I need help!

[Rosebud84]

I have never posted on any blogs or other websites for help with my situation. So here goes....

I am a 28 year old woman that has been married for 10 years with two children ages 8 and 10. This last year, 2012, my husband became very depressed. I had my doubts about an affair but I blew it off thinking it will unveil itself some how. Well I was right! Long story short the confrontation happened in October and I kicked him out because of it. He got an apartment in November and I stayed in the house. This worked out good because I had just received a teaching job in August and started getting paid for it in September.

We told the kids we were separating when he got his apartment. Our custody arrangement is M,T him and W,Th me with alternating weekends. He moved about 15mins away. Well a week after we told the kids he had his girlfriend come stay the night with her two kids. Need I say that he has a two bedroom apartment. I was furious, but it doesn't surprise me. I thought that at least for the kids sake and our agreement that we wouldn't bring anyone around the kids until a divorce is agreed or final. Well apparently I am the only one thinking about the kids environment. Since his move out he has been very depressed STILL. He wants to talk to me and I tell him that we are no longer a couple and that I cannot be here for him with his feelings and emotions. He blames me for everything. I just agree because he is so emotional that he is having a conversation to himself. I just simply dismiss myself from that argument.

He can't speak to me as an adult or speak like an adult in front of the kids.I hear so much from the kids about his conversations on the phone that happens in front of them. I tell the kids that they shouldn't be listening to his conversations and should walk away. I don't know if he thinks we will get back together but after all this crap, it isn't going to happen! He continues playing these flirting games and when I don't I am the bitch. I just laugh.

Since he has his own apartment, I have never been inside, I never ask to go in. I give him his space and respect that. On the other hand, he comes in my house whenever he wants, lays on my bed, eats from my kitchen. He won't take the rest of his stuff that are in boxes. He says he can come inside anytime he wants because his name is on the loan. I know I am unable to change the locks until I file for divorce (coming very SOON).

He has left me with past due bills that he was in charge of paying water, electric, mortgage. He doesn't pay for any medical expenses or medication for the kids or lunch money for school. I have asked and he said no I have no money. I see that he plays a pity game when he doesn't have to spend his money on hunting gear then not be able to pay his bills. He tells me all the time, "I am behind on all my bills". NOT MY PROBLEM! He always says, "I have no money!" It isn't my problem that he can't be responsible for anything.

Yes the house is more than 186 days past due and I have been trying to work with the mortgage company on getting a repayment plan or something set up. I am able to afford this right now, well, hopefully. This is another issue because since he doesn't want to sign a form to get off the deed I have to wait for his paperwork for the mortgage company can see if I can get on some type of program. .

I am just overwhelmed that he doesn't respect my privacy and doesn't think I should have any. I have many questions! I am filing this week but I want some input on what I should consider. The counselor doesn't agree with our custody arrangements and I agree. My kids are crazy when they come back from seeing him, my son doesn't take his ADHD medication, they don't get their homework done, and he never signs or checks their daily school folder. He constantly has his girlfriend over there with her two young kids. Which is why I think he is neglecting the school responsibilities for the kids.

I don't want to take away from him seeing them by no means at all. I just provide a stable home (always have been with them) compared to him. I hate to say that but I am looking at how their grades are dropping and they are gifted kids.

I have been trying my hardest to hold it all together (kids help me), bite my lip on what he says or does at my house and in front of the kids.

I just need some advice on what I need to consider, how to talk to him when it comes to the kids, what type of orders to consider, and anything else that I don't know about. I have never experienced this before so I don't even know if I should be asking something else.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[crazyms]

Okay not knowing where you are or standard laws there I'll tell you my thoughts based on what i know (miss law)...
file against him for adultery gets you more in the settlement if wanted.
For custody get full legal and physical property.
visitation state reasonable visitation if possible as this gives him no set times but he can see them whenever at your choosing, or to the standard eo weekend and alternating holidays. You can always let him have them weekdays but at least if it becomes an issue you aren't ordered to.
- put in the papers that no cohabitation or overnight guests of the opposite sex allowed when kids are present.
- file asap. Here the order goes into effect as soon as it's filed.
- c child support definitely figure the most possible, state it in dollar form ie $450. Se about a withholding order getting filed at the same time. Make sure it goes too you. Don't use dhs in papers.
- be sure to include medical insurance and costs to him and state in the papers that you claim kids in taxes

[Rosebud84]

I'm not sure of the laws either but I will deffinantly pass this on to my lawyer.
My kids have been acting more and more unusual. I've found out that his girlfriend has even there everyday. So no wonder they are citing this way. My son has been distant an my daughter a lot more needy and whiny. It's only when they come back from his place.
When they've talked to the counselor they were fine. Maybe because it was new and they were thinking about having a new place to go to. But now I think it's starting to show.
I've never wanted to have the kids see their dad less but he's been thinking of only himself. It's not going to hurt him two of the days to not have anyone over and not have her spend the night. His girlfriend has a key and she is over there before my kids get there with their dad. I'm even sure that she has more things over there than our kids. I know this because he brought all their clothes back over. It's just sad that he can't stop thinking about himself and just give the kids one-on-one time. He doesn't think that it affects them. He actually called me today saying that Gavin had been distant with him last night an he thinks its because of his game system over at my house. He wants to have him cut back on games. I agree with him but find it funny because that's all they do over at his place.
I never wanted it to come to where I have to take the kids more than him just because of the environment he has brought to them. I know I don't have control over it and that's fine but now it's affecting their behavior. It's just a big headache and I know it's going to turn into a migraine but I will continue disciplining them te same way we have always done it, how them love, talk with them, and give them attention. They seem to be much more needy this week than ever.

[VocalMinority]

#1 - What consequence would there be to you, if you changed the locks today?  The police are not going to come and break down your new lock because his name is on the lease.  If he (who has no money) came up with the money to take you to court over locking him out, A) A judge will not force you to let him back in, especially once you explain that you're separated, he has an apartment, and you're preparing to file for divorce.  B) Let's say a judge does tell you, "You actually weren't supposed to change the locks until after you filed."  Big deal.  You say, "Whoops.  I'm not an attorney.  I didn't know that.  And I never discussed it with my attorney.  I just assumed that once he moved out and signed a lease somewhere else, I was allowed to protect the privacy of my residence."

One thing I have unfortunately learned is that, for all the verbiage in family law, in the end only what can/will be enforced matters.  If there's some rule where you live, that prevents a wife from changing the locks after her husband leaves her for another woman, until she's had a chance to hire an attorney and file for divorce...then if the only consequence for breaking that rule is that a judge may wag a finger at you at some point in the future, so what?  More than likely, the judge would be more concerned about why your husband kept barging into your home after he moved out?

It is perfectly reasonable for you to tell your husband, "You alone made the choices that resulted in you having a separate residence.   You are no longer welcome in mine, except when/if I invite you.  Don't look to me, to sympathize over how that makes you feel.  You discarded any right to my sympathy and comfort, when you betrayed me."  

#2 - Frustrating as this will be, you should probably dump all the girlfriend issues.  Generally, men who promise not to have girlfriends around the kids only keep that promise until they have a girlfriend whom they want to have around the kids.  My ex and I actually wrote up and signed an agreement that included not having boyfriends/girlfriends spend the night when our kids were with us, but I've been universally assured - even by attorneys in my own family, who would like to say whatever I want to hear - that it would never stand up in court, if either of us tried to enforce it.

Most states have no-fault divorce, which means the court does not care and does not want to spend time listening to testimony about who is worse or more immoral.  In fact, focusing on that could very well backfire.  Let's say your husband complains, "She started off letting me have the kids half the time; now she's asking to have them the entire school week and to give me only weekends.  She claims it's because their grades are suffering, but the truth is she's trying to punish me because she resents that I have a girlfriend and she doesn't care how her anger hurts our kids.  Their grades are suffering because it upsets them that their mother is so hostile to me.  She won't let me step foot inside her door when I try to visit the kids, she's trying to cut their time with me and she tells them terrible things about me and my girlfriend, trying to poison them against me."  Then the judge listens to you criticize your husband for cheating on you, continuing to see the woman, shacking up with her, having her around the kids...  He may conclude that the kids do need some protection from your anger toward their dad, in the form of getting more time with him than might otherwise have been ordered.

It is better for you to sound saintly and supportive of the kids's relationship with him; you're simply trying to be practical:

* His apartment only has 2 bedrooms.  Esp. if your kids are a boy and a girl, that's fine for visiting, but not adequate or appropriate for spending school nights / half their time there - especially if he has other people living there or spending the night, which you understand from the kids that he does.  Leave it at that.  You might even say (but not before your court date) that you'd be open to revisiting the issue, if he gets a larger place in the future.  By the time he does, ideally a precedent will already have been set, wherein the kids spend every school night with you.  Especially if their grades go back up, he will have some work proving why his getting an extra bedroom (esp. if he's living with a GF and her kids) justifies modifying your parenting time orders, if the kids seem well-adjusted to the status quo.

* The log of signatures on the kids' assignment folders shows that he is irregular about checking their homework.  Don't speculate about why or try to blame it on his love life.  You'll sound jealous.  If he has sought professional help, you might say, "I know we both want the kids to succeed in school.  He's been treated for depression, the last X months.  Potentially, this has made it more difficult for him to keep up with the demands of overseeing their homework.  I don't want to keep them from spending time with him, it's just in their best interest that school days be spend entirely - or primarily - with me, for the time being."

* You MIGHT bring up that, again, he's struggling with depression.  He acts out emotionally, by calling you and alternately flirting with you, then being angry because he feels rejected by you.  Your kids have repeatedly mentioned him bad-mouthing you in their presence.  You can't prove what the kids have heard or said (in fact, you're not really supposed to mention it, but that kind of stuff gets mentioned anyway, in family court), but you can show your phone records, if there are an excessive number of calls from your husband and certainly save any emotional messages he's sent you.  If the judge considers you more emotionally stable than your husband, it could reinforce the need for the kids to spend more time with you (rather than 50-50).  But it's a fine line. Calmly, factually explaining your concerns about how he's behaving around the kids is good.  Sounding angry, critical and resentful - or saying much of anything about his girlfriend - will NOT help you sound more emotionally stable.  It'll just sound like both of you are having trouble dealing with your divorce.

#3- In your own mind, don't assume that the kids' falling grades are all directly your husband's fault.  It is very typical for kids to struggle with their grades in response to major changes at home.  It's even relatively common for some 8- to 10-year-olds to start struggling in school, as teachers begin to expect more independent work and time-management; and homework becomes more critical to what they're learning (whereas, in 1st or 2nd grade "homework" is often just exercises to get kids used to doing a bit of school work at home).

[Rosebud84]

I agree with what your saying. This week I've felt that whatever environment he has given the kids are his problems and all I can do is provide a structured and loving environment. I'm to the point where I want this to be easy and not fight over anything. I'm just wanting it to be done with. Put on papers so that we both must follow it. Get my privacy and boundaries set so I can move on. I'm thankful for all who has shared their stories which helped me and giving me advice based on past experiences. I will keep updating next week when the papers are filed.

[rocky]

Originally Posted by VocalMinority 

#1 - What consequence would there be to you, if you changed the locks today?  The police are not going to come and break down your new lock because his name is on the lease.  If he (who has no money) came up with the money to take you to court over locking him out, A) A judge will not force you to let him back in, especially once you explain that you're separated, he has an apartment, and you're preparing to file for divorce.  B) Let's say a judge does tell you, "You actually weren't supposed to change the locks until after you filed."  Big deal.  You say, "Whoops.  I'm not an attorney.  I didn't know that.  And I never discussed it with my attorney.  I just assumed that once he moved out and signed a lease somewhere else, I was allowed to protect the privacy of my residence."

One thing I have unfortunately learned is that, for all the verbiage in family law, in the end only what can/will be enforced matters.  If there's some rule where you live, that prevents a wife from changing the locks after her husband leaves her for another woman, until she's had a chance to hire an attorney and file for divorce...then if the only consequence for breaking that rule is that a judge may wag a finger at you at some point in the future, so what?  More than likely, the judge would be more concerned about why your husband kept barging into your home after he moved out?

It is perfectly reasonable for you to tell your husband, "You alone made the choices that resulted in you having a separate residence.   You are no longer welcome in mine, except when/if I invite you.  Don't look to me, to sympathize over how that makes you feel.  You discarded any right to my sympathy and comfort, when you betrayed me."  

This is VERY good advice(as is the entire post - I'd read it and re-read it).  Me not allowing (stb)xh into my home anymore was a big day for me.  It changed the whole dynamic.  He was barging in - and what Rosebud described - eating my food, lying on my bed, making himself at home - and worst of all picking fights with me in front of the kids.  Plus he had a new home already with his mistress.  He was living with a new girlfriend and her daughter while we were still married.  A home that I would never consider entering.  But he could come into 'my' home because his name is on the mortgage?  The day I filed for divorce my lawyer informed me that although his name was on the mortgage and technically he was one of the owners of the home, he was no longer allowed in without my permission and I could call the police if he tried to get in.  I didn't have the courage to change the locks prior to this and I didn't actually know that filing for divorce gave me new rights.  

Him entering the house and then berating me while inside in front of the kids - that was what I wanted to avoid.  And once he could no longer enter - well - it made it so he finally realized that he wasn't in control.  He now had to make appointments with the kids.  He couldn't get to me because to reach me he needed telephone or e-mail and I could hang up or not answer. The kids didn't have to hear ANY fights anymore. I refused to say anything over the phone and he wasn't in my face.  It made a world of difference.  

When that day came I calmly told him he was not allowed in and that my intention was not to fight but was exactly the opposite.  I also told him what I stated above.  That he had a home with his GF that I would never enter and thus I should also have the right to have a home that is for my own privacy - if I want to have a boyfriend I should be able to and without his permission or knowledge.  When I put it that way it actually hit home with him.  I simply said I will not go in your house with you and your girlfriend and I expect you will not enter my house either. Weirdly I saw a lightbulb go off in his head when I said that where he understood that what I said was correct.  

After I changed the lock I would sing the Gloria Gaynor song - I will survive over and over again.

 I should have changed that stupid lock

I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive

Sounds maybe trite or overused but I just love it still to this day.  It's now about 4 years later - and now we actually do enter each other's homes on occasion for a coffee.  But I still love how the words of that song make me feel.  'cause you're not welcome anymore!!!!!"

[Rosebud84]

That made me smile. The down side over here is that my X is a certified locksmith and he can pick any lock to come in. The day that I file I will install an alarm system. I want that type of communication to since he won't listen to anything I recommend or suggest. He wants it his way and dismisses anything I say. Now that ie realized how he treats me verbally and disrespects me he has dismissed and told me what I say is stupid over the last year and half. I'm feeling stronger and strong about my future. I'm not planning to drag this divorce out at all. I don't want to speak to him by phone since his emotions are all over the place and can't be reasonable to come to some type of an agreement with the kids. For now I would like to keep things at a minimum and then I know (well hope) in the future we can talk without someone arguing. He is still immature and playing the pity party card. All I want and need is my privacy and boundaries set so that I have some peace of mind.
I did recently just fun out that he is starting to post adds to sell some of our assets. A big No-No. Oh well if he take the car out in front of my house then so be it. If that's going to be how he has to learn a lesson then I will let him learn his lesson. Plus the title is in my name only! All my documents are at a safe location.
So next week should be interesting but hopefully not painful since the filling will take place. I worry that he will be coming in the house while I'm at work looking for that title and then he is going to be mad. I don't want him to do anything stupid.
I told him a long time ago not to sell anything until the divorce is final so that we know who's is what. But he does whatever he wants to because he is only thinking about right now. Well, I will pray that he gains some conscious instead of acting soley on emotions.
I never wanted this battle. I just want us to go our peaceful ways. I'm ready for a peaceful way!!

[Rosebud84]

So it been a while and I have an update...
I filed for divorce and had him served. We have had our earring for temporary orders. It's all ok with me, however recently his girlfriend started coming around.
For example, last Thursday 2/21/13- was our daughters program and open house at school. Well I has the kids that night so I brought them to the school. He brought his girlfriend and I believe her younger brother with him.
Yesterday, she showed up to our kids baseball practice without her kids. When it was over and after a quick team meeting we started to leave. She started playing with our kids and had our son on the ground tickling him. I just waited because I was past them ready to go and she new it. She just ignored the fact that we were trying to leave. I said politely to my son, G let's go please.

I was surprised that I wasn't jealous about her being there for her first show to our friends but I felt that it was a little disrespectful do that when we were clearly leaving. She is about 4 years younger so maybe her maturity level isn't at he age. At least seeing all this I felt more confident with my decision for a divorce and have no more feelings for my X. I guess I did check out of the marriage 4 years ago and just stayed for the kids.
What are your thoughts on this type of behavior?