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Trying to Adopt/Foster 2013 Chat Thread. - Page 16

post #301 of 335
Glad to hear it :-) I live in the Bible Belt, and even so, it was just a couplefew times we had a bad experience. A foster agency turned us down, a worker wondered why we didn't give our child to a Christian family every Sunday to be taken to church. Also a million strange and sometimes intrusive questions, but that's not a hateful thing IMO, it just reminded me that I am a gefilte fish out of water in this town.
post #302 of 335
Thread Starter 

So we have been on the list a year now. Our homestudy is getting an update at the end of the month. Hopefully its not too much longer. We have been looked at a few times, but I am trying to stay positive. 

post #303 of 335

The discussion on religion is an interesting one.  I feel like no one even considers it as a barrier around us where the need is so great. But maybe that is because I am a member of the dominant religion?  I believe that we had to sign something that said that we would not keep foster children from celebrating/participating in religious ceremonies of their own choosing nor would we force the children to attend church with us. 

MountainMama - How does your agency show your profile? I am just curious.  Have adoptive families who have been waiting longer get shown more often?   I don't know why, but I imagine a pile of books/brochures that the bio moms look through.  Is that how it works? I am thinking baby #2 might be a traditional adoption, I am not sure I can go through the fost-adopt roller coaster again.  


AFM - still headed toward adoption of FS.   We have to make a post adoption plan for family visits for after the adoption.   Bio Mom is still out of the picture/ Bio Dad unknown, it is bio Grandmother and siblings who want to maintain contact.  In my opinion, I am willing to foster those relationships as long as they are healthy for FS.   We are not sure what we should agree to.  How often, how much contact, what kind of contact, etc.    FS has quite a few siblings that we want him to know but there are all sorts of issues that are already presenting themselves.  I would love for him to grow up knowing his sisters and brothers but in Los Angeles there is one major threat (*cough* gangs *cough*) that I don't want him to have contact with.  I am not sure how much of a threat that actually is or if it is just my misunderstanding of the culture.    

post #304 of 335
Thread Starter 

They ask the birht mother a set of questions in regards to what she is looking for in APs. The top 10 files that match her request, with the APs also matching her risk profile (like for instance if they were open to drug exposure) get shown to her. The profile books are essentially a broschure. We are number 40 on the list out of about 60 and we have been shown about 5 times IIRC in a year. We started at 63. 2 Bmoms chose to parent, and the others chose someone else. As adoptions take place or APs drop out, we move up the list. The higher up you are the more often you get shown. 3 APs ahead of us got pregnant, and as soon as they have a baby, they are out, and we move up 1 spot. Our agency keeps about 60 APs at any given time, and they place about 20-30 babies a year. 


Funny, because we are getting a little impatient, and I am starting to wonder if we should have gone the foster to adopt route. I just wonder if there is something about us that is excluding us from being picked. 

post #305 of 335

MountainMama, it IS funny because I was just considering the alternative as well.   My wait was not as long, and I am still getting several placement calls a month even though I am not on the waiting list.  But the uncertainty of EVERY case in foster care is so difficult.  


I don't think there is a reason you are not being picked.  I talked with an adoption attorney, who was a friend of a friend, a few years back and he said the wait for a private adoption in our area was about 2-3 years.   He also said that the wealthy families always made it through the list faster (he didn't really say why) so that we would be on the longer end of the wait.   Now that I am more educated on the adoption system, I am reconsidering it.   I know we are more open to different situations (maternal health issues/drug exposure/ethnicity) than many adoptive parents so I think the wait wouldn't be as long.    As soon as we can, we are hiring a private attorney to finish our foster adopt case anyway.


Friends of mine who just decided to do their third private adoption were just matched for a baby due in two months.  At the same time, we are moving backwards in the court process and due to new uncovered information, we are back at Step 1.  FS is with us anyway so it is just legal things in our way.  The uncertainty is hard.  

post #306 of 335

I'm with you, PoorUglyHappy.  I don't think I'd go the foster route again.  It has been so incredibly frustrating.  DD was with us all summer as "respite" care, but because the workers didn't get the paper work done (and still haven't) she was put back in foster care in September. We are just waiting, waiting, waiting, hoping nothing terrible happens. 

post #307 of 335

I also don't think I could go the foster route again. Older child adoption, certainly. But it would have to be international or an entirely private domestic arrangement (such as a friend or family member who was terminally sick or going to jail or otherwise needing to make permanent arrangements for her child). 


PUH wrote: "Bio Mom is still out of the picture/ Bio Dad unknown, it is bio Grandmother and siblings who want to maintain contact.  In my opinion, I am willing to foster those relationships as long as they are healthy for FS.   We are not sure what we should agree to."


Do not agree to ANYTHING concrete or legally actionable. You need to be able to pull the plug if the visits no longer serve your son's best interests. Suggest language like "ongoing contact with maternal grandmother and siblings as the parents deem healthy and appropriate." You may want to specifically exclude bioparents from the arrangement, depending on what you know about them.


I have a very, very open adoption and I hope you can too. But all parents need and must insist upon the right to decide who their child spends time with, and under what circumstances. This is perhaps the most fundamental parental right. 

post #308 of 335

When I was in the adoption process, I went to professional mediation with the bio-mom. We spelled out very tangible plans (frequency of visits, phone calls, pictures and updates), all with the written understanding that I could change the plan based on the kids' reactions, if bio-mom was ever inappropriate, or any other reason I wanted. The adoptive family of my kids' siblings had the same agreement, and needed to cut off visits for the time being (the girls were very upset and confused with the visits, for complex yet valid reasons). While bio-mom was not happy with this, it was within the legalities defined in the mediation document, and there were no repercussions.

post #309 of 335

These are all interesting things to think about... We are 5 weeks into foster parent training and have made no progress with the fertility doctor-- everything keeps coming up "normal." I am feeling much more attached to the idea of foster parenting, and even when pushed DH doesn't claim to have a preference between doing more fertility testing vs. foster parenting. The thing about it is that we can always foster for a few years and then figure out the fertility thing, but getting pregnant first and bringing another child in while ours is young is not something DH wants to do. So we seem to be more committed to walking down the foster parenting path.

Some progress, besides being halfway through training: we finally got the room full of junk transformed into a functioning bedroom. Since we intend to bring a child into the house sometime in the next year, I have started my strategy for removing certain junk from the house and bringing in new, child-related junk :wink. I have a wish list of stuff that should help us prepare for kids from 0-4 years old-- safety stuff, night lights, stools, changing table topper, etc...

Here's what I wanted to ask you all: when it comes to car seats, what do foster parents of younger children keep at home? I know some of them will convert as the child grows-- are there any good options?

Same with a stroller... any good choices for age versatility? I was thinking of buying both a versatile stroller and a wagon with the seats.

Lastly, this is the question that weighs heaviest in my mind. I have a 10 year old cat who is MEAN. She was mean when I adopted her and she continues to just be pissed off and bitey most of the time. I wondered if she would be nicer to kids but she has proven without a doubt to be just as mean to kids, if not moreso because of the grabbing/petting. Since I am not the person who dumps an animal who has come under my care, and I am not about to find another home for this hateful creature, I am at an impasse when it comes to bringing kids to the house. We put her in the basement when I babysit or friends come with their kids. I just can't keep her in the basement all the time. Maybe I need to set up a heated room for her on the back porch? Has anyone else dealt with a nasty pet when bringing kids into the house?

post #310 of 335

Smithie and Mamarhu, thanks for the advice on mediation.  I am definitely going to be sure the language keeps us with the power in that situation. 


TeamViddy - I totally understand about the MEAN cat.  I have a very nice but rambunctious dog.   We never let her near the baby unsupervised or even really supervised.   She could at any moment catch a glimpse of our cat and run across the room leaving a smooshed child in her wake.   I think the dog has impulse control issues, lol.   I was terrified she'd act up in front of the social workers.  So far, so good.   Do you let your cat outside?  Maybe she can become an outdoor cat?   I don't think a mean animal would go over so well with the social workers. I've even heard of people having to get a note from their vet saying the animals are good with kids.  We didn't have to do anything like that.


As far as the carseats, we went for the Diono Radian RXT.  It is rear facing 5-45 lbs and front facing up to 80 lbs. It also folds flat for easy storage.   I figured that it would work for whatever kid came through our door.    When our FS arrived he was only a little over 5 lbs and we were uncomfortable with how tiny he was in the seat.  On the lowest settings, it was snug but looked ridiculous.   So we ended up getting a Graco snugRide infant carrier carseat which is still our everyday car seat.   I still think the Diono would have worked in 99% of situations.   I think the real advantage to the infant carrier is to not have to wake a sleeping baby to get him/her out of the car. 

post #311 of 335
Hey, I'm new here and have been reading posts, so here's our story... Dh and I have three bio kids 14,5, and 2. We are wanting to adopt a few more kiddos through foster to adopt or straight adopt. We have finished all of our training/ classes, and finish our home study on Monday!! joy.gif
We are hoping for a baby, but are open to a max of 2 age 0-5, either sex. We were almost through with the process in AZ but moved due to DH job change, so had to start all over in ID.dizzy.gif luckily we are almost ready to start the matching process (more waiting) lol
post #312 of 335

Hi everyone,


I've disappeared for a while. Here's the update: I think our adoption will be on hold for a while, but I am feeling mostly at peace with that. My hubby is going to work on building an independent video game business and I will keep trying to get a stable job outside of the house. I had my chance to build my business, it's his turn. Once we have that worked out and we feel comfortable, then we can start the process again.

post #313 of 335
Thread Starter 

Weclome Lovekiddos! Good luck with the process!


Good luck in your endeavors Deborah!


Our yearly homestudy update is done. Number 40 on the list. Our profile is currently out with one Bmom right now. 5 new Bmoms joined our agency but arent at the choosing stage yet. 

post #314 of 335

Welcome Lovekiddos! How was your home study?  How long is the wait in ID?   After my final homestudy, it took no time at all for me to get a placement.  I got 3 calls the first week.  I saw a documentary on foster care in ID recently. 


Deborah - These are hard decisions to make.  It sounds like it was partly a financial decision - this I totally understand.  


MountainMama - Waiting is hard, right?  But it sounds as though you are steadily moving up the list.    


AFM - only good news from me.  Things are moving forward, slowly, but all signs are pointing toward a completed adoption in about a year's time.   All the ups and downs have been worth it.    :)

post #315 of 335
My update - our son's biological half-sibs (twins) were adopted by friends of our family last week! It's over. Everybody is safe. Birthmom is happily employed, has stable housing, and is newly married.

Now I am doing guardian ad litem training, because I am a glutton for punishment eyesroll.gif
post #316 of 335

Smithie, I want to become a GAL too!  after I am done with all this fostering madness.  I would love for you keep us updated on that process as well. :)

post #317 of 335

PUH- It was a wholly financial decision, but I also want to make sure my hubby is happy, so that we can be the best parents possible to our kiddo. We also don't know whether we'll be able to stay in Colorado, so that makes it challenging to proceed with an adoption.

post #318 of 335

I haven't posted in awhile. I'm still fostering the 2 yr old girl I got back in August and also have two additional girls from Fri-Sun who are being adopted by another family. They can only spend five days with the other family so need to come back to a foster home on the weekends. They are 6 and 7. The 2 yr old is doing several overnights each week with her mom and is set to reunify no later than the second week of Jan but hopefully it will be sooner like before Christmas. Her mom is great so hopefully that will all go smoothly. On the weekends the 2 yr old is usually gone but since bmom's work schedule changed i have all three now at least on fri nights and its amazing how different having these three foster kids is than the three sibs i had this summer...much more manageable even though the older girls have WAY more behavior issues. I think the big difference is that the 7 yr old does not fight with my 11 yr old daughter like the 8 yr old in the sib group did. 


Unfortunately because i have these temp girls i'm considered full. Anyone remember that baby kidnapped by bio mom that i was supposed to get as my first placement at the beginning of summer? He was four months old and bio mom ran off to another state with him. Well....they got him back! and the agency was going to call me but oops im full. So that was irritating. (they are letting the parents have three hours of visits each week though so im glad i dont have to do that!)Although i must say that after the 2 yr old leaves im thinking i might stick to school age kids for awhile, its much easier, we can all just jump in the van and go to the library or the park, we can have fun movie nights at home every fri or sat. So i might ask just for school age after this. This toddler is wearing me out! 

post #319 of 335

Hi ladies, It's been a while.  My {hopeful} daughter has one more court date, on December 12, that will determine if she will be placed with us or not.  It is complicated, because she has older siblings, the council for the children is suggesting that she should not be placed for adoption but should stay in care so that she can keep contact.  We have her every weekend, which is hard on her and on us, but the best we can do with the circumstances.  If the judge decides to terminate contact on Dec 12, she will be placed with us, hopefully before Christmas.  If not, we will somehow have to start to back off, because as much as we love her, if she will not be placed with us, the weekly upset is too hard on her and she needs to be allowed to move on. We are praying very hard that the judge will see that permanency will be way better for her than a life in the system.  3 more weeks!

post #320 of 335

Deborah - Good luck with hubby's business!   Hope to see you back on the adoption path soon.


Queenjane - Why is there a 5 day limit on the adoptive family for the two girls?  Is it because they are adopt only and not foster?  


Piratemere - Here, it seems, permanency always takes precedence over sibling contact especially at her stage of the game.  I will keep fingers and toes crossed for your next court hearing.   

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