~*~*~*~ Spotlight on Buko!!!! ~*~*~*~ « Back to Group Discussions

[jodieanneanton]

Sorry this is a day late! 

Ask away!!!

[buko]

[jodieanneanton]

Your DH sounds like a dream... (Mine is, too... ) How did you two meet? What's your love story?

You may have mentioned it before, but I don't remember...  What is your business's product/focus?  (Was it something about natural baby stuff or am i mistaken?)

[scruffy too]

You've mentioned before that you and DH have worked very hard on your relationship.  Did you do anything particular (like structured workshops)?  Just curious.  (Your relationship sounds similar to what my parents still have after 32 years of marriage, so cute to read about!!)

[buko]

OMG, the DRAMA we have been through!  I mean, he is 100% my soulmate, and we are in an awesome place right now, but... O.

M.

G!

I think that's why I am so appreciative of the way things are right now.  We have been through a couple rounds of therapy, almost splitting up a few years ago...  almost any drama you can think of, we've BTDT, much as we've always loved each other.  It was worth it, but as a good friend of mine said once (she met her DH in high school), there is a special kind of hell for couples who find each other when they're young.

Of course, I was a lot younger than he was!  We met while working at a sort of faux-retro diner-- I was a 17-year-old hostess (pretty much my first job) and he was a 25-year-old waiter, just graduated college.  I will note, for the record, that I had graduated high school, at least!  I was never into older men...  in fact, I was dating my high school sweetheart and broke up with him to date DH.

We (only half-jokingly) picked up a wedding etiquette book within a few weeks of dating.  We were engaged 2 years later, married at 20 and 28.  We will be 35 and 43 in a couple of months (wow!) 

I once heard that the ideal (most stable/successful) couple comes from similar backgrounds but has complementary personalities.  Well, he and I are from pretty wildly different backgrounds and family cultures, but have basically the exact same personality, LOL...  Well, not really, but for example, we are both Myers-Briggs ENFJs, and we both have ADD.  It made for lots of "No one knows me like yooooouuuuu doooooooo!!!!" and also lots of "OMG, how can you possibly see this thing even a little differently?!  My whooole world is falling apaaaaart!!!!"  Like, extreme closeness, and soulmate-y-ness, but also have to watch out for codependence and major fireworks. 

At least we are different birth orders, which is good-- I'm an oldest/only (was an only for 10 years) and he is a more laid-back middle child.  And then OTOH, with his being so much older, he also took/takes the lead in some arenas.

Of course, in a way (not entirely good), I was following in my parents' footsteps.  They are from VERY different backgrounds, soulmates/BFFs, got married at 19/20 and waited 10 years to have their first kid, lots of drama... but they just celebrated 44 years of marriage, so...

Long story short: A lot of work!  But yes, worth it.  Absolutely.

---

So, my (our) business is two-faceted right now.  I have a sustainable, but small-scale, clothing resale business, mostly on eBay.  That has paid most of our bills and should continue to do so, but is only so... "growable," I guess.  I was looking for something that had more long-term potential and was more replicable in terms of supply (the way the clothing re-sale biz is, I can't just call up my suppliers and order X more units of Y product).  Anyway, when we were in the Philippines last year, we found some really neat jewelry, so we are also working on getting an independent site up and running for that (we have our initial order of 1000 pieces)...  That is more our medium- or longer-term focus, because it is a little less time-intensive, more profitable, more expandable and allows us, potentially, to travel to the Philippines for "free" or at a much reduced rate.  (DH's parents retired back there and I would like to expose Buko to the Philippines as much as possible!)  So, we'll see.

The natural baby products business is our third idea-- it's only "in development" right now.  If we can get the jewelry thing to replace the clothing thing by the end of 2013 or 2014, we will be bringing in the same amount of $ or more, with less work.  With a nice, steady cash cow like that, we can start seriously thinking about the natural baby thing (which in my mind would involve actually getting new products manufactured).  Now THAT is something that I think, as we are conceiving of it, could be really huge.  But it's only theory for now.   

[Chapsie]

Wow, so interesting!  

I love that you took time to explain your personality types!  Teehee!   I'm an ENFP, btw.  :)    My "J" friends always get super annoyed with me for being so "P."  :)     My DH is an INTP and from a VERY different background from me (I grew up in white suburban america as a middle child and he is an oldest in a missionary family and spent 18 years in Southeast Asia (including the Philippines.)  :)      I think our differences in personality do make it "easier" to get along.  I can't imagine being married to my personality match.  My SIL is also an ENFP, and while we think/act similarly in a lot of ways, our perspectives are just different enough on certain issues that I find we sometimes clash.  It must be challenging, but also a lot of fun.  :)  

Any particular reason why you decided now was the best time to expand your family?  Especially after 15 years of marriage!  

[veganyogamomma]

I think its wonderful that you've been together so long and worked through so much! And now your first baby is coming and you are in such a stable place! I really loved reading how supportive he is of you!

What are your hobbies?

What would you say is the most unusual thing about you?

I just started dabbling in ebay clothing resale since I cant work a regular job this pregnancy and we are needing more income. Any tips you would share? I'm not trying to take down your empire or anything

[buko]

Scruffy....  That's a good question!

We did a little premarital counseling (1997), and then in 2008 we did go through some more counseling...  Just cognitive/behavioral with a therapist.  She actually wasn't the greatest, but just having a third party was helpful.  We have also done counseling individually. 

We are a talky people, LOL!  No workshops, per se, though.

I don't know if I mentioned it here, but when we had decided to finally start trying to have a baby, we thought it might be a good idea to get a "tune-up" and talk to a (different, highly-recommended) couples counselor to work out any fears or issues.  This was like December 2011.  We went in and talked about the things we were dealing with, concerns we had (a big change in our relationship, considering how long we've been together!), etc. 

After like 1/2 an hour of our describing our fears and concerns, she just kind of looked at us and said, "Why are you here?"  LMAO.  "Go, have a baby!"

We were like, did we present some kind of false face to her?  No, we were very forthcoming.  But even when we brought up recent conflicts, she would point out how we had resolved them pretty well and we were communicating really nicely overall.  We were so funny-- especially me...  I was like, what do you mean, I DON'T NEED THERAPY?  HOW CAN THIS BE?!?!?  I felt like one of those convicts who gets let out after 25 years in prison and does something stupid to get thrown back in, like hold up a store without a gun, because I CAN'T LIVE ON THE OUTSIDE!!!!

But, she was right, LOL.  For now, anyway, we're actually pretty good.  

I'm amazed at how we stayed together with all the fighting... especially in the beginning, and at a few other points.  I mean, we were also a great couple from the beginning, and there was tons of love, but we are pretty dramatastic.  We used to have some fight or another at least once a week when we first started dating...  and they could sometimes be pretty soul-wrenching, partly because I think we were SO heavily invested in the relationship, so it really could feel like worlds crashing down.  Now it's like...  once every 2 or 3 months, and it gets resolved pretty quickly and reasonably and makes our relationship stronger.  And we let a lot of the petty things go before they're even issues at all. 

I wish I could give some sort of formula, but I think it's just been...  Well, not just time or general "growing-up."  Because if you don't work on things, time can just make you MORE set in your ways and worse off.  I've seen a lot of that among friends and family. 

I guess it's just been sort of constant wanting to be better people, always chipping away little by little...  a lot of talking, LOL.  And I guess some sort of commitment, in the end, to not being in denial, to not accepting that "this is just how it's going to be" when it comes to unresolved fundamental issues that will just keep rearing their ugly heads.  

I do think there were some "nodal" points, too-- at one point, we physically semi-separated and I realized that just because you can't imagine your life without someone is no reason to stay with him.  YKWIM?  At times, some form of "stepping away" was healthy for us, especially having been SO close from such young ages.

And I guess...  a lot of it was being willing to work on ourselves, individually.  Yes, that's a lot of it.  For example, I am a super-anxious person, but when we were semi-separated (2007), I took up meditation.  That's going to make our relationship better right there.  Or when DH had to suck it up and take a very challenging but rewarding job that he was WAY overqualified for...  that changed him, too, in a good way.

Some words of wisdom from my mom might be appropriate here.

When I was first dating DH, I asked her how she knew Dad was "the one."  And she said, "We made it work."  And I replied, "Yes, I know you 'made it work,' but how did you know he was the one you wanted to make it work with?"  And she said, "We made it work."  What she meant was not that it didn't matter whom she chose, but that the willingness to work on their relationship was at least as important. 

When I was about to get married (my family has always adored DH, BTW-- and they have seen his warts!), Mom told me that the most important thing to remember is that we were going to change.  That in 10 years, or even 5 years, or even 1, he won't be the man I married, and I won't be the woman he married.  And we'd have to adapt, and that's a relationship, YK?  And she would know!  When she met my dad, she was a government secretary from a poor family who was never even supposed to go to college.  10 years later, she was graduating from an Ivy League medical school!  I could go on.  But you see her point!  I took it to heart, and man, has it been true for us!  To take a snapshot of who we were and where we were in our lives when we met, after 5 years, 10 or 15...  you wouldn't recognize us!  If we expected to remain the same people with the same relationship...  we wouldn't be together, that's for sure.   

[buko]

Wow, I can't keep up!  Long-winded, much?  (Me, I mean-- not y'all!)

Chapsie, DH and I are actually both ENFXs...  meaning we both hover really close to the J/P line.  Ay!

Deciding to have a baby...  Well, I never did want to have a baby young (see my parents), so I had always assumed I wouldn't "feel ready" until I had been married at least 6-8 years, and DH was also fine with that (though he loves kids and comes from a long line of big Catholic families, naturally).  I've had literally almost 18 years of people coming up to me and telling me he's going to make a great dad (while he plays with/engages with their kids).  Of course, although he can be pretty patient with kids (relative to me-- I think b/c I was an only for so long, wrapped up in my parents and adult activities), he was, for a long time, more of a "fun uncle" and I was afraid of him losing his temper.  Not violently, but still.  That has been reduced by 99% in the past 18 years, though.  Lot of work on that!  You know-- and him working on just generally not defaulting to his parents (super-permissive, yet somewhat volatile, mom, very authoritarian and impatient/unempathetic dad).  Of course, I have worked on the same thing in myself, though my parents' issues are different.

Anyway!  At one point... maybe around 26-27, I actually contemplated never having kids.  DH and I sort of "tried that on" for a couple months, just to see how it felt, and ultimately decided that we probably did want them eventually, just not then.  Around 30 or so, we were going through really trying times, but as we got out of that...  IDK, it just started feeling more "right."  I think because we knew who we were as individuals... so much more than before, YK?  We were more secure.  That helped a lot-- especially me, as I had been so anxious, I was just sure for a long time I'd have no patience with a kid, etc.

So we then "tried on" the idea of "TTC in about a year" when I was ~32-33, and that really did feel more and more right as the year went on, so we went for it in Feb of 2012.  I was lucky enough to get pregnant the first month we really tried, which kind of shocked us (obviously my BCP were working hard for 14 years!  I had never even had a pregnancy "scare" in all that time). 

I did miscarry, but was super-blessed to get pregnant again within 6 weeks of the m/c, and here we are!  Apparently, we're ridiculously fertile or something (esp at 34 and 42)-- who knew?  Very, very lucky and blessed.

At times, I'm still very...  OMG!  I'm going to be SOMEBODY'S MOTHER!  But it doesn't faze me as much as I thought it might, considering all this time I've had to be an adult (and we've had to be a couple) without being a parent.  Amazing. 

[buko]

veganyogamomma-- thank you!

Hobbies...  Hmmmm...  Well, I am still writing and taking classes.  Screenwriting and filmmaking in particular is something I'd like to make a go of at some point, but with my ADD I am a bit of a dabbler.  And I'm fine with that, BTW!  I also have my hands in developing a children's book, etc.-- so I guess writing in some form will always be my avocation, though I'd like it to be my vocation too.  The idea is that if we can get into a rhythm within the next year (especially with a less time-intensive business) and actually have a little tiny bit of free time, we will both be able to spend some on our passions.  (DH is a crazy amateur athlete, singer and actor.)  We'll see.

The most unusual thing about me...  Hmmmm...  Again.  Good questions!  Probably my last name, which I contend only my brother and I have ever had, in the history of the world.  It's a hyphenate (from birth) of a semi-familiar British name and really badly-misspelled Ellis Island version of an already really rare Ashkenazi name.  So, yeah, I think statistics are on the side of no one else ever having had my full name.  Kind of nice consolation prize, since my name doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, and no one can ever spell it!

Trivia-wise...

-DH and I were the last official finishers of a big marathon a few years back.

-I have never learned to ride a bike.  I also can't whistle by blowing out, nor snap my fingers.

-I was a Jeopardy! Champion a while ago.

You're welcome to pick my brain about eBay!  My first suggestion would be to lurk the Clothing Board in the forums-- lots of good info there.    

http://forums.ebay.com/db2/forum/Clothing-Shoes-Accessories/7

[jodieanneanton]

What is your favorite guilty pleasure, I shouldn't eat this but I am going to anyway food?  :)

[buko]

Good one, Jodie! Well, I'm in recovery (as they say) for an eating disorder (mostly binge eating, some anorexia/purging).  So I try not to restrict myself much at all, or think of foods as "good" or "bad"-- that just triggers me in the other direction.

That said, I'd say my pregnancy "guilty pleasure" is beer/wine.  Probably the only thing I have that I'm not "supposed" to have "at all."  (Unlike, say, deli meats, which you are "allowed" to have if heated to steaming-- so I do that and heat it to steaming once in a while.)  Like all the scare quotes?  LOL...

It's because I know I would go crazy (see above) if completely restricted from something like that, which I do love.  Pre-pregnancy, I would have a good beer or glass of wine most nights with dinner.  I was afraid if I said absolutely 0 alcohol, that would tempt me to have more than I otherwise would.

I still restrict it quite a bit, but I think it's been a good compromise for me not to completely cut it out.  The latest study out of the UK says up to 5 drinks/week shows no difference for cognitive development, etc.  So I figured, okay, I'm not doing 5 drinks/week, but maybe 5 drinks for the whole pregnancy!  I started after the first trimester and have had a total of 3 drinks so far, by 32.5 weeks.  (I'll have like 1/4-1/2 drink every few weeks, when I am at a really nice restaurant or celebrating NYE or something).  I really feel like that small amount of alcohol, always with food, is extremely unlikely to have much effect, if any at all.  And it's really nice when I get to enjoy it!   

[cocoanib]

Hi Buko!

 I love a good bottle of wine when I'm not preggo and have had a bit here and there this pregnancy as well.

Do you have any favorite wine/beers?

As we get closer to March, are you looking forward to birth?

What are you most excited about?

Any reservations concerning birth?

[chocolatechip]

You very possibly might have said this elsewhere on these forums, but what is your general plan for birth (knowing it's never entirely predictable :))? Hospital, birth center, home? Any particular things you're planning to do as part of it?

If it's not too personal, how did you manage to get into recovery for your eating disorder? I am always so impressed by people who manage to make major turn-arounds in their lives like that.

I had no alcohol at all during the first probably half of my pregnancy, which both my husband and I thought was a good idea, and then one day we were out for dinner, and he had a stout with raspberry lambic in it, and he finally slid it over to me and said, "this is so good you HAVE to try it." :) Since then, I've been a little more relaxed about trying sips of things here and there, or eating food with a little alcohol in it!

[jodieanneanton]

What are you most looking forward to about having a newborn?  Anything you are apprehensive about? :D

[buko]

Originally Posted by cocoanib 

Hi Buko!

 I love a good bottle of wine when I'm not preggo and have had a bit here and there this pregnancy as well.

Do you have any favorite wine/beers?

As we get closer to March, are you looking forward to birth?

What are you most excited about?

Any reservations concerning birth?

As far as wine goes, I am all about the best value for my money, since I can't usually afford to spend more than $20 on a bottle.  I was lucky enough to live near Sam's Wine (a HUGE discount place) in Chicago a few years back and got to try dozens and dozens of fabulous and mostly hard-to-find wines under $15.  Columbia Crest is my favorite of the really inexpensive and really readily available good wines, though.  Their Grand Estates Cab and Chard (almost always under $15) are consistently rated in the high 80s to low 90s by Wine Spectator, and for good reason.  But their Two Vines (regular label, almost always under $9) are also good-- any variety, really.  In general, varietally/regionally speaking, I like Petite Sirah and Malbec quite a bit, partially because I can't generally afford Barolo and the like!  Among whites, Viognier and Sauv Blanc...  A true French Chablis is always nice...  Mmmm...  

I probably drink more beer in the last few years than wine, though-- mostly microbrews (and some Belgian and German and Scottish/British).  Almost anything by Dogfish Head, I love-- and my favorite beer is probably Brooklyn Brewery's Black Chocolate Stout.  They only put it out in fall/winter, but there's likely some still available right now (that's what I had NYE!) if you're east of the Mississippi...  And maybe west, too.

I was a bartender at one point, but honestly never really got into hard liquor!  If I had to choose, I'd be more likely to get brandy/cognac or whiskey (esp bourbon) than clear liquor.

I am actually really looking forward to giving birth!  I am excited to work with DH (and baby) to bring him/her earthside.  We have taken a yoga-for-birth workshop and that gave me a preview of how awesome DH is likely to be during birth (we are also starting BlissBorn soon-- a new hypnosis for birth course).  I'll tell you-- I WILL be making use of his sort of freakish strength and athletic endurance by hanging on to him for 24 hours if I need to, LOL.  And I LOVE water, so I am really looking forward to laboring in the birth pool. 

The thing I am most afraid of is being afraid, if that makes sense.  I know with my anxiety how I can work myself up, even in the absence of any actual threat or issue.  That is, I can be my own worst enemy.  So I am working on that.

[buko]

Originally Posted by chocolatechip 

You very possibly might have said this elsewhere on these forums, but what is your general plan for birth (knowing it's never entirely predictable :))? Hospital, birth center, home? Any particular things you're planning to do as part of it?

If it's not too personal, how did you manage to get into recovery for your eating disorder? I am always so impressed by people who manage to make major turn-arounds in their lives like that.

I had no alcohol at all during the first probably half of my pregnancy, which both my husband and I thought was a good idea, and then one day we were out for dinner, and he had a stout with raspberry lambic in it, and he finally slid it over to me and said, "this is so good you HAVE to try it." :) Since then, I've been a little more relaxed about trying sips of things here and there, or eating food with a little alcohol in it!

We are planning a homebirth, and I looooove my MWs.  I feel very blessed to have a couple of great CNMs who operate mostly like LMs (but have IVs, pit, etc., if needed).  I also live practically behind a hospital with a Level IIIB NICU-- I can see it through the woods now that it's winter.  So that helps reassure those who are nervous about the HB thing (which haven't been many-- or at least I've avoided them).  I am lucky that my MD mom supports the HB thing and should be there during the birth as well-- she will be arriving from a few states away about a day before my due date (we assume I will go past 40 weeks-- who knows?)

As far as my ED, I went to OA (Overeaters Anonymous) for a while and just enlisted DH's help and support after that.  I do not claim to be "fully recovered," but I almost never binge anymore (once a year?), and I obsess much, much less about my weight, calorie counting, etc., which were my issues.  I make it a big point not to weigh myself and to ask any HCPs to weigh me with my back to the scale and not tell me the number, and that helps, as well, since that's one of my triggers.  My MWs were fine with not weighing me at all-- thank goodness!-- and I am so happy to live in ignorant bliss about the number on the scale right now. 

[buko]

Originally Posted by jodieanneanton 

What are you most looking forward to about having a newborn?  Anything you are apprehensive about? :D

That's actually a REALLY good question!  I have never been a "baby" person, and newborns seem pretty boring and/or taxing as a rule.  Like when people post photos of newborns and others chime in with things like, "Oh, my ovaries hurt!  You're giving me baby fever!!!" I'm STILL, even coming up on 8 months pregnant, like...  "Meh.  He's cute, I guess." 

THAT said, I'm pretty sure I'll want to stare at Buko all day, LOL...  I am very curious to see what s/he will look like, though I also feel that newborns really don't look like much for a while.  But I'm sure, too, that I'll be enamored of everything s/he does...  in terms of having a baby (not necessarily just a newborn), I'm probably most excited at the rapid development they go through, all the things they learn-- it's so cool!  

Apprehensive?  That's a lot.  I'm afraid of being overwhelmed, of "not knowing what to do," etc. (especially because I don't have much baby care experience).  Even though I know I have prepared about as well as I can, and have DH around 24/7 (thank G-d!)  As I say all the time, he is more maternal than I am.  I am a bit concerned about PPD, since I have both (diagnosed) depression and anxiety issues.  I will say that I have been extremely blessed during pregnancy-- I was afraid that I would have crazy mood swings, depression, etc., but I have amazingly had a MORE stable mood while pregnant than I had before!  So, fingers are crossed.

[Chapsie]

Ooh, let us know what you think of Blissborn! I am a die-hard fan of hypnobabies and i really interested in blissborn and would love I hear how you liked it! It sounds like a great program.

[buko]

Sure will!  It starts next week for us.

I was thinking Hypnobabies, but wasn't excited about the one instructor who is really available here.  Then found that my yoga instructor teaches BlissBorn, and thought it was worth a shot (same cost, too).  It's hard to find reviews and experiences since it's so new...  The best I've been able to determine is that it's like Hypnobabies, but less birth-/intervention-related info and more the self-hypnosis part.  Which is fine for me, because I've been a huge birth/birth activism nerd for like 7 years, and I am planning a HB (granted, we could transfer, but see the nerd part-- I feel I know at least 90% of what to expect there, too).  Plus, I know I get impatient when being taught things I "already know," LOL-- so it's just as well.

Another difference seems to be that BlissBorn doesn't change the language (says "contractions" for contractions instead of "birthing waves" or "pressure waves" or whatever).  I can see both sides of that argument, and can say that, personally, I could see it going either way for me...  OOH, I like the idea of releasing cultural baggage attached to certain terms, OTOH, I think with my mom a doctor, I have at least a little less fear/etc. around what I consider pretty purely clinical terms. 

The third significant distinction I am aware of is (I think?) BlissBorn instructors are required to be certified hypnotherapists, which is apparently not true for Hypnobabies instructors (though I think it is true for HypnoBirth).  During yoga class, there were a few times I felt my instructor was probably slipping in some BlissBorn/hypnosis for birth stuff during final resting pose/meditation, and it seemed really effective.  I have heard with all forms of hypnosis for birth, that even when it kind of goes out the window (for some women-- obviously others find it super-helpful all the way through labor), they still feel it was worthwhile for things like helping them to get to sleep in pregnancy, and maybe in early labor, to calm them down mentally, etc.  In my case, I feel just that would make it worth the time and money, as I have a tough time getting to sleep at night, even when not pregnant.