I can't see you being comfortable with her there when you are at your most vulnerable, pushing a baby out of your vagina!

[Hallielynn01]

Those prices sound about right for NYC......  If your uncomfortable, make it known you would like to seek out a doula on your own?  I am actually a fan of the idea of requiring some support during 1st births, but its based more on my personal experience with just wanting me and hubby there turns out, we NEEDED the support during a long labor.  But her job when attending appointments is to observe and perhaps after if there is a few minutes, get to know you, or as a doula, seems there should be a seperate visit/visits as any other doula would be having with you! To focus on her role in your birth, which from how you describe, seperate and outside of her midwifery role. She's either a doula, or a birth assistant who does some doulaing, in which case, Ive never know them to take an additional fee..... its part of their role with the midwife. But each place is different I suppose
 

[Loogiejane]

Originally Posted by nstewart 

I also agree with PPs that you need some clear boundaries about what her job would include, etc.  But this is the second thread where you've talked about not being super keen on this doula/the situation with your MW, so I'm not sure why you are still considering her if you still feel the same way?  If you don't even feel comfortable having this person at your prenatals, then I can't see you being comfortable with her there when you are at your most vulnerable, pushing a baby out of your vagina!

 I ttly ttly hear and agree with you! Ya know honestly, I think it's not as much being uncomfortable with her at my visits as it not being 100% on what the motives are....is she there just because she enjoys is like my MW says? Is it because she needs prenatal visit hours for her MWcert? My MW has given me a few different contacts so I'm going to meet different women and see how I feel. I'm just going to meet different people, see how I jibe with them and what their experience is and go from there. 

[Loogiejane]

Yowzers, ok, so I just went online to scope out a few other doulas. And I found one that I thought seemed great on paper, I liked her doula photos :P and whatnot and her fee is $2000! 

[SuperMujer0923]

O my goodness!! That NYC up-charge is no joke huh?!?! I am paying only about $700 more to my actual midwife.

[Loogiejane]

Originally Posted by SuperMujer0923 

O my goodness!! That NYC up-charge is no joke huh?!?! I am paying only about $700 more to my actual midwife.

Um, yeah...my MW charges $12k. I am not paying her that full amount, as insurance she has (or something) covers a chunk of it and then we have insurance, but we'll still have an out of pocket balance on *top* of the doula fee. Combined we'll prob wind up paying around $3k. Can you say "dipping into savings"?

[cadybh]

Originally Posted by Trisha Kalous 

$1200!?!!! Holy crap, I would expect miracles. I charge $400 for doulaing... just saying. If a doula is a requirement, check out the ones she recommends, but also know there are usually doulas who do free or low-cost work when they're training or earning their certification. I don't think I would EVER pay that much for a doula! 

Agreed.  I paid $500 for my doula for DS' birth.  I think her fee's gone up now but it's not above $650.  And she has YEARS of experience and is a certified Bradley method instructor.  $1200 is crazy talk.