A long labor and forceps by a Junior Dr ...Now having nightmares & flashbacks

[PipPhilppa]

I'm wondering if anyone has had a similar experience to me and could put my mind at rest over some unanswered questions....I have emailed my hospital for a debrief but no reply as yet :-(.

I was 8 days late with my first baby boy, no major issues through the pregnancy other than periods of raised blood pressure.

I'd had braxton hicks getting stronger for a couple of weeks before actual contractions appeared to start in the early hours of a thursday morning. They were 6 mins apart and extremely strong (too strong to sleep through). This continued, not getting any closer together, but increasingly painful until I went into Hospital 09:00 on the saturday morning, exhausted (no sleep since they'd started). I was told I was 1 cm dialated and to go home, at which point I broke down and begged them for something to knock me out, as I was terrified I wouldn't have the energy to get through the labour and wasn't coping with the pain. I was met with a patronising "That's just labour love" and sent on my way.

Through my angel of a sister, I managed to get through the next few hours at home, as she and my fiance literally coached me through each contraction. At 02:00 Sunday morning (4th night of no sleep), contractions jumped to 2 mins apart so I went back into hospital, where I i was told I was 6cm and admitted. I used a birthing pool and was enjoying the experience at this time - and turned to gas and air a couple of hours in. Midwife told my mum she expected me to deliver by 7am. Come 7am, I was fully dialated and wanted to push, but was told not to as waters had not broken.Midwife suggested I move around more as baby appeared to be looking at my leg. 9am, midwife broke my waters and I was allowed to push - and pretty quickly I suspected something was wrong (midwife kept disappearing, writing in my notes and didn't seem encouraging of me to push). I tried every position, all fours, standing, squatting, leaning back on partner, etc etc. Burst a blood vessel in eye, so definitely was giving it my all.

At midday, (3 hours of pushing) midwife appeared with a wheel chair and rushed me to delivery (still contracting strongly)- I was advised that I needed to go to theatre for poss emergency c section, but that they would try forceps first.

i was put on my back and a drip to increase the contractions (no pain relief or gas and air). Had several Drs ( I believe trainees) examine me to decide which way babies head was. Still no pain relief. I was encouraged that baby would be delivered by 1pm (as my sister was getting married - literally at that time). It was gone 3:30pm before I got into theatre as another emergency took priority. This was the worst few hours, and contractions were strong, I was exhausted and still had no pain relief. I vividly remember trying to work out if I could make it to the hospital window to jump out before anyone was able to stop me. (seems dramatic I know, but I really had had enough).

Finally got into theatre, spinal put in, then heard people panicking that doctor hadn't turned up. He arrived, baby was delivered safely after 3 pushes, via forceps (Baby Michael 8,8oz) . Whilst the consultant was stitching me up I heard him say to the junior doctor "so that was your first time with forceps?" - and i can't stop thinking about it.

The more I think about it - the more I think that because it was a sunday afternoon, staffing issues was the reason that I was pushing so long. I also wonder if midwives knew long before that I was going to need assistance and were just 'managing me' all morning. I'm worried and angry that a junior doctor was allowed to perform the procedure - and don't know where to direct this. I know it's early days as baby is only 1 month old,but i'm terrified I can't face having a second baby, Any advice?

[pokeyAC]

I'm very sorry you had to go through that.  It was very traumatic.  What you are experiencing sounds like what we call Post Traumatic Stress Disorder here in the USA.  There may be support groups and therapists who could help you deal with what happened and to heal.  I wish you peace and healing.

[Ratchet]

Totally could be they were just waiting for staffing etc to take further action, or it could be they wanted to give you every chance to do it without forceps.  Or a combination.  Some people would see it as good- maybe the lack of an staffing meant you avoided a c/section.  But who's to say if a c/s or this forceps birth would have been better?  Since you are asking about directing your anger, I'll give you one opinion and maybe I'm wrong.  But... clinically this junior doctor did fine, it sounds.  Brief and successful use of the forceps with appropriate supervision who (let's assume) would have stepped in or stopped things if anything was going badly (if there was not another doctor in the room, right next to the junior doctor while forceps were being used, then that IS wrong).  What I see as wrong, and what would make ME make angry, is that it sounds like no one gave you the oppourtunity to be an active participant in the experience.  Were they concerned about how the baby was tolerating labor?  How long you were pushing?  The baby's position?  Why did they not offer pain relief?  When they are respectful and helpful, it can be nice to work with trainees, or at least not always negative.  But multiple exams, for trainees benefit, without your consent, is inappropriate.

It sounds like you are not in the US, and I don't know how things work elsewhere.  Do you have a 6 week PP visit?  Make it clear when scheduling it that you would like to discuss your birth further, and ask how long your appt will be sched for.  15 min will not do.  Then ask about what happened, what has been on your mind, what is not clear.  If you run out of time make another appointment.  And make it clear that you were bothered by what happened.  Personally, I always find it helpful to practice those conversations out loud in the car or the shower.  They often go in directions I wouldn't expect and I sometimes come to realize what is REALLY bothering is different then what I initially thought.  But for me it takes having some free time without distractions and no one else listening to really explore and feel confident in actually talking to people who are maybe intimidating.

Allow yourself to feel terrified of having another baby now.  There is a lot to process for your right now.  I think your brain is right in telling you "whoa-- we can't do THAT again unless we figure out how to do it better."  But also have faith that if it the right thing for you, you will probably feel comfortable with the idea of having another baby.  On the other hand, it is true that some people's experience is too much to "move past" and I don't want to minimize that; if you give yourself to take these feelings seriously and take action, you may improve your chances of integrating this experience into your life in a way that makes you feel comfortable with having another baby.  

So, this might not ring true for you- but I know that's how my mind operates, maybe you will find something helpful in all that rambling.  At the very least know that there are people out there who want to help in whatever little way we can.