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I need help.

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 
> I have never posted on any blogs or other websites for help with my situation. So here goes....
>
> I am a 28 year old woman that has been married for 10 years with two children ages 8 and 10. This last year, 2012, my husband became very depressed. I had my doubts about an affair but I blew it off thinking it will unveil itself some how. Well I was right! Long story short the confrontation happened in October and I kicked him out because of it. He got an apartment in November and I stayed in the house. This worked out good because I had just received a teaching job in August and started getting paid for it in September.
>
> We told the kids we were separating when he got his apartment. Our custody arrangement is M,T him and W,Th me with alternating weekends. He moved about 15mins away. Well a week after we told the kids he had his girlfriend come stay the night with her two kids. Need I say that he has a two bedroom apartment. I was furious, but it doesn't surprise me. I thought that at least for the kids sake and our agreement that we wouldn't bring anyone around the kids until a divorce is agreed or final. Well apparently I am the only one thinking about the kids environment. Since his move out he has been very depressed STILL. He wants to talk to me and I tell him that we are no longer a couple and that I cannot be here for him with his feelings and emotions. He blames me for everything. I just agree because he is so emotional that he is having a conversation to himself. I just simply dismiss myself from that argument.
>
> He can't speak to me as an adult or speak like an adult in front of the kids.I hear so much from the kids about his conversations on the phone that happens in front of them. I tell the kids that they shouldn't be listening to his conversations and should walk away. I don't know if he thinks we will get back together but after all this crap, it isn't going to happen! He continues playing these flirting games and when I don't I am the bitch. I just laugh.
>
> Since he has his own apartment, I have never been inside, I never ask to go in. I give him his space and respect that. On the other hand, he comes in my house whenever he wants, lays on my bed, eats from my kitchen. He won't take the rest of his stuff that are in boxes. He says he can come inside anytime he wants because his name is on the loan. I know I am unable to change the locks until I file for divorce (coming very SOON).
>
> He has left me with past due bills that he was in charge of paying water, electric, mortgage. He doesn't pay for any medical expenses or medication for the kids or lunch money for school. I have asked and he said no I have no money. I see that he plays a pity game when he doesn't have to spend his money on hunting gear then not be able to pay his bills. He tells me all the time, "I am behind on all my bills". NOT MY PROBLEM! He always says, "I have no money!" It isn't my problem that he can't be responsible for anything.
>
> Yes the house is more than 186 days past due and I have been trying to work with the mortgage company on getting a repayment plan or something set up. I am able to afford this right now, well, hopefully. This is another issue because since he doesn't want to sign a form to get off the deed I have to wait for his paperwork for the mortgage company can see if I can get on some type of program. .
>
> I am just overwhelmed that he doesn't respect my privacy and doesn't think I should have any. I have many questions! I am filing this week but I want some input on what I should consider. The counselor doesn't agree with our custody arrangements and I agree. My kids are crazy when they come back from seeing him, my son doesn't take his ADHD medication, they don't get their homework done, and he never signs or checks their daily school folder. He constantly has his girlfriend over there with her two young kids. Which is why I think he is neglecting the school responsibilities for the kids.
>
> I don't want to take away from him seeing them by no means at all. I just provide a stable home (always have been with them) compared to him. I hate to say that but I am looking at how their grades are dropping and they are gifted kids.
>
> I have been trying my hardest to hold it all together (kids help me), bite my lip on what he says or does at my house and in front of the kids.
>
> I just need some advice on what I need to consider, how to talk to him when it comes to the kids, what type of orders to consider, and anything else that I don't know about. I have never experienced this before so I don't even know if I should be asking something else.
>
> Thank you for taking the time to read this.
>
post #2 of 15

First, I want to give you a big huge hug. That is A LOT to be dealing with, mama. He does not sound like a man who can be reasonable or fair - far from it. Unfortunately, that is very common for many of our ex-partners.

 

Anyways, I don't have much advice to give as I'm still wading through all the mess that comes with separation/divorce. Here are a few initial thoughts/recommendations/questions:

 

- Have you consulted a lawyer? If not, do so immediately. It sounds like you don't have much money so please look into free legal services. You have rights and it sounds like he is trampling all over them. 

 

- Are you seeing a therapist or counsellor? If not, get one immediately. Again, there should be some free services. Ask your doctor or call your local women's shelter. It would be really good for the kids, too, to see someone. Divorce is not easy for anyone, least alone the kids. It could make a big difference in helping them identify the dysfunction your X is exhibiting so they can protect themselves from soaking it in. I'll bet they're pretty tormented due to their dad's apparently manipulative nature.

 

- Document! Document! Document! It will feel like the biggest pain in the butt to be up late at night writing down things the kids said, things your X did or said, schoolwork that wasn't done when the kids were with X, each time your child doesn't take his medication at his dad's, what you pay for and what he doesn't, etc. Everything! Keeping a private online journal is perhaps the easiest, but you could also just send yourself emails with these details every night. This information will give you significant power.

 

- I don't know the legal specifics but I'm pretty darn sure he cannot just waltz into your home whenever he likes. He has a separate home, you are then officially separated and where you are living is YOUR home. You need legal advice for this. Sounds like you'll need to file some kind of restraining order. 

 

Bottom line, mama - he sounds like a narcissistic, highly manipulative, toxic man. Don't feel bad for feeling that your kids would be better off with less contact. Sounds like they would be. Well done for keeping it all together through all of this - you are Superwoman!  Get yourself some help for your emotions and sanity and get you and your kids protected. You deserve to live in peace. 

 

xoxo

post #3 of 15

If he has a separate legal residence I'm pretty sure you are allowed to change the locks. Talk to a lawyer and talk to a therapist because this situation is complicated and heavy. I'm sorry. :(

post #4 of 15

I'm not sure if you've consulted with a lawyer but that's got to happen right away.  As for the current custody agreement - I take it that was just agreed upon, not ordered or anything?  If I were you I'd try to change that right away so it doesn't become the precedent if you go to court.  (I think it's only been a couple of months?)  He's not providing the stability the kids need -- is he insisting on this arrangment or do you think he'd give you a hard time if you edged toward him getting every other weekend, as it is now, but you have the kids all weekdays?  50/50 physical custody often is not in the best interest of the kids (for the reasons you've seen).  He could still have joint legal custody, but with you having primary physical residence. 

 

You are absolutely right to distance yourself emotionally from him; he does sound narcissistic and selfish - unable to have a meaningful exchange.  He has no right to come into your home and the sooner that boundary is set, the better.

post #5 of 15
Thread Starter 
Thank you all for the help. I have spoken to an attorney and from my knowledge I can't change the locks until I file for divorce.
The weekend I found out that his girlfriend spent the night with her two kids is when I liked into a counselor. We have seen the counselor. It's helping me but these posts help me even more.
This schedule has been verbally agreed for the past two months. I'm not able to talk to him about what's best for the kids. He is still in denial about everything, house, his stuff which he won't pick up.
He brought over all the kids clothes that were at his apartment. I don't know why. So they only take what they wear the day of and he washes it for them to wear it again the next day. They are school uniforms so that doesn't matter but the whole fact that he doesn't keep clothing or even toys there is crazy. I don't understand that. The only thing I can think of is that he doesn't think this is all real and that maybe he thinks I'm just waiting. Boy he has no clue. He is also in a deep depression.
The more I ask him to please stay outside while getting the kids or even not to come into the house unless I'm here he does it the next day just to prove a point. So I am waiting to get this process completed so that I can have my boundaries like he has his own. And for the stability for the kids. I just feel very bad for the kids right now but I'm trying to show them the right thing to do for their future.
post #6 of 15

i agree with above...DOCUMENT EVERYTHING HE DOES AND SAYS, VOICEMAIL,TEXT ETC...

 

I can relate somewhat but in situation I left my husband becuase i was not happy-but he played the flirting, wanting to come to my apartment and stay the night (after i had strssed to him we are DONE-heck i already moved out) he would slap me on the ass, try to ask me to lunch balhhh all after i had moved out.

He madeany effort he could esp since we met to switch off wiht our son, to be near me and it made my feelings go really downhill for him. he just annoyed the crap out of me.

 

the only advice i can really give is like i said document, and kill his ass with kindness!!!!! dont let him have anything against you or bad to say about you.

my ex tried his damndest to be with me and was so nice but as soon as we had our first meeting with my attorney he got MEAN i guess he realized i was serious...

after that he was short, rude, and tried to make me look like a bad parent all of a sudden, but he had nothing on me...

so take caution, bite your tongue!!!! kill him with kindness, he wont get away with it for long

as far as the children go, you are doing the right thing...you cannot be there to listen or watch his move when they are in his care so as long as you explain to them to just ignore him and walk away, ur doing good...i know its not a good feeling when they go off or to their fathers and you dont know whos there or whats going on then you hear things...it was hard for me as well.

my situation ended up getting alot better,though. he was and has always been a great father and he still is... he helps me out alot and we all get along i have been in a relationship for 5 years now and have a 3 month old and we all get along, and its best for the children of course....

i hope some of this helps. and good luck to you!

pm me if you ever need to talk :)

xoxo

post #7 of 15

You wrote 'we have seen the counselor'. Do you mean you and your ex go together? All the literature I've read on this says that doing counselling with a manipulative abusive person will do more harm than good. You need to get help for yourself.  

 

Are you able to send him text messages? Can you write something like "I'm thinking it might be easiest for the kids if they keep some clothes at your home. I'll send them with extra when they visit you next." He really should buy them new clothes for his place.

 

Can you file for a restraining order? Has he ever been the least bit physically violent with you? He is abusive, from my perspective so I think you could argue that you are scared that the verbal/emotional/psychological abuse will escalate. You are living in fear, essentially. You have no privacy and that is ridiculously stressful. Please talk to a lawyer about this, or even call the non-emergency police phone number to find out what your options are. It is NOT ok that he enters your home when you have explicitly told him not to.

 

I'm worried about your emotional wellbeing. It seems like you are living in a hostage kind of situation - no space to breathe, no privacy to grieve. Big hugs. You are definitely doing the right thing by leaving him because, like you said, you are showing them the right thing to do. They will now grow up knowing you as a strong independent mama. xo

post #8 of 15
Thread Starter 
Sash2012- I have been documenting everything. Hearing other stories do help and I appreciate you sharing with me the hope of a good future.

Lil green- when I said we went to the counselor I meant me and the kids. I took them because of the other person being introduced to them two weeks after we told the kids we were separating. I go see the counselor for myself. You are correct on how emotionally draining it is but I don't cry over it. I'm just so done! I do have a lawyer and I'm trying to push this through quickly.
My X has never been physically abusive but you are correct about I do have fear that it can escalate. I have never seen this kind of behavior and how irresponsible he has been in front of the kids. I have told him I would prefer to email and he doesn't respond. It's never regarding us, it's about the kids or the mortgage (since he is still on the account and I'm trying to get on a program to catch up what he couldn't/didn't pay-even though I was there to but he was responsible to pay it first and he didn't). I had to send a text to ask him to please text me once he has picked up the kids. He said yes I will. He hasn't spoke to me in over a week. I'm completely ok with it except kids are involved an you just can't avoid speaking to me. I'm trying to push push push to get this process started!!!!

I know he will start to try and find everything he can to make me look bad and I have nothing but I'm still worried that maybe he will do something to make it look a if it was me. I'm just trying to think of what he could possibly try to make me look like the bad person. Well I'm glad to say that I've done nothing I just hope he keeps te kids out of his emotions to try to tear me down more.
post #9 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosebud84 View Post

Sash2012- I have been documenting everything. Hearing other stories do help and I appreciate you sharing with me the hope of a good future.

Lil green- when I said we went to the counselor I meant me and the kids. I took them because of the other person being introduced to them two weeks after we told the kids we were separating. I go see the counselor for myself. You are correct on how emotionally draining it is but I don't cry over it. I'm just so done! I do have a lawyer and I'm trying to push this through quickly.
My X has never been physically abusive but you are correct about I do have fear that it can escalate. I have never seen this kind of behavior and how irresponsible he has been in front of the kids. I have told him I would prefer to email and he doesn't respond. It's never regarding us, it's about the kids or the mortgage (since he is still on the account and I'm trying to get on a program to catch up what he couldn't/didn't pay-even though I was there to but he was responsible to pay it first and he didn't). I had to send a text to ask him to please text me once he has picked up the kids. He said yes I will. He hasn't spoke to me in over a week. I'm completely ok with it except kids are involved an you just can't avoid speaking to me. I'm trying to push push push to get this process started!!!!

I know he will start to try and find everything he can to make me look bad and I have nothing but I'm still worried that maybe he will do something to make it look a if it was me. I'm just trying to think of what he could possibly try to make me look like the bad person. Well I'm glad to say that I've done nothing I just hope he keeps te kids out of his emotions to try to tear me down more.

That's great you and your kids are seeing a counsellor. Fantastic! Don't give up on it even though it might feel like the kids aren't getting anything from it. It took my ds1 a long time to develop trust with his therapist but he really had  a good relationship with her after some time. 

 

I think you need to get firm with your lawyer and tell your lawyer what you need. You need:


- to stop your X from entering your home - immediately! Request a restraining order. He is harassing you and you are scared.

- to restrict all communication to email or text only - immediately!  Actually, this is something you can do for yourself, by yourself. It seemed extreme to me at first, but now I know that it's a very common rule among divorcing couples. Text him that you are requesting he only communicate to you by email or text. When he tries to call, don't answer. Text him again and remind him. When he comes over and tries to talk to you, tell him you will not discuss whatever he wants to discuss but he is free to send you an email or text about it. Repeat, repeat, repeat. You can do that!

- You can't do a divorce with such a man amicably. You have to give up any hope for trying to keep him calm - that's not your responsibility. This is a fight, sadly, because he is not a reasonable person. You need to fight for yourself and for what's best for your kids.

 

There are other mamas in this forum who have dealt with adulterous ex-partners and the subsequent abuse. See if you can search for some using keywords. That could be useful.

 

I really think you need to give your lawyer a kick in the butt or get a new lawyer. I know that sounds way too much to deal with right now, but a lot of mamas have changed lawyers - it's common practice and nothing to be scared of doing. Also, do your own research about family law in your state. Research restraining orders so you know the right wording to present it to your lawyer. Is there a name for the particular type of restraining order you need?

 

when I began this process, one mama told me that divorce debt is good debt. I believe that, especially when you have concerns (and you do!!!) about what's best for the kids.

 

xo

post #10 of 15
Thread Starter 
I just started the process with my lawyer so we haven't discussed anything yet. I will give him a chance before seeking someone else. I am willing to pay and that's fine with me.
I will deffinantly ask for a restraining order so that he can't come I the house.
I have told my X over and over how he needs to text or email me. I don't answer his calls and I write a text lasted saying yes? But he won't text or email about the kids. He wants to talk by phone about them. Yesterday he was worried about my sons behavior and I say I will speak to him. My X told me to text or email him and I said I will email you. He doesn't respond to any emails I have sent in the last week and a half. I don't want him to come up with an excuse about how he isn't getting them. But believe me I will be requesting all of what you have said and my family has been saying the same thing. Thank you for your advice.
post #11 of 15
You can also have your lawyer write a request to him or to his lawyer if he has one that emails and text messages shoud be responded to within 24hours. You're doing great!!!! Please don't forget to take care of yourself. Treat yourself. xoxo
post #12 of 15
Thread Starter 
You have been very helpful. I have requested from the very beginning how I will text or email as a form of communication and he neer respected it. I also just now wrote another email about only texting or emailing and he said..."To a point . We will need to talk via telephone. Grow up and act like an adult. I will not talk to you about who or what you are doing. I may ask how are you but no longer ask about your doings. We need to have some type of relationship for our kids." I don't ask him about his well being or his personal life.
post #13 of 15

Do you have storm doors on your house?  When my ex left he also thought he could still just come and go as he liked - I'd turn around and he'd be there, I'd come home and he'd be there, scared the crap out of me and really ticked me off.  We had a storm/screen door on the back door that was there when we bought the house and we never had a key, and since we never used that door much I started locking it, and then I put a new storm door on the front door - you know, for weather-proofing reasons :-), and I started keeping it locked all the time and I had the only key.  That way he couldn't claim I changed the locks but I had more security.

post #14 of 15
Weird. I was the one that left. I would feel totally weird gaming into the house. I still have a key and the guarge door opener, but really wouldn't it be odd?
post #15 of 15
Thread Starter 
I don't have storm doors but I will be getting an alarm system and cameras. The reason for this is because he is a certidfied locksmith. Which sucks!
I believe that his reason for keeping his stuff at my house is so that he an claim it to still be his. That will be changing soon. I am hoping that this will be started next week. Well it looks to be that way.
I tried talking to him today about coming up with a plan on what's the way form of communication for anything involving the kids. I said if its an emergency I will call and leave a message if he doesn't pick up. I will also text so that he knows its serious. If its not serious then I would prefer and email or text that way their will be no misunderstandings.
He said I will only call you for anything I have concerns for with the kids and expect a call back working a couple hours. That conversation clearly wasn't going to be compromising. So I switched topics and asked asked about the custody arrangement. He said well I'm only going to do every other week and that's all you will get. He is saying that because his girlfriend who is separated has the every other week. I said well if we can't come up with a better arrangement then who will? He said the JUDGE an you won't get full fucking custody. I said I'm not going to speak to you right now. He was so rude, kept changing subjects. Well I tried and now I know why I can't speak to him by phone.
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